I’ve realised that I need to be honest in my blog, it may not always be interesting but I did say I would be brutally honest about my experience as a fresher. For the first time in my life the university has taken an interest in my mental health and sometimes I think it makes certain people feel better that they are helping someone with a condition. Don’t get me wrong I am really grateful that people are there to help me and support me if I need it but sometimes it just doesn’t work.
The last 4 years of my life have been spent with depression (diagnosed or not) and so now I’m pretty used to it. I’ve gone from the past 4 years of people in education seeing me as a problem and people around me not really knowing how to help. As for the doctors? I can think of a few who should re take whatever classes they had on depression in teenagers. It took six different doctors to get a diagnosis for depression and anxiety because I was a teenager and it all had to do with my moods. Bull shit did it. It took so long because my medical notes were selective.
I don’t know if she’ll ever read it but I’ll say here and now my mother is a saint. It’s because of her and Ali that I didn’t completely lose my head. While my head is clear I can remember the countless times she took me to doctors to explain what the bullying was doing to me physically as well as mentally. It’s because of my mum that I’m not more screwed up, because she knew when I needed time. She knew when going to school wasn’t an option because I couldn’t cope any more. For 19 years my mum has been my own personal soldier and she’s damn good at it. She might have had the schools trying to avoid her but she never gave up on making sure I was ok. She knew which doctors to take me to so they would try and intervene with the school (at one point I had well over a month off because of stress…I now think that was my anxiety.
The reason I write about my mum is because she was one of the very few people who doesn’t ask a million questions that all start with why. I’ve started reading Michael Thomas Ford’s Suicide Notes and it’s a character I can identify with. Not because I’ve ever tried to kill myself, because he hates being questioned. I’ve been given a mental health advisor and a mental health mentor and boy oh boy do they love asking how I feel and why. Sometimes I just want to shout because I do, leave me alone and I might work it out.
I’ve had various mentors, councillors, people who have been assigned to work with me ‘through my problems’ and they all either try and blame my ‘issues’ on my relationship with Ali or they try and ‘fix’ me. Both of these just piss me off on a daily basis/whenever I have to talk to them. I’m quite lucky with my advisor, he doesn’t question me, he knows I just like getting things done and out of the way. My mentor on the other hand wanted to touch on my relationship a few weeks back and that just isn’t happening. It’s not because of her, she’s lovely and very respectful it’s because of my past councillors. They all try and ‘understand’ me and then try blaming my relationship. Why do I share my boyfriends friends?, Why do I spent so much time with him?, Why am I sure we will stay together blah blah blah. In the past they’ve all tried to psychoanalyse me and pin my ‘issues’ on something. Never mind the bullying that lasted more of my teenage life and a fair bit of my childhood, it has to be the boyfriend. One of the idiot ones said we had a ‘parent-child relationship’ when I showed her a picture to make me feel less nervous. Needless to say I never went back.
Whenever people hear who have or have had a mental illness they want to analyse you. Your brain is the great attraction and they’ve all be waiting to have a look around. Here’s the secret, you take a left, then a right and get the fuck out of my brain. I guess if I’m making this post useful I have one thing to say to others who are reading. If you ever find yourself in a session and you don’t want to reply or they’re starting the brain tour then just remember you’re in control. It’s your mind, don’t let anyone put words in your mouth.