Tag: life

Lessons I’ve Learnt From Quitting My Job

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Last week I did something I didn’t think I would do, I left my first job as a graduate after 5 months. I never intended to get a job that I would leave so early. There’s a magnitude of reasons why I felt it was the right time to go, some personal and some professional. While I know I’m going to miss the people that I was working with (because let’s face it, they are amazing) I needed to do this for me.

Putting myself first

I knew for a while that I wasn’t 100% happy in the role and what I was doing, and that wasn’t anyone’s fault. I wrestled with myself, but people liked me if I left they’d be upset. What would the company do? Would they be mad? Will I be able to even get another job? Will this wreck my savings to move out? I slept badly and was really stressed for weeks. For once I decided to do what I hardly ever do. I put myself first. I needed to think of myself, my career and my personal life, because at 22 I deserve to try new things. I’d never thought of it that way.

Accepting that not everything works out

I always give 110% to everything I do, and work was no different. I thought I had found a job that I’d love for years and stay there. This was simply something that didn’t work, for me this time. I walked around for a long time feeling ashamed and stupid. Then, after talking to a lot of different people, I realised that I can’t control everything and trying new things makes us grow. I’ve always been the kind of person who will half kill themselves trying to get something to work, this is only the second time I’ve done this and I feel a lot better.

Realising that I am in control of my own life 

I realised that I could change my life. I wasn’t 100% at what I was doing, so I changed it. I sent out a few CVs and had a lot of calls back. I didn’t have a clue that would happen, I didn’t have the confidence in myself but even though this was a hard part of my life and a huge decision it taught me that I am in control. I can make my life what I want it to be.

Growing Up and Letting Go

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I didn’t know a year ago that such a large part of growing up meant letting go and, sometimes, walking away. In the past year, I’ve learnt more about those things than I have in my entire life. I’ve had to let one of my precious girls go for her sake, I’ve walked away from friendships that I didn’t feel were working and I’ve had to let go of who I thought I was while trying to work out who I think I am. I might sound like a clichèd 20 something, ‘ I don’t know who I am’, but I really don’t. There’s the person I thought I was at university, there’s the person I am after leaving. I’ve had to let go of a sport I lived for, something which I never thought would happen and breaks my heart more than I’d like to admit. Growing up is full of changes and evolution

Growing up is full of changes and evolution. I guess it’s how we learn and all adds up to the person we’re supposed to be, but that doesn’t make it any less exhausting or any easier. The amount of time I’ve spent just wondering ‘what do I want to do?’ because that has certainly changed since I graduated. People say that being young is easy but this is certainly the most confusing time in my life, even more confusing than when I was a teenager. Theses ideas of what you should be doing, thinking etc compared with what you want to do.

I don’t have a grand plan when I write these things, maybe I should, who knows. I just get it all out on a page, because I do know I’m not the only one who feels this way. We’re all young and confused and that won’t change for the generations to come, to quote one of my favourite bands ’22 is like the worst idea that I have ever had, it’s too much pain, too much freedom what should I do with this?’ Hell if I know.

Feminist Friday: We All Need to Stand Up to Sexual Assualt

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you can’t have failed to have heard about that tape. The tape that Donald Trump dismissed as ‘locker room talk’ after shouting louder, but Bill Clinton did worse! As if the allegations against another man seemingly made his disappear and as more allegations against Trump come forward he deems his accusers ‘horrible women’, despite the fact he has been caught on camera many times, are not important. I don’t understand how this person could potentially be a leader of one of the most powerful nations in the world. After one of his comments, one girl decided she wasn’t going to take his comments lightly.
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Courtesy of Twitter/@LMcCrystal
With his words and follow up Trump has tried to normalise sexual assault, calling it ‘locker room talk’. That has offended both men and women, who know that this isn’t the case. These comments are the type of things that lead to women being told to ‘lighten up’ or that ‘boys will be boys’, something that I’ve been at the centre of. I’ve had guys try and touch me when I’m out, who won’t take no for an answer and follow me around. I’ve had guys get aggressive or call me a ‘slut’ or a ‘whore’ or had lies spread about me because I’d turned them down and because they could. Because no one would question them. I’ve been in clubs and had a guy feel me up without permission and felt powerless as they’ve carried on watching after I’d shouted at them. People I’d been out with told me to ‘cool it’ and that it’s just the way it is.
The way these things are ignored and laughed off are not ok. Sexual assault is serious, because if people think they’re going to get away with it, they believe they can get away with more. This happens to both women and men, how can we start to crack down on this? How can we work on educating young people that this isn’t the norm when people in the public eye make comments like this. We need to keep talking about sexual assault. We need to stand up to the lies that this is just a part of life, because it’s not.

