Tag: depression

Finally: Getting back to myself

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After a long few weeks of feeling, low, helpless and not myself I can say that I’m finally pulling through again! It’s been 5 days of solid steadiness and I couldn’t be more pleased, just in time for Christmas! My first realisation, Friday morning, as I was driving back to the flat I’d been awake for an hour where I had just gotten up, dressed and headed out, no anxious thoughts or dread I just, well functioned normally. While Saturday I was slightly off (from a lack of going outside waiting for damn parcels), I carried on and was ok and got on Sunday as well. The last two days I’ve been smiling to myself and humming christmas song and I’m so pleased I could dance around.

I’m not in the mind that I’m completely better, I’m still seeing doctors and mentors more regularly and I’ll carry on without complaining and not rush because when you go through a bad low, like I have been for the past 4/5 weeks it does scare you. I was terrified I’d never get back to this point where I could feel in control and I’d be stuck in sadness for ever, it’s horrible but once you’re starting to get better and have even a little bit of confidence you’re keen to make sure you don’t slip again. It’s a part of my life and I know I will probably slip again but I know I have great people supporting me.

I wanted to write to you all with this sense of amazement and happiness because I want to detail what’s real to live with mental health problems. For me these little victories mean the world, like no anxiety attacks. I’m back to chatting with people at horse riding, texting and seeing my amazing friends (who have also been angels) and being just easier to live with (although I say now I couldn’t have gotten through these last few weeks without Ali) and to top it all off I had band practice today! I just feel so much better after a good ride this morning (on a very tall horse) where I could feel myself becoming a better rider, then a long walk down Kingston Hill which I never done before but just made me feel refreshed.

If any of you are stressed or having a rough time at the moment, just take every day at a time and baby steps when you can. Lows totally suck, but they will go eventually with the right help.

How to explain ‘Head Sick’ – Mental Health

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Me age 16 trying to be ‘normal’ and ‘fun’ on a bad low

Calling in sick to work is not a great experience for anyone, especially when it’s for something mental health related, because it relies on people having knowledge as well as people not judging you. You can’t phone your boss and say ‘I feel really sad, I can’t come into work’. A lot of people think that bad depression means you just lie in bed all day and that’s that. For most of us, that isn’t true because we can’t let it, we have bills to pay and things to do and even if you don’t care about those things you go on in cycles but don’t feel anything towards what you’re doing and then the says you do have off/ evening when you can crawling into bed and staying there becomes all you want to do…sometimes.

I’ve been mentally ill for about 5 years now and the picture above is me at one of my worst points. Being 16 was a terrifying year and there is so much I just don’t remember, my mind just goes blank. The picture above was be trying to be happy, fun and normal. I hadnt been diagnosed and every just said it was my hormones but I felt crazy, when I did manage to go into school I’d normally leave early or just sit in my lessons and slowly going numb, not taking anything in. It was torture.

In a way it’s good that I can’t do that anymore, I need to work to have money, I need to go in to get my degree which I care a great deal about and differing from first year I live with someone who knows when I’m unwell and helps me any way he can. Days when I am low and not functioning are what I call ‘Head Sick Days’ and I’m thankful that my tutors and my friends know when I really need some time as well as encouraging me. I hope though, one day, that everyone can have this kind of understanding and help that they really deserve because depression, anxiety, bipolar etc are all illnesses and we need to support those who need it.

I’ve been pretty rocky for the past month, a lot of lows and needing a bit more support than normal from those around me, but I don’t feel hopeless. 2015 is looking to be fun and busy, especially for the band and my work. So right now my posts might not be exciting but I’m taking it day by day a step at a time, with ‘Head Sick’ time included.

Being honest

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I always want to be honest with you all about how I am. This blog isn’t just about university but also about mental health. At the moment the pressure is building from assignments, readings and getting half way through second year already. It’s not that things are going badly, not at all but I just haven’t been feeling like myself. Lows can last anything from a few hours to a few weeks and the past week hasn’t been my best, it’s been tough and a lot of things have suffered because of it but I’m going to be ok. I have great people around me and I can get back on track once this is over and done with. I have been hurt recently, I’ve doubted myself and the people around me but hey, it’s great song writing material haha.

