Tag: stress

Anxiety, I haven’t missed you.

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One swipe to my stomach, a blow to my head, anxiety is a bigger heavyweight than any boxer. In comparison the last few weeks have been blissful when I only have lows to think about, anxiety tries to eat me alive and makes my depression worse. It may shock you to find out that I’ve actually had a pretty good weekend with good company and a lot of productivity. I’ve finally got most of the vocals for the album recorded in the past two days  and I’ve been able to spend time with Ali and before that a great time with Joe.

I have so many good things to look forward to this week for my birthday and the next few weeks are all exciting but my anxious brain is starting to freak out. I’m starting to stress about if I’ve done enough reading over the summer, if I’ve done enough research, will I be ok with my classes? Will I get the first class degree I’ve dreamed about? Will my spine recover as it should? Will I be good enough to run the horse riding society? Will the band take off this year before Rhys has to go back to America at the end of the academic year? All these thoughts and panics are swirling around in my brain, triggered by one thing that I’m anxious about this week.

I’m hoping that it’ll start to go away after a good night’s sleep, sometimes that works. I think that my biggest fear is that I’ll be sick on my birthday the way I was on my sixteenth birthday. I had a panic attack at my party and couldn’t handle all the people being around me, a few days later I posed for pictures desperately wanting to feel ‘normal’ and relaxed rather than fighting a battle with myself. I’m not at that level but it’s something I’ll never forget. Logically, I know that my body is tired and I’ve been busy which is probably why I’m getting so anxious as well as being a little nervous about my third year.

I needed to get all of this out of my head and onto a page and, usually, I’m lucky enough to speak to people who have felt like this before. With Anxiety and Depression it’s nice to know that you’re not alone in how you feel and knowing that other people have good days and bad days too. Hopefully this will pass sooner rather than later and it’ll be a distant memory by my birthday at the end of the week.

Other people can make all the difference

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Today started off as a day of stress and anxiety and ended with that warm feeling with my belly (and no, that’s not the alcohol talking). People can change everything, they can make your day lousy but they can also make your day great, today has been the second option.

I woke up this morning pretty stressed, tired and in a fair bit of pain from my spine. I was dreading going to work, felt anxious about meeting and was dreading physio. It turns out only one of those was right. Work made my day, knowing I was part of a team that I really felt could make a difference. I realised that my role is important and I’m actually a respected member of staff, something I’ve never felt before. I spent today in meetings and talking to the rest of the team, I can finally be something of an expert in my field and I can finally start trying to make a difference with disabled students. If that doesn’t brighten someone’s day I don’t know what will.

Physio wasn’t that magical, it was painful, very painful. The problem with my kind of injury is that it take a long time to heal, a long time to come off medication and a lot of pain with no gain. After being told I’ve stopped ‘looking like a granny when I walk’ I suppose I should be grateful but I’ll be honest I was just pretty sore during and after and glad to treat myself to some books in the charity shop after.

This evening others did it again after being a grumpy little so and so after physio, Ali, Phil, Lizzie, Dan and Alex managed to put a smile on my face at the pub. I got slightly drunk and now I’m writing to you all (I’m sorry if there are missing words or just intoxicated sentences) in my little mermaid PJs after my back made me give in. Sometimes it’s days like today that make me realise I need others just as much to beat the feelings of anxiety.

❤

A quarter life crisis (five years early) – growing up, meltdowns and questions.

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Sometimes I am sure that I’m actually still a sixteen year old trapped in a twenty year olds body. It’s my annual crisis, you know the one I mean don’t you? The whole, what am I doing with my life, am I behind? Look at what my friends are doing while I’m stuck at home. Yup all that came today. I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, the pictures of people’s kids, engagement rings and weddings make me break out into a cold sweat, I don’t feel ready for this stuff!

I get so worried about what I should be doing that I freak out. Never mind the fact that I’m not keen on having a small person around right now, would probably burst out laughing if I got proposed to and am too broke/ addicted to expensive things to get married. Yup, that pile of books get in my amazon cart, a sale on handbags well it would be rude not to look and as for Topshop? Well I’m like a bloody magpie.

So I sat this afternoon, like many hormonal girls before me, in my PJs, my hair atrocious with chocolate in one hand and a coming of age book in the other (book of choice this time Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman) sobbing my little heart out. I had a bit of a fit at Ali, locked myself in the bedroom and let it all out. I cried because I don’t feel like a grown up, I have no idea whatsoever about grown up things like marriage and mortgages and I don’t have a life plan. Yup, yup, yup feeling sorry for myself and a little bit of self indulgence.

