I’ve been at home since Friday. The up side is that I can sleep in late and get an early night if I want too, the down side is that it gives you a lot of time to think. I’ve known for a long while that I don’t normally fit in with people my age but I thought university would be different.
The easiest way to say this is that I don’t see my childhood best friends, I still speak to one of them but she lives in Australia meaning it’s hard to talk or see each other. Everyone talks about people they’ve known since they were children I don’t really have that any more apart from Grace who I met in year 5/6, she’s a year younger than me. Similarly for Secondary I never had one best friend, each year we’d drift apart and I’d start again the following September. I still speak to one or two people from school on a semi regular basis but not really enough to say we’re best friends. As for college? My so called best friend got whipped and decided that our 3 1/2 year friendship wasn’t worth anything and has nothing to do with me anymore.
I started to think that I was a bad person, it must be my fault that I don’t have a best friend and then I went to Uni. There isn’t one student I don’t get along with. I may be honest with people but I am certainly not a bitch. So I have friends, flat mates and few people who I consider very close if not best friends but I’m always paranoid about if it will last. There are very few consistent friends I have had through my life Grace, Lucy B, Jordan, Erin and Ali are the names that spring to mind I never have to try around them we just pick up where we left off. I know I sound confusing here and I am confused. The only person who I ever feel totally in sync with is Ali and that’s why we’re always best friends first.
The problem is that now I have to make new friends and I do but I just feel different. The girls talk about things like make up and hair stuff, something I know absolutely nothing about. There aren’t many boys around to talk to at the moment either and the ones I am good friends with are on different courses mostly. I just feel like I should have made a group of friends and should be going out a lot, unfortunately I spend way too much time in my room.
So as I’m writing this I’m trying to put my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in place. I have to try and realise why I feel this way and if possible how to change it. So here we go blog readers I’ll share this moment with you.
Anxiety – I haven’t made a close group of friends
– Coming home has made me upset as I have only seen a handful of friends and had them talk to me since moving
– I feel like I’ve missed out when I don’t have many people who can visit me at uni
– Remind myself that it has only been 6 weeks, I have 3 years!
– Keep talking to people
Anxiety – I don’t go out as much as everyone else
Solution – I have asked my flat mate if I can try going out with her and her friends more as I’ve had a good time before
– Call Bekkie tomorrow and have a chat
Anxiety – I messed up my hair today
Solution – Attempt to fix it with mum tomorrow
So there you go I’ve tried working through it, I already feel more positive oddly enough!