I Am A Woman – International Women’s Day Poem 2017

I am a Woman,

It’s something I’ve grown into, although I didn’t have a choice.

although I didn’t have a choice.

Sometimes I look at the world, through youthful eyes

and they burn in anger.

I look at my sisters around the world and they suffer,

damn it they suffer, for the simplest things.

And all because they have a vagina.

Yes I said the word! The one that makes some flinch

VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA!

A part of the body that equals discrimination and a lack of equality.

There’s pressure all around,

to look a certain way.

Although that’s not entirely on the men, we have a part to play.

Why waste our time with waistlines and cellulite,

when our sisters can’t even go to school?

But that won’t get printed in a glossy, on reality TV.

Hell, we rarely talk about inequality!

About mother’s rights and the pay gap.

About sexism all around us, violence and threats.

We can’t rely on leaders, have you seen who’s been voted in?

And so we’ll march, for those who can’t, for ourselves.

We’ll be told to ‘calm down’, that we’re winning the game

but while you control our bodies I don’t think that’s the same.

Say what you want, about my voice so loud.

You cannot keep us quiet, lock us all up.

We’ll carry on resisting, just you wait and see.

We don’t want to control you, just equality.

I am a woman, and I will fight.

I am a woman, and I am strong.

I am a woman, hear me and my sisters roar.

Sunday Seven: 22 and a half

This week I hit 22 and a half, I know most adults don’t count their half birthdays, but firstly I don’t see myself as an adult and secondly I like using this as a benchmark to take stock of what I’ve done in half a year. I mentioned way back in January that I don’t like making New Years Resolutions, instead, I like to use my year birthday to birthday to see how things I have been going. So let’s take a look back and see what I’ve learnt in the past 6 months.

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You don’t need loads of friends to be happy 

Now I’m back in Basingstoke we don’t have as many friends around, but that really doesn’t matter. I still talk to Joe all the time, although it sucks I can’t just pop and see him. I also have Abbie and Ben on the other side of town. I have a lot smaller group of people that I’m in contact with but it’s really about the quality rather than the quantity.

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The pain of losing someone you love never goes away, you learn how to deal with it

A few weeks after my birthday I lost one of my hamsters. Although, to me they are my babies. Noodle passed away and it broke my heart, I still miss her each and every day and that never stops.

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I want to write, so I’ll goddam write 

Enough messing around, it was time to get serious, get planning and get on with it. We’ll see what happens…

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Having your own space is key to happiness 

We finally moved home! Having our own space has made it much easier for me to relax and have time to myself and Ali.

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It’s ok not to be ok. 

I have a problem with wanting to be perfect. I always have. In the last few months when things have gotten tricky I’ve had to remind myself that I’m allowed to feel tired or overwhelmed, that I’m human. So, I did what I always do and I wrote about it and it made me feel a lot better.

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Leaving a job that isn’t right for you doesn’t make you a failure

Back in November I left my first full-time job for a variety of reasons. I wasn’t happy there and didn’t feel like it was right. When I left, even though I had another job lined up, I felt like a failure because I hadn’t been there long. That said it lead on to bigger and better things and just because it didn’t work out didn’t mean I was a failure.

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Grades aren’t everything. 

For a good few months, I hid my degree certificate. I didn’t want people to know that I wasn’t perfect and didn’t get the first I’d been dreaming about. I hated mentioning it and whenever I did I’d follow up with ‘but I was only 3% off of a first!’ as if getting a 2:1 in literature was something to be ashamed of. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt but at the same time my life was a mess in third year, to come out at all with a degree is fine with me. It now happily sits on my desk while I write.

Book Review: Great Small Things – Jodi Picoult

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“You say you don’t see colour…but that’s all you see. You’re so hyperaware of it, and of trying to look like you aren’t prejudiced, you can’t even understand that when you say race doesn’t matter all I hear is you dismissing what I’ve felt, what I’ve lived, what it’s like to be put down because of the color of my skin.”

When a newborn baby dies after a routine hospital procedure, there is no doubt about who will be held responsible: the nurse who had been banned from looking after him by his father. What the nurse, her lawyer and the father of the child cannot know is how this death will irrevocably change all of their lives, in ways both expected and not.Small Great Things is about prejudice and power; it is about that which divides and unites us. It is about opening your eyes.

I have to start by saying that I have had the release date of this novel written down since it was known. I’m a HUGE Jodi Picoult fan and have been lucky enough to speak to the lady herself a few years ago when The Storyteller was released. Jodi’s novel is a particularly prominent in light of the violence we have been seeing pouring out of the US against black people, and how quickly things can turn nasty. I requested a copy of this novel from the publishers and was lucky enough to receive it in return for an honest review.

