I’ve got some amazing news to share with you all. I’m confirmed as a Kingston University Student Ambassador!!! This has bee na job I’ve wanted since I started coming to open days at the uni because ambassadors really do make a huge difference to people applying to uni. I’ve had some fab times with ambassadors, mainly at Headstart in the summer holidays, but I’ve gotten to be good friends with some. So now I’ll be attending training and have my first day on the 15th March! I’m so looking forward to working for the university and being able to help people with my own experiences. Although this won’t be a long blog tonight I’m so incredibly excited and I can’t wait for training next week!!
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Late night hospital visits and being looked after
The current state of my wrist that’s getting darker
So after writing that quick post to say we were getting evacuated last night things to a turn and became quite dramatic. After I writing to you all I popped to my friend Jen’s to have a wee (although we ended up talking and I never got there). My signal dropped out but I wasn’t concerned would wouldn’t be properly evacuated, come on! Apart from the 3 missed calls from my flat mate saying ot ge tback we were all being evacuated for the night, it was Carbon Monoxide.
No one really seemed to know what was going on, we were going to be re housed for the night in Seething Wells. That was the first no no I was anxious as hell it was nearly midnight and I was expected to go to a strangers flat and they couldn’t give us any info about when we were allowed back. I called Ali and he said I could stay with him (although waking him up was a bad idea, he resembles a bear when he’s woke in a bad way). The one proble was I’d started to feel weird and sick so to be on the safe side Jen recommended I call our emergency but not emergency line 111, while her lovely boyfriend Ben carried my bags down the stairs.
Long story short I was told to get to A&E to be safe and after dragging Ali out of bed we were sat in Kingston A&E department and I could not stop shaking. Niether of us like hospitals or needles so the blood tests were fun. I’ll admit I burst into tears but it was just going to be a normal blood test right? Wrong it was going to be one from my artery…that took at least 5 attempts to find it, from my wrist, it felt like my skin was being pulled off at times and I bruised within 2 minutes. Then another test after because they hadn’t gotten enough blood followed by an ECG. Honestly all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.
Luckily I was discharged and ended up walking 15/20 minutes back to Kingston Hill with Ali which despite everything was actually really relaxing. It was quiet, birds were singing that or my sleep deprived mine was going off on one! We got back at around 3am and I slept like a baby. Right now I’ve had about 6 hours sleep and it’s nearly midnight.
I know this has been a long one and that’s only last night! I went to mentoring, alerted the main student accomodation services and was finally let back in the flat. After that driving, getting my suitcase again and an invite from Jen and Ben to make me dinner and keep me company tonight. So I’m shattered but things could have been a lot worse. Now, to bed!!!
Evacuate! Evacuate!
Aside from the internet continuously cutting out I’m having to write this from the halls common room. I’ve only been back at uni for a few hours and an alarm kept going off. We’ve been evacuated from the flat for a possible Carbon Monoxide leak and I’m not sure when we’ll be allowed back, there’s talks of us being relocated tonight… Hopefully I’ll be able to update you all later.
Aaaaaaand Relax
I’m writing this to you from my lovely kitchen table, no not the one that hasn’t been cleaned for a week, I’m finally at home. It was a pretty last minute decision to actually come back. I’d been feeling a little off all week and Ali had assignments to do this weekend, so I decided I might as well come and see the family. I can already see what a difference it has made, I’ve relaxed, I don’t care what I look like and it’s nice just being around my family.
Today was a little stressful, deadlines are fast approaching and they’re all due in the same 2 weeks I think. It’s pretty nerve wracking when my scholarship now depends on how well I do. The worst part? I have to do a group presentation, something which makes me feel sick. I get nervous around people I don’t know, who don’t understand why I get stressed. I’m also a little hurt that some people who I thought would want to work with me already grouped up and forgot about me but I have high hopes for my group.
So when I got back I was tired and more than stressed but in a few hours it’s all kinda melted, I managed a few essay plans and I’m bound to get some reading done (after thankfully avoiding a party night at halls I’ve been told). I’m hoping that after a few days at home I wont be as anxious and I can just get on and get things done!
A visit from the Mummy Bear!
Me and Mum.
