Finally: Getting back to myself

After a long few weeks of feeling, low, helpless and not myself I can say that I’m finally pulling through again! It’s been 5 days of solid steadiness and I couldn’t be more pleased, just in time for Christmas! My first realisation, Friday morning, as I was driving back to the flat I’d been awake for an hour where I had just gotten up, dressed and headed out, no anxious thoughts or dread I just, well functioned normally. While Saturday I was slightly off (from a lack of going outside waiting for damn parcels), I carried on and was ok and got on Sunday as well. The last two days I’ve been smiling to myself and humming christmas song and I’m so pleased I could dance around.

I’m not in the mind that I’m completely better, I’m still seeing doctors and mentors more regularly and I’ll carry on without complaining and not rush because when you go through a bad low, like I have been for the past 4/5 weeks it does scare you. I was terrified I’d never get back to this point where I could feel in control and I’d be stuck in sadness for ever, it’s horrible but once you’re starting to get better and have even a little bit of confidence you’re keen to make sure you don’t slip again. It’s a part of my life and I know I will probably slip again but I know I have great people supporting me.

I wanted to write to you all with this sense of amazement and happiness because I want to detail what’s real to live with mental health problems. For me these little victories mean the world, like no anxiety attacks. I’m back to chatting with people at horse riding, texting and seeing my amazing friends (who have also been angels) and being just easier to live with (although I say now I couldn’t have gotten through these last few weeks without Ali) and to top it all off I had band practice today! I just feel so much better after a good ride this morning (on a very tall horse) where I could feel myself becoming a better rider, then a long walk down Kingston Hill which I never done before but just made me feel refreshed.

If any of you are stressed or having a rough time at the moment, just take every day at a time and baby steps when you can. Lows totally suck, but they will go eventually with the right help.

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