Tag: Mental Health

Alone time

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Last year I spent so much time alone. In halls I could go three days sometimes without seeing anyone, not even my flat mates, I’d cocoon in my room and sleep, study and watch TV and if I felt like eating (which when I felt like this wasn’t often) I’d eat at strange times sometimes cooking late at night because my sleeping pattern was all kinds of messed up. I didn’t like it, I felt miserable, alone and would often just sleep for something to do.

It was a surprise to me this year that I am so busy that I hardly have time to be alone. I live with Ali now and we share a room and even when I’m having an off day he manages to persuade me to go outside, be around people. It’s one of the many things I talk to my mentor about, she says that she always tries to get people with depression to go outside and be around people, one of the worst things for depression is being isolated. I didn’t realise until the other day that last year I worried my Mum, she knew I wasn’t doing as well as I said I was and apparently got quite worried that the only times I was going out of my room was to see Ali or the boys. I didn’t feel that it was a problem then but now I can see that I wasn’t very well last year.

And so today came, after pretty much seeing people every day for about 3 weeks straight I felt a bit overwhelmed, I needed a breather. Tuesday’s are one of my days off uni and so I used today as my ‘recovery’ day as my mentor and I call them. I thought that to get over this I need to keep going, going,going but actually I need rest too. Some things that are easy for people without a mental health condition, like having a group of close girl friends, takes a lot of energy for me, I’ve been out of the loop of those kinds of friendships since I was about 14/15 and being ‘a girl’ worries me sometimes. The girls are incredible about it though, which helps,

So I spent today on my own and it was actually kind of nice, I got stuff done, cleaned and put music on when it all got a little bit too quiet. Many people won’t understand this, hey it’s just being alone! This is all a part of me getting better though and learning new things.

Right now I kind of like the peace and quiet of being alone.

On the inside

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It’s been a while since I’ve written about mental health, one of the many reasons I started this blog. I haven’t really had much to complain about lately, a job I love, a course I love, friends, my boyfriend and everything else I’ve been writing to you all about. Sometimes you can get swept up in all the good things and get a little over confident, something I’ve dealt with a few times in my life.

I spoke to a friend tonight who thankfully understands this, she’s one of the nicest people I know and also deals with mental health on a daily basis. It was a relief to talk to someone who understands. So much is going right in my life that people don’t understand that the depression doesn’t just go away, if only it was that easy. I’m dealing with a lot of new things and although everything is great sometimes I’m still sad. There are times where it’s for no reason what so ever I get ill, I’m angry ,irritable and teary. I got overwhelmed at a work training session today, it was lovely to see everyone but it just felt too much.

Sometimes I get angry with myself over this, especially when it influences other people, Ali in particular. It isn’t his fault I’ve had a long day and I’m tired and irritable but I unleash this monster, stomp around and I’m not very pleasant to be around. It takes a special kind of person to willingly live with a person with a mental health problem especially when things can change so rapidly.

I’m ok I can promise that but sometimes no matter how well everything is going I have dips, it’s only natural.

One step at a time

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Phil, Ben, Alyssa and Laura 

I’m back! After a few days of quiet and thinking I took to getting out there again. Thursday’s post Outside meant opening up about something I hadn’t been comfortable with. It has been an up and down weekend which has been really frustrating. I want to be out, be happy and not have to think of worry but that’s not always the way this works. 

I met up with my mentor and talked through things that I needed to and started trying to put together a plan with the idea of taking everything one step at a time. This month has been hectic and has had so many changes it’s not surprising I’ve been feeling up and down. Now I’m focused on getting through it all with the support of my friends, family and of course Ali. 

Tonight I was a little worried about going to the pub it went from just being me, Ali and Ben to a whole big group of people. I felt a little anxious, would I be ok? Would the pub be ok? I went and had an absolute blast! I knew the others from Kingston Hill and got to know some of the people on Ali’s course better. They’re really great people and we had so much fun! I can see a lot of nights out in the future with Dan and Rhys’ housemates and a lot of visits too! 

I’m proving to myself that just one step at a time, taking it day by day I can get better, I will get better. I’m feeling hopeful.

Recovery

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The last two days have seen huge steps for me and have opened my eyes. I’ve thought a lot about recovery from mental health today and I’ve realised that we don’t put a big emphasis on how well people do. I have a lot of friends who are doing great things that make me proud of them it could be something small like taking a walk to make themselves feel better or something huge like  quitting self harming or opening up about their illness. Mental Health is a really personal thing and today I was able to face something huge, one of my biggest triggers.