I get told that it’s perfectly normal to have days where you completely lose your shit and feel like a child again. There are days when I want to crawl up into my Mum’s lap and let her tell me it’s going to be ok. Well, nowadays I have to settle with cuddling up to Ali while he does the same thing and assures me that doing badly on that one assignment will not balls up my entire life or a phone call to my Mum about what job I’m going to go into.

You can probably guess that I’ve calmed down now, had some good old comfort food and vented to my Mum. I guess I’m writing because it should be something we can talk to each other about, all us 20 somethings who really feel like everyone else has their shit together and you’re clutching at straws. So I’m allowed to feel a little lost and scared that two of my best friends are moving across the world and another is getting a real proper job with proper (not student loan) money. I’m allowed to get a little freaked out that it’s my last year of undergrad and the next few years are going to be grown up and scary because, well, that’s what you’re 20s are for right?

So I’m sorry to everyone who’s waiting for any big announcements from me, I’m still in Little Mermaid Pjs (thank you Primark) and working out how to be a woman in the first place. Basically, I’m just being a 20 year old student who doesn’t have a clue.

Trusting yourself, and why it’s so important.

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Now like many of you reading I have a very british sense when believing in myself. You know what I mean that, umm, err, well maybe I’m right, oh maybe I should just ask someone else.We’re not like the American’s it’s a new thing for us to shout about our accomplishments and being our own cheerleaders. So you can imagine me, only a week in to one of the biggest/most important jobs I’ve had in my life. I’ve taken over something and I’m managing it myself, queue panic, self doubt and breathlessness.

Yesterday I was plodding through emails and working from home. All of a sudden I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t understand some of the things being asked of me and felt like something was off. I tried to work around it but ended up emailing my boss and asking if she could go through it with me, if it was no bother of course (see there you go that English politeness again).

So today, as promised, she went through it with me. It turns out that the gut instinct was right, I should have trusted myself and not been stressed. It reminded me that sometimes kicking that politeness in the butt might be better. This was again  highlighted when she said I was doing a good job and I’ll get it,eventually.

Why am I writing this? Not because I felt like a diary entry (which some people have tried telling me this blog is), because I think that every now and again we all need reminding to trust ourselves. Yes you, reading right now, trust yourself because you’re a lot more clued up than you think.

Me time

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It’s no secret that most of the people around me know that I don’t relax. To me, being asleep is relaxing. If I’m feeling normal or on an excitable high I have to be doing something all the time. I work or write or sing or clean or read, I have to find something or I get bored quickly. I have, lately, gotten better at just doing things for me lately. I don’t know if it’s feeling settled and in control of my uni stuff or just after having a break at christmas but I can to an extent just sit back.

Don’t get me wrong I love my studies, some subjects are so interesting I could read and research all day being definitely keeno as Eleanor puts it. Over the last week or two though I’ve sat down and watched a film or read something just for me, thought about blogging more or tried to get some more lyrics finished. I’m still doing something but I’m doing it for me, rather than someone else. I’m not getting as caught up on work either, actually making sure I don’t spend the whole week working non stop, instead I go horse riding Wednesdays and I might work another day or two depending on what jobs are around and if I need the money.

It seems silly but I’m a little bit proud of myself for this, I’m a workaholic and I know I am. If I like what I’m doing I won’t stop, I’ll keep going and going and going until I crash. That’s the only downside to loving my job, degree and of course my music, I will sit for hours and not sleep as much as I should. So slowly I’m learning that me time is important too, even if it’s just one afternoon or evening and the assignments that are months away are not worth me stressing about.

Friday escape!!

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Around the studio starting to relax 

The studio is proving to be tiring and relaxing at the same time. Today has just been stressful and I couldn’t wait to be with the boys and forget everything that was worrying me. It’s late but the mics are in place, drums set up, Dan’s girlfriend Sophie is here and Ali fell asleep at 10. I’m really hoping the next few days can make me focus and not worry about assignments, housing and all that! Here’s to a good weekend! 

Everything needs to slow down!

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Everthing is going so fast. There are so many things that I need to do or say or think about at the moment and overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now. I’ve been tried since Sunday and I’m trying really hard to be positive but little things are knocking me at the moment. Today hasn’t been out of the ordinary waking up, shower, lecture, mental health mentoring appointment again after feeling naff. The problem is there are so many things that are stressing me out at the moment it’s not the simple case of sitting down and working through a problem logically.

