Crack – a poem

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Sometimes I write poetry, this image really made me think about the past year and where I’m at now. I started writing this after a really tough gym session,where I just felt my body let me down. Anyway, this is one of my few poems, enjoy.

One second was all it took,

Flying then falling

My lungs gasping for air

You cracked and you crumbled,

making me not as high.

Once I’d dreamed of growing taller, now I’d take it with no complaints.

You made my legs useless,

my summer a sleepy haze.

A city that should have been my playground,

turned into white walls and levels of pain.

Even now as I start to reclaim,

some of those things you took.

You can still floor me with a no notice

reaching out for boxes, the only hope I have of taking away my pain.

No doubt you’ve changed my life,

for the good as well as the bad.

In ways I couldn’t have dreamt of,

before their letter came.

I don’t want to fight against you,

spend my days angry and depressed.

But some days I can’t forgive a body that fights against me.

When I’m trying every day.

But I suppose time will tell,

and all I can do is carry on.

Slowly and pick myself up from the fall.

Book Review: This Book is Gay – James (now Juno) Dawson

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‘This is a manual for everyone – no matter your gender or sexaul preference’

When I saw this book at a YA lit fair I was intrigued. The bright and beautiful cover attracted me and then I read the cover. I thought this would be a novel about someone who is gay but this is something much better. I would even go as far to say this is one of the best books of a generation. This Book is Gay is a book which covers a lot of ground that the author thought was missing after teaching PSHE (health class for my American readers) but not just from one opinion, there are stories from so many different people all with different experiences.

When this was published, James Dawson was a gay man, in the time since James has announced that his real self is Juno, a transgender woman and I celebrated along with the rest of twitter. None of that matters because the writing is funny, interesting and highly educational btu in a way you feel like you’re chatting to a friend. I only mention this incase people are confused when trying to find ‘James’ on Twitter later.

I don’t believe in someone being 100% gay or 100% straight. It seems to me, even more so after reading this, that there are so many different parts of the spectrum that slapping an either/or label on everyone is just stupid. I’ve never had a girlfriend but I feel that I’m the person who falls in love with someone because of who they are, not because of what’s in their pants. I fell in love with a male, I’m going to marry him at some point but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good looking female. If people want to label me after that, then so be it.

The book has both serious and funny chapters throughout as well as some brilliant illustrations. Some of the chapters include; Stereotypes are poo, Where to meet people like you, Nesting, Hats, The ins and outs of gay sex and Welcome to the members club. There is even a bit for parents and carers, lists of charities and organisations and notable gay and LGBTQ celebs and allies (named: A guide to recognising your gay saints). There is so much in here and I learnt so much I will just shout my love for it from the rooftops!

I 100% feel that this book should be given out at all schools as an important tool for learning and accepting LGBTQ youth. Dawson is right, there isn’t enough sex education for young  LGBTQ people. I thought long and hard after reading and we didn’t cover safe sex for anyone who wasn’t straight which, frankly, is just ridiculous. How can you just ignore the needs of people just because they’re not ‘the norm?’, they can still get STI’s like anyone else? They still have questions and worries like anyone else. If I was in charge of a school I’d make sure everyone was given a copy and there were copies in the library too. This is superbly written and has a lot of great info from a variety of people, not just Juno herself.

There have been arguments that there isn’t as much information for the Lesbian community. I can see the points people have made but I do feel there is a good amount of content in here, after all there are only so many pages here. The part about lesbian sex is a little thin, and maybe that’s what people are upset about and I can understand that. Other than that though, I feel like this is a good and inclusive guide.

Of course I’m going to give this book 5 stars *****. I was truly inspired by Dawson, her writing, her style and the way that the book itself was put together. I think everyone should read this, because everyone will learn something from it. A truly phonomenal book, not one to be missed.

End of the week

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I don’t think I’m get going to get used to being finished with my week one Wednesday. Don’t get me wrong, I like being able to work from home and be on my own schedule for the other 4 days of the week, it just feels strange to me that at 11am on a Wednesday I’m done for the week. It’s also made me want to work for myself in some way. I’d love to have a creative job or start my own business as a social media advisor. Well that or being a musician or a writer. I have a lot of ideas and dreams, I’m going to make sure at least one of them happens!

