I couldn’t ask for better followers

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I decided that despite attending my Student Ambassador interview today I wanted to write a blog about the people who come back week after week and read my thoughts and feelings. After yesterdays blog post I was overwhelmed by the positive responses from so many people both my WordPress and Twitter exploded with comments, likes and retweets and it really made me get my confidence back. I’ve had people I go to uni with come up and talk to me about the blog, about mental illness which is more than I ever thought I could do. 

I’m not writing this because I think I’m famous but I did want to let you all know I appreciate every comment, like or follow. It helps me along the way more than people realise and I hope that I can keep writing this blog during my time and uni and beyond. This illness isn’t a curse, it can be a pain in the arse but the little conversations I have with people knowing that I have, in some ways, helped them? That’s something incredible in itself. 

I also wanted to let you all know that aside from writing I’m working really hard with my band No People Club and today something odd happened. I was in a bit of an anxious state, I usually flinch away from the mic but given time I picked it up and I just sang an idea I really wasn’t sure of. Sounds simple, right? For me it’s difficult when my heart and soul goes into my lyrics and if they’re not perfect I hate to show them. Somethng happened tonight where I jsut thought, the boys won’t care if I hit a bum note or don’t have this worked out yet and you know what? They didn’t at all. 

It really is the little things like that that make such a difference to me, little things I’ve struggled with that I can finally do. It might not be simple, it could come back tomorrow, next week or next year and I hate that, but for now I did it. Next up, get assignments done, pass my driving test and actually believe in myself in order to do that and just appreciate the friends I have. 

Dark clouds on a sunny day

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It needs to rain for the flowers to grow, everyone knows that. The quote may seem silly or ,shock horror, cliché but in situations like today it’s true. Despite the amazing news about being shortlisted for the ‘Rising Star’ award today was not a great day. I’m still struggling with my anxiety and have been feeling pretty low for a few days now, but because it’s me it’s very up and down. I don’t want people to worry about me because of this dip, it’s actually made me realise I’m doing the right things to help myself. If I feel down and I don’t have the time I’ll walk to uni and eat something small. I usually make myself busy so I’m not alone in the flat whihc can be very isolating.

Today was one of those days where I just couldn’t make myself happy, it was raining again and I was running late, a morning walk was out of the question. I was still tired and nervous about things coming up. Did I want to see anyone? Did I hell. I don’t have much to talk about because nothing really happened, I didn’t feel overly unhappy but I just felt ‘meh’ if anyone understands what I mean by that. It times like these where I know that I have a great support network around me, Ali, my family, staff at uni and some close friends who understand when I just need to be quiet and think about things.

I’ll mention Ali more than anyone else on this blog because he deals with every side of me and sometimes it’s hard on him as well as me. He knows I’m trying and usually he knows what to say. He knows when I need a hug or a nap, he knows when I need to be told to get up, give it another go and carry on. This has been the case with my driving lessons lately, the closer I get to taking a test the more I freak out, hence the anxiety attack at 8am on Monday morning while I was on the phone to my Mum. He knows how much I hate this. 

A lot of people as if I would get rid of the illness if I could. Of course I would, anyone would. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling miserable for no reason, especially when there are so many good things going on around me at the moment. It’s a pretty shitty feeling. That said I have learnt a lot about it, I’ve learnt a lot about myself and the world I live in. I think in some ways it has made me a better person. The thing is with uni is for the first time I can express how I feel, I can tell someone I’m feeling really stressed and anxious at the moment, I need some time. Or I can say I’m having a low day, I need to go home and relax for a bit or the opposite of calling someone and saying I need people around, can I see you? There are some silver linings to this, although I grant you I wouldn’t say there are many. I’m hoping that by writing this it means I’m finally coming out of the past few days, I know I’ll be ok. 

I’VE BEEN SHORT LISTED!!!

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After a really crappy morning I got an email that has made all the difference. I’ve been invited to the KU Talent Awards dinner because I’ve been short listed for the ‘Rising Star’ first year award. I don’t know if I can describe how excited I am or how grateful, just being short listed for something like this is so incredible and something I never thought I’d get. For the kid who wasn’t supposed to pass any of her exams I think I’m doing pretty well. After calling all of my family and Ali of course I spent the rest of the day mostly on a high, I HAD BEEN CHOSEN! 

