Tag: boyfriend

I survived second year! – 10 best bits

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I did it! I’ve reached the end of the second year of my blog and second year of university. As of tomorrow it will be September again and I’ll be heading back to uni at the end of the month to take on my third year!

This year has been pretty special I’ve learnt a lot and changed a lot. I’ve lived with Ali for over a year now, I was finally allowed to join full field English Literature, made more friends than I thought I possibly would, made a good dent in my mental health recovery, been generally happier, played a load of shows with the boys, took up a sport for the first time since I was 9, won a KU Talent Award, got another job that I love, travelled for uni and broken a part of my back. If that isn’t a crazy year I don’t know what is. I’ve absolutely loved second year. I’m not going to say there weren’t point when I really struggled, because I did but the difference is that I had more people to support me through this year than I have in a long time.

I could write so much about every aspect of second year because it’s been one of the greatest, no matter how it ended. I’ve made new friends and stayed in touch with some others and the thought that I’m going into my last year of undergrad is scary! So for you all tonight I’ve put 10 of my best bits of second year and I’ll remember it with warm memories for the rest of my life.

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  1. I finally got my two little adorables this year, Noodle and Hamski. Even if they have had to be separated now I’m so in love with both of them ❤

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2. No People Club played a lot this year. We spent a lot of our weekends loading up my little car and driving to shows in London, Kingston, Basingstoke and Portsmouth. I’m gutted we had to take a break while my spine healed but we’ve got more stuff planned for the next year and it’s going to be awesome. We also have our awesome fan and sticker guy, one of my best friends Joe, who’s stuck around too.

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3. My second tattoo finally happened! When I found out I wouldn’t be going to Foo Fighters because they’d sold out of disabled tickets I was heartbroken so I got this tattoo instead. I’ve been very up and down this year and not as stable as I’d like but I’m assured that most people would have lows after a big break and spinal brace let alone someone with depression.

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4. I got to go to Athens. I was so, so thankful to be given the opportunity to go to Athens and not have to pay the Creative Writing course fee. Although I was supposed to be going on my own initially, Ali got to come with me because I was still using my wheelchair and not able to move as much. A fab first holiday and it got my creative brain going!

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5. I got my KU Talent award for Overcoming Adversity to Achieve, awarded to be by Sir Trevor McDonald who I actually had a great conversation with while we were sitting at the same table. I’m still gobsmacked I won as there were so many amazing people. I’m so proud that I now work for KU Talent and will get to attend this years awards too!

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6. I started Horse Riding! In October I had my first ride and I was hooked. I had a great 6 months before my fall, including meeting this cutie who really stole my heart. Even though I still have a long way to go in terms of recovery and I don’t know if I’ll go back to riding, but I’ve been voted to run the society this year so I’ll be around the horses anyway. I also made an amazing friend in Laura, who’s been with me every step of the way.

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7. I gave a speech about living with mental health for the university’s diversity conference. It was a great way to connect with people and share my experience and if you want to watch you can click here to watch.

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8. I finished second year with a 66% average, a 2:1. I’m slightly bummed out that I dropped a few percent from last year but I surprised myself with some assignments. It’s made me even more determined to get what I need to get a first this year.

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9. I had some absolutely amazing friends by my side through everything. Here’s a picture of me and the girls as Alissa’s birthday meal, my first outing in my wheelchair which they managed to make fun!

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10. I got to live with a boy, and I still kind of like him.

Oh and a sneaky 11, I’m still working and awesome job and I’ve got another one, always fun!

Why I’m going to Athens

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In less than 12 hours I will be on my plane heading to Greece, eek! This week I will be visiting the beautiful city of Athens for the first time and I’m stupidly excited. I wrote a little while ago about being accepted on a course that was thankfully being paid for by the university as a part of my work with the Kingston Writing School. While I wish I was going to simply lay around and enjoy the sights of Athens, instead I will be working on my creative writing skills!

Every evening I have a few hours of class with two other students, working on each others pieces and getting feedback on our own. It’s an international writing school, so it’s a great opportunity to network with people from all over the world as well. I really have to thank David Rodgers for the opportunity!