While I’ve finished uni for the week and if I wanted I could easily spend the next 4 days in my PJs, staying up until 2am reading every night and sleeping all day I’m not that kind of student. I love a lie in as much as anyone else but I also need to get stuff done. I usually write a to do list for each day, as well as general one for the week. Even for the rest of this week I have two meetings tomorrow, possibly a band practice, then I’m out with friends, my Mum’s coming up on Friday and I have assignments and uni reading  to do over the weekend. There’s no rest for the wicked!

I say all this but I much prefer being busy because although I get exhausted, it makes things easier for me mentally. When I have a balance of being busy but not pushing my spine too hard it distracts me from other things that are going on in my head. Things I’m anxious about or things that are bothering me, for a long time now I’ve felt really relaxed when I do uni stuff. There’s an order to it, there’s things I know I have to get done and I can focus. I needed to make sure I didn’t have 4 and a half days of doing nothing a week because I know that if I just sat around and thought for all that time I could get very sick very quickly.

It’s strange because in 7 weeks time I’ll only have 4 hours of uni a week, in 11 I’ll have no scheduled classes at all. I’ll admit I’m a littler nervous about that, but hopefully I’ll make myself busy after final submission again. That or I’ll spend as much time in the gym as my spine can take and spend the other half of the time reading!

End of the official working week already, student life, huh!

Getting serious – Hitting the Gym 2016.

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Yes I did it, I used a quote from Pinterest, in my defence I love quotes like this and will only post or pin them if I believe in them. Today was my first gym session of 2016, I went past yesterday and had a little inside groan. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to work out, it was because I was nervous about going alone. When I was in the hospital gym I at least had the trainers that I knew and then I got to know some of the other patients and then I went to the gym at home with my Gramps. I’ve never been to a gym alone. Still I paid the £5 for the day pass so that would make me go.

As soon as I had my gym clothes on I was back in the mind set and apart from a few little things (thinking I’d locked all my stuff away and couldn’t get back in, not having any change, generally looking totally new and lost) I was determined. Luckily I spotted someone with a Kingston Uni hoodie and nervously started talking, she’s called Alice and from that point we worked out together and chatted the whole time. Apart from being at the same uni we have a lot in common and I felt so relieved, although possibly I talked too much because you know it’s me.

I left with a pizza date, a new friend and an incredible sense of accomplishment. Honestly through talking and laughing I didn’t even notice that an hour have gone by and I needed to go home and shower before uni. Now, I am aching and pretty tired now but I’d happily go back tomorrow if my spine could handle it. Who know’s maybe one day my spine will be able to handle a lot more exercise, that’s the hope anyway. It’s honestly become a healthy addiction for me, I love it so much.

As for 2016, I’ve now paid for a membership and it looks like I have a gym buddy. I’m really determined to try and be fit and healthy this year. I know there will be times where my body lets me down and I will get frustrated but I’m going to keep going and hopefully I’ll be in a lot better shape this time next year. Plus, like the poster says I’m going to be going to bed tonight with satisfaction :).

The Danish Girl

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I’ve been eagerly anticipating the release of The Danish Girl for a while now. Not only was it an incredible story with my favourite actor in, it also had a beautiful trailer. The film itself didn’t disappoint, I absolutely fell in love with it and despite all the criticism Eddie Redmayne was phonomenal. I cried three times while watching, it’s just so beautifully done.

I can understand that some people feel upset that  a cis actor was chosen but I don’t think this is because the director and casting director was an awful person. I honestly think that this is to educate people. Take an actor they absolutely adore, a good one, and they will be more accepting, it will ease people into it. Redmayne is a relatable person and by extension, hopefully, more people will engage with the story and with the Trans community. I honestly don’t think any of this was done with malice or hurt. If they were so anti-trans then why would they create the film?

It’s honestly so beautiful and the two leads worked together so well to tell a story that I am glad has has been told. Lily was an incredible person with a story that needed to be told and I can’t wait to read her own words (which you actually can!).

It’s definitely a must watch and if it wins no awards this season then we need to look at who’s judging.

I can’t sleep…

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When I can’t sleep I think a lot and just generally reflect on my life in general. It’s not always a good thing, sometimes I just seem to torture myself and feel awful because I’m tired but tonight I’m wide awake and feeling grateful. There are going to be a lot of changes this year and I am scared about them and not knowing what the future holds. I am really lucky as well though because I’ve got someone truly amazing by my side whatever happens.

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Ali and I in Athens last summer when he had to escort me after breaking my spine. 