Living with Chronic Pain

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For the past year and a half I’ve been living with moderate to severe back pain. By definition this now means that I’m living with chronic pain, there’s no break from it, no rest , it’s just a constant part of my life. Living with chronic pain is not something that anyone chooses, in my case, it was because of an injury. We’re still not sure about the damage, I’m booked in to see another specialist and have another MRI scheduled.

I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again, it’s all about good days and bad days, as many illnesses are. On a good day, I might be able to do a light workout, walk around and the pain is just background noise. On a bad day, it’s like someone is hammering on my spine, the smallest things will hurt and climbing stairs can feel like Everest and when it’s at its worst I can’t feel much in one leg. I might have to take a crutch when I go to an event. I take my medication but it doesn’t even skim the surface, to say that it’s frustrating is an understatement.

But what’s it like to live with chronic pain? Well, it’s definitely not fun, but I’m always aware that my injury could have been much worse. I’m walking, when I was incredibly close to losing that all together. So I’m always aware of that but living with chronic pain means a lot of doctors appointments, a lot of tiring discussion, repeating yourself, physio and medication change after medication change. It’s not pretty, but for a lot of us, it’s just life.

Some people might not understand why I’m broadcasting this, why I’m letting myself possibly look weak. I don’t think that’s it though. I don’t think anyone who keeps fighting is weak and that’s what people with chronic pain do. We go to work, we live our lives the best we can, we just get on with it and that’s the simple truth of living with a chronic illness. Even when the pain is the worst it can be we carry on as best we can. That is what living with chronic pains is like.

Trying to Deal With Depression

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While on the phone with my Mum today I realised that for the past few months I’ve been fairly ok with the changes that have been happening, the breakdown of some friendships, etc. I’ve coped fairly well and while there have been lows, there hadn’t been incredibly bad ones over the summer, but unfortunately things seem to have come to a head lately.

To say that I’m exhausted is an understatement, I don’t know whether it’s a combination of work and just being busy or if part of it is the depression rearing its ugly head. People think that most of it is because of losing Noodle a few days ago, that is an absolutely huge part and it’s not something I can get get over and forget. There is more though, it’s hard to explain that grief and depression feel different. The depression is always there, it bubbles under the surface and then unleashes itself sometimes for days or weeks at a time.

I read an article about what people with high functioning depression want others to know, and it spoke to me. People think that because I have a lovely boyfriend, a good job, a degree and all that jazz that I should be happy. People almost get offended sometimes when you’re not happy. I wish there was a switch in my brain that meant I didn’t struggle. It doesn’t matter that I love my job and the people I work with, there are days where getting out of bed is difficult and when going back to bed later is all I can think about.

The point to writing this is because I do still struggle, all of us with depression do. Just because to the outside world it looks like someone is fine and ‘has it all’ doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Depression is a small part of me, but it is still something I have to deal with every day and I’m doing my best.

Pondering Life and Bridget.

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I’ve been 22 now for 3 days. I know that one day doesn’t make life miraculously change anything but it’s made me just think about where my life is right now and what I want to do with it. I wrote on Sunday about 7 things I want to do this year, but it goes deeper than that. It’s been a big year of change and challenges, it’s taken me a long time to admit that I can’t control everything and life’s going to do what it does. It doesn’t mean that I sometimes get a little down because everything isn’t 100% how I thought or wanted it to be.

It’s funny because last weekend (on my last day of being 21) I went to see the latest Bridget Jones film. While growing up I loved Bridget and for a period of time I watched the first film almost every night. Even as a teen there was something I saw in Bridget, that she wasn’t perfect and she messed up from time to time but she just got on with it. In the latest film, watching as a 20 something, while Bridget is a 40 something, I felt comforted again. Bridget may seem like an odd person to be cheered up by, but the fact that life didn’t go perfectly but she made the best of what she had filled me with hope.

