Category: Uncategorized

Teaching in 2014

Leave a comment

Today was my last day off before I work non stop until the 27th so I didn’t plan to do a lot. Coming home has made my life even more boring and I’m really aware that I could be boring you all. So thankfully today I got some great news! After waiting and worrying I got the email today to say that I got the job! I’m going to be teaching in a local school in the Summer and earning while getting the experience. 

A lot of people asked me if I want to be a teacher when I told them about applying for this job. The truth is that I don’t know what I want to do when I leave uni, I have no idea. So I might as well give everything a shot in the next 3 years and I might just find out. This is just one of the opportunities I’ve been working on. I’ve applied for internships and I have  my eye on a few more ways to work with the university. It’s true what they say about getting the most out of uni, you can do it. So I’m not going to spend my whole summer in bed, I’m planning on actually getting out there and doing things. 

Here’s hoping 2014 is going to be amazing.

Take the next exit out of my brain

4 Comments

I’ve realised that I need to be honest in my blog, it may not always be interesting but I did say I would be brutally honest about my experience as a fresher. For the first time in my life the university has taken an interest in my mental health and sometimes I think it makes certain people feel better that they are helping someone with a condition. Don’t get me wrong I am really grateful that people are there to help me and support me if I need it but sometimes it just doesn’t work.

The last 4 years of my life have been spent with depression (diagnosed or not) and so now I’m pretty used to it. I’ve gone from the past 4 years of people in education seeing me as a problem and people around me not really knowing how to help. As for the doctors? I can think of a few who should re take whatever classes they had on depression in teenagers. It took six different doctors to get a diagnosis for depression and anxiety because I was a teenager and it all had to do with my moods. Bull shit did it. It took so long because my medical notes were selective.

I don’t know if she’ll ever read it but I’ll say here and now my mother is a saint. It’s because of her and Ali that I didn’t completely lose my head. While my head is clear I can remember the countless times she took me to doctors to explain what the bullying was doing to me physically as well as mentally. It’s because of my mum that I’m not more screwed up, because she knew when I needed time. She knew when going to school wasn’t an option because I couldn’t cope any more. For 19 years my mum has been my own personal soldier and she’s damn good at it. She might have had the schools trying to avoid her but she never gave up on making sure I was ok. She knew which doctors to take me to so they would try and intervene with the school (at one point I had well over a month off because of stress…I now think that was my anxiety.

The reason I write about my mum is because she was one of the very few people who doesn’t ask a million questions that all start with why. I’ve started reading Michael Thomas Ford’s Suicide Notes and it’s a character I can identify with. Not because I’ve ever tried to kill myself, because he hates being questioned. I’ve been given a mental health advisor and a mental health mentor and boy oh boy do they love asking how I feel and why. Sometimes I just want to shout because I do, leave me alone and I might work it out.

I’ve had various mentors, councillors, people who have been assigned to work with me ‘through my problems’ and they all either try and blame my ‘issues’ on my relationship with Ali or they try and ‘fix’ me. Both of these just piss me off on a daily basis/whenever I have to talk to them. I’m quite lucky with my advisor, he doesn’t question me, he knows I just like getting things done and out of the way. My mentor on the other hand wanted to touch on my relationship a few weeks back and that just isn’t happening. It’s not because of her, she’s lovely and very respectful it’s because of my past councillors. They all try and ‘understand’ me and then try blaming my relationship. Why do I share my boyfriends friends?, Why do I spent so much time with him?, Why am I sure we will stay together blah blah blah. In the past they’ve all tried to psychoanalyse me and pin my ‘issues’ on something. Never mind the bullying that lasted more of my teenage life and a fair bit of my childhood, it has to be the boyfriend. One of the idiot ones said we had a ‘parent-child relationship’ when I showed her a picture to make me feel less nervous. Needless to say I never went back.

