Livin' The Vida Lockdown: Day Twenty-Seven - Has Anyone Seen My Brain?

Livin’ The Vida Lockdown: Day Twenty-Seven – Has Anyone Seen My Brain?

I have been playing with what to write for days, literal days. I even started writing a post yesterday only for it to stop flowing through my fingertips. I just couldn’t write. For the past few days, my brain has been as useful as fluff.

On some days, I can get things done but others it just seems like my creativity has just taken a running jump and left me. It’s strange, I don’t know who I am really without being able to write. Normally it’s second nature to me, it’s how I make sense of things.

My guess is that while we’re seeing amazing things coming from creatives there are also times when they struggle – like I am now. I thought I’d write blogs upon blogs, my novel might get a good chunk written – maybe I’d create videos too! While I’ve blogged more than normal, that’s about it.

I know that a big chunk of it is that my mental health has struggled. Anxiety has been buzzing in the background and distracting me so much from my own creativity. It’s different when I’m working, for some reason I can still do that but my own stuff has struggled for a few days. I’m hoping it finds its way back

Is there a point to this post? I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to write something to try and get back into the mojo I haven’t had for a few days. Also, to see if any of you have felt the same.

Anyone else?

Livin' The Vida Lockdown: Day Five - Four Things I Want To Do Daily

Livin’ The Vida Lockdown: Day Five – Four Things I Want To Do Daily

Like many freelancers I’ve seen a drop in work because of what’s going on and while that is absolutely terrifying it also means I have more time and not much I can do.

I’ve seen people say that they’re going to learn a new language, decorate their houses or do something really amazing and creative. I’ll be honest, right now, getting up, dressed and showered is a sign of a good day. That said, I wanted to have little, achievable goals for my days in lockdown.

While these might not be amazing and they might not change or accelerate my life it’s something I can do right now to put a smile on my face.

Start The Day Reading

Today and last Saturday I started the day reading and it was really soothing. It’s no secret that I love books, all I do is read BUT being able to escape into another life or another world is a great form of distraction and counts towards my yearly Goodreads goal. So really it’s a win, win situation.

Write for 20 Minutes

A while ago I saw on Victoria Schwab’s Twitter that she said writing for 20 minutes at a time is how a lot of her books were written. Having dedicated time for writing and in short bursts helped her and I thought I should try that.

I might as well start now and who knows my book might actually get written. A first draft is a good start but if I make it into a daily habit then who knows.

Find A Positive Thing/ Silver Lining

It might feel like the world is on fire and everything is awful BUT there are some little things to be grateful for. I want to try and find something every day to bring a little light or a little hope.

Listen To Music

I’ve found that music is really helping me right now. Back when I was really depressed as a teenager music got me through a lot. I would have my iPod playing through classes where I could get away with it (whether the teachers noticed and didn’t care or just forgot I was there who knows) and at night when my anxiety was bad I would just play music until my brain calmed enough.

So I’ve been alternating between my positivity playlist, Apple Music playlists and albums I like to keep my brain at bay. Seeing as it’s something that is working it makes sense to try and do it every day.

What’s something you want to do every day? I’d love to hear below!

Blogging Struggles

Hellooooooo blogging friends!

Let’s be real here, trying to write a blog regularly can be damn hard work. This isn’t a post to complain with a ‘woe is me’ attitude. But, it is one that’s going to be pretty damn honest.

I’ve honestly felt so unmotivated. While there are pages of ideas for posts I’m kind of deflated. While everyone gets like this and, real talk, it can feel incredibly frustrating to be blogging for years and then see newbie bloggers getting great sponsorships and collabs. There’s no shade in that but it can really make you question yourself and your blog.

So, I thought, why not write a blog about not being able to write a blog. There we go. What an idea! I guess, part of this is me forcing myself to write and publish something no matter how I feel about it and, quite frankly, getting over myself and this writing thing. The only way I’m going to get out of this damned slump is by writing myself out of it.

I’m fully aware this has become a storytime/pep talk for myself/ word vomit situation and you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m okay proving that I’m not a perfect blogger, I’m just doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

I Won’t Be Silent – A Poem

I Wont Be Silent.png

 

For a while there,

I lost my voice.

