Sunday Seven: 22 and a half

This week I hit 22 and a half, I know most adults don’t count their half birthdays, but firstly I don’t see myself as an adult and secondly I like using this as a benchmark to take stock of what I’ve done in half a year. I mentioned way back in January that I don’t like making New Years Resolutions, instead, I like to use my year birthday to birthday to see how things I have been going. So let’s take a look back and see what I’ve learnt in the past 6 months.

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You don’t need loads of friends to be happy 

Now I’m back in Basingstoke we don’t have as many friends around, but that really doesn’t matter. I still talk to Joe all the time, although it sucks I can’t just pop and see him. I also have Abbie and Ben on the other side of town. I have a lot smaller group of people that I’m in contact with but it’s really about the quality rather than the quantity.

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The pain of losing someone you love never goes away, you learn how to deal with it

A few weeks after my birthday I lost one of my hamsters. Although, to me they are my babies. Noodle passed away and it broke my heart, I still miss her each and every day and that never stops.

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I want to write, so I’ll goddam write 

Enough messing around, it was time to get serious, get planning and get on with it. We’ll see what happens…

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Having your own space is key to happiness 

We finally moved home! Having our own space has made it much easier for me to relax and have time to myself and Ali.

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It’s ok not to be ok. 

I have a problem with wanting to be perfect. I always have. In the last few months when things have gotten tricky I’ve had to remind myself that I’m allowed to feel tired or overwhelmed, that I’m human. So, I did what I always do and I wrote about it and it made me feel a lot better.

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Leaving a job that isn’t right for you doesn’t make you a failure

Back in November I left my first full-time job for a variety of reasons. I wasn’t happy there and didn’t feel like it was right. When I left, even though I had another job lined up, I felt like a failure because I hadn’t been there long. That said it lead on to bigger and better things and just because it didn’t work out didn’t mean I was a failure.

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Grades aren’t everything. 

For a good few months, I hid my degree certificate. I didn’t want people to know that I wasn’t perfect and didn’t get the first I’d been dreaming about. I hated mentioning it and whenever I did I’d follow up with ‘but I was only 3% off of a first!’ as if getting a 2:1 in literature was something to be ashamed of. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt but at the same time my life was a mess in third year, to come out at all with a degree is fine with me. It now happily sits on my desk while I write.

Feminist Friday: Born or Becoming a Woman?

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If you’ve ever studied Feminism or Women’s writing you’ll know the quote I’m thinking of when I started to write this post. It started in France with one of the greatest feminist writers of all time; ‘one is not born, but rather becomes a woman’ Simone de Beauvior argued and how right she was. There’s a lot of debate in feminism about what feminism means to each and every one of us. I enjoy debate, it’s healthy in an intelligent society as long as we are willing to listen to each other.

I truly believe that no one is born into a gender. I wrote essay after essay in university about how gender is socially constructed, it’s not in our DNA. I loved those classes, because I really passionately believed in de Beauvior, in Judith Butler etc, I also wanted to apply it to a modern problem. Something that many wanted to ignore. I 100% believe we need to include Transgender women in the fight for equality and feminism. A few years ago Germaine Greer made very unfair and uneducated assumptions about Trans women.

While I myself am I white Cis female, I care very strongly about the LGBTQ community. I truly believe that all women, no matter what, have a right to equality. There’s no one shape for a woman, no one idea, that’s what feminism is about! Being ourselves and being respected. In each culture there is an idea of what a man is supposed to be and what a woman is supposed to be, it’s not hard-wired because of our genitals. