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Changing your mind

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As you all know I have had a lot of second thoughts about Creative Writing for about a month now but apart from my blog I’ve kept it quiet in uni apart from the people I have to tell. 

The truth is I’ve been struggling with the fact that I’ve changed my mind. In a way it  felt kind of like a failure, I’ve always been organised and well researched when it comes to uni. I like to know what’s going on and admitting I was wrong and picked the wrong course…it upset me. I honestly believed I was picking a course I was going to love. 

There are so many factors as to why I’ve changed my mind it’s not just people not liking my style, that would be stupid. I just don’t feel like I’m moving forward, I don’t feel confident in the group and I don’t feel like I need a Creative Writing degree to be a writer. It’s different to English Literature because I’m in love with it and passionate and I do extra work because I enjoy it! 

What I’m really trying to say is I’ve worked out that it’s ok to change your mind. Things don’t always go the way we planned, but I suppose that’s just life. 

Remember,remember the 5th of November…the day that I got off my arse

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Alright so unless you talk to my parents most people will agree that I try and get on and do things (if you’re reading this the dishwasher doesn’t count Mum!), after yesterday’s down day I woke up still in a foul mood..uh oh! I slept in late intentionally so I could try and see if I simply needed sleep to relieve my mood, I was wrong. I don’t know why I get like it really I just get in a foul mood and I can’t shake it no matter how hard I try. In my driving lesson things picked up, I can definately still successfully drive and not crash into anything (always a bonus). Then as the lesson came to an end my mood started to decrease after a few comments. I’m naturally nervous but this wasn’t too much of a problem today. Despite my progress and skills my instructor has made it clear to pass by Janurary I have to do 2 hours a week with him or go all the way back to Basingstoke and drive with my parents, both were pretty silly ideas. It takes me between an hour and two hours to get back to Basingstoke and a return journey is £30.00 roughly which isn’t happening, as well as the expense I moved away to be independent not rely on Mum and Dad. His other suggestion seemed odd, on the one hand I was being told I was a brilliant driver and that I could easily pass my test now on my driving skills. On the other hand here I am being told that I have to have 2 hours a week of lessons (at the lovely price of £40 may I add) or I wont be ready for my test. It makes no sense at all!! So now I’m in the game of attempting to find yet another instructor which is of course great fun.

So I felt slightly put out and not in the best mood to attend the meeting. Toi cut a long story short my lecturers are a great network of support. After a long discussion with my director of studies and a chat with my Literature lecture by chance I have submitted an application to become a full field literature student!! I’m so excited and scared at the prospect and it’ll be a lot of work but hopefully I’ll get my creative writing mojo back if I drop it! It’s very possiblethey will say no this late in the term but I have the full support of my lecturers. If not things have been put in place to make sure I will be a full field Literature student from second year onwards!

In the words of Katy Perry ‘You’re gonna hear me roar’ and that Kingston is what you are going to get.

A productive day…or so I thought!

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Today  I have been very pleased with myself. I got up with time to spare and ended up making it to uni half an hour early to attend my mental health meeting. To put it bluntly I don’t like the meetings at all, the bore and irritate me and I don’t feel like anything gets achieved. I tried to stay positive and got it over and done with despite some really disappointing news.

Onwards and upwards they usually say so I continued, got myself a Starbucks and a cake and carried on in the library getting quite a lot of work done (the silent area is incredible when you have a lot to do) before meeting my friend Joe. I set off into town to try  and get Ali’s birthday present sorted, however I now have to go back to Basingstoke for this!!! I was still quite happy about this when I got the bus home and was given a lovely dinner by my flatmate (he felt sorry for my god damn awful cooking last night… don’t even ask!). It wasn’t until it hit me what this mental health meeting had done did I start to get angry. I don’t want to go into too much detail in regards to other but I’ve been having some difficulties at uni lately and after talking to the right people I now have to relay everything again to more important people and I really don’t feel comfortable with it. So now instead of the happy Chloe I’ve been for the last few days I’m stressed,tired and anxious. 

I’m desperately hoping tomorrow will be better and I’ll have a good day but right now I think it’s time for bed. 

Claire

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Claire and I at Ali’s birthday dinner 

Ali’s birthday was made extra special this year, with a visit from his big sister! This meant I had a visitor for the night. Now I’ve already spoken about Ali’s surprise party and everything that happened yesterday so I won’t remind you again. Today I had Claire all to myself and it was time to show her around Kingston, shopping style. Having said that I was quite lucky have Claire as a guest, she generally knows where she wants to shop so we didn’t spend hours being indecisive.