As with all Jodi Picoult novels, the story is seen through the eyes of multiple characters. Ruth is a trusted and hardworking nurse, she is also African American. Turk is a husband, new father and White Supremacist. When baby Davis dies, Turk wants the hospital to pay and to know why the woman he demanded not be near his son was present. Ruth is thrown into a world of accusation and uncertainty, can she finally face the fact that the world might not be as colour blind as she thought? Meanwhile, lawyer Kennedy has her eyes opened to the world in a way that she couldn’t understand.

Once again Picoult has chosen to write about a moral situation that raises a thousand questions. It’s something completely new to me to read from the perspective of a White Supremacist. While there is a fair amount of novels out there from the perspective of a black person facing prejudice, novels that I want to read and to understand. I never would have picked up something from the perspective of a White Supremacist, because I didn’t see the point. Why would I want to read about hatred? However, Picoult manages to show the humanity in everyone. She doesn’t paint Turk and his wife as someone to disregard because of their views, nor does she sugar coat them. I felt angry and uncomfortable reading Turks perspective, but I realised that this was important, because this is what people face. That said, Ruth is not painted as perfect either. While she is a model citizen, the widow of a fallen hero and loving mother, Picoult shows her reactions in a human way. She shows not only what people would expect of the characters, whether that be in a positive or negative way, but also shows them as real people who make judgements, mistakes etc.

That said, Ruth is not painted as perfect either. While she is a model citizen, the widow of a fallen hero and loving mother, Picoult shows her reactions in a human way. She shows not only what people would expect of the characters, whether that be in a positive or negative way, but also shows them as real people who make judgements, mistakes etc. While I understand why Kennedy was included as a point of view, she wasn’t particularly memorable for me. She added a middle ground to the novel but I didn’t feel particularly affected by her until the very end.

This is without a doubt an important modern novel, it’s been compared to To Kill a Mockingbird (one of my favourite novels of all time) and while I understand the comparison, it’s different. To Kill a Mockingbird had a clear right and wrong, you knew who was innocent and who was guilty. While few people would agree with Turk and his beliefs (and I certainly don’t agree with them) the emotions, thoughts and to some extent certain backstories make you unclear about all parties. Picoult has refused to show a clear cut good vs bad situation.

I gave this novel 4 stars. I really enjoyed it and I thought the concept was incredibly unique as well as very well written. That said I had mixed feelings about some parts towards the end of the novel, some I just felt didn’t fit (I wish I could go into more detail than that!), but I think this is down to personal preference rather than a flaw in the writing/plot. Picoult has once again shown that she is not afraid to confront issues that we might not want, or feel too awkward to talk about. She’s cemented her status as one of the most thoughtful and intelligent writers of the 21st century.

Great Small Things is out in the UK on November 22nd!

What I’ve Learnt From My First 3 Months Full Time Work

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As of yesterday I have spent three months in full time employment, dealing with rush hour, meetings, responsibility and more. It’s definitely been a learning curve, there have been laughs, tears (of exhaustion mostly), excitement and stress. I work with a group of amazing people too who have taught me a lot. So, I wanted to share with you what it’s been like going from university student  to full time Marketing Executive.

It’s nothing like univeristy. 

Work and university are completely different. Do I think my degree prepared me for work? No. With university you have so much time to get things done, you’re not in much and mostly you just have to read and make notes when you’re not there. There’s a lot more to do at work and there’s something to do every day. It’s a different kind of pressure when you’re studying.

It’s a lot more tiring than I first thought. 

I drive about 40 minutes to work, work all day and then drive 40 minutes back before doing whatever else I need to do. For the first month I was absolutely exhausted and crying out for sleep, but now I’m getting used to it and getting myself more organised. That said, it never gets easier to get out of bed in the morning.

I’ve had to work through my anxiety, but I’m better for it. 

For the first week I was an anxious mess. I was so nervous about doing a good job, talking to people and hanging out. I haven’t had a choice but to overcome that, I still struggle with my anxiety, but I’ve definitely become more confident in the job.

It’s great having a job you look forward to going into. 

I really enjoy my job and I’m lucky. I actually look forward to going into the office, seeing everyone and just feeling like I’m making a difference to the company.

You never stop learning. 

I’m learning so much constantly and that makes me feel that I made the right decision about not studying a masters.

Don’t be afraid to ask.

I found out quickly that asking questions is crucial, particularly as I went into an industry I didn’t know much about. My colleagues were always happy to answer my questions and it saved time in the long run rather than me going away getting it wrong and having to do something again.

Write things down.

I’m now known around the office for always having my notepad with me, taking notes is never a bad thing.

It’s about constant improvement. 

I have monthly meetings with my manager and these are to talk about how things are going generally, set targets and talk about how I’m going to improve. It gives me focus and something to aim for. Steadily I’m being given more responsibility as I prove that I’m capable of it.