Whenever people hear who have or have had a mental illness they want to analyse you. Your brain is the great attraction and they’ve all be waiting to have a look around. Here’s the secret, you take a left, then a right and get the fuck out of my brain. I guess if I’m making this post useful I have one thing to say to others who are reading. If you ever find yourself in a session and you don’t want to reply or they’re starting the brain tour then just remember you’re in control. It’s your mind, don’t let anyone put words in your mouth.

Letting my mind run free

Leave a comment

I like to use this blog to write about how I really feel and how I honestly feel about uni. For a flicker of a second today I found myself wondering while I was doing a degree. While I stood and earned money by running around after customers and putting out stock I was enjoying it. I smiled like an idiot through my shift and I forgot about any worries I had. The problem with university is that despite Kingston not putting heaps of pressure on me I still put pressure on myself. I’m on a course I love and a course I hate and I’m stuck in-between.

You see I work hard and I put pressure on myself. When I was a kid I thought I’d be something by now. I thought I would be on a stage acting, or singing, why not both? I used to dream I would be someone by the time I was 20 years old and I am just a normal girl. These feelings of wanting to be someone and wanting to be perfect stand in the way of a lot. My self pressure is most definitely why I keep failing my driving test. Why am I putting it on the internet when it claws at me, because I’m not perfect it’s the only test I’ve ever failed, I’m putting it here because I have to keep telling myself I’m allowed to fail sometimes. It’ll take a while for that to settle in but maybe one day I will believe it. 

You see a great friend of mine told me to just write about not being able to be creative and I suppose it’s working. Yes I know how to write! Yes I get frustrated when I’m constantly told what is and is not a writer and YES I feel like I’ve made a bloody bad decision. I need to break away from Creative Writing and be free. I need to be able to run around in one of my silly moods and feel like a five year old again. In short I need to be fully myself. 

What’s the point of this post you ask? I have absolutely no idea. This post is just me being free and trying to start writing again and expressing myself, I hope you enjoy it. 

Back to work

Leave a comment

Today I went back to real employment after quite a bit break today. To say I was nervous this morning is an understatement. I will be working at Paperchase for the next two weeks, reprising what used to be Ali’s job. Last Christmas Ali got the job and I won’t lie I was jealous, everyone seemed so nice and although it was busy he seemed happy whenever he was there. So when I got offered an interview this year (while Ali stays behind in London for a bit), I jumped at the chance and was offered the job. 

Today was odd, I’d forgotten about inductions and health and safety procedures and all that. So after a lot of paper work and a walk around the shop I got to work. I’m going to be doing stock and customer service stuff but today was getting into things slowly by ticketing. I have another shift tomorrow but I have no idea what I’m doing. 

I can feel my posts getting sorter and I’m not ok with that. I want to give you guys all the info about uni life but not everything is exciting. So in 2014 I’m going to try and do more for you guys, I might even start the vlogs again…maybe. 

Going home

Leave a comment

there-s-no-place-like-home-wizard-of-oz-movie-quote-poster

On my way home nothing else says it really… 

It’s been a long semester to say the least. I know that right most of us are tired, a little bit hungrier than we were and a little bit wiser to the world. Well that last bit might not be true for all of us. Either way as much as I love uni there is nothing like coming home for a few weeks and being able to relax. It’s not just being able to do your washing for free and having someone to cook for you (I’ve had that for the last few days anyway) its just being where you can be yourself. I’m coming home to relax and even though I’ll be working for a fair bit of it I feel better after one day.

I’ve heard that Christmas is a good and bad point for everyone. You can go home and recharge, it’s time to work things out. The bad point is you have to go back eventually and I’m worried that’ll be hard when it comes. I don’t want to start the new year on a low when I’ve been doing so well not to be swallowed up by them. So I’m gonna stay positive and hope that I can recharge my batteries.

Picture from: http://www.youngfabians.org.uk/blog/index.php/2012/12/19/will-i-ever-be-able-to-afford-my-own-house/there-s-no-place-like-home-wizard-of-oz-movie-quote-poster/

Where I really live and making new friends.

