Tag: life

I’m in a Funk

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Blerghh. That’s not a normal start to a blog post, is it? Recently I’ve been sitting at my laptop trying to write, well, anything and not being happy with the result. I’ve attempted blog posts, non-fiction book ideas, fictional book ideas and I’ve just felt really ‘meh’ about it. The thing is it doesn’t just cover my writing. In general, I’ve been in an odd fidgety mood where I just can’t seem to feel good about what I’m doing.

I wrote a little while ago about what’s been up with me and got a lovely response from so many people, so thank you. I’ve been trying to get myself out of this mindset and pinpoint if there’s anything in particular, but I’m coming up with nothing. That was until I spoke to a friend of mine and found out she had quite a few of the same feelings.

Now, we’ve been friends since we were 11 years old and we have drastically different lives but we still had these feelings of not quite knowing what we’re doing and feeling like we’re not doing enough or what we should be for our lives. I’m going to throw it out there and say I’m not the only 20 something that feels like that at the moment.

There’s so much uncertainty about everything that even the smallest things can feel like they’re a huge deal. Take blogging for example. Logically I know that if I only post twice a week no one is going to die. It’s not a life or death situation but the thought still fills me with panic. Am I where I should be with my blog? Why am I not getting as many views as XX? Am I doing enough on my own social media? The list goes on.

We all know we’re not supposed to compare ourselves but, let’s be honest, we all do. My friend has two kids under 10 and worries about career stuff. I have started in my career and worry about having a family in the future. I guess it doesn’t matter where you are, you’re still going to worry about something and feel that you’re not doing it right.

Have any of my fellow bloggers been stuck in this funk before? What did you do to get out of it? Let me know in the comments below!

10 things I’d tell 11 year old me

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Do you remember being 11? While most of us were pretty disappointed we didn’t get our Hogwarts letters, there was something pretty big going on for all of us, we were about to enter the zoo that is Secondary School. There’s a lot I wish I could go back and tell that scared kid because like it or not, it changed each and every one of us. Some for the better, others maybe not so much.

I had a think about things that I would tell myself, things I wish I could have known that might have made things a little easier. So here are my 10, don’t forget to let me know yours in the comments below!

Don’t be afraid of standing up for yourself.

I was bullied a lot as a kid, it was bad at the age of 11 but it continued. I didn’t want to get into trouble so a lot of the time I just took it. I wish I hadn’t.

You and your body are beautiful.

Ah Puberty, there’s nothing like it to destroy your confidence. This was the start of me worrying about my body. Was my stomach flat enough? Were my boobs going to be big enough? Why did my hair get so gross even when I washed it? Was my deodorant good enough?

This is when I started to doubt it and I wish I hadn’t because it takes YEARS to undo, I’m still working on it!

Don’t panic about not having any friends on the first day of school, you’ll find your friends.

I was petrified no one would like me when I got to secondary school. Little did I know I’d meet the best person in my life there a few years later…

Being nice will get you further than being a bitch, those girls won’t understand that for a long time.

BUT being too nice will get you walked on, it’s a thin line.

Don’t be embarrassed about being smart, keep reading, it’s going to help you a lot later on!

I got mercilessly teased as a kid for reading a lot…I was the 11-year-old reading Victoria Beckhams autobiography because I wanted to know more about her and had gotten through all of the Jacqueline Wilson novels the previous year. Don’t be ashamed of being smart!

Play with your sister as much as possible, she’ll grow up quicker than you think.

Having a sister that is nearly 7 years younger than me I wish I’d appreciated the time she was always at home. Now she’s 16 and off working, meeting friends and doing other things cherish the time!

Everything will happen for a reason.

The good, the bad, the ugly. Every damn thing happens for a reason and that’s what I believe.

There’s going to be some really shitty times ahead, but you’re going to get through them and it’s going to make you stronger.

My teenage years were really tough and sometimes I’m in awe that I managed what I did. But, I’m here, I’m still going.

Think about the future, you can’t do anything about the past.

This is something I’m still working on. It’s easy to get stuck in the past, think about who hurt you and where things went wrong but it won’t help you.

