The last week has been…different to how I’d expect it. I’ve had my first IV, more time at home than I planned, some very down days and now I’m back in my flat with Ali and my two Hams. Being ill on and off for the last few months has not been ideal. I’ve missed out on a lot and part of me thinks that it’s shown me a lot about myself and my life.

There were times this week where I’ve dropped into a very bad low, when this happens my body just tries to protect itself and I shut down. It’s very true that sometimes depression can leave you at your knees, weak, tired and your brain not quite belonging to you any more. So I just sat and cried and thought  a lot. I had to have a helpful shove from my Mum and then Ali to make sure I got out of bed and showered, as cliché as it sounds.

The thing with mental illness is that it doesn’t go away while your body is fighting something else, oh no. When I’m ill, I usually get mentally worse. I can’t do the things I have set up for when I’m normally upset, I’m stuck in bed feeling hopeless and then my brain starts to believe it. On top of that when I have sickness, like I have recently, I can’t take my medication either. To say it’s not a good combination is an understatement. Thankfully I have a family and partner who can help me up.

So, while I’m waiting for my ultrasound and the final answer I might not be my normal happy self. I feel tired, tired of all the stresses in my life, of my body and my mind feeling sick. While I might seem like a grump or miserable I wanted to let you wonderful people who can cheer me up instantly that it’s not who I feel I am. When I send a grumpy tweet or disappear for a few days it’s my depression taking hold, as hard as I try it is a part of me, a small part, but a part of me none the less.

Like the picture says, sometimes my body just goes ‘nope’, but I’ll keep going and keep fighting, just like I always do.  

Hello everyone,

I know, I know I dropped off the radar again. The illness that got me last time and the time before that and the time before that came back again, although this time it was worse. I ended up in the hospital with an IV in my arm, a bag of fluid and more blood tests being done, the NHS is fantastic and I’m eternally grateful for it. The tests came back normal and I’m still under investigation and have more tests to be done once I get back to London, all fun and games. It is probably to do with the amount of stress in my life with uni, people, work, money, basically everything is kind of happening at once and it’s hurt my body in someway or other.

I’ve decided to try and limit some of the stress in my life, particularly while the tests are ongoing. There’s a lot of things in my life that are in my control and I can do something about, which I think will mean that I will be just trying to limit my time I spend on my phone, I’m going to write more to do lists and eat small meals and just do what my doctors tell me. Life’s too short to spend time worrying and being as miserable as I have been for the past few months. Because I have been miserable, a lot has changed and happened in my life in the past year and I don’t know when things are going to turn around, but like I said before things can only get better.

So bare with me while I try and fix myself back together and really work out how to help my body get through whatever this is. As always thank you to the amazing people who have text, tweeted, sent me messages on Facebook and of course my wonderful Ali and family who have been taking care of me.

Tonight’s a short post, because I’ve been working until late night on my dissertation that I’ve spent most of the day stressing out about. People say that episodes of depression are when a fog comes down, it’s thick and covers everything. For me, that’s true, everything around me feels blurred and not quite real. I’m still there, getting on with life, talking to people but part of my mind isn’t there, it’s kind of like being underwater. So many clichés, I know, but unlike my old creative writing lecturers I like clichés. I like them because that’s how real people speak and think and feel. I never got them to agree with me on that, but still. 

I get the feeling that people think I’m rude sometimes or uninterested. I’m not. Those people usually don’t know what it’s like to fight with your own head. To worry about people not wanting to hire you because of stigma. To desperately hope you seem ‘normal’. People have judged me for a long time and there are only so many people that I really let in to the deepest parts, but I’m always open about this illness, because it is a PART of me, it is not who I am. 

There is so much stress around me right now and there is going to be so much change that I am struggling, physically and mentally. Good things still happen, and good people are still near but I’m only human. Hazy days happen whether I like them or not. It takes a while but eventually things are less blurry and I feel less sad. 

I keep reminding myself that I am not weak because of this. It’s hard but I have people around me who help along the way. I am strong, I’m a fighter and I work hard. I guess the fuzzy part of my brain on days like this is just another part of this fighting and another sign of how strong I can be when I need to be.