What were/are your experiences of going from uni to work? Any tips and tricks? Leave them in the comments below!

 

 

Where’s The Damn Book?!

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I’ve been wanting to write a book since before I started university. I’ve always written stories and the summer before I moved (3 damn years ago) I was working on my first novel. I was going to uni to do Creative Writing and I was going to be a writer. And then I started the course. I quickly realised I hated the course with a passion and spent a year of my life being told my work wasn’t good enough by older people. It always confused me because people my own age and one or two lecturers really liked it but there were some that were just hell bent on saying I wasn’t good enough. Now I’ve never had the strongest self esteem, I understand creative criticism but when you work so, so hard to get onto a course to be told by someone who has never read a word you’ve written that you’re writing is bad, you kind of take it to heart. Well, at least an 18 year old who’s just moved away from home and who’s walking around in an incredibly anxious state takes it to heart. I feel better now that it was just her opinion and truth be told after I refused to be caught by her after some catastrophic writing she’d put online (claiming that anorexia wasn’t real), I distanced myself from her and felt a little better about my writing. People liked reading what I wrote online, so why wouldn’t someone publish it eventually?

I’ve kept up my blog for almost three years now and had another before that, one of the main things people comment on when they search for me is the quality of my writing. So why isn’t that enough? This time last year I’d just returned from Athens on a week long creative writing course. Everyone was there because they knew to some extent what they wanted to write and I did too, something that my undergrad course lacked. Again I got positivity and some really great feedback but then the inevitable happened and I fell out of love with what I was writing and then I was there with ideas. Great right? I wish. I have all these ideas but self doubt is crippling. I write something, look at it a few hours later and can’t stand it. I get anxious that I’ll make spelling or grammar error and then be seen as an idiot. It’s deep in my heart that I want to be a writer, I want to see my name in a bookshop and see my thoughts on paper.

I know for a fact I can do it and I will, right now though my head feels so muddled and confused. What should I write about? Do I work on the non fiction piece? Do I try again on that old novel idea or start something completely different? Am I writing for Adults or Young Adults. All these thoughts go around and around in my brain and if I try and plan I get even more anxious because WHY IS THERE NO MANUAL THAT TEACHES YOU HOW TO BE AN AUTHOR. Which is silly, there’s no golden rule, not curse to break or magic formulae to make sure people will love what you’ve written. I know all this and yet I still want to delete pages of writing or worry about ever finishing something. I’m hoping these are rational fears.

It may sound like I’m complaining but I’m not, I feel like I have so much to give but it’s almost as if it’s trapped in my head and just won’t negotiate with my hands. I have ideas every night before I go to sleep and think they’re magical I wake up after scribbling them down and wonder how the hell I’m going to make something out of them. I don’t know, I thought I’d have a draft of a novel by now and I know, I know books can take years and years to just draft and then even more to get published. I’m just trying to get out of this rut where I just look at the page in anger because it’s just not doing what I want it to. My biggest critic is now myself, but I think with the voices of others inside, from the past who really shouldn’t be there. So I guess I’m going to have to work on kicking them out and working out what the hell I want to put on to paper, that might be a good idea. Oh and I might find the bloody book in my head stored away somewhere just waiting to come out.

 

Image from Pinterest

The Freedom List!

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I’m so close to getting everything submitted that I can smell the freedom, on Tuesday at 11am it’s all done. I go out for a drive in my car and just take in lungfuls of fresh air, because I know that soon enough I’ll be back in the flat looking at a screen and an essay that bores me almost to tears. Last night I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to try and get down my ‘freedom list’, things that I’m looking forward to doing once I haven’t got any more academic pressure on me. I know I’ll be moving and looking for work but it’s going to be nice to have some spare time again! To be able to pick up a book or go for a walk without feeling guilty for leaving two essays on the table! I’m adding to this list day by day but here it is so far!

  • Finish my Cosplay outfit for MCM in May – I have most of the pieces now I just have to put it all together and get a few accessories
  • Start writing my own book, finally! – I still love writing but it’ll be so nice to just be in charge of what I’m writing, take my time and not have to show it to anyone until I’M ready. I have a few chapter plans and some great ideas, can’t wait to get them on to paper!
  • Read for FUN – Ohh I’m going to shrink my TBR pile!
  • Start my Youtube Channel – Keep your eyes peeled!
  • Go to Richmond Park – this one can wait until we get some sun.
  • Get some good sleep.
  • Buy my Kingston Uni Hoodie!
  • Get my haircut and eyebrows waxed, feel slightly more like a person and less like a werewolf…
  • Go to the V&A
  • Go to Madame Tussauds
  • Play my ukelele more
  • Write whatever I damn want
  • Get back into a gym routine!
  • Go to Durham to visit Ali’s family
  • Find a new car (sorry Harry, I think 20 is the year to retire)

It may looks like a lot but there are no pressure with these, they’re things I can pick up and then change my mind, things I’m in control of. Although job hunting will be happening soon, I’m taking a well deserved few weeks off to recharge and just do what I feel like and recharging my batteries.