In fact the best thing about today was where we found our ideal buys (well Claire did, I didn’t buy much today). I’m a big fan of charity shops and apparently so is Claire. After out last shop in Kingston (a vintage shop on Old London Road) we decided to head back to Surbiton and see what we could find, the result was just short of beautiful. Claire found lots of beautiful designer clothes for a fraction of the price, I think it’s safe to say she went home with lighter pockets but a bigger smile.

It was so great having Claire here because she is a hub of uni advice. Although some things have changed since she graduated (although not much, she only graduated a year or two ago!) the best thing she’s taught me is that you don’t have to know what you want to be when you leave Uni. She’s still searching and she’s happy, so it gives me hope. I’m back at the flat alone now and it’s a little too quiet and a little lonely after it being the first night back by myself but alas the essays are calling me….

A very special birthday

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Just after midnight on November 2nd you could hear the excited sequels of a new box of Lego being opened. You may assume this was a pair of naughty children who had waited till midnight to open their birthday presents, that wasn’t the case Ali and ben got very excited by The Hobbit Lego Ali got for his 20th birthday. As you can see above no time was wasted, we sat and watched Ali put it together until about 1am while I was secretly ecstatic that Ali still wasn’t a grown up haha!  I’d casually joked to him that once he turned 20 I would leave him for a younger model, I didn’t you’ll be pleased to know. I don’t know why but I find 20 a really big deal and I dread that in 10 months time I’ll have to face being in my twenties…your twenties is where your supposed to figure things out! Uh-oh!

The next day Ali had no idea what was in store and he stayed in bed while I went to pick up his sister from the station. She knew what was going on and I filled her in on the final details as we dropped her stuff at mine. Meanwhile the party was being prepared and I was stuck on a bus 20 minutes away, luckily we managed to get back in time. This was the result…

 A cake made of doughnuts 

A brilliant table decoration thanks to Amy, Alexia and Ben 

 

And a happy Ali after we ended up in Pizza Hut (despite me getting the wrong present oops!). After that he got to also spend some time with his sister, I’d call it a success 🙂 Happy 20th Ali, I’ll forgive you for getting old.

Getting back.

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As of last night I wasn’t going back to Uni. I was so stressed, complete with feeling very ill this morning. The closer I got though I started to relax (Chloe 1 Anxiety 0), right now I’m watching the balls play pool and waiting to perform. I’m ok but missing home too. Now I’m back I’m anxious but hopeful I can turn this around, fingers crossed after a stressed afternoon it’ll be ok. I’m so excited for Ali’s 20th tomorrow! I have some surprises in store but for now I’m enjoying my last night with my teenage boyfriend 😉

A different kind of Halloween…

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Many of you will have headed out to Halloween parties tonight dressed as many different things (hopefully not as a slutty pumpkin, sorry I couldn’t leave out the How I Met Your Mother reference). I, however, spent my Halloween a little differently to how I normally would. After going to the kids party last night I decided to be a good big sister and cousin and watch them at Tae Kwon Do. It was just my luck when we arrive that they said they would be playing Halloween games most of the night instead, brilliant. So I spent most of my Halloween night in a car park with my Mum trying to get used to driving again. 

In other more interesting news I got my nose pierced today, with my friend Sammy by my side, to match my new hair colour. I’ve wanted to do this for quite a long time and to answer what seems to be everyone’s question, yes it did hurt. I quite like the way it looks though despite having to wipe blood from my nose every 20 minutes, who knows maybe this is the start of a new, slightly more rebellious, me! 

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The beautiful Sam and I before I had my nose done. Image

My beautiful new piercing and smudged eyeliner from my eye watering after…

Always getting ahead

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At the age of seven I stood up in front of my Aunt’s wedding reception and sang ‘Eternal Flame’ by The Bangles. I was not bothered in the slightest I just stood up and sang while adults got all misty eyed and I was none the wiser. Since I was small I’ve always been confident and I’ve been ahead of my class most school years (so much so that at one point they thought I might end up at Oxford or Cambridge). Even at the age of five I couldn’t stand being read too, so instead I’d read to my mum at night, not bothering with silly voices I just wanted to read it. As I got older my confidence as a performer grew and so did my skills in reading and writing I was on top form. Even when I was bullied I may have lost the majority of my confidence but apart from Maths I was generally either one of the smarter ones in my class or at least ahead of what I was supposed to be. 