You’re going to grow up to be pretty awesome.

You’re pretty cool, kid.

 

What would you tell your 11-year-old self? Let me know in the comments below.

2018 so far

How’s 2018 going so far?

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Getting towards the end of last year I was nervous, I didn’t know what 2018 was going to bring and I was a little scared. I had a really shitty time last year and I didn’t know how much more I could deal with. So, how’s 2018 been so far? 3 weeks in.

In the last 3 weeks, I’ve started to feel something that I haven’t in a long time, and if I’m honest I’m almost afraid to say it, but I’m feeling hopeful. That’s not to say I’ve gotten into a ‘new me’ phase, I certainly haven’t, I have just carried on living my life as it is but it’s been ok.

So far I’ve already seen positive steps in where I want my career to go. I’ve been working on my blog and thinking about what I want to do and where I want to go with it. I’ve had conversations about the future. Am I optimistic? I guess, but I’m more cautiously optimistic than anything. I’m just working my hardest and hoping that it’ll get me where I want to go this year.

As my readers know, I set goals at the beginning of the year and I’m working towards them in a chilled out way. I’ve been working on my goal of getting to 5000 Twitter followers this year and I’m already a quarter of the way there (you can follow me here). I’ve noted down a few ideas towards my novel and I am working my ass off.

I don’t know if this year will be better or not. I don’t know if this is a great start leading to an even better year. For me though, having hope after a really tough year is a great thing. I’m moving forward and I have a game plan, so 3 weeks in I’m happy and hopeful.

How has 2018 been for you? What are your goals? Let me know in the comments below!

I’m Not Going to Miss October – Life Update.

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It’s been a funny old month and although I was really looking forward to it initially, I’m not a fan of October 2017. This month my life has, again, completely changed in a way that I didn’t expect, although that might not be a bad thing, in the long run, I’m still working that out.

At the beginning of October, I lost my job, something which was a complete shock for me. It completely knocked me off balance. I had a lot of self-doubts, a lot of questions, a lot of stress. Following that, I had my bank cards eaten by a machine, a nasty case of tonsillitis and ended up in Accident & Emergency. It was pretty tough for a few weeks. Why am I writing about this though? Why am I posting about it on the internet?

When I started this blog I wanted to be honest about what my life is like, initially at university and now as a graduate. I didn’t want to mislead those of you who read my blog. It’s been emotionally and mentally draining to go pick myself up again and go on the job hunt when I wanted to just cry.

It hasn’t all been negative. Ali’s come home from tour and having him here has been wonderful. Having company again and someone to wake up to and wish me luck as I leave.

I’m determined to make November better, to be back in work and back on track heading towards 2018.

When Your Confidence Takes a Hit

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Hello, hello, hello!

It’s been a little while since I’ve spoken about how I’ve been feeling lately, which was how this blog started in the first place. I mean it’s, possible, that I’ve been doing this on purpose, maybe.

Almost 3 weeks ago I was let go from a job I quite enjoyed. It was something that happened out of the blue and I went into shock and immediately doubted myself and what I was good for. Which seems like quite a natural response, I think. Either way, I didn’t expect that I’d be looking for a job again, going to interviews again and trying to rebuild myself again.

My relationship with confidence has been a long and interesting one. To a lot of people, I outwardly seem a very confident and savvy person. In fact, in interviews, I’ve been told I’m a very confident person. Yes, I can be. In situations where I pull out my confidence cape and I’m Super Chloe, I can do anything. Then I go home.

I go home and then the cape comes off and I struggle. I wonder what the hell I’m doing, if I’m going to be able to make all of this work. If, in the next 5 years, I will have to go through it again.

We all know that, in life, we’re going to have highs and lows. There’s going to be times when it completely floors you and your confidence. I’ve been dealing with that a lot in the past few years and trying to piece myself back together and carry on.

I’m taking steps to be more confident and to embrace whatever happens in my life. It’s hard but sometimes you need to be your own cheerleader, know your strengths and ignore those who want to put you down. It’s such a tough internal struggle for all of us but, to me, carrying on is the only option.

