Sunshine can’t solve everything

I’ve written in posts before about the power of sunshine and nature when it come to my depression and anxiety. Lately I’m starting to work out what can calm me moving on from having to sleep or jump in the shower every time. Today has been beautifully sunny but not my my head. It might as well have been rain and thunder. To me this just reminds me of the ups and downs and what things can trigger one of my low days. As I’m writing this, however, I am pleased to tell you the low lifted a few hours ago. 

Despite the sun, having breakfast and generally doing all things I should have today I still had a near on hysteric phone call with my Mum and started my driving lesson in tears. As you all know driving is the one thing that really, really gets me down. I’ve tried and failed 3 times and the thought of taking another test makes me feel very sick. That said I need to take it, I have until September to pass before I have to take my theory test again and that’s something I want to avoid at all costs. So I drove and luckily I have a good instructor who says I can drive but my panic moments are where I start to fall apart. There are so many things to remember for the test that you stop doing once you actually pass that it makes my brain hurt. On top of that Kingston and the surrounding areas are HARD to drive in. 

I left the car feeling ok but in minutes I was in a state again. Crying and lashing out, I’m not always the easiest person when I’m on a low. With Mum and Ali on the phone as well as my little sister and Jen at the flat I eventually calmed out enough to go wait for a bus. I didn’t observe as much as I normally do, I didn’t smile at people I just wanted to concentrate on getting to Ali’s and just let things go. The bus journey actually helped, I listen to my music, cleared my head and managed to have calmed down a lot once I got to the flat.

Ali managed to do what he does best. I had some quiet time and then we talked things through and cuddled and it was nice to have some time just to ourselves to talk and laugh and he cheered me up. After making sure I was few and watered I came back happier and calmer and had some time with Jen. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better although I know it’s when the pressure really kicks in with everything going on at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me! 

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