I had a disagreement recently about my school days, although not always said in the best of ways the message was clear it needs to be a part of my past, not who I am now. So I’m rephrasing that my school days were a big part of me and I don’t want to give them the credit for making me who I am. I battled through and came through the other side. It’s strange but I usually forget that people don’t know here and when I say something people are really shocked, I’m not. Which I suppose means I can’t get mad at the people who saw it happen for not making a big deal out of it, because they’ve seen me so much better and that’s how they chose to think of me. I don’t want to go into huge details about some of the things that attributed to my depression and anxiety but the basic facts are: bullied from the age of 11 on and off, mental and physical, was very ill from the ages of 15-18.

Bank holiday Monday (for my American readers it’s a public holiday…but no one celebrates), I found myself walking into my old secondary school, a huge trigger for me. My chest started to get tight but I kept walking, I was ok then while my Mum queued to get my sisters uniform for the new year I went back to the car. It was here I started to panic, it was as if I could see bad memories…like they were ghosts. I felt sick and just wanted to escape into my iPod (my main coping mechanism at school was blocking the world out with music) Then something incredible happened, the power of my own mind started owning those memories. I started thinking about the good things that happened, I pictured memories I had with Ali at school (after all I never would have met him if I’d never gone), the few friends I had and it started to work.

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The main building

It sounds silly but I looked out the window, sat up straight and said ‘it’s just a building, the building can’t hurt me’. This thing of logical thinking about the past experiences I’ve had is new to me. I was able to stop myself before I got too bad and that’s the best feeling! I did it!

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Just after my 16th birthday, I remember being really poorly when this was taken

Recovery is something that can take a long time and takes different paths for different people. I have weekly sessions and will soon have a plan with goals. Other friends I know have a therapy called CBT, some having medication and others are on a longer plan. My twitter followers have their own ways of coping. When I was at school (above) I really didn’t deal with it well, I wasn’t coping and I’ll admit that openly. I don’t think I started dealing with it until I started uni and had the right medical support.

It doesn’t matter how long it takes, although I’ll be honest I don’t always feel like that. I do want to be ‘normal’ and not have meetings, appointments and doctors appointments but I suppose it’s just a different kind of normal. Just like some people’s normal is shopping for new clothes when they’re recovering from any illness or for other people it’s taking certain things out of their life. Every one is different so rightfully everyone’s illness and therefore recovery will be different.

I want to say: celebrate your recovery, don’t feel ashamed of bad days and good luck.

Chloe 🙂

Getting ready for the year of the twenty something.

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In a few short hours I will end the last month of my teenage years and then in a few weeks embrace the title of 20 something for the next decade… Ask me a few months ago and I would have told you I am point blank refusing to enter my twenties, I will have my 18th birthday again and never grow up. Now it’s a different story. This month has been an odd one but I feel like it’s changed me so much already. It’s no secret that my teenage years were pretty rough, school was hell and it was in my teens that I experienced some of my deepest lows, a place I never want to go again. Now I’ve been able to put that behind me, it feels so freeing. My god I sound like a hippy. I’m still your straight up rock chick, the amount of Jack Daniels I managed to knock back last night pretty much certifies that, as does the long list of tickets that I’ve already bought for this year…oops. So I’ve written a list about some of the things I’m most proud of, this is only the start. 

 

Moving in with Ali wasn’t the only thing to change me, but it’s helped. It’s nice having someone to share dinner with and waking up next to him in the morning, it’s nice to know that when I go back to uni I’ll come back to smiles rather than my little room in halls. If I’m on a low it’s generally easier to handle, not all the time though (I’m still working that part out). I feel so happy and content and this is something I’ve waited for. We’ve made the right decision now this is our first little home together 🙂 

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I’m going out with friends Freshers was a bit tough for me, I wasn’t in the right mindset with all the changes to go out and party and I didn’t know what I wanted. I’ve been to club night twice now and had a girls night in London, something I wondered if I’d ever actually do. After my night out with Jen last night I’m planning another, this is a BIG deal for me and I’m really proud of myself for being able to do it and not letting my illness get the better of me. 🙂

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Jen and I last night on her 19th Birthday 

 

 

Sorting out my mental health  I’m going back to mentoring tomorrow after having to leave because I only get a certain amount of funding for each year. Honestly I’ve struggled this summer for a lot of different reasons. Ali and my Mum have helped a lot but it was hard being away from friends I’d made, missing the life I’m used to in Kingston. I want to focus this year on my strategies for lows. I know they may never completely go but at least with some help they’ll be more manageable. 

I love my job I’m in a job that I love. Student Ambassador doesn’t sound gruelling but it gives me so many opportunities. I got out and talk to kids who remind me of myself, I share my love for my uni and my subject. Now I get to write professionally, be a content editor and help with the media and marketing stuff. I learnt so much by just being in the office for a week and it’s cemented my passion for digital media. I love my job so much and after having more than one that I didn’t enjoy growing up it’s so refreshing to feel good at what I do! 