So tonight my family are driving me to meet Ali at the airport. Initially I was going on my own as this crazy, fun and scary adventure travelling on my own, then of course the accident happened and Ali’s Mum stepped in so that he could afford to come too! Now I’ve just there are about 4 shops open before security at 2am, so there’s going to be a lot of Cafe Nero before we can get our big Spoons breakfast. I’m a little nervous because I will be of course wearing my back brace and in my wheelchair through the airport, something I’ve never done before.

That said, it’s such an incredible thing for me to travel to another country for something academic and be honored with an invite to it. I’m planning to make the most of my writing time, as well as seeing the beauty of Athens and spending some much needed relaxation time with Ali. So off I go and I’ll catch you all in Greece!

Northern Adventures & Shopping

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I’ve been let loose in the North for a few days now after travelling up on Saturday but today was the first day we really got out of the house and did some exploring. Ali’s Dad drove us around today to see some of the sights of County Durham and Newcastle. It was my first time  in Newcastle, so I was pretty excited as some of my Dad’s side of the family came from up here. IMG_2337

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First stop The Angel of the North. I’d seen the angel from a distance the last time I came up to Durham about 4/5 years ago, but we never actually went up to see it. So Philip (Ali’s Dad) took us up and it was incredible. I’ve always thought the angel was slightly creepy but the way it’s been built is amazing. Reading the signs around it’s also a great way to remember how strong the North once was, how the country would not have been the same without the work done here. It is also in memory of the miners that worked below years ago, there are flowers laid to remember them. The views were also stunning and made a great place for a family picture (above) of Ali, his sister Claire and their Dad, Philip.

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Newcastle center 

It was a little brighter than yesterday but still damn cold, what can I say I’m a southern girl! We took a drive into Newcastle which is where mainly I went shopping! This is my haul for today.

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Positive Vibes Only T-Shirt Tee and Cake @ Topshop 

£20, but they do Student discount 🙂 

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OPI ‘ I think in Pink’ nail varnish £11.95 John Lewis

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My Heart and Other Black Holes , Jasmine Warga – £6.99

How I live now, Meg Rosoff – £7.99 

Playlist for the Dead, Michelle Falkoff – £7.99

All available from Waterstones YA section, also bought with a Waterstones Student Card  

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Bras, between £9 – 24 (I think) Ann Summers, also with Student Discount 

Finally: Getting back to myself

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After a long few weeks of feeling, low, helpless and not myself I can say that I’m finally pulling through again! It’s been 5 days of solid steadiness and I couldn’t be more pleased, just in time for Christmas! My first realisation, Friday morning, as I was driving back to the flat I’d been awake for an hour where I had just gotten up, dressed and headed out, no anxious thoughts or dread I just, well functioned normally. While Saturday I was slightly off (from a lack of going outside waiting for damn parcels), I carried on and was ok and got on Sunday as well. The last two days I’ve been smiling to myself and humming christmas song and I’m so pleased I could dance around.

I’m not in the mind that I’m completely better, I’m still seeing doctors and mentors more regularly and I’ll carry on without complaining and not rush because when you go through a bad low, like I have been for the past 4/5 weeks it does scare you. I was terrified I’d never get back to this point where I could feel in control and I’d be stuck in sadness for ever, it’s horrible but once you’re starting to get better and have even a little bit of confidence you’re keen to make sure you don’t slip again. It’s a part of my life and I know I will probably slip again but I know I have great people supporting me.

I wanted to write to you all with this sense of amazement and happiness because I want to detail what’s real to live with mental health problems. For me these little victories mean the world, like no anxiety attacks. I’m back to chatting with people at horse riding, texting and seeing my amazing friends (who have also been angels) and being just easier to live with (although I say now I couldn’t have gotten through these last few weeks without Ali) and to top it all off I had band practice today! I just feel so much better after a good ride this morning (on a very tall horse) where I could feel myself becoming a better rider, then a long walk down Kingston Hill which I never done before but just made me feel refreshed.

If any of you are stressed or having a rough time at the moment, just take every day at a time and baby steps when you can. Lows totally suck, but they will go eventually with the right help.

I snore.

