Endings and Motivation

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In 25 days I will have handed in every piece of my undergraduate degree and it will be over. Three years of my time, effort, tears, endurance will all be submitted for review, marking and then the terrifying final mark to determine what degree I get. Yesterday I completed the final presentation on my literature degree and while I won’t say that I’ll miss them (academic presentations drive me mad) it was strange to think that I won’t have to do this again. I’m not complaining.

It was also a time to be around the rest of my year, all of which have the same panics and anxieties as me. Dissertations need to be written, essay topics need to be finalised, research needs to still be done and most importantly we bonded over our lack of sleep. Despite all that I found myself this morning really lagging in motivation. I want it all over but at the same time I’ve sat down to write and nothing is coming. I’m hoping that going out with my sister tonight will take my mind off of things and that the Sunday – Tuesday block of work I’ve set myself will work and beat the motivational slump I’m faced with at the moment.

I’ve always wanted to be open on this blog and so I will tell you how my assignments are going. My 10,000 word dissertation is still in a bit of a mess, it’s dragging and I cannot wait to finish and submit it with my supervisors approval. My 6000 word special study piece is written, but I have no idea if it’s right. My lecturer will only read the first page of drafts and so, essentially, we’re all going in blind, which is terrifying but, again, I’m looking forward to submitting it as I kind of like this essay. My Theory and Global Literature Essays are still in planning. We haven’t really had a lot of information so far but I think I’ve managed to plan out two good essays, now I just have to write and edit them.

The problem is, all I can think about is all the other things I want to do when it’s over! Honestly, I’m ready to go on to new things. I’m looking forward to starting a new job and having a new role in my life, I’m looking forward to going and finding a new home for Ali and I and overwhelmingly I’m looking forward to picking up some of my hobbies again when my evenings aren’t filled with dusty books that I’m looking over for the 10th time to find a quote that matches. It’s confusing because it’s also making me question a lot of what I thought I’d do with my future, will I still want to do my Masters in September? Will I even want to do a PhD at all? I don’t need to answer those questions now but they’re tucked away.

I know that all of us who are slaving away over our final few weeks need to hear two things, ‘You can do this’ and ‘it’s all going to be ok’.  I’ve definitely noticed my family calling a little more to check on me at the moment and I’m grateful, I think I might sink into madness without someone outside the academic world to talk to and, you know, they’re my family so they’re willing to listen to me ranting on a bit.

So to end this post, (a post that I’m not sure makes total sense but it does in my tired, tired brain) talking to all of the fellow students I know who catch up with my blog. You can do this and it’s going to be ok. And that, ladies and gentleman will be my mantra for the next few months when all those exciting and terrifying changes are happening around me and I hope they’ll be yours too.

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