If I want to do anything I want to make this blog honest. Today is where things have picked up a little talking to friends and feeling a little more in control, as well as knowing I’m not the only one who’s stressed out right now. We’ll get through this, together. I also got to laugh today, a lot and have another gig to look forward to. I’m trying to take this one little step at a time.

Oh and my interview with The Guardian made it in too, check the link here 

Argh!

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I’m sure the feeling of wanting to hide away and tell everyone to piss off is not lost on you guys. Everyone has those days, or in my case evenings when your tired, irritated and just want some space, some room to breathe from everyone. Sometimes mine goes a little deeper than that.

Next week is reading week, that’s right I’m six weeks in to my course and I’m definitely feeling it, although not necessarily from just studying. Societies, friendships, band stuff, working, volunteering for things, basically right now I’m exhausted. I’m ready for reading week and although I’m working half of it, the other half I want to just chill out, relax and not think about too much. I know I’m doing well, but sometimes when I’m doing well I burn out, get tired and then quickly start to get very unhappy.

The past few days have been a little bit like that, I know things are going well and then I don’t want to stop. Sometimes I just kind of forget my illness and try and get everything done because I’m excited and happy, I forget that as a part of this I need to rest too. It sounds silly but  rest is HUGE part of recovering from depression because it is exhausting. Low days make me so tired, I get pulled down and I just can’t do anything because it’s like a weight on me that I’m struggling to lift, sometimes for days.

If I’m honest I’m not at my strongest right now because I need a rest BUT I have found that when I go horse riding I feel a lot better, I get on the horse and that is all I focus on, no phone, no internet, no thoughts, just me and the horse. Today I rode Princess, a lovely older horse. I picked it up quite quickly and had a good ride and good feedback, I could feel my muscles getting stronger and actually my self worth. I’d never done this before and now I could do it and I loved it.

So when I go from feeling that good to just feeling generally useless I get frustrated and angry, sometimes to the point where I want to lash out at my illness because it’s just not where I want to be. I want to be happy and stay on one level but sometimes I just can’t.

I have a stack of blogs to upload for you all and I’ll get on that as soon as I can.

Sorry guys, it’s really just one of those nights apparently.

Alone time

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Last year I spent so much time alone. In halls I could go three days sometimes without seeing anyone, not even my flat mates, I’d cocoon in my room and sleep, study and watch TV and if I felt like eating (which when I felt like this wasn’t often) I’d eat at strange times sometimes cooking late at night because my sleeping pattern was all kinds of messed up. I didn’t like it, I felt miserable, alone and would often just sleep for something to do.

It was a surprise to me this year that I am so busy that I hardly have time to be alone. I live with Ali now and we share a room and even when I’m having an off day he manages to persuade me to go outside, be around people. It’s one of the many things I talk to my mentor about, she says that she always tries to get people with depression to go outside and be around people, one of the worst things for depression is being isolated. I didn’t realise until the other day that last year I worried my Mum, she knew I wasn’t doing as well as I said I was and apparently got quite worried that the only times I was going out of my room was to see Ali or the boys. I didn’t feel that it was a problem then but now I can see that I wasn’t very well last year.

And so today came, after pretty much seeing people every day for about 3 weeks straight I felt a bit overwhelmed, I needed a breather. Tuesday’s are one of my days off uni and so I used today as my ‘recovery’ day as my mentor and I call them. I thought that to get over this I need to keep going, going,going but actually I need rest too. Some things that are easy for people without a mental health condition, like having a group of close girl friends, takes a lot of energy for me, I’ve been out of the loop of those kinds of friendships since I was about 14/15 and being ‘a girl’ worries me sometimes. The girls are incredible about it though, which helps,

So I spent today on my own and it was actually kind of nice, I got stuff done, cleaned and put music on when it all got a little bit too quiet. Many people won’t understand this, hey it’s just being alone! This is all a part of me getting better though and learning new things.

