One swipe to my stomach, a blow to my head, anxiety is a bigger heavyweight than any boxer. In comparison the last few weeks have been blissful when I only have lows to think about, anxiety tries to eat me alive and makes my depression worse. It may shock you to find out that I’ve actually had a pretty good weekend with good company and a lot of productivity. I’ve finally got most of the vocals for the album recorded in the past two days and I’ve been able to spend time with Ali and before that a great time with Joe.
I have so many good things to look forward to this week for my birthday and the next few weeks are all exciting but my anxious brain is starting to freak out. I’m starting to stress about if I’ve done enough reading over the summer, if I’ve done enough research, will I be ok with my classes? Will I get the first class degree I’ve dreamed about? Will my spine recover as it should? Will I be good enough to run the horse riding society? Will the band take off this year before Rhys has to go back to America at the end of the academic year? All these thoughts and panics are swirling around in my brain, triggered by one thing that I’m anxious about this week.
I’m hoping that it’ll start to go away after a good night’s sleep, sometimes that works. I think that my biggest fear is that I’ll be sick on my birthday the way I was on my sixteenth birthday. I had a panic attack at my party and couldn’t handle all the people being around me, a few days later I posed for pictures desperately wanting to feel ‘normal’ and relaxed rather than fighting a battle with myself. I’m not at that level but it’s something I’ll never forget. Logically, I know that my body is tired and I’ve been busy which is probably why I’m getting so anxious as well as being a little nervous about my third year.
I needed to get all of this out of my head and onto a page and, usually, I’m lucky enough to speak to people who have felt like this before. With Anxiety and Depression it’s nice to know that you’re not alone in how you feel and knowing that other people have good days and bad days too. Hopefully this will pass sooner rather than later and it’ll be a distant memory by my birthday at the end of the week.