A year ago I truly believed that I would be preparing for Fresher’s week again, with a stack of new stationary and pre prepared novels read. Instead I am sitting back in Basingstoke, curled up on the sofa, fairly relaxed with a to do list for work tomorrow. I’ve spent the summer earning money and reading whatever I like. I never thought I’d be so happy to be working, but I’m finally finding a rhythm for myself. That said, many people wouldn’t believe me when I said I was happy, because all I spoke about, wrote about, breathed about was becoming an Academic, so what changed?
Third year made me realise that I needed a break. I worked myself half to insanity, I was in hospital because I was so stressed and probably spent more time in tears than I did happy in my third year. I’m not saying all third years will fare this way but dealing with the recovery of my spine, depression and other personal issues on top of the pressure I put on myself to get a first made me very ill. On top of that, I realised that part of my decision to continue study was through fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing who I was outside of education. I’d always been the smart girl, I had always been the hard worker and over achiever, hence why my mental health struggled when my grades didn’t come back as constant firsts, as they had before. I saw myself in Plath, when she wrote of her struggles with what she should do, should she chase education, something she knew she could do?
In short, I didn’t carry on studying because I need a break. I realised that most of my ambitions were based on a false security. Education was safe for me, something I could do. I could work hard and be good. I’d stay in the library late, I’d keep winning prizes and scholarships and then I’d be an academic. I was scared to step out of that box I’d been in since I was 4 years old. And now, after speaking to countless other new graduates, I see that I wasn’t the only one and so many have gone into masters programmes after saying they don’t know what else to do.
This doesn’t mean I won’t go back and study later on. I still have a passion for literature, I’m still interested in looking at Gender, Sexuality, about the impact of literature on young people’s lives, about Mental Health in post WW1 literature. I still have a passion for it and I still read things about these issues. BUT! Now I have another passion, something I love and want to get into. I love my job and the more I get into it, the more I feel like a masters isn’t something I need, it’s something I might do at some point. I’ve moved on though, I no longer feel trapped by being the ‘smart girl’. I have people around me in a job that value my opinions without me having to be the ‘know it all’, because I’m not stupid I know that there were occasions people spoke to me because they thought I had the answers. I finally feel that my self worth is tied to more than grades.
Of course this is all personal, this is all how I feel right now. In a year it might change, I might save and go back part time but it’s good for me to get away from feeling like a number and someone’s opinion defines me. I’m not doing a masters because I needed a break, I needed to grow on my own and I’m enjoying it.
3 thoughts on “Why I’m Not Studying a Postgrad Degree”
You have managed to sum up exactly my feelings.
Like you, I’ve always been the clever one of the group, and I’ve always been the clever child; I was the first to do A Levels, the first to go to uni, the first to live abroad. But something I learnt whilst on my Year Abroad was that I needed a break. I’d chosen to study at university, and even though I knew nothing I did counted, I worked myself into a hole trying to keep up with the work and improve my German at the same time. I’d thought that going to university abroad would help me be social and I’d be able to make friends quickly but exactly the opposite happened.
Around Christmas, I was so stressed and seriously considered dropping out of the Year Abroad and consequently changing my degree programme. Luckily, the semester break was coming up and on it I just decided to do nothing except from attend classes (not do the work for them) and read. I set up my blog which became something I could really fling myself into and I started enjoying myself again. I have to go back to my UK uni to finish of my bachelor’s degree, but I am one of few who is so ready to be done with uni and start a career, a new life. I am ready for grades to not be the be all and end all.
I hope you continue to enjoy yourself, thank you for writing this post because I now feel less alone 🙂
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I felt the same and was the first too. My family didn’t put pressure on me but I wanted to be the best at everything! Thank you so much for reading and I’m glad you feel less alone! If you ever need to talk during the year DM me on Twitter or email me, happy to talk 🙂