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I woke up this morning after a pretty good sleep, I crashed out as soon as we got home from the gig last night and as far as I was concerned all was well. That was the theory any way until I reached over to get my phone and noticed Ali was already awake…weird in itself. I was then informed that I had spent the whole night snoring again, now for a long time I’ve dismissed it thinking it must have been a little light snoring and Ali was just being a pain. That was until he recorded my snoring last week…I thought my Dad was bad, I’m almost as loud! My poor boyfriend has had to deal with my terrible snoring for the past few weeks because of my damn sinuses, I’m a nightmare.

This just adds to the whole Chloe is not ladylike in the slightest thing. I can be if I try, I can do the whole dresses, skirts and all that stuff but it takes a lot of effort. I have no idea if it will happen again tonight or if Ali is on the brink of murdering me over it…I know I would be!

The uni couples

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In my first year of uni I saw a lot of love and not just the kind that only happens in a one night stand. Of course those happen, it wouldn’t be uni without the various hook ups when people roll out of Pryzm or at 2am. I want to use this post to just show people how diverse uni is when it comes to love. 

 

The Fresher’s hook up 

I’ve seen this one so many times! People go a bit crazy during freshers, get a bit flirty and anything from a kiss to well… So they hook up and then awkwardly avoid each other for the rest of the year praying they won’t have to start a conversation. 

The Flat Mate Romance

This one explains itself. Sounds like a bad idea. Probably is a bad idea. Wanna go for it? I’d leave it until the last month if I were you just so you have an escape route should you need one!

The Long Distance Couple 

I love these couples! I have a lot of friends in LD relationships. Don’t get me wrong it’s a hard time to deal with a LD relationship we’re all young, new people, new places etc but you CAN get through it, so many people do. Sometimes you sacrifice a night out or two to see them but it’s all worth it if you really love them. 

Coming out 

So many people come out at uni. Like I said you find out who you are, what you like and can really be whoever you want to be. Uni also has societies for LGBT people making it easier to have someone to talk to. 

The casual hook up (that lasts a year)

The are they? aren’t they? sort of couple. They’ll never admit how much they like each other but they’ve been having casual hooks ups all year and don’t seem to go for anyone else…

The couple that came to uni together 

This is me! My boyfriend and I decided when applying to go to uni’s close to each other or the same. Kingston was perfect because we had our own space, made our own friends and now we’re moving in together 😀 A lot of couples do this, maybe not at the same uni but in the same area.

The mistake…

Most people will have a relationship that was a mistake for so many reasons! It’s normal and human! Don’t beat yourself up when he/she doesn’t turn out to be ‘the one’ as much as they are the one you want to hit with a bus. 

Looking for love 

A lot of people come to uni looking for love…keep going there will be someone! 

The LOUD ones 

You know what I mean. They *cough* like they’ll die tomorrow and make sure everyone knows…

The ones who find their soul mate

Something like 25% of people find the person they go on to marry at uni, that could be you! 

 

 

We have a flat!!

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I’m pleased to let you all know we finally have a flat for second year! A deposit has been put down and Ali and I will move in in July at some point. I’ve just called him and said ‘hi roomie’, the thought of moving in with him is so exciting, so nervewracking, so everything. It’s been a really stressful time, trying to get everything done and make the right decisions and I wont lie to you it’s really taken a toll on me mentally. As silly as it seems, something like this alongside my deadlines makes me really stressed, stress makes me anxious and being anxious makes me low. I want to do a top tips blog at some point for things like housing but I’ve been feeling really poorly the last few days and I finally got to sleep at 5 this morning, so I’m writing this only half awake.

 

Here’s to the future.  

6 years and new steps

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Dinner and cocktails! 

I’m allowed to get a little sentimental today, well I think so. 6 years ago today I first fell for Ali we were both so young and got together for the first time after I told him ‘well I’ll love you anyway’ he blushed and ran away. The shy boy with the guitar now means more to me than life itself. Mushy stuff aside today was another step together which is more nervous and terrifying than the times that I’ve said I’ll go out with him (twice if you want to know) we went to a flat viewing and actually liked it.

Now as with all flat viewings I’ve been to lately I panicked and cried after, it feels like so much pressure to decide all this and sometimes it just gets too much. Luckily we have a weekend to think it over and talk about things. I’ve come back tonight and made a list of pros and cons and hopefully by Monday we will have made a decision and could have found our first home together! How weird is that!