 

 

23 Things I’ve Learned in 23 Years

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Yesterday I turned 23! I’m determined to make this a good year for me and already have some really exciting things planned but it made me think, what have I learned in the past 23 years on this planet? Well, here it goes…

You know your body better than anyone

There have been so many times that I’ve felt something wasn’t right and after being persistent with my doctors or consultants have been proven right. Listen to your own body and don’t be embarrassed to get a second or even third opinion.

You’re allowed to change your mind

I’ve changed my mind on so many things. It’s all part of growing up, adapting and changing. This isn’t always a bad thing! In so many situations you can and will change your mind.

Feminism is incredible 

Just like I said above changing your mind is allowed, I completely changed my mind on Feminism as I got more educated. It’s such a brilliant thing promoting equality, which is why I started my ‘Feminist Friday‘ series.

Everyone makes mistakes 

And that’s ok! It’s definitely a part of growing up. I am still a perfectionist and really struggle when I make mistakes so I have to remember this, almost on a daily basis.

Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever 

This was so hard but I’m a firm believer in this. Some people are meant to be around for a reason and then go.

Fun is what you make of it 

Sometimes I just like grabbing some dinner on a Friday night, others I like going out for a drink, others I like getting an early night. Fun is different for every person! Own it 🙂

Should is a shitty word 

I HATE the word ‘should’. Why is it even a thing! It just stresses us out, no, no, no, no.

 But No is a great one 

I’m still not great at using the word ‘no’ but it’s a powerful one and one to learn how to use.

Me time is so important

It’s not selfish. We all need some time to ourselves and that’s good for you! Personally, I like to curl up and read, write, watch YouTube whatever I feel like!

No one has the right to make you unhappy 

No one at all, whether that be family, friends, partners, colleagues. I spent too long letting other people impact my happiness, no more.

Mental Health is as important as physical health! 

Repeat, repeat, repeat!

If you don’t ask you don’t get

The worst someone can say is no.

How you see yourself isn’t always how others see you 

I’m not always the nicest to myself, think about the way your friends and those who love you see you. Trust me.

A good book is priceless  

Very few things are better.

Sleep is important, not overrated  

It’s so important to get enough sleep. For me if I don’t get enough sleep I feel really poorly. So, to all who tell me sleep is for the weak, I’ll be in my Harry Potter PJs, snuggled up under the duvet.

A few good friends are worth more than  loads of acquaintances

I used to want to be part of a huge friendship group, then I realised I didn’t really want or need to be. What I did want was to have friends who knew and loved me.

Saving money is important but so is treating yourself sometimes 

I saved constantly through uni and was obsessed with saving. It was also driving around in a car from 1996 that I thought would go on forever. Thankfully my family convinced me that maybe it was time to let go and use my savings to buy another car…

The voices in your head don’t always tell the truth 

They can be your worst enemy, don’t listen to it.

Let go of the rigid life plan 

I had a plan, I had a perfectionist plan. I was going to graduate uni with a first, come out and get a good job, save for a house, get married, have children. Then life happened. I broke my spine and that changed everything. I lost my job, that changed everything. I got a job I loved, everything changed again. I’ve let go of a rigid plan and have goals instead.

Find exercise you love, you’ll thank yourself later 

I was always adamant that I hated exercise. I hated PE at school and thought I’d never like exercise. Then I found horse riding and I fell in love with it. Now, post injury,  I quite like the gym.

It’s ok not to be ok 

I will keep saying this until I’m blue in the face, I even wrote a whole blog about it. You can read it here.

There is nothing wrong with a good night in! 

I go ‘out out’ once a month. I save money and get to stay in my PJs, what’s not to love here?

No one really knows what they’re doing

This is the most important lesson. Everyone is winging it, absolutely winging it.

 

How is my Mental Health right now?

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As I write this, I realise I haven’t really been writing about myself and mental health, not for a while! We’ve gotten to September already and while we’ve still got 3 months of this year left, it feels like 2017 has just been a bit of battering for me and my old mind. Actually, if I’m honest since my accident in 2015 it’s been a bit of a struggle but in terms of this year, how about a bit of an update?