I let someone else’s laugh muffle by shouts

for rebellion.

 

But I am a woman,

hear me roar.

I’ve got no time for heels,

or a cat call.

 

Because I broke free,

from the good girl mentality

and now, here I stand

Just as good as any man.

 

I won’t be silent.

I won’t be contained.

Because I am a woman.

I don’t need to be saved.

I’m in a Funk

Blerghh. That’s not a normal start to a blog post, is it? Recently I’ve been sitting at my laptop trying to write, well, anything and not being happy with the result. I’ve attempted blog posts, non-fiction book ideas, fictional book ideas and I’ve just felt really ‘meh’ about it. The thing is it doesn’t just cover my writing. In general, I’ve been in an odd fidgety mood where I just can’t seem to feel good about what I’m doing.

I wrote a little while ago about what’s been up with me and got a lovely response from so many people, so thank you. I’ve been trying to get myself out of this mindset and pinpoint if there’s anything in particular, but I’m coming up with nothing. That was until I spoke to a friend of mine and found out she had quite a few of the same feelings.

Now, we’ve been friends since we were 11 years old and we have drastically different lives but we still had these feelings of not quite knowing what we’re doing and feeling like we’re not doing enough or what we should be for our lives. I’m going to throw it out there and say I’m not the only 20 something that feels like that at the moment.

There’s so much uncertainty about everything that even the smallest things can feel like they’re a huge deal. Take blogging for example. Logically I know that if I only post twice a week no one is going to die. It’s not a life or death situation but the thought still fills me with panic. Am I where I should be with my blog? Why am I not getting as many views as XX? Am I doing enough on my own social media? The list goes on.

We all know we’re not supposed to compare ourselves but, let’s be honest, we all do. My friend has two kids under 10 and worries about career stuff. I have started in my career and worry about having a family in the future. I guess it doesn’t matter where you are, you’re still going to worry about something and feel that you’re not doing it right.

Have any of my fellow bloggers been stuck in this funk before? What did you do to get out of it? Let me know in the comments below!

What Do You Do For Fun? 23 and ‘Boring’

I was recently asked what I do for fun, what my hobbies are. I replied as I always do I blog, I read a lot and I write. People don’t really believe me when I say that’s what I do for fun. Don’t you go out? Don’t you drink etc, etc. That’s usually how it goes. So sometimes I think about it, am I boring for my age?

I’ve never been one for regularly going out to clubs and partying. When I was a teenager I went to house parties, hosted by my boyfriend. When I was in college I didn’t go out drinking still, only to a few house parties. In my first six months at university, I went out to a club grand total of two times the first I was on the night bus crying by midnight because I had an anxiety attack. The second time I came home early. In Second year I’d get drunk so I wasn’t anxious and go out with friends. In Third year I didn’t go out at all. Then I graduated and became even more comfortable with my own life.

staying-in-20-something

You might follow me on Instagram and think, hang on I’ve seen pictures of you out with friends. I do go, occasionally. Once a month my friends and I try and go out for drinks or I might go to see or do something. For a long time, I got hung up on the fact I didn’t feel ‘normal’, I felt ‘boring’. I had this idea in my head of what I was meant to be doing.

There is a pressure I think. Travel the world, but save money. Go out and party, but spend all your time networking and building a career. Have fun, but think seriously about your future, you only get one chance. All of these things going through your mind.

The thing is, I like staying at home and reading books or writing. Blogging makes me happy. Spending time on my craft, reading a really good book, having lie-ins or just chatting with my boyfriend is a good weekend. I like going out and seeing and doing too but I don’t feel like I’m missing out by not going out every weekend.

I thought, for a long time, the worst someone could call me was boring. I was fun right?  I was entertaining? People would want to hang out with me? I tormented myself worrying about this shit. Slowly, I’m working towards not caring about that stuff, about doing my own thing and what makes me happy. And, for me, that’s what’s important doing things I love to do rather than what everyone else is doing.

I want to hear from my lovely readers! Do you ever feel like you’re not doing ‘what you should’ or a bit boring? Do you ever feel under pressure to be or act a certain way because of your age? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

writer-writing-published-poetry

Life Update: I’m Being Published!