Right now I kind of like the peace and quiet of being alone.

On the inside

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It’s been a while since I’ve written about mental health, one of the many reasons I started this blog. I haven’t really had much to complain about lately, a job I love, a course I love, friends, my boyfriend and everything else I’ve been writing to you all about. Sometimes you can get swept up in all the good things and get a little over confident, something I’ve dealt with a few times in my life.

I spoke to a friend tonight who thankfully understands this, she’s one of the nicest people I know and also deals with mental health on a daily basis. It was a relief to talk to someone who understands. So much is going right in my life that people don’t understand that the depression doesn’t just go away, if only it was that easy. I’m dealing with a lot of new things and although everything is great sometimes I’m still sad. There are times where it’s for no reason what so ever I get ill, I’m angry ,irritable and teary. I got overwhelmed at a work training session today, it was lovely to see everyone but it just felt too much.

Sometimes I get angry with myself over this, especially when it influences other people, Ali in particular. It isn’t his fault I’ve had a long day and I’m tired and irritable but I unleash this monster, stomp around and I’m not very pleasant to be around. It takes a special kind of person to willingly live with a person with a mental health problem especially when things can change so rapidly.

I’m ok I can promise that but sometimes no matter how well everything is going I have dips, it’s only natural.

One step at a time

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Phil, Ben, Alyssa and Laura 

I’m back! After a few days of quiet and thinking I took to getting out there again. Thursday’s post Outside meant opening up about something I hadn’t been comfortable with. It has been an up and down weekend which has been really frustrating. I want to be out, be happy and not have to think of worry but that’s not always the way this works. 

I met up with my mentor and talked through things that I needed to and started trying to put together a plan with the idea of taking everything one step at a time. This month has been hectic and has had so many changes it’s not surprising I’ve been feeling up and down. Now I’m focused on getting through it all with the support of my friends, family and of course Ali. 

Tonight I was a little worried about going to the pub it went from just being me, Ali and Ben to a whole big group of people. I felt a little anxious, would I be ok? Would the pub be ok? I went and had an absolute blast! I knew the others from Kingston Hill and got to know some of the people on Ali’s course better. They’re really great people and we had so much fun! I can see a lot of nights out in the future with Dan and Rhys’ housemates and a lot of visits too! 

I’m proving to myself that just one step at a time, taking it day by day I can get better, I will get better. I’m feeling hopeful.

When I write

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Sometimes when I don’t know what else to do, I write. The last few weeks have been incredibly up and down and today things just kind of came to a jolt. I didn’t really want to get up, I didn’t feel like going anywhere or doing anything and everything was just so overwhelming. I get angry about it, I feel sad about it and it usually ends in me feeling like I don’t like myself that much. So tonight I wrote a song and released everything. I don’t feel much like writing right now, so hopefully I’ll speak to you all soon. 

Negativity is exhausting

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After being happy for a long time, being either on a high or just steady for a really long time, you realise that being negative or being low is exhausted. I used to hate people who told me to ‘just cheer up’ but now I understand why they said that, it wasn’t their fault that they didn’t know I was depressed. Now I’ve experienced being on a high for so many days then hitting a low and I’m exhausted and drained. It’s just about getting through this day by day. I know this won’t go away any time soon, maybe ever but I’m getting there one day at a time. 

Picking myself up

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Making myself get out of the flat despite feeling rough 

When I woke up this morning I knew leaving the flat wasn’t going to be easy, I managed to get up later than I though but I get felt deflated, miserable. When I feel like this I know it’s normal for me to stay in the flat, hide from people and that makes my mood worse. I made the conscious decision to throw on some clothes and go pick up some breakfast in an attempt to try and bring myself up a little before my driving lesson this afternoon.

I felt awful, paranoid and generally gross. While other girls were walking around in glamorous maxis and flipflops I was in my usual jeans and converses. I started to use the techniques that I had learnt with my mentor and started questioning why I was anxious, why I was nervous and a strange thing happened…they started to work. It’s a real turning point for me. I don’t know if this will stay but I hope it does.