I was only allowed to choose one guest, luckily I had thought about this at nomination stage. On the 14th March my Mum and I will be attending the dinner and awards which has a ‘Hollywood Glamour’ theme! So as you can guess it is now a frenzy of getting things booked and bought, a new dress for Mum, our hair, nails (more for Mum, possibly for me) and the room at the hotel it’s being held in. I honestly have no idea who is going to be there or what’s going to happen but I’m feeling happy and excited, if not a tad nervous about it too. 

I’m so glad I could share this with all of my 50 (??) followers and thank all for you for reading, I think this blog really gave me the confidence to go forward and talk to staff about going for the award itself. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to win but being short listed? It just makes me feel good to be recognised by the university! So now I have around 3 weeks to get over my nerves and get ready! Keep your fingers crossed, I might even win! 

Where has the year gone?!?!

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Tomorrow I have my last lecture of first year English Literature. Last week my favourite module ‘Deabtes in Literature’ had its last lecture, tomorrow it will be for Writing and Rhetoric and that’s all my lectures for first year over. I didn’t realise when I signed up that it was 2 teaching blocks and one purely for exams/assignments and so it is a bit of a shock.

It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was packing up my things, nervous as hell and wondering how on earth I was going to get through the first year and now I only have a week and 3 months until I pack everythin away and had back to Basingstoke for a summer. Most people are planning on going home as soon as classes end, for me that would be the 21st March but Kingston can’t get away from me that esaily! I still have so much planned, a flat to find, assignments to write, my teaching job is 15 days between April and the end of June. I’m hoping to be working for the uni again if my interview goes well, fingers crossed!

I don’t really want this year to end, aside from not really feeling that good about the halls situation and my struggles with Creative Writing I’ve loved first year. I have friends, adventures and a whole different life here. I’m kind of a different person to who I was before and that’s okay. I’m more aware of my illness and how to manage it, I have more of an idea about myself I think and Kingston has helped a lot.

I makes me upset that in a mere few months a third of my degree will be done. As excited as I am at the thought of going into second year I’m bloody terrified too. The work will be uppsed, I’ll be living with Ali for the first time and I’ll be managing bills, a job hopefully as well as trying to keep the blog going. It’s easy, if I think too much, to get overwhelmed by this in an instant, to start to freak out and lose sleep, which I previously would have. I am working through ways of not letting things get on top of me and trying to keep my anxieties under control. 

So now I’m sitting here with part of next year reading list and taking a good go at it but for once I’m not rushing to start second year. Yes it’s me and I will do additional reading over the summer, I’ll try and get ahead but no in such an urgent way. I’m pretty happy just being at uni and taking my time a little more. Now I’m not saying I’m at peace and calm now, my anxiety has been a bitch for the past week but right now I’m just hoping I can appreciate what I have left of first year.

Awake!!!

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I’m bored. I am so, so bored. I have been back in my flat since 4pm and I’m just constntly trying to find things to do to entertain myself. I did thinking about going to sleep but my mind is curious tonight, fizzing over with a million and one ideas. I’ve been writing, reading, watching movies and videos, trying to play guitar, thinking about practicing piano, thinking about assigments. The list is usually endless when I’m in one of these moods and it’s more than likely because I had a good nights sleep last night, not I can’t stop bouncing. I’m having to find things in my room because there is nothing to do at Seething Wells.

There was a point where I contemplated getting on a bus back to Kingston Hill to see the boys just for something to do, although I have arranged to meet my friend Jen for dinner tomorrow. When I’m in this mood I want to do absolutely everything, write, sing, read, absorb, plan. This blog post is going to come out frantic as ever but I just can’t sit still, my flat is as quiet as hell though…I’ve only seen one flat mate today and that was coming back from Sainsburys.  I’ve gone from wanting sleep more than anything for the past few weeks to being up and awake and restless in a matter of days. I might end up sleeping all day tomorrow but hopefully I’ll find something to do, oh damn am I bored! 

Always some bumps in the road

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Today has truly been an up and down day, although despite everything it was definately better than yesterday! Although I’m dying ot tell you all every single detail some are just going to have to wait! It started with actually waking up on time and in a good mood, always a good start today.  After that some great new about No People Club (watch this space!!!) which left my bus ride to uni pretty brilliant. Follow that with a great seminar, a feedback lunch with the uni, some news on the nominations for the student awards and I was happy as pie for the majority of the morning. 