I have some super exciting news! I’m going to be published! Yes, a piece of my work is going to be published in an actual physical book! The plan for tonight was to do my normal Thursday book review, but then I got an email. So, how did this come about?

I was lucky enough back in 2015 to be offered the chance to go to Athens as part of Kingston Writing School and I got to learn from the wonderful K.J. Orr about writing as well as being with other writers. I loved the course, I’d happily go back again to learn. This summer that will have been 3 years ago. Each year writers of the Summer School get the opportunity to submit pieces for an anthology.

I submitted last year and, unfortunately, didn’t get chosen which is fine because I don’t think it was my best work. This year, however, I wrote two poems, worked on them and submitted them in the new year. I wish I could say forgot about them but I didn’t I checked my email every day and…it worked.

I got the confirmation email today and I’m so, so excited. I love to write, I’ve always loved to write as soon as I learnt how to. Knowing that my name, my piece is going to be in a book is incredible. I also pretty sure that it’s only the start. I want and am working on writing my first novel in a series.

I’m so excited and I couldn’t wait to share this with you because honestly, I feel like writing my blog for the past few years has made me a better writer. I think about my content, the language and what you guys want to read alongside my own ideas. So a big thank you to everyone who reads my blog!

I’ll keep you all updated!

 

Writers Block

There are times when I cannot write,

from my brain to my fingertips

it just doesn’t come out right.

 

When my head is too sleepy

or my heart is too full

or I’m just not feeling writing glee

 

Does that rhyme not show

that today is indeed one of those

Yes, I’ve sunk to that low

 

 

You see I want to write,

each and every day

So this internal battle I’ll still fight

 

I’ll drag those words from every corner of my brain

Get out here you guys, I need you

God, writers block is a pain.

 

 

Self Doubt and Creativity

I love Sylvia Plath, back when I was at university, not knowing who I was or what I was doing (although that’s still ongoing). There is something about Plath that spoke to me in so many different ways, but there is something she knew well. The fight between self-doubt and creativity.

I’ve always found myself to be a creative person, writing stories and poems since I was small, singing, acting, dancing. When you’re young, for many there is no such thing as self-doubt, you dream and you do, that’s it. It’s only as you get older that a voice pipes up in your mind, not of hope, but of doubt.

For the past few years, I’ve had my heart set on writing a book, my laptop currently full of ideas and different starts. I have poems and song scrawled in notebooks at mine and my parents. I can’t help but have these ideas come into my head and keep going. That said, they remain unfinished and I know why. That little monster of self-doubt creeps in eventually and makes me want to get rid of it all!

With all this in mind, I want to get rid of my fear. I want to break free of my self-doubt and internal criticism. So, I’ve started just writing and not reading over it as soon as I finish. I’ve also been listening occasionally to the audiobook of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.

How do you help yourself when it comes to self-doubt and creative fear? Let me know in the comments below.

I Am A Woman – International Women’s Day Poem 2017

I am a Woman,

It’s something I’ve grown into, although I didn’t have a choice.

although I didn’t have a choice.

Sometimes I look at the world, through youthful eyes

and they burn in anger.

I look at my sisters around the world and they suffer,

damn it they suffer, for the simplest things.

And all because they have a vagina.

Yes I said the word! The one that makes some flinch

VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA!

A part of the body that equals discrimination and a lack of equality.

There’s pressure all around,

to look a certain way.

Although that’s not entirely on the men, we have a part to play.

Why waste our time with waistlines and cellulite,

when our sisters can’t even go to school?

But that won’t get printed in a glossy, on reality TV.

Hell, we rarely talk about inequality!

About mother’s rights and the pay gap.

About sexism all around us, violence and threats.

We can’t rely on leaders, have you seen who’s been voted in?

And so we’ll march, for those who can’t, for ourselves.

We’ll be told to ‘calm down’, that we’re winning the game

but while you control our bodies I don’t think that’s the same.

Say what you want, about my voice so loud.

You cannot keep us quiet, lock us all up.

We’ll carry on resisting, just you wait and see.

We don’t want to control you, just equality.

I am a woman, and I will fight.

I am a woman, and I am strong.

I am a woman, hear me and my sisters roar.