It needs to rain for the flowers to grow, everyone knows that. The quote may seem silly or ,shock horror, cliché but in situations like today it’s true. Despite the amazing news about being shortlisted for the ‘Rising Star’ award today was not a great day. I’m still struggling with my anxiety and have been feeling pretty low for a few days now, but because it’s me it’s very up and down. I don’t want people to worry about me because of this dip, it’s actually made me realise I’m doing the right things to help myself. If I feel down and I don’t have the time I’ll walk to uni and eat something small. I usually make myself busy so I’m not alone in the flat whihc can be very isolating.
Today was one of those days where I just couldn’t make myself happy, it was raining again and I was running late, a morning walk was out of the question. I was still tired and nervous about things coming up. Did I want to see anyone? Did I hell. I don’t have much to talk about because nothing really happened, I didn’t feel overly unhappy but I just felt ‘meh’ if anyone understands what I mean by that. It times like these where I know that I have a great support network around me, Ali, my family, staff at uni and some close friends who understand when I just need to be quiet and think about things.
I’ll mention Ali more than anyone else on this blog because he deals with every side of me and sometimes it’s hard on him as well as me. He knows I’m trying and usually he knows what to say. He knows when I need a hug or a nap, he knows when I need to be told to get up, give it another go and carry on. This has been the case with my driving lessons lately, the closer I get to taking a test the more I freak out, hence the anxiety attack at 8am on Monday morning while I was on the phone to my Mum. He knows how much I hate this.
A lot of people as if I would get rid of the illness if I could. Of course I would, anyone would. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling miserable for no reason, especially when there are so many good things going on around me at the moment. It’s a pretty shitty feeling. That said I have learnt a lot about it, I’ve learnt a lot about myself and the world I live in. I think in some ways it has made me a better person. The thing is with uni is for the first time I can express how I feel, I can tell someone I’m feeling really stressed and anxious at the moment, I need some time. Or I can say I’m having a low day, I need to go home and relax for a bit or the opposite of calling someone and saying I need people around, can I see you? There are some silver linings to this, although I grant you I wouldn’t say there are many. I’m hoping that by writing this it means I’m finally coming out of the past few days, I know I’ll be ok.