Leave a comment

As I’ve been spending less and less time in my flat lately and have taken refuge in Kingston Hill. There is only so much time you can spend on campus without going mad and I’ve began to feel trapped in Seething Wells. There is nothing to do here and I’m isolated and alone a lot. It’s not that I don’t get on with my flat mates we are just six different people with different lives. I fit in at Kingston Hill, I love being near the bar and having a shop 2 minutes away. I love being around fellow musicians and being able to use a beautiful big kitchen.  Tonight we all went to Nando’s for a flat meal. I ended up spending some quality time with a few people even if the night wasn’t what we expected.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t always get put with your new best friends. I have to travel at least 20 minutes by bus and my last bus is at 10.30 it’s not the greatest set up but at least I get to see them. Although I get quite down on my bus back tonight there was a lovely exception, the P5 flat. Instead of going back into my room and watching How I Met Your Mother reruns I bumped into some people from my building and ended up drinking Vodka with them. So now I’m a little bit drunker than I should be and ready to fall asleep. Hopefully I’ll make more friends next semester and explore a little more of P Block!

Girls are weird

Leave a comment

As you all may have noticed this piece has gone into the ‘my big mouth’ section of my blog. This is the part where I air my opinion and expect to get a bollocking from at least one person for it. Well this one should be a good one, that or I’ll be murdered in my sleep by angry women… 

I spend a lot of time with guy friends for example Joe, Ben, Rhys and others. At one point or another they all ask me the same question (not these boys in particular just general boys) ‘Why are girls so weird?’ I wish I knew the real answer to this or I could even explain it but the truth is boys, I agree with you. I think women in general are fucking weird. There are so many things to learn about girls and then there are sub groups, and then there are rules, and then there are the ones who think they are oppressed by EVERYTHING. You can tell by the amount of commas that my brain went into overdrive there. That is what it is like for men all the time. 

Don’t get me wrong I’ve met some lovely girls/women in my life and they can make me feel better than my guy friends occasionally. I’m telling you now though all the normal girls will admit that women have something in them that makes them go crazy. No boys, not their periods. It’s kinda like the whole thing with men and their man caves, that is also a real thing (the man in my life just happens to call it his recording studio…even if he sometimes uses it to watch videos on Reddit). Anyway, back to my point. It’s not always a bad kind of crazy ( but I have definitely experienced that  in the last year) but women are just complicated creatures to be honest.

Ok so lets take the body thing. I really feel for you men because there is NO RIGHT ANSWER stop trying to find it because until you find her you’re not even going to get close. My boyfriend has been with me 5 and a half years and even he can’t figure me out sometimes. Ok so as well as trying to be honest when they are asked how something looks they also have to deal with period drama. No not Downton Abbey but well, there is a lot of drama going down. Anyway, ask any girl and she’ll say that 90% of the time that she doesn’t even know how she feels when it’s her ‘time of the month’ (most irritating phrase ever) so how the bloody hells is a man supposed to know. Oh and then there are the girls who just wont take compliments, not in a low self esteem way, in a I’m looking for attention way. 

And then there is todays problem, the baby example. What is with girls and babies? What is with 16-19 year old girls and babies. I’ll admit I went through the stage where I thought they were the most adorbale thing ever and of course children were the best thing about life blah blah blah. Now they terrify me a little bit. Actually no it’s not babies that terrify me it’s having to grow one and then get it out of your body (niether way is ‘beautiful’ or pleasant, it’s all pretty gross) or in fact when it kicks and looks like it’s going to break out like a scene in alien. I know so many people with babies and I love my cousins and my friends kids, they’re great but the thought of me having one terrfies me. You are responsible for a whole other person! When I decide to have my own kids I’m sure I wont try and stick it in a rucksack or whatever but I really hope I don’t become a zombie ‘yummy mummy’. I want to still be able to see a band once in a while, still go to Nandos and not have to leave because of a screaming toddler. I hope I’ll read this in 10 years time and agree with myself, I might still think women are weird.