Ali and I met when we were at school. He was a stick thin and quite shy 14 year old and I was a quite loud 13 year old. We were friends for a while and then got together, then weren’t together and then got together again and it’s stayed that way ever since. A lot of people don’t understand how we’ve managed nearly 8 years together but we’ve just become a stronger couple. We try new things to make sure we have things in common even as we grow, currently geeking out about our cosplay for the summer. Hint: Star Wars.

Anyway, I laid tonight trying to fall asleep and I thought about a lot of stuff and just felt overwhelmingly grateful that this wonderful human chooses to be in my life. Even when I’m moody, irrational and a pain in the ass he still sticks around. He half carried me around for 6 months when I couldn’t walk and had to do almost everything for me. I don’t know, maybe I’m soppy but I’ve been full of self doubt and anxiety lately and he’s just made me feel better.

Of course we both have our own lives, friends and interests too. That’s kind of what makes things as good as they are but it’s even better when we introduce each other to new things. When we’re in our little home and let ourselves be 100% ourselves with no judgement. Of course we argue, we’re both stubborn and have strong opinions but I LOVE our debates when we can’t sleep. When we talk complete and utter rubbish for hours just because.

I don’t want to seem like I have the perfect life or the perfect relationship, we have our flaws. The thing is though I’ve never felt like I’ve missed out, we’re young but experiencing life together. I don’t know about him, but I get happy or excited about silly little things just because we get to do them together and I never have to be anything but myself with him.

Anyway that’s just my nightly ramblings while I can’t sleep. In all honest, I wouldn’t change any of this for the world, cause I’ve got a pretty cool guy who can make me smile no matter what 🙂

So far, so good

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I’ve mentioned before that I wasn’t too keen on 2016. Now I know that the clock wasn’t going to strike 12 and my life was going to change but I was wary about it. That said we’re a week into 2016 and so far, so good. I can’t say that I’ve done anything spectacular and I haven’t had a lot of sleep but that’s ok. I’ve spent the beginning of this year how I mean to go on, looking after myself. My only regret so far is that I haven’t been able to go to the gym yet because I had my implant put in Tuesday and it’s still sore, but hopefully I’ll go next Tuesday morning and start my routine again.

I have had a first good week though

  • I’ve got stuff done that I needed to get on with.
  • I’ve lost a stone so far and I’m closer to my goal weight for my height
  • I’ve had a lot of good ideas for creative stuff, I mean they usually come to me at 1am but ideas are ideas.
  • I got my implant redone on my own (braveness points up)
  • I’ve become obsessed with to do lists – not even sorry
  • I went on my first double date! Ali and I went to a local Italian restaurant with Ben and Abbie before chilling with drinks at home
  • I got a first on my Creative Project! I was absolutely dreading getting the mark for this back after having to completely rewrite my piece of creative writing it in a week but I did it and managed a first, a great confidence boost.

All in all 2016 is doing well so far and I’m hoping that it gets even better. I really want to work with my mentor how how I’m going to handle all the changes too and feel a little bit more in control and not let my anxiety and depression take over.

 

Book Review: Not That Kind of Girl – Lena Dunham

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“I would be a horrible girlfriend at this point in my life, because I’m both needy and unavailable.”

Lena Dunham has become a phenomenon, as a successful young woman who has created a hit show whilst also starring in it. I didn’t really know of her before reading but I had heard good things about the book and decided to pick it up while it was on offer. I’m all for giving something a go.

Not That Kind of Girl promises to tell you what a young girl has “learned”, but I really didn’t get that. I’ve watched Lena in interviews and she seems funny and sweet but it just doesn’t come across in her book. If anything, when reading, I just felt like it was a load of first world problems. I was told it would be a great feminist book and I’d feel as empowered as I did when I read Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman. 

That said, it wasn’t all bad. There were some parts of the book that were really funny, especially when she’s talking about sex and her college years. The chapter titled Girls and Jerks was quite funny because Dunham injects humor into situations where most of us would facepalm.

Dunham is only eight years older than me but I just felt that I couldn’t connect with her. I couldn’t see myself in her situations, her New York life and just generally her life experience. It’s not that I think she’s spoilt but there are a lot of tedious and self absorbed passages that I just didn’t find interesting.

I wish that I had fallen in love with this book, but unfortunately it wasn’t for me. I ended up giving this only 2 stars **, it’s clear that Lena has a writing talent  (her show is huge after all) but as a person she didn’t come across well through the book. If you are a fan of Girls then this might be the for you but I think I’ll just stick to watching her interviews.