Back in April, I lost my job as most of my regular readers know. At the time it was the worst thing what could have happened in my mind. My depression became unbearable and after 5 and a half months at the company where I was incredibly unhappy and then being let go out of the blue meant that my confidence was shot to pieces. Even when I had a job offer for temporary work I was in a constant anxious state that I wasn’t good enough, that I’d be let go again and I was just an awful human being.

After applying for job after job while temping and not getting jobs, I decided I’d had enough. I was sleeping better at this point and not doing the long drive, so, mentally I was better than I had been since the year before, yeah that long. In my mind, a job was a job and you didn’t leave no matter how much you hated it (this is the worst thing I could have thought). This time I wanted to work for a company permanently that I enjoyed, in a great atmosphere and not too far a commute. So I did what I needed to do I researched and I called around, which eventually meant getting my current job that I love.

In all of this I felt like, mentally, I was on a tight rope. I needed something to come through, to prove to my ‘Mind Goblin’ wrong, that I wasn’t awful and I wasn’t useless and I could do a good job. I was right, the Mind Goblin was wrong. That was that, everything was going to be great. So I got the job, I went on holiday. I forgot to take my medication in the sunshine and had a drop on holiday, but within a day or so I was back on form.

The last 2 months of my job have been incredible, overwhelming and a boost. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still had anxiety attacks, I’ve still had the usual good days and bad days because that’s a part of my life and a part of my condition. Being more content doesn’t mean it disappears or that the ‘Mind Goblin’ doesn’t appear sometimes trying to take over my mind. I’m not writing this to tell you I’m fine and perfect but I’m taking it day by day. Which is all anyone who lives with a mental health condition can do.

As I write this I’m experiencing my first time as a ‘Tour Wife’ while Ali goes across the country with work. It comes with its own challenges, mostly loneliness and not having anyone to talk to when my Mind Goblin creeps out and I have to fight him away on my own. Or maybe not on my own. I’m lucky to have some wonderful friends, family and a great set of colleagues to chat to and to have for company.

Basically, it’s been good, bad and ugly but I’m getting there.

Sunday Seven: Tips for a Good Work/Life Balance

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Now, to start this post I’m not claiming I have a perfect balance in my life (does anyone) BUT in the past year, I’ve learned a lot about having boundaries between work and home. If you’ve followed my blog for a long time, you’ll know that this started a long time before I was working full-time, I’m terrible at switching off. That said, I do have a few tips to make things easier. So, really, this is for any self-confessed workaholic whether you’re a student, working full-time, volunteering or anything!

Work hard, play harder. 

It’s absolutely fine to work hard, it’s a great feeling to achieve, however, you need to play in your own way. That doesn’t mean going out on the town every weekend, it means finding something that you enjoy! For me, it’s a weekend bookathon!

Plan time with your friends and family. 

If you make plans, you have to stick to them. It’s very easy when you’re at home alone or have nothing planned to sit on your laptop and continue working late into the night. By making plans you need to step away and not think about it!

Working late is ok, but not every day. 

Sometimes you have to have a late night, you have things to do. That’s not a bad thing, deadlines happen or things might go wrong. There might even be a period of late nights (I’m looking at you dissertation writers) but you shouldn’t have to do that every single night.

Switch off your work phone/PC. 

Once the working day is done I switch off my work phone and PC. I’m lucky because I can do that, I’m not on call. If you can do that it’s a great way to switch off and have your own time.

Go to bed at a reasonable time! 

There’s nothing worse than trying to get things done with sleep deprivation. Nothing. Worse.

Make sure you take your allocated holiday! 

If you’re reading this from a working perspective most companies are good at telling you to take your holiday, because they recognise you need a break at times. If you’re a student reading this, I know the temptation to work every hour of the university holidays, you still need a break though, just like everyone else!

If you’re struggling, talk to someone.

I’m really lucky that where I work is incredibly open. If you do feel that things are getting a little too much and you’re working every hour of the day, talk to someone. Just one helping hand could make all the difference!