As always I love to hear from you, what’s fun on your to-do list? Leave me a comment or a Tweet!

 

 

I found the beautiful image on Pinterest by the way!

One Down, Three to Go.

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Hello, hello, hello!

Sorry for wandering off for a few days, I’ve been up to my ears in assignments as well as acquiring a particularly nasty chest infection too. This week has been big in terms of third year, I had my final lecture on Tuesday, have started packing up the flat as we’ve handed our notice in for July and today I finally submitted one of my longer assignments, my piece on autobiographical poetry. I’ll never be a part of my Writing Women class again!!

I’ve been working on it for a pretty long time and, although I have absolutely no idea as to how it’s going to grade (obviously I’m hoping well) I’ve kind of just decided to live with it. I’ve done what I consider my best with the time and the pressures I’ve had. It’s done, gone and submitted and it actually feels like a quarter of the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Now all I need to do is make sure that my dissertation is ready to be submitted in 10 days and then my other two essays after that. I will say that I think it’s kind of stupid to have all of our essays clumped together. It’s frustrating because we haven’t had the questions for two of them very long and, I suppose I am nervous about writing and finishing them both on time. BUT I am super determined to get it done. I can almost taste the freedom. So close, but so far.

K.J Orr

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Sometimes in my life I get to meet some incredibly talented people. Tonight I got to go to a reading by KJ Orr, someone I am lucky enough to know. Katherine taught me when I was in Athens last year. I really learnt a lot from her and the others in the class and there’s just something about talking to her that makes me want to write. I came home from seeing her and listening to her read from her new book of short stories and just started writing myself.

We were told this book was going to be released last summer and I’ve been excited  to read it ever since, just because her passion for short stories was so evident even though she never showed us her work. I’ve listened to excerpts tonight and her writing is addictive. Of course I’ll be reading it and reviewing on this blog but if you’re looking for a new read you can buy it now, and I would definitely recommend it. Congratulation Katherine!!!

Happy Birthday Sylvia Plath

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If you follow my blog you’ll know that I am completely and utterly in love with Sylvia Plath. I’m writing my dissertation about her and there’s just something about her work that has a deep connection with me. Today would have been Sylvia’s birthday, unfortunately she took her own life at the age of 30 and has gone on to become one of the world’s best known authors. Happy Birthday Sylvia, thank you for such beautiful work.

So much working, reading, thinking, living to do! A lifetime is not long enough.

The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

I will write a book! – Inspiration and confidence boost!

I have spent today getting on and I spent this evening being inspired, so all in all a productive day. I spent a few hours this evening working at our Postgraduate Open Evening and for me it was that bit more exciting as these people may be my classmates next year when I undertake MA.

I’ve always found my lecturers to be very inspirational, I know I sound like a geek but if I’m honest I don’t care. The lecturers are all incredibly smart and brilliant with their specialties. Studying English Lit has just made this passion burst out of me and the only other thing that has ever done that is music (more on that at a later date), I love them both but I know that after this year I’m not ready to stop studying. I feel like there is so much more to do, to read and to explore and tonight talking to lecturers in Literature, Language, Creative Writing and Publishing and there was just a buzz I felt, I know that if I can’t be a musician for a living this was the next best thing.

If all that wasn’t enough to get me hyped up about finally sitting down and getting my book finished then what I came home to was. If you follow my blog you may remember that I met a great friend at YA book club last month, Becky. I came home to the news that she has published her novel on Amazon! I’m so proud and excited for her and if you’d like to take a look and buy her novel (which you definitely should) then you can click here and if you’d like to follow her on Twitter head to @Becky__Willson. Becky may only be 17 but I see big things coming for her and I’m so proud to be able to call her my friend :3.

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The cover for Becky’s novel, isn’t it pretty! 

I’m lucky to have such amazing people around me and I now that a lot of people don’t have that. From now on I’m going to be working on my novel and hopefully one day I’ll be able to release it. I’m currently writing a Young Adult novel about a character called Ava and her complicated family life, friends and general life as a teenager. I know that’s not much to sink your teeth into yet but it will be! I promise! I just don’t want to give anything away yet until I’m sure myself.

Finally I’ve got some confidence back in me, some positivity and some great things planned and I honestly can’t wait!

As always tomorrow will be another book review, 15 Reasons Why by Jay Asher.