Today my Mum came up to meet me! She turned up earlier than normal so we ended up getting the uni bus, one of my friends actually thought Mum was a student too which made her day. We spent the day wandering around Kingston and got a fab lunch at the Hungry Horse. After seeing Mum today I’ve decided I want to get away and go home this weekend. There’s nothing really to report, we wondered around, ate and then went back to mine before Mum had to catch her train. All I can say now is that I can’t wait to head on home 🙂
Buying Mum a pint at lunch!!! No silly wine for us!
I couldn’t ask for better followers
I decided that despite attending my Student Ambassador interview today I wanted to write a blog about the people who come back week after week and read my thoughts and feelings. After yesterdays blog post I was overwhelmed by the positive responses from so many people both my WordPress and Twitter exploded with comments, likes and retweets and it really made me get my confidence back. I’ve had people I go to uni with come up and talk to me about the blog, about mental illness which is more than I ever thought I could do.
I’m not writing this because I think I’m famous but I did want to let you all know I appreciate every comment, like or follow. It helps me along the way more than people realise and I hope that I can keep writing this blog during my time and uni and beyond. This illness isn’t a curse, it can be a pain in the arse but the little conversations I have with people knowing that I have, in some ways, helped them? That’s something incredible in itself.
I also wanted to let you all know that aside from writing I’m working really hard with my band No People Club and today something odd happened. I was in a bit of an anxious state, I usually flinch away from the mic but given time I picked it up and I just sang an idea I really wasn’t sure of. Sounds simple, right? For me it’s difficult when my heart and soul goes into my lyrics and if they’re not perfect I hate to show them. Somethng happened tonight where I jsut thought, the boys won’t care if I hit a bum note or don’t have this worked out yet and you know what? They didn’t at all.
It really is the little things like that that make such a difference to me, little things I’ve struggled with that I can finally do. It might not be simple, it could come back tomorrow, next week or next year and I hate that, but for now I did it. Next up, get assignments done, pass my driving test and actually believe in myself in order to do that and just appreciate the friends I have.
Dark clouds on a sunny day
It needs to rain for the flowers to grow, everyone knows that. The quote may seem silly or ,shock horror, cliché but in situations like today it’s true. Despite the amazing news about being shortlisted for the ‘Rising Star’ award today was not a great day. I’m still struggling with my anxiety and have been feeling pretty low for a few days now, but because it’s me it’s very up and down. I don’t want people to worry about me because of this dip, it’s actually made me realise I’m doing the right things to help myself. If I feel down and I don’t have the time I’ll walk to uni and eat something small. I usually make myself busy so I’m not alone in the flat whihc can be very isolating.
Today was one of those days where I just couldn’t make myself happy, it was raining again and I was running late, a morning walk was out of the question. I was still tired and nervous about things coming up. Did I want to see anyone? Did I hell. I don’t have much to talk about because nothing really happened, I didn’t feel overly unhappy but I just felt ‘meh’ if anyone understands what I mean by that. It times like these where I know that I have a great support network around me, Ali, my family, staff at uni and some close friends who understand when I just need to be quiet and think about things.
I’ll mention Ali more than anyone else on this blog because he deals with every side of me and sometimes it’s hard on him as well as me. He knows I’m trying and usually he knows what to say. He knows when I need a hug or a nap, he knows when I need to be told to get up, give it another go and carry on. This has been the case with my driving lessons lately, the closer I get to taking a test the more I freak out, hence the anxiety attack at 8am on Monday morning while I was on the phone to my Mum. He knows how much I hate this.
A lot of people as if I would get rid of the illness if I could. Of course I would, anyone would. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling miserable for no reason, especially when there are so many good things going on around me at the moment. It’s a pretty shitty feeling. That said I have learnt a lot about it, I’ve learnt a lot about myself and the world I live in. I think in some ways it has made me a better person. The thing is with uni is for the first time I can express how I feel, I can tell someone I’m feeling really stressed and anxious at the moment, I need some time. Or I can say I’m having a low day, I need to go home and relax for a bit or the opposite of calling someone and saying I need people around, can I see you? There are some silver linings to this, although I grant you I wouldn’t say there are many. I’m hoping that by writing this it means I’m finally coming out of the past few days, I know I’ll be ok.
I’VE BEEN SHORT LISTED!!!