 

A new month, a new woman 

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It’s not often that people blow their own trumpet, it’s frowned upon to stand up and say, actually I’m pretty damn awesome. It’s something I’ve got a history of struggling with and I’ll bet most of you do too. I’m more than certain it’s an ingrained British thing. We’re not supposed to shout about being great like our American cousins across the pond. But what if we did? What if we just thought we were cool?  I had that moment a few weeks ago. I felt like a new woman and that maybe, just maybe, things could get better from here. It’s a cautious hope but it’s definitely there. That is because the last 5 weeks of my life have been transformative. I know that sounds a bit sappy, but it has.

It started with leaving my job at Tech Data, I was given gifts and hugs from friends I had made in the three months that I’d been there. The confidence boost after losing my job in April was huge for me. Following that having a week in the sun, just Ali and I gave me a chance, for the first time since graduating, I could just enjoy my time without worry.  And I took a big step for me and my anxiety, I flew home alone, me! Someone who nearly cried when she had to get a bus alone for the first time all the way back in my first year of university.

Getting back and starting my new job I was nervous, of course, I was but something felt good about this job. I quickly started and got stuck in, learn names and met clients. I realised that I could pick things up in good time and maybe, just maybe, this was something that I could really be good at. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but for the first time since graduating I’m not in a constant state of anxiety over my job…and it’s been 4 weeks. That’s a record for me.

On top of that I’ve started dipping my toes into going out. I do like being at home, I love nothing more than having a nice weekend with Ali curled up in the flat. That said, sometimes my anxiety got too much and I would hide, I didn’t want to go outside. Now, I’m slowly planning things. I got to book club once a month, I go to the gym with Abbie, we’ve been out the last two weekends and this weekend I’ll go to Pride in Brighton.

I don’t think I’m cured, that I’m a different person and I’ll never be anxious or depressed ever again, but I do have some hope. I know all too well that the depression is always there, it’s somewhere in my mind and it will come back but I will deal with that when it comes and, of course, Ali will be right by my side.

Sunday Seven: My Busy Week!

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Ever since I got back from Majorca, my life has been so damn busy! To the point where I worried my blog was suffering because I was getting home and just falling asleep. This week, in particular, has been so busy but also a lot of fun, so for something a little different I wanted to share with you a snippet from my super busy week!

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Wickett 

While I was staying at my Mum’s house sitting, Wickett and I had some quality time and he started to fall asleep in my hand. This was a BIG deal, Wickett hates being picked up, he really doesn’t like it. So for him to cuddle up and let me hold him was huge. I really wanted Ali to see and cuddle him and this week Ali to have the cuddle too!

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Goth lipstick of dreams 

When I was a teenager I wanted to be a full emo/goth but I was never quite brave enough to get black lipstick. I found some for a pound and decided what the hell. Who knows when I’ll wear it (it was to go see the Addams family but it was raining and smudgy). My Dad says this picture makes it look like I’m in a movie, I’m down with that.

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New Harry Potter Pops! 

There are new Funko pops. I may have pre ordered one or two…oops.

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Dinner with friends 

Ali works most weekends in the summer, which means organising going out with friends can be difficult. We finally managed to lock down an evening where the four of us could go to dinner at a local pub. Look at this dessert though. Nom.

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Sonia’s leaving tea party

I’m going to be taking over from a lovely lady called Sonia while she is on maternity leave. We had an absolutely adorable tea party for her on Friday with cakes, biscuits and tea. It was all so adorable and tasted so good. I think the whole office was on a sugar crash at the end of the day.

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My first work night out 

That evening I went for my first Indian! I know, I’m 22 years old and have never had an Indian. I had the best time chatting, eating and drinking with my new colleagues. I also had the first glass of wine I’ve ever really enjoyed. New woman, right here.

 

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The Addams Family Musical! 

Abbie and I went to Southampton for her birthday surprise! I’ve had these tickets for MONTHS and it was so hard not telling her, I almost burst on her birthday last week because I was so excited. I’m a huge fan of Carrie Hope Fletcher who played Wednesday Addams, she didn’t disappoint!

 

I wish I could say this week was going to be a slower one, but I’d be wrong with dinners, writing and Pride! Here’s to a busy summer!