In 25 days I will have handed in every piece of my undergraduate degree and it will be over. Three years of my time, effort, tears, endurance will all be submitted for review, marking and then the terrifying final mark to determine what degree I get. Yesterday I completed the final presentation on my literature degree and while I won’t say that I’ll miss them (academic presentations drive me mad) it was strange to think that I won’t have to do this again. I’m not complaining.

It was also a time to be around the rest of my year, all of which have the same panics and anxieties as me. Dissertations need to be written, essay topics need to be finalised, research needs to still be done and most importantly we bonded over our lack of sleep. Despite all that I found myself this morning really lagging in motivation. I want it all over but at the same time I’ve sat down to write and nothing is coming. I’m hoping that going out with my sister tonight will take my mind off of things and that the Sunday – Tuesday block of work I’ve set myself will work and beat the motivational slump I’m faced with at the moment.

I’ve always wanted to be open on this blog and so I will tell you how my assignments are going. My 10,000 word dissertation is still in a bit of a mess, it’s dragging and I cannot wait to finish and submit it with my supervisors approval. My 6000 word special study piece is written, but I have no idea if it’s right. My lecturer will only read the first page of drafts and so, essentially, we’re all going in blind, which is terrifying but, again, I’m looking forward to submitting it as I kind of like this essay. My Theory and Global Literature Essays are still in planning. We haven’t really had a lot of information so far but I think I’ve managed to plan out two good essays, now I just have to write and edit them.

The problem is, all I can think about is all the other things I want to do when it’s over! Honestly, I’m ready to go on to new things. I’m looking forward to starting a new job and having a new role in my life, I’m looking forward to going and finding a new home for Ali and I and overwhelmingly I’m looking forward to picking up some of my hobbies again when my evenings aren’t filled with dusty books that I’m looking over for the 10th time to find a quote that matches. It’s confusing because it’s also making me question a lot of what I thought I’d do with my future, will I still want to do my Masters in September? Will I even want to do a PhD at all? I don’t need to answer those questions now but they’re tucked away.

I know that all of us who are slaving away over our final few weeks need to hear two things, ‘You can do this’ and ‘it’s all going to be ok’.  I’ve definitely noticed my family calling a little more to check on me at the moment and I’m grateful, I think I might sink into madness without someone outside the academic world to talk to and, you know, they’re my family so they’re willing to listen to me ranting on a bit.

So to end this post, (a post that I’m not sure makes total sense but it does in my tired, tired brain) talking to all of the fellow students I know who catch up with my blog. You can do this and it’s going to be ok. And that, ladies and gentleman will be my mantra for the next few months when all those exciting and terrifying changes are happening around me and I hope they’ll be yours too.

Hello you lovely lot! I hope everyone had a chilled Easter weekend, I did take a bit of time off from the blog to spend time with family and friends, including watching one of my oldest friends get drunk on his 23rd birthday last night. So I’ll hold my hands up and admit that this blog is a little late but I hope you can all forgive me.

Now, my Mum is a big kid, any and every holiday is a big deal so are birthdays and just any celebration. This year she warned us she might have gone a ‘little overboard’ on our annual easter egg hunt. Ali still finds it hilarious that at the age of 21 I’m still so competitive with my little sister. As well as the hunt we have a lot of family and get easter eggs from them too, so much chocolate and my will power is wavering.

In the end I got 8 eggs for easter, I have about 12 creme eggs around, various little bits and pieces, a Star Wars mini egg,big and small Kinder eggs, a Terrys Chocolate Orange, Mini Eggs, Oreo Eggs, Caramel egg and some Hello Panda Biscuits. Phew. Now, I could be a little piggy and eat them all to myself shouting ‘sod the diet’, but I’m not. I’ve shared some of it with Ali so far and plan to share more and I went back to the gym today and enjoyed it.

More than anything I think Easter is such a chilled holiday, I’m not religious at all so for my family it quite literally is chocolate day. I loved being at home and spending time with my family, I know these eggs are going to have to keep me motivated to finish all the assignments I have to get done before May 3rd. Being around them all certainly calmed me down a bit about everything I have to get done but now it’s over and I’m back to work!

I know that I’ve been very all over the place with my blogs, all of the social media. Life in general has been a bit all over the place with everything that’s going on, my body still getting itself set up after being poorly, having a nightmare Dissertation to finish, assignments piling up and trying to tackle work alongside it. So when my Mum offered to come back pick me up on Wednesday instead of me having to drive back, of course I said yes.

While I’m so pleased to be at home, I haven’t exactly had the most restful time. My first night I left my door open, thinking the cat could come in and out, maybe cuddle him a little. What I didn’t bank on was the dog (who isn’t small by the way) deciding she’d rather share a bed with me, cute. The only problem with that is that Lottie will start small, curled on the end of the bed like a little angel then spreads out. As well as that, the cat was running around and meowing for cuddles. Then the dog ate the cat food, the cat freaked out and when I looked up it was 4am. Not great.

The next night my door was firmly shut, Mum had the animals in with her, I was going to get a good night’s sleep, get up in the morning and go for breakfast. Yes. More like no. I spent most of the night clutching my head just wanting to sleep, woke up with the same headache before realising it was a migraine and remembering I’d forgotten my migraine tablets. Oh. I always get them through lack of sleep, it’s the one thing that is sure to give me a migraine and it leaves me on my ass.

Now I’ve only got tonight and tomorrow night at home and while I’m a bit irritated that I left my tablets and have been migrainey, I loved having my family around me, my crazy pets. If Ali and my Hammies were here too I’d just fully relax. Despite everything crazy that is going on around me I’m grateful that I’ve got at least some stability somewhere in the crazy. Hopefully the migraine will leave me to enjoy my final full day at home!

If you didn’t already know, today is World Poetry Day, so it seemed fitting to talk about a huge influence in my literary life. I’ve mentioned before that I’m writing about Plath’s work for my dissertation, but there’s something a lot more personal about her work that gets to me. I read The Bell Jar (one of my favourite novels ever) between the summer of first and second year and I just felt understood. The character of Esther just spoke to me and now, as a third year trying to work out what the hell I want to do with my life, it resonates even more. She also explains mental illness in a way that is just so true to me, to my experience. At the time she was writing that was incredibly brave and I’m incredibly sad that she never saw the extent of her popularity, she killed herself at the age of 30 after many attempts.

In second year I bought the full collection of her poetry, I knew she was the one I wanted to study a year before I had to choose. Everyone has an opinion on her, but not everyone understands what depression can do to creativity. I’ve had it before where I’ll say up and write and write and write because things need to come out of my head. Some of my best songs and angriest poems (that I haven’t shared) have come from an incredibly dark place. People say that Ariel was her greatest collection, and maybe it was but reading the collection was something else entirely. You can see the transition in her writing and she’s not afraid to say have she really feels, even if it’s not popular opinion.

She struggles between wanting to conform and her own thoughts and feelings. I can’t help but see the parallels in my own life, wanting to be a wife and mother but wanting a big career and feeling like that have to choose. Using poetry to get out my emotions and my darkest thoughts. Even in the really bad times I found poetry to help me through, just to get it on it paper. I like the dramatic nature of her readings, how she uses culture and the past. Ultimately though, through her novel and poems I feel like I’m not alone, I’m not the only girl who’s won awards, got scholarships and academic talent but has no clue what she’s doing after.

I have always, and will always, be grateful to Sylvia Plath for making me feel like I’m not alone in how I feel.