 

I don’t feel under pressure by the future. Who says when I should and shouldn’t do something? I’m not in a normal relationship, I’ve spent over a quarter of my life with Ali and I’m only 19. We’re not getting married any time soon because we both want to have careers, which we’re both getting on with. I’m going for internships  and continuing to write (work experience in now 100% confirmed for April 2015!!!!) and he’s getting work experience in his field as well as both of us throwing ourselves into the band. I’d be lying if I felt completely free, a lot of people I know are getting married and having children or have their ideal engagement rings in their head…I don’t think about all that too much. The only thing, which is slightly pressured is having children but that’s biological. Ali and I are happy and well, I think we’ve done one of the hardest bits by living together, now we’re just going to plod along and see what happens after we graduate. 

In short I’m ready to say goodbye to my teenage years and hello to my twenties. That said I will not be stopping eating Turkey Dinosaurs, ice lollies or raiding the sweet shop…ever. 

I am not ashamed.

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Today I had to do something I’ve never had the courage to do. I was honestly with an employer about my mental health. I stood up for making myself feel better and I’m hoping I’ve made the right choice. I’ve left my job on the hotline because it wasn’t right for me and honestly it was too much. I’ve got some other things going on helping out in a different department that won’t be so emotionally stressful on me. 

I am not ashamed of who I am. I have an illness that can be medically treated and I’m registered with that illness. Just because it is in my head does not mean I should lie or cover up about it, although I’ve been guilty in the past of doing this. Mental illness is something that many people don’t understand and many people don’t know how to handle it. I was very well treated when I explained to my boss and he was very good about it and said feel free to re apply for the position when I felt better and in a place to deal with the emotional demands. 

I wanted to share a success story because there aren’t many. I don’t know how much I’ll talk about my illness when I go into full time work in a few years and it’s true it does depends on who and where you work as to how you are treated. I am not embarrassed and not ashamed because although I have an awful time I can still bring things to a company, sometimes that others won’t have thought of. 

I am me and I am not ashamed.

Back again, for the last time

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Technically this is the last term of my first year, although obviously teach ended weeks ago. I took the opportunity to go food shopping as Mum was giving me a lift back, there’s nothing I hate more than lugging bags of food back from Sainsbury’s in the rain! So we packed up the car, boot full and headed back. 

I must admit I’ve been nervous all day about coming back. I like listening to the noise in my house, I like having people I’m comfortable around, I like having the option of being around people. You don’t get that here. Well I’m sure you do in some flats but I find mine quite a lonely place and I don’t like sitting here with nothing to do. Surprisingly though, after a little wobble earlier I’m okay. I feel ok and kind of focused, I have deadlines, a job and a new flat to work out so it’ll be keep me busy. 

One thing making me nervous though is my mental health support team. I think I’m almost out of ‘alloted hours’ and I could be refused more. The problem is these don’t change with the circumstances of my condition. If I’m feeling awful and in need of help I can apply for more hours, but there is no certainty that it will be granted. I like my mentor a lot, she helps me work through things when I’m really anxious and cutting that off when I still have another 2 months of halls to live in doesn’t make me feel good. I’ll put in the application and fight if it gets denied but this is the problem with MH. We’re constantly told ‘lack of funding’ lack of this, lack of that. It’s taken me 5 years to get help at all, like hell am I letting it go now. 

So in two months time it will be goodbye to Seething Wells and hello to the new flat. I’m excited and nervous and just about everything. I’m hoping this will be really good for me, I wont be forced to be alone any more if I’m feeling down! 

So here it goes, one more term…. 

Getting ready to head back.

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While many of us are getting excited about seeing friends again, the miracle of Student Loan and being able to order pizza at 3am there is one thing that stands in our way. Packing. As many of my regular readers will know my anxiety has been peeking for the last week or so, the thought of going back to halls of residence hasn’t filled me with much joy. If anything it’s made the whole issue of going back to uni worse. 

The problem is that when I’m stressed my mind goes into overdrive. I can’t sit still and I begin to get anxious and panic and then I start to have an anxiety/panic attack. I turn into someone I don’t recognise and say things I don’t mean. I do my best to avoid stress and put things in place so that if I’d under a lot of pressure I can deal with it but sometimes, like today, there isn’t a lot I can do. The reason for all this stress? Packing and going back to being alone in my flat. While I’ve made plans for in the week tomorrow night is going to be pretty tough and I know that. I’m hoping that the box of chocolates I have left over from Christmas might make it a little bit better. 

I’m hoping that once the worst is over I can try and see things in a more positive light. I have a wonderful boyfriend, some brilliant friends and a band that I’m going to be proud of. There is also talk of finding me some alternative housing in the next month and I’m realising that’s ok. I gave Seething Wells a really good try but when my health is involved I need to seriously consider what to do about it. So I might be writing to you guys again about packing for a move once again! We’ll see. 