A lot of people look at my life and think what do you have to complain about?! You’re in a loving relationship, you have a good job and you passed your degree. All those things are true and while I acknowledge that I am in a good position it doesn’t mean I don’t worry like every other 20 something. I worry about how my career is going to go, whether we’ll be able to buy a house or will we just rent? Will we want children. I think I’m pretty normal in the fact that sometimes my brain goes into overdrive and I think WHAT IS THE FUTURE WHY IS IT SO BIG AND SCARY.

I’m hoping that while I know that life is going to do what it does and I’ll try and steer it the right way. I don’t really know what this post is about or if there was a big reason. I guess I just needed to write about how I feel because like all the songs say, 22 is confusing as hell. Let’s hope I can look to Bridget for a little more inspiration and understanding the older I get.

Feminist Fridays: Career AND Family- Why I Refuse to Choose.

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We all know that the dreaded question is asked of all women at a certain age, when are you going to have children (it’s never are you going to have children, but that’s for another post). Recently I was having a conversation which somehow turned to me and my partner having children in the future. I was slightly caught off guard because it’s not something we’re planning on for a few years, until were both settled with secure incomes and our own home (we’re currently living with family while we get on our feet after university). Even so, our company were adamant that I would be leaving work and my career to care and raise our children, while he goes and earns the money to support us.

Yeah. You read that right.

I couldn’t hide my shock at being told this. When asked why I have to be the one to stay at home/ give the most care I was simply told it’s because I’d give birth to them. Well…that’s what maternity leave is for. It simply wasn’t accepted that my partner, who I’d trust with my life, should look after our children, nor should I be the one to support us (even though we’ve discussed this in the past and will make the decision  .

I’m one of those women who has known she’s wanted children since her teens. I love kids, I love my friends kids and I’d love to be a Mum someday. BUT that’s not all I want to be, I love my job and I’m excited about my career and where it can go for me. I want to be able to travel and work my butt off in something that I’m passionate about. Neither of these are either/or situations. I’m lucky that I work with two wonderful women who have balanced a child and a job.

I feel like there are too many people who think that gender stereotypes are the way it should be and the way it should stay. We’re in 2016! As I’ve said time and time again Feminism is about making a choice. My Mum, Aunt and Nanna all raised their kids at home and that was their choice and it made them happy. I know people who’s Mum’s worked full time, who worked part time. None of these situations did their children any harm. We guilt mothers who go out to work, because in societies eyes once you’re a mother that’s your only identity. Likewise mothers who stay at home to raise their children are deemed ‘unfeminist’ by some, which is total BS. We need to make sure women have the right to choose in both a social and economic way.

I’m not planning on having a child for years but I know right now that having a child won’t automatically stop my career. I fully intend to work, because ultimately I’ve worked hard and in the next few years I intend to work even harder. There should be choice for women AND men. I refuse to chose between one and the other. I refuse to put the pressure on my partner to be the breadwinner and refuse to be pressured myself.

Have you had similar things said to you?

 

 

Sunday Seven: Seven Things You Should Know About Depression

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I wanted to write about depression tonight. It’s an illness I’ve had since I was a teenager and it’s definitely misunderstood, especially in young people. So here are seven things I think people should know about depression.

It impacts everyone differently. 

Depression is a very personal illness. For come their depression makes them feel irritable, teary or numb. For others their depression may mean they will work and work to make themselves better. Everyone has different triggers and emotions and everyone has different routes to recovery and feeling better.

It’s exhausting.

Mentally and physically depression saps energy. Whether or not you suffer with insomnia, which I do when I’m incredibly stressed, it can impact the quality of your sleep. So even if you’ve had a perfectly chilled day, you can still find yourself wanting to sleep for hours, or being tired at odd times.

A lot of people have jobs and lives whilst having depression, other people don’t, it’s not a competition. 

There’s a common misconception that people with depression stay in bed and don’t leave the house. Sometimes, that is true, personally I’ve been at the point where I’m so sick I can’t get up or haven’t gotten dressed for days. Some days I have to fight those feelings because I have a job and I know that I need to just look after myself a bit more on days like that. Like I said before the illness impacts everyone differently and it doesn’t mean anyone’s depression is better or worse, it just means that people have different ways of dealing with it.

Medication is a personal choice and not for anyone else to judge.