Anyway as you can probably tell my lovely readers I struggle with women my own age, not through a lack of trying I may add! I don’t understand make up, I wear whatever I want and I have pretty weird music tastes. For example my favourite Christmas song at the moment, Fairytale of New York by the Pogues, the only person in my Creative Writing class that understood how amazing it was was a guy…the girls wanted to listen to the Michael Buble album (which is pretty nice but you know, Fairytale of New York!).  If however you lovely ladies out there would like to adopt and try to convert me into being a ‘real girl’ you are welcome to give it a shot, I still can’t work it out after 19 years of trying. 

Please only apply if you are ok with the following, male approved,activities. 

– Burping 

– Snorting when  I laugh 

– Eating junk food

– Being honest (not ‘girl politics’) 

– Not being a radical feminist

Girls who definitely currently apply to this i.e  Amy, Sammy, Sonia, Lucy (s), Grace, Erin thank you for being women who give me hope in females (y).

 

No People Club!

Leave a comment

551425_755399734487447_1130351078_n

May I introduce to you all the full line up of No People Club!!!! I haven’t been blogging about the music recently because we haven’t had a final line up but here we all are Ali, Rhys, Me, Dan and Ben! I’m so excited by this and finally feeling ready to come back again. As soon as I heard all four of the boys together I just felt alive again. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a full band and after the heartbreak of this year it’s something I really needed right now. So a new year, a new band and some studio time.  You’ll definately be seeing more of us!!

A little bit more positive

Leave a comment

I have woken up today with a spring in my step and a smile. Now this may be because I finally have internet in the flat after almost 5 days of it being on and off again (hence the lack of blogging, it’s been a bloody nightmare!). Or it might be because I’m finally feeling positive and that I can start getting involved with uni life more. I’ll be honest sometimes a combination of my anxiety, general tiredness and worry have made it really hard for me to join in with things but now I’m feeling ok.

I don’t usually write in the mornings but I’m trying to make use of the internet incase it goes again! Today is going to be a good day I think. Driving, a meeting to finally make sure I can do full field literature next year, a chicken dipper date with the beautiful Amy and hopefully meeting a potential drummer today! Excited is an understatement and hopefully on the bus back tonight I wont feel sad and lonely, I’ll be looking forward to tomorrow which is all I want really! 

This may not be important to a lot of people but when you spend a long time being unhappy as I have in the past, all you want is to be happy and healthy. I don’t know how healthy I really am after my cooking though haha! I think the key thing is to keep positive as much as I can right now. Can 2014 top 2013?, I think so 🙂 

Miss Metzger?

Leave a comment

This evening was very odd. I have just got back from a teaching interview (ok as well as a trip to the bar, there’s still no internet). Now it’s not that I am intending to leave uni and become a teacher but I’d like to give it another try after my last attempt at work experience wasn’t brilliant…I didn’t really do anything. This time I will actually be working with students and being paid for it if I get the job. At first I was really nervous but from what I can tell it looks quite positive and if not I can try again next year.

The job is actually part of a scheme with is in association with Kingston’s Compact scheme. I absolutely love being a part of the compact scheme you get so many opportunities and make a load of new friends (it’s partially how I got to know Joe and a lot of others). You feel like your part of a little family. We got an email a while back asking us to apply and so I did and got chosen to come for an interview. Thankfully some of the compact student I know had also been chosen so I was at ease and went in feeling positive. We had different scenarios that we had to give answers too and from what I could tell I was doing pretty well. I’m hoping I get through, it seems like a great idea and it will break the time I’m not in classes in the summer term. Oh and the pay is pretty good as well, I wont say how much but it will sort me out for the summer if I can’t find a job.

After the interview I went to the bar with Amy and the girls, as usual leaving at 10.30 to get back to damn Seething Wells!! I’m trying to stay positive though so fingers crossed I’ll get that email next week!