Why am I tell you all this? Not to show off I can assure you. Once I started Uni I realised I wasn’t the smartest any more and there are things that I didn’t know, even about myself. I’ve been finding parts of Uni a struggle, things I shouldn’t. For me this was really tough, I’d been the smart girl for the past 2 years, what was I now? This started to have a real impact on me, for the last few weeks I’ve been really uncertain. I spoke to people and now questions are being raised about me being Dyslexic. This doesn’t surprise me as I knew I already had tendencies but after a talk with my tutor she said usually brighter children find way to compensate and hide it. It got me thinking and academically I love pleasing people so maybe I held off in the other dyslexia tests? I wont know for a little while but it has been agreed that I will have a test paid for by the uni to see if they can give me any help and find the cause. 

I think I need to relax but I do worry about being behind. I have to be organised, I have to be on time and usually I need to know what’s going on. Sometimes (as I mentioned before) it’s a blessing but it’s also exhausting so I’m trying to take a leaf out of Ali’s book and be more relaxed about things. I need to learn to go with the flow, we’ll see how that works out! Anxiety plays it’s part and I’m hoping when CBT starts working I will be able to be that little bit more relaxed. Apart from worrying about going back to Halls I haven’t had to use CBT today but it’s still going to take time. This is something that I can’t get ahead with, a new way to learn I suppose! 

Sister Time

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Today I was able to spend some quality time with my baby sister who is, in my opinion, beautiful inside and out. Now sometimes darling Summer-Rose can be a total teenage and a total pain in the arse. She knows what she wants and she tells people what she thinks. To me this is more of a relief than anything, my sister will not be bullied because she wont let anyone bully her. As I’ve move out I feel like we’re closer than ever and our phone calls get longer every week (our poor parents who pay for them!) and I get surprised about how grown up she is. She is no longer that little girl any more. It isn’t playing with make-up any more she thinks carefully, she hates her school work because she already knows it. She questions me about Uni and College trying to work out what she wants to do but at the same time she wants to see the Lego movie with Ali next month, she loves cuddles and she loves anything pink so actually she still is my very little sister. There is a seven year age gap between us so I’ll always see her as a baby and I think I find it harder than Mum to let her become a teenager.  I like to know that she’ll come to me with problems or when someone is doing her head in, I also like that she is now her own person. In short I am very,very proud of my baby sister.

That piece of the puzzle that just doesn’t quite fit

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I’ve been at home since Friday. The up side is that I can sleep in late and get an early night if I want too, the down side is that it gives you a lot of time to think. I’ve known for a long while that I don’t normally fit in with people my age but I thought university would be different. 

The easiest way to say this is that I don’t see my childhood best friends, I still speak to one of them but she lives in Australia meaning it’s hard to talk or see each other. Everyone talks about people they’ve known since they were children I don’t really have that any more apart from Grace who I met in year 5/6, she’s a year younger than me. Similarly for Secondary I never had one best friend, each year we’d drift apart and I’d start again the following September. I still speak to one or two people from school on a semi regular basis but not really enough to say we’re best friends. As for college? My so called best friend got whipped and decided that our 3 1/2 year friendship wasn’t worth anything and has nothing to do with me anymore. 

I started to think that I was a bad person, it must be my fault that I don’t have a best friend and then I went to Uni. There isn’t one student I don’t get along with. I may be honest with people but I am certainly not a bitch. So I have friends, flat mates and few people who I consider very close if not best friends but I’m always paranoid about if it will last. There are very few consistent friends I have had through my life Grace, Lucy B, Jordan, Erin and Ali are the names that spring to mind I never have to try around them we just pick up where we left off. I know I sound confusing here and I am confused. The only person who I ever feel totally in sync with is Ali and that’s why we’re always best friends first. 

The problem is that now I have to make new friends and I do but I just feel different. The girls talk about things like make up and hair stuff, something I know absolutely nothing about. There aren’t many boys around to talk to at the moment either and the ones I am good friends with are on different courses mostly. I just feel like I should have made a group of friends and should be going out a lot, unfortunately I spend way too much time in my room. 

 

So as I’m writing this I’m trying to put my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in place. I have to try and realise why I feel this way and if possible how to change it. So here we go blog readers I’ll share this moment with you. 

Anxiety – I haven’t made a close group of friends 

             – Coming home has made me upset as I have only seen a handful of friends and had them talk to me since moving

             – I feel like I’ve missed out when I don’t have many people who can visit me at uni 

Solution?  

            – Remind myself that it has only been 6 weeks, I have 3 years! 

           – Keep talking to people

Anxiety – I don’t go out as much as everyone else

Solution – I have asked my flat mate if I can try going out with her and her friends more as I’ve had a good time before

               – Call Bekkie tomorrow and have a chat

 

Anxiety – I messed up my hair today 

Solution – Attempt to fix it with mum tomorrow

 

So there you go I’ve tried working through it, I already feel more positive oddly enough!