It works for some and not for others, depression is an illness and some illnesses need medication, I don’t understand why it’s judged so much. Would you judge a person for having an inhaler?

There doesn’t need to be a reason. 

A lot of people think there needs to be an event or trauma for depression to happen, but this isn’t always the case. My depression was started by bullying at school but I was also more prone to it anyway. Life can be going incredibly well and you can still be depressed, it’s just a part of the illness.

There are good days and bad days.  

Some days I will be in a great mood, chatting, laughing and going out with friends. Other days I need to cancel all my plans and have a day to myself because the slightest thing is too much. It’s all about good days and bad days.

I’m still me. 

No matter what a person with depression is still the person you know and love. They may be a little lost for a while or not act like the person you know but try not to treat them differently. There are quite a few people who have deemed me a bitch or not wanting to bother when I’ve had a particularly bad time, not understanding that it’s just a rough patch and I’m still the person I always was, just struggling.

Feminist Fridays: Back to the Archives My First Public Feminism Post

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For this weeks Feminist Friday, I wanted to take you back to the first post where I unapologetically called myself a feminist. I’d had some years that I’m not proud of where I both feared and loathed the label, I wanted equality, why did I need to be called a feminist? Weren’t most of them all angry and man hating (a common misconception). I’m not the first young woman to have felt that feminism wasn’t for them, and I wouldn’t have been the last BUT in the summer before my final year I read a lot (what else is new) and I found what I’d been looking for. I found other women who initially thought the label was too much but then realised there was so much BS in the world if you’re a female. So I wrote this blog and I hope that I’ll show that feminism and feminists aren’t as scary as people make them out to be. We just want equality and we don’t hate men (well no true feminist does).  Enjoy my archive post titled ‘I am a Feminist’, because now I’m so damn proud of that label. 

A lot of people may see the title of this post and think, so what? I’ve thought about writing this for a while and put it off for no reason other than I didn’t want to get this wrong. I am publicly declaring I am a feminist and anything I thought or wrote before is now over written. I’ve always been a feminist but I hadn’t always liked or used the word. I’ve been a feminist since I was a little girl where I’d shout GIRL POWER at everyone while wearing girl power temporary tattoos and would play armies at school and take charge. I’ve been a feminist since I got bored of barbie and used to sketch out my own dolls who could do anything and be anything. I’ve been a feminist since I was a passionate and angry teenager  determined that women could be and do anything and later as an excited 17 year old who saw a poster for the feminist society at university. Then something changed. I came to uni and got in an argument with a male feminist about how oppressed and angry I should feel. As a rule I hate being told what I should and shouldn’t do or feel, more people tried to fit me into a mold so I decided I didn’t want to be a feminist if that’s what people expected of me.

For a long time I, like a lot of young women, refused to call myself a feminist. I didn’t like the way the word had ugly connotations of man hating, being angry and not wanting to shave or wear a bra. I hate body hair on any human and I love a good bra (let’s face it, exercising without one is just damn painful). I’d say I was a humanist and other things like that, I got in arguments at uni and a lot of ‘feminists’ made me feel like I had to conform to their way of living and thinking. Fast forward to when I broke my spine and had a lot of spare time on my hands and something changed. I picked up a copy of How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran for my Writing Women class and it spoke to me. I suddenly felt like I belonged and I could be a feminist and still be myself.

I read and continue to read every book on feminism and strong women that I could get my hands on. I got more interested in politics and women in an international context. I was happy talking about feminism and debating with others. I wanted to be part of a great group of men and women who wanted positivity and empowerment. I’ve said too many that I feel feminism is something you need to discover for yourself and not just tell people WELL YOU ARE, that just pisses people off. I found, fell in love and embraced feminism. I love women like Roxanne Gay too who question what it means to be a feminist in her book ‘Bad Feminist’, because I don’t think there is one true way of being a feminist.

I’m all for women going out and getting a career but I’m also totally supportive of stay at home Mums. My first female role models who I spent time looking up to were my Mum, my Aunt and my Nanna all three are incredible, powerful, kick ass women and all three were stay at home Mums. I also admire working women too, I’ve learnt a lot from my boyfriend’s Mum, who’s always worked. They’re all different and all deserve to be respected for different things.