This is where the whole, one tiny thing can change my mood, comes in. I then recieved an email with some feedback and results from Creative Writing. The easiest thing to say is that I wasn’t best pleased and it had a pretty bad impact on me. Thankfully my friend Jen listen to me rant for a bit  before I spoke to disability, they’ll be supporting me now. That’s all I can say really, apart from it’s made me 100% sure I am right to leave Creative Writing. Even after I was still pretty low and the disgusting sight from the window of the bus of a man beating a dog in public had me on the verge of tears (If there had been a bus stop nearby I would have got off and gone after him, I would have also said something to the people around at the time!). 

I’m lucky that I have such supportive friends, the boys in the band were able to cheer me up within half an hour and we ended up having a night of chicken and band banter. Oh and I got an email to say I have an interview to be a student ambassador, something I’ve wanted since I attended open days myself, I screamed when I got the email. It’s all I needed really and now I’m sat here with Ali, full of chicken and pretty sleepy actually. So as you can see it’s always ups and downs but I’m lucky that today has ended on a very big up! 

Anxious, anxious, anxious

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This week I got a great response from writing about living with disabilities at university and it was such a great boost to not only hear from people online but also to speak to people at university about it. The problem is that no matter how much positive feedback I get, it doesn’t make the illness disappear. Today has been filled with anxiety, tiredness and just general stress. Waking up hungover didn’t really help anything but I was still in a pretty good mood after chatting to Dan and then kissing Ali before I hopped on the bus. 

At this point I’d already made up my mind that I wasn’t going to my Creative Writing lecture later on. I was in a bad mood, I’d been feeling anxious since the night before and all I really wanted was my bed, not to have to sit and fake a smile in a lecture that if I’m honest I just didn’t want to be in. Creative Writing is just becoming too much for me at the moment, I’m not enjoying myself and I’m counting down until it’s all going to be done. 

So I spent the afternoon alone watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother before going back up to Kingston Hill for a spontaneous trip to visit Ali’s new amp case (long story, too long to explain). I didn’t feel great, but I felt better being around him until my anxiety got the better of me. I’m not the easiest person to be around when I’ve been jumpy, combine that with tiredness and I’m a pain in the arse really.After things had calmed down we hugged and I tried to explain why I’d been so irritated. This is the thing about Ali and I, we get each other and not in a gooey romantic kind of way, in a you learn these things about each other way. 

I’m still feeling pretty crappy and I’m not going to do much else tonight. Off to bed I go. 

Happy Birthday Rhys!!

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Today is our lovely drummer Rhys’ first UK birthday! He’s turning 19 and I’m just so damn pleased we get to spend this evening with him. He’s just one of the greatest guys I know and he takes care of all of us pretty well despite being the youngest of the band (although he hates to admit it). Happy 19th Birthday Rhys, my absolute favourite American, I can’t wait to party tonight away with some awesome people! 

Living with a ‘disability’

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As far as I was concerned when I applied to university I wasn’t disabled, I’d never been disabled and I just had to get on with my life in the best way possible.Little did I know I’d suffered with at least one disability my entire life. Now I’ve written before about being Dyslexic but I haven’t really gone into detail about how it can impact on my life at uni or otherwise. The majority of people here and at home that are friends with Ali and I are shocked and sometimes don’t believe me when I say I’m registered with the Dyslexia and Disability department, they ask me why and sometimes still make their own assumptions about if I’m ‘really’ disabled.

It’s a funny word that I never really use about myself. When most people hear the word disability they think of something physical, a wheelchair, a walking aide, a white stick are all a lot easier to understand. Depression and Anxiety isn’t visible and I have gone for years with some people not having a clue. As with the Dyslexia, I went nearly 15 years in the education system without it being picked up that I was not only Dyslexic but severely Dyslexic and not just stupid as I had thought. Both of my ‘disabilities’ are mental, I explain a lot that it’s not uncommon for someone with a mental health condition to wish it was physical, people understand that.

So I wanted to use today’s blog to talk about some of the common misconceptions about disability as a student and how my life is impacted by BOTH of them.