By the grand scheme of things we’re taking our time, but that’s really the only option you have when you met someone at 13 and decide to go to uni. After dinner with Ali’s mum and her boyfriend we managed a quick cuddle before I had to go back again. Although we’ll really celebrate in August I can’t wait for the next 6 years or even the next 60 if we’re lucky enough.

I didn’t pass, but that’s ok!

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I’ve been keeping something back from you all, something that has had me going up and down more times than a yoyo. I had my driving test today, I’ve been hinting at it on the blog for a few weeks but luckily none of you noticed. Before I start this blog I have to thank my best friend Jen, Ali, my parents and my sister. They’ve had to keep me calm for the past few weeks and it hasn’t been easy, there have been a lot of tears. 

Jens been at my flat for 8am for the last 2 days running to keep me calm and just talk me through things, my driving instructor has dealt with various panic attacks and tears for the past week. As I said before driving tests wind me up to no end but something amazing happened. After warming up before and constantly stalling, panicking and being sick I started talking to myself. Sounds crazy, right? I’m pleased to say despite not passing I’m very proud of myself. I got in the car and had one panic moment where I started losing control but other than that I talked myself through, I encouraged myself like I was talking to someone else. I thought I failed before I actually did but I got through and it didn’t matter. I even said to the examiner ‘before you tell me can I just say for me getting through that was enough, I’m happy’ which is a huge achievement for me. I’m terrified of failing, I don’t handle it well in the slightest but today it didn’t matter. 

What did I fail on you may ask? I didn’t overtake a cyclist and therefore held up traffic for a few minutes. That’s all. So my actual driving? Well enough to pass that damn test! That’s what I’m thinking now, I finally feel safe enough to go out alone in my car, obviously wont but I know I can now once I get that certificate in my hand. Also it passed so quickly and I got my manoeuvre near on perfect even though I had to do it backwards and up a hill. 

I would have loved to have passed today, for a moment I thought I had. In a way though failing on something so silly made me more confident. It means I’m a good driver, I am a safe driver. So I got out of the car smiling ran into the flat and gave my instructor the money to book my test again for after the Easter break. I know I can do this now and it took me 4 times of failing to realise that I can do this! I hope it will be next time, I really want to finally have the weight off my shoulders. If it isn’t I’m pretty certain that I will pass before my birthday when my theory certificate runs out. 

Either way today meant a lot for me and I’ve been happy ever since, I never thought failing would make me feel so good! So here’s to next time!! Oh and here’s to kicking Depression and Anxiety’s butt! 

Sunshine can’t solve everything

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I’ve written in posts before about the power of sunshine and nature when it come to my depression and anxiety. Lately I’m starting to work out what can calm me moving on from having to sleep or jump in the shower every time. Today has been beautifully sunny but not my my head. It might as well have been rain and thunder. To me this just reminds me of the ups and downs and what things can trigger one of my low days. As I’m writing this, however, I am pleased to tell you the low lifted a few hours ago. 

Despite the sun, having breakfast and generally doing all things I should have today I still had a near on hysteric phone call with my Mum and started my driving lesson in tears. As you all know driving is the one thing that really, really gets me down. I’ve tried and failed 3 times and the thought of taking another test makes me feel very sick. That said I need to take it, I have until September to pass before I have to take my theory test again and that’s something I want to avoid at all costs. So I drove and luckily I have a good instructor who says I can drive but my panic moments are where I start to fall apart. There are so many things to remember for the test that you stop doing once you actually pass that it makes my brain hurt. On top of that Kingston and the surrounding areas are HARD to drive in. 

I left the car feeling ok but in minutes I was in a state again. Crying and lashing out, I’m not always the easiest person when I’m on a low. With Mum and Ali on the phone as well as my little sister and Jen at the flat I eventually calmed out enough to go wait for a bus. I didn’t observe as much as I normally do, I didn’t smile at people I just wanted to concentrate on getting to Ali’s and just let things go. The bus journey actually helped, I listen to my music, cleared my head and managed to have calmed down a lot once I got to the flat.

Ali managed to do what he does best. I had some quiet time and then we talked things through and cuddled and it was nice to have some time just to ourselves to talk and laugh and he cheered me up. After making sure I was few and watered I came back happier and calmer and had some time with Jen. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better although I know it’s when the pressure really kicks in with everything going on at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me!