I also feel that a woman can do what they like with their bodies. I’m not against glamour modelling or the porn industry. Don’t get me wrong there are issues and that’s a whole blog post right there, but if women WANT to do that to their bodies then who is anyone else to dictate to them? Because to me feminism is all about having a choice.

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image from Pinterest via Popsugar

 

I could go on and say all the things we need to fight and put right in the world gender stereotypes, rape, female education around the world, the children debate, etc. I could write about all the men on Twitter, when I posted about equality, who told me I was wrong that the pay gap was a myth and feminism wasn’t needed anymore. I could apologise for being young and naive when I said I wasn’t a feminist. Really though, I just want to say that I’m a big fan of feminism and other women. I don’t want to get angry and compete with them or knock them for every little thing. I certainly don’t want to stand up and go well women are better and men suck, I love men!

I’m writing this because I felt like it was the right time for me to say. I’ve been thinking about feminism instead of sleeping and looking up more books to add to my collection. I know there are some fantastic women out there who I’ve yet to meet and I also know there are people who will judge me first on being a woman before anything else, but you know what I’m excited. I’m excited that I’m a part of this community and that we live in a time where there are so many people working for equality and hopefully less hatred.

So there you go, I’m a feminist, how about you?

Introducing Feminist Fridays!

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Hello, hello, hello!

I’m writing today about something quite important. Now I know there will be people who look at the title of this post and think ‘oh god’ but wait! Give me a few lines. For the past few years I’ve been on my own personal search, the stage of your life where you want to know what you believe in. I’ve read countless books, looked at the world around me, at myself to decide if I am a feminist, what the word means (I’ll talk more about that later on). I wanted to start a weekly segment where I talk about feminism. I want to talk with you all about important issues, feminists to look up to and about our society today. I want to take away the misinformation, at least on my little corner of the internet. Most of all I’ll share my opinion and not step on another woman because of how she chooses to live, because that’s what feminism is about.

For this first post I thought I’d write a little about my life and feminism. Now, since I was a little girl I’ve always been adamant that I could do whatever the boys did. I would play with the boys at school, more than once I was the leader of the army through the woods. I used to draw dolls, because I felt Barbie was lacking, they were called Jenny Anything and they had so many different careers and I was 7 or 8 when I was drawing them. As I got older I still called out sexism, questioned things that I didn’t feel were right. Did I get in arguments with people? Of course I did!

When I was around 17, however, I started to lose my voice a bit. I started at college in a class of almost all boys (I was one of three females, which went down to two in my final year), which I think did have an impact on my idea of feminism. All of my friends were guys, I didn’t feel oppressed and I didn’t see it around me. The feminists I saw around me shouted a lot and talked about what I thought were stupid things like banning a song, I wasn’t like that. So when a boy slapped my bum, it was seen by a staff member and I was asked if I wanted to report it (which I did) I was pressured by the males in my class not to say anything because it was banter, could I not take a joke? Now I think about it am mad, but I was 18 years old and most of the time the only girl in the class and not always that popular for being a ‘nerd’ and a ‘swot’.

So when I got to uni I wasn’t sure about the whole feminist thing. I hadn’t seen a good example of feminism and looking back now I was naive so naive. I wasn’t looking at the bigger picture and I thought these girls were just huge killjoys. Who cares if women want to topless model, do porn or anything like that? Even today I still believe women can do what they like with their bodies and I’ll go into that in a different post. I didn’t see anyone who I could relate to and it’s something Emma Watson has spoken about (the first person I felt like I did relate to). Even in a university discussion I stated I was an equalist because I was fed up of women who thought they were superior to men. I believed the lies, I was young and impressionable and I believed the negativity. In fact now I’m embarrassed, but I truly feel that you need to find your own feminism, it can’t be forced on someone.

It wasn’t until I signed up for a Women’s Writing class and started reading the books that were assigned I started to realise something, there were people in here I could relate to. I realised that things I’d thought were ‘fine’ or me ‘fussing’ weren’t ok. That I can be a feminist and that this angry, hairy, bra burning feminist was something that was mostly made up. Yes there are some people I don’t agree with, but the world would be so boring if everyone thought the same. I realised that I am a feminist and that I may not have always wanted to use the word I’ve always wanted equality for women, I’ve always been passionate about men and women living together and being able to not have social pressures.

I am a feminist and I can’t wait to talk more with you.

 

 

 

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