1. People with Dyslexia only have problems reading or writing

This is a HUGE misconception that simply needs a little bit more education. Whilst I was at school it was thought I couldn’t be Dyslexic as I was in the top class for English. Although my CAT scores were lower and I constantly struggled with little things like paragraphing, punctuation and spelling it wasn’t really looked in to. Even at uni some of my seminar leaders admit they know nothing about Dyslexia and if I ‘try a bit harder’ I might pick up these things. Dyslexia has a massive spectrum for me my weaknesses are processing information, spelling (I will change a whole sentence if I can’t spell a word sometimes), grammar, basic skills and the speed in which I do things.  

2. Depressed people don’t have fun, they’re constantly unhappy

This just isn’t true for the majority of depressed people. There are flickers of light even in your darkest days but because of the way you’re thinking it’s just harder to see them. I’m out of the darkest part but on a low I find it hard to think positively. With gentle encouragement and time there can be good days for someone with Depression. We can be fun too!! 

3. You’d know if you were dyslexic

I found out I was dyslexic at 19 years old studying for a degree in English Literature. I knew I struggled a lot but it was my tutor who suggested getting a test. A lot of things make sense now as to WHY I struggled. 

4. You don’t need a fancy new laptop from the government for uni

There is a lot of jealousy over disabled students because we get DSA (Disabled Student Allowance). I have been insulted many times saying that I don’t need help. I do get help in the form of a dyslexia tutor and a mental health mentor. I got a laptop, programming, a printer and a voice recorder to help me with my studies because sometimes I struggle. There are people who play the system to get what they want but it’s not all of us!! I hate being accused of being a ‘scrounger’ by people who spend all their student loan on booze. I’m really grateful that I got the help I did because it makes life SO much easier!

5. Anxiety is just a part of life

I was actually told this after my diagnosis by a member of staff who I believe thought I was lying. Yes anxiety is a part of life but living with it is different. The most minor things will make you fret and worry constantly, losing concentration, sleep and generally making you quite poorly. That is anxiety, trust me.

6. It’s all attention seeking

No. Just no.

7. You can’t have a learning difficulty, you’re smart

8. Why do you get money? It’s not really fair is it?

Going back to number 4, I don’t get direct payments but some people do to help them cover costs. I have an amount for extra books, ink, etc. Just think if you became disabled wouldn’t you find that help a relief? I certainly do, it means I don’t put unnecessary worry or strain on myself or those around me and can get the help I need.

9. How do your disabilities affect your day to day life

More than you may think! In terms of dyslexia, it effects my reading, writing, spelling, memory, processing things quickly (which makes exams horrible), the time it takes for me to do things, my driving (I’m on my 4th test now) which really bugs me. I’m learning to adapt to it. My Depression/Anxiety makes me a worrier, can put me on a low where I’m really unmotivated, can make me irritable, tired an honestly can mean I’m not a great person to be around. Occasionally I’ll have to miss a day of class because I’m feeling that crappy. I’m lucky that I have a good group of people who understand around me.

10. Is it hard?

Yes. It can be but I wouldn’t change it…well most of the time anyway. I find ways to get around things, to smile and carry on to the best I can. Now I understand why I struggle with certain things and for me that’s great! I can learn how to fix them 🙂

So there it is, hopefully some questions have been answered. If you have any more PLEASE! comment below or tweet me!

6 months in

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6 months ago I started my first day at Kingston. 6 months and 3 days ago I moved away from home for the first time and I’ve survived so far. While I’ve come home this weekend I’ve started realising that I’ve actually changed a fair bit, not too much but enough. I’ve started sorting myself out, becoming more independent and just generally being happier. As much as I love my family I’ve realised that I don’t need to be in Basingstoke anymore. I’m happy having independence, choosing what to do, what to eat and just working things out for myself (with a little help from Ali and the guys at times). I guess I’m kinda done with this town for a while, maybe not forever but I just love being in a busy city. I love hopping on a train and being in London in 20 minutes, being on the river and being in a student town (Basingstoke is definately not a student hot spot).

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that university changes you, for the better I think. I’ve experienced so much and I’ll experience so much more in the next 2 and a half years. the one thing you really notice though? How quickly time flies. When I was at school days stretch on and on, I never thought I would get out alive or that it would eventually end. College just seemed to be a waiting period but now I’m at uni everything goes so fast but I think I love the speed! I’m so excited to carry on in September because I love my Lit course and actually being liked for being smart. So six months in I think I’m doing okay and that’s important for me to know.

Here’s to the next six!