You all know I’m a fan of lists so here is one of all the things that are going on now first year is ending

-Assignments

-Presentations

-Awards Show

-Starting a new job

-Lack of sleep

-Finding somewhere to live

-Missing my family

-Getting the band ready for a big announcement

-Scholarship worries

-Driving worrys (still haven’t passed)

– Rude People and people expecting too much

No one said uni was easy, I don’t think I’d like it as much if it was but with everything that could possibly be going on happening at the moment I think I’m allowed to be a little stressed at the moment. I feel like a giant clock is sitting above my head and every tick makes me a little more stressed. Should I be stressed? No probably not work wise, I’ve done 90% of it, it’s just one module that I care a lot about which has me stressed and worried even though I’m told I shouldn’t be.

So what did I do to calm down enough to sit down and write this you ask? I spoke to my mental health mentor, made a few calls to get on top of things and I took some me time and not in a way I noramlly would. I went into my kitchen, leaving my phone in my room, and I started to cook. I wasn’t cooking to eat any of it, I just prepared meals for the next week to be frozen and it actually made me eat. It ended up being a kind of therapy I was so focused on cooking I cheered up, I felt on top of things again. Then I just curled up and watched a film while putting some finishing touches to my essay.

Like everyone else, sometimes I need things to slow down, I need to slow down. It’s harder because with my anxiety my mind is racing constantly, it doesn’t stop and then when the depression takes hold of this I start thinking of the worst thing that could happen. I’m getting better at recognising what I need and apparently cooking is something that can help…news to me! Either way I’m working on it, I hate sounding negative but sometimes I just can’t help it. Recording tomorrow..let’s see if that works!

Aaaaaaand Relax

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I’m writing this to you from my lovely kitchen table, no not the one that hasn’t been cleaned for a week, I’m finally at home. It was a pretty last minute decision to actually come back. I’d been feeling a little off all week and Ali had assignments to do this weekend, so I decided I might as well come and see the family. I can already see what a difference it has made, I’ve relaxed, I don’t care what I look like and it’s nice just being around my family. 

Today was a little stressful, deadlines are fast approaching and they’re all due in the same 2 weeks I think. It’s pretty nerve wracking when my scholarship now depends on how well I do. The worst part? I have to do a group presentation, something which makes me feel sick. I get nervous around people I don’t know, who don’t understand why I get stressed. I’m also a little hurt that some people who I thought would want to work with me already grouped up and forgot about me but I have high hopes for my group. 

So when I got back I was tired and more than stressed but in a few hours it’s all kinda melted, I managed a few essay plans and I’m bound to get some reading done (after thankfully avoiding a party night at halls I’ve been told). I’m hoping that after a few days at home I wont be as anxious and I can just get on and get things done! 

The stresses of being a productive person

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Sometimes I really wish I was a lazy person. I wish I was someone who could have spend all day cured up watching films and generally not caring about the thing I had to do today but no, that’s not me. I got up earlier than I need to went food shopping, done my reading, made lunch, phoned people, read some more, finished an assignment. The truth is I don’t really relax I keep going and going, my mind has to be active or I get bored and frustrated. 

The majority of this is just what I’m like when I get stressed r have a lot to do, another part is my anxiety. I make myself carry on no matter how tired I am or if I’ve eaten. As you can guess it doesn’t do me any good and sometimes Ali or my Mum intervenes and makes me take a nap or listen to some music or read a book simply because I enjoy it. I want to be able to calm myself the hell down! It might be something I can work on this week, trying to relax. I don’t mean that I don’t have things to do but in the evenings I might just try and curl up with a good book, something I started yesterday. Other than buzzing around all day there’s nothing really to report, life’s the same as it was yesterday. I’m looking forward to a new week after the last one, stress doesn’t even cover it! 

Teaching in 2014

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Today was my last day off before I work non stop until the 27th so I didn’t plan to do a lot. Coming home has made my life even more boring and I’m really aware that I could be boring you all. So thankfully today I got some great news! After waiting and worrying I got the email today to say that I got the job! I’m going to be teaching in a local school in the Summer and earning while getting the experience. 

A lot of people asked me if I want to be a teacher when I told them about applying for this job. The truth is that I don’t know what I want to do when I leave uni, I have no idea. So I might as well give everything a shot in the next 3 years and I might just find out. This is just one of the opportunities I’ve been working on. I’ve applied for internships and I have  my eye on a few more ways to work with the university. It’s true what they say about getting the most out of uni, you can do it. So I’m not going to spend my whole summer in bed, I’m planning on actually getting out there and doing things. 

Here’s hoping 2014 is going to be amazing.