The last week has been…different to how I’d expect it. I’ve had my first IV, more time at home than I planned, some very down days and now I’m back in my flat with Ali and my two Hams. Being ill on and off for the last few months has not been ideal. I’ve missed out on a lot and part of me thinks that it’s shown me a lot about myself and my life.
There were times this week where I’ve dropped into a very bad low, when this happens my body just tries to protect itself and I shut down. It’s very true that sometimes depression can leave you at your knees, weak, tired and your brain not quite belonging to you any more. So I just sat and cried and thought a lot. I had to have a helpful shove from my Mum and then Ali to make sure I got out of bed and showered, as cliché as it sounds.
The thing with mental illness is that it doesn’t go away while your body is fighting something else, oh no. When I’m ill, I usually get mentally worse. I can’t do the things I have set up for when I’m normally upset, I’m stuck in bed feeling hopeless and then my brain starts to believe it. On top of that when I have sickness, like I have recently, I can’t take my medication either. To say it’s not a good combination is an understatement. Thankfully I have a family and partner who can help me up.
So, while I’m waiting for my ultrasound and the final answer I might not be my normal happy self. I feel tired, tired of all the stresses in my life, of my body and my mind feeling sick. While I might seem like a grump or miserable I wanted to let you wonderful people who can cheer me up instantly that it’s not who I feel I am. When I send a grumpy tweet or disappear for a few days it’s my depression taking hold, as hard as I try it is a part of me, a small part, but a part of me none the less.
Like the picture says, sometimes my body just goes ‘nope’, but I’ll keep going and keep fighting, just like I always do.