After a really crappy morning I got an email that has made all the difference. I’ve been invited to the KU Talent Awards dinner because I’ve been short listed for the ‘Rising Star’ first year award. I don’t know if I can describe how excited I am or how grateful, just being short listed for something like this is so incredible and something I never thought I’d get. For the kid who wasn’t supposed to pass any of her exams I think I’m doing pretty well. After calling all of my family and Ali of course I spent the rest of the day mostly on a high, I HAD BEEN CHOSEN!
I was only allowed to choose one guest, luckily I had thought about this at nomination stage. On the 14th March my Mum and I will be attending the dinner and awards which has a ‘Hollywood Glamour’ theme! So as you can guess it is now a frenzy of getting things booked and bought, a new dress for Mum, our hair, nails (more for Mum, possibly for me) and the room at the hotel it’s being held in. I honestly have no idea who is going to be there or what’s going to happen but I’m feeling happy and excited, if not a tad nervous about it too.
I’m so glad I could share this with all of my 50 (??) followers and thank all for you for reading, I think this blog really gave me the confidence to go forward and talk to staff about going for the award itself. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to win but being short listed? It just makes me feel good to be recognised by the university! So now I have around 3 weeks to get over my nerves and get ready! Keep your fingers crossed, I might even win!
Where has the year gone?!?!
Tomorrow I have my last lecture of first year English Literature. Last week my favourite module ‘Deabtes in Literature’ had its last lecture, tomorrow it will be for Writing and Rhetoric and that’s all my lectures for first year over. I didn’t realise when I signed up that it was 2 teaching blocks and one purely for exams/assignments and so it is a bit of a shock.
It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was packing up my things, nervous as hell and wondering how on earth I was going to get through the first year and now I only have a week and 3 months until I pack everythin away and had back to Basingstoke for a summer. Most people are planning on going home as soon as classes end, for me that would be the 21st March but Kingston can’t get away from me that esaily! I still have so much planned, a flat to find, assignments to write, my teaching job is 15 days between April and the end of June. I’m hoping to be working for the uni again if my interview goes well, fingers crossed!
I don’t really want this year to end, aside from not really feeling that good about the halls situation and my struggles with Creative Writing I’ve loved first year. I have friends, adventures and a whole different life here. I’m kind of a different person to who I was before and that’s okay. I’m more aware of my illness and how to manage it, I have more of an idea about myself I think and Kingston has helped a lot.
I makes me upset that in a mere few months a third of my degree will be done. As excited as I am at the thought of going into second year I’m bloody terrified too. The work will be uppsed, I’ll be living with Ali for the first time and I’ll be managing bills, a job hopefully as well as trying to keep the blog going. It’s easy, if I think too much, to get overwhelmed by this in an instant, to start to freak out and lose sleep, which I previously would have. I am working through ways of not letting things get on top of me and trying to keep my anxieties under control.
So now I’m sitting here with part of next year reading list and taking a good go at it but for once I’m not rushing to start second year. Yes it’s me and I will do additional reading over the summer, I’ll try and get ahead but no in such an urgent way. I’m pretty happy just being at uni and taking my time a little more. Now I’m not saying I’m at peace and calm now, my anxiety has been a bitch for the past week but right now I’m just hoping I can appreciate what I have left of first year.
Awake!!!
I’m bored. I am so, so bored. I have been back in my flat since 4pm and I’m just constntly trying to find things to do to entertain myself. I did thinking about going to sleep but my mind is curious tonight, fizzing over with a million and one ideas. I’ve been writing, reading, watching movies and videos, trying to play guitar, thinking about practicing piano, thinking about assigments. The list is usually endless when I’m in one of these moods and it’s more than likely because I had a good nights sleep last night, not I can’t stop bouncing. I’m having to find things in my room because there is nothing to do at Seething Wells.
There was a point where I contemplated getting on a bus back to Kingston Hill to see the boys just for something to do, although I have arranged to meet my friend Jen for dinner tomorrow. When I’m in this mood I want to do absolutely everything, write, sing, read, absorb, plan. This blog post is going to come out frantic as ever but I just can’t sit still, my flat is as quiet as hell though…I’ve only seen one flat mate today and that was coming back from Sainsburys. I’ve gone from wanting sleep more than anything for the past few weeks to being up and awake and restless in a matter of days. I might end up sleeping all day tomorrow but hopefully I’ll find something to do, oh damn am I bored!
Chloe Metzger 