No babies please! – My Implant!

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Do my biceps look big in this? 

Like many other 20 somethings I decided that right now wasn’t the best time for me to have a sprog. Not only am I still living on Student Loan I also feel that my hamsters are more than enough for me and I’m always exhausted after looking after my goddaughter. So today I was booked in to have another contraceptive implant put in my arm and the other one removed. Of course I thought I’d take you guys along for the ride because getting this was really important to me.

I’m aware that some of you might not have heard about them before or know what they do/ how they do it, so here’s some info from the NHS website:

The contraceptive implant is a small flexible tube about 40mm long that’s inserted under the skin of your upper arm. It’s inserted by a trained professional, such as a doctor, and lasts for three years.

The implant stops the release of an egg from the ovary by slowly releasing progestogen into your body. Progestogen also thickens the cervical mucus and thins the womb lining. This makes it harder for sperm to move through your cervix, and less likely for your womb to accept a fertilised egg.

Yep, that’s all the boring and gross stuff. Basically if you know you don’t want kids for at least 3 years it’s a great way to not get pregnant. As you will have been told at school there are lots of ways to be protected so why use the implant? For me it’s because I only have to remember to get it changed every 3 years and I’m too scatty for the pill. It’s also because last time I had it, it made my periods lighter and less painful (if that’s not a win I don’t know what is).

I will admit I had some reservations though, the problem with getting an implant is that it needs to be inserted. You get local anesthetic to numb the spot and then it’s put in with what Ali describes as a box cutter. I think the anesthetic needle is the worst part because that’s the only part you feel when you first have an implant inserted. You do feel it inside your arm a little but that’s more weird than anything.

I asked on Twitter and Facebook what people wanted to know about having one removed and another reinserted and what came up most was pain and how that compares to the first time. For me getting it taken out was not the problem. My body is weird with local anesthetic though and let me stress I’m the ONLY person I know this has happened to, I could feel a little during the incision but only for a minute. My doctor offered to stop but I decided to carry on because it was stinging more than anything. So the old implant is pulled out (sometimes it takes a little longer if it’s hard to find or won’t come out as easily, in the worst case they’ll scan your arm to find it first) and that’s all fine and dandy. I then had a little more local anesthetic added to my arm (probably because I had some feeling before, although not enough for it to hurt) which was annoying because that bit hurts. Then the new one was put in, I felt that a little (similarly to the first time) and it was done. I was wiped up and with my lovely super pale skin I started to bruise straight away but it was done.

All in all it took less than 5 minutes and I was talking to my doctor the whole time. It’s really worth it and I don’t think it was more painful than the first time. Honestly the only thing a normal person needs to worry about feeling pain is the anesthetic needle and that’s over pretty quickly. I’d definitely recommend it for someone young like me who wants to make sure they’re covered.

Obviously I’m not a doctor and there’s a load of other stuff that I’m not well versed in about potential side effects, who can’t have it and all that stuff. If you’re interested definitely talk it over with your doctor and don’t read horror stories online some people love to scare others. Even though I’m sitting here in a bandage and I’m starting to feel sore I don’t regret it and I have peace of mind now for another 3 years.

1 down, 1 to go – Fitness and Weight Loss!

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I’ve been really honest about how my injury has impacted my life in loads of different ways. I’ve really been trying to work on building up everything in the gym and not overdoing it. That said I was a little worried over christmas because there’s so much food and everyone is offering you ‘just one more’. I both did and didn’t want to see how my progress was going and I was pleasantly surprised.

On the right is before and the left is now, 1 stone lighter! I’m very strict with myself about checking my weight I mentioned it before  that I wanted to be careful and that I didn’t want to get obsessive and controlling again, like I was in my teens.

I’m really proud of what I’ve been able to achieve here and it’s all been in a healthy way. There have been no crash diets, no cutting out food groups, unhealthy amounts of exercise or not eating. Everything you see has 100% come from portion control, healthier eating and 1 hour a week exercise (the only exercise I can do at the moment).

I wanted to share this with you all because before I didn’t believe in this. I thought I was stuck the way I was and the whole exercise and  small portions wasn’t something I could do but I did and I actually really enjoy the gym. Thank you for all the support I’ve received on my blog, Twitter,  Facebook and Instagram. I can’t wait to carry on my fitness and share it with you!