Right now I’m going to catch up on publishing a few other posts I’ve missed and have my last night in a quiet room for a change! 

Take the next exit out of my brain

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I’ve realised that I need to be honest in my blog, it may not always be interesting but I did say I would be brutally honest about my experience as a fresher. For the first time in my life the university has taken an interest in my mental health and sometimes I think it makes certain people feel better that they are helping someone with a condition. Don’t get me wrong I am really grateful that people are there to help me and support me if I need it but sometimes it just doesn’t work.

The last 4 years of my life have been spent with depression (diagnosed or not) and so now I’m pretty used to it. I’ve gone from the past 4 years of people in education seeing me as a problem and people around me not really knowing how to help. As for the doctors? I can think of a few who should re take whatever classes they had on depression in teenagers. It took six different doctors to get a diagnosis for depression and anxiety because I was a teenager and it all had to do with my moods. Bull shit did it. It took so long because my medical notes were selective.

I don’t know if she’ll ever read it but I’ll say here and now my mother is a saint. It’s because of her and Ali that I didn’t completely lose my head. While my head is clear I can remember the countless times she took me to doctors to explain what the bullying was doing to me physically as well as mentally. It’s because of my mum that I’m not more screwed up, because she knew when I needed time. She knew when going to school wasn’t an option because I couldn’t cope any more. For 19 years my mum has been my own personal soldier and she’s damn good at it. She might have had the schools trying to avoid her but she never gave up on making sure I was ok. She knew which doctors to take me to so they would try and intervene with the school (at one point I had well over a month off because of stress…I now think that was my anxiety.

The reason I write about my mum is because she was one of the very few people who doesn’t ask a million questions that all start with why. I’ve started reading Michael Thomas Ford’s Suicide Notes and it’s a character I can identify with. Not because I’ve ever tried to kill myself, because he hates being questioned. I’ve been given a mental health advisor and a mental health mentor and boy oh boy do they love asking how I feel and why. Sometimes I just want to shout because I do, leave me alone and I might work it out.

I’ve had various mentors, councillors, people who have been assigned to work with me ‘through my problems’ and they all either try and blame my ‘issues’ on my relationship with Ali or they try and ‘fix’ me. Both of these just piss me off on a daily basis/whenever I have to talk to them. I’m quite lucky with my advisor, he doesn’t question me, he knows I just like getting things done and out of the way. My mentor on the other hand wanted to touch on my relationship a few weeks back and that just isn’t happening. It’s not because of her, she’s lovely and very respectful it’s because of my past councillors. They all try and ‘understand’ me and then try blaming my relationship. Why do I share my boyfriends friends?, Why do I spent so much time with him?, Why am I sure we will stay together blah blah blah. In the past they’ve all tried to psychoanalyse me and pin my ‘issues’ on something. Never mind the bullying that lasted more of my teenage life and a fair bit of my childhood, it has to be the boyfriend. One of the idiot ones said we had a ‘parent-child relationship’ when I showed her a picture to make me feel less nervous. Needless to say I never went back.

Whenever people hear who have or have had a mental illness they want to analyse you. Your brain is the great attraction and they’ve all be waiting to have a look around. Here’s the secret, you take a left, then a right and get the fuck out of my brain. I guess if I’m making this post useful I have one thing to say to others who are reading. If you ever find yourself in a session and you don’t want to reply or they’re starting the brain tour then just remember you’re in control. It’s your mind, don’t let anyone put words in your mouth.

A productive day…or so I thought!

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Today  I have been very pleased with myself. I got up with time to spare and ended up making it to uni half an hour early to attend my mental health meeting. To put it bluntly I don’t like the meetings at all, the bore and irritate me and I don’t feel like anything gets achieved. I tried to stay positive and got it over and done with despite some really disappointing news.

Onwards and upwards they usually say so I continued, got myself a Starbucks and a cake and carried on in the library getting quite a lot of work done (the silent area is incredible when you have a lot to do) before meeting my friend Joe. I set off into town to try  and get Ali’s birthday present sorted, however I now have to go back to Basingstoke for this!!! I was still quite happy about this when I got the bus home and was given a lovely dinner by my flatmate (he felt sorry for my god damn awful cooking last night… don’t even ask!). It wasn’t until it hit me what this mental health meeting had done did I start to get angry. I don’t want to go into too much detail in regards to other but I’ve been having some difficulties at uni lately and after talking to the right people I now have to relay everything again to more important people and I really don’t feel comfortable with it. So now instead of the happy Chloe I’ve been for the last few days I’m stressed,tired and anxious. 

I’m desperately hoping tomorrow will be better and I’ll have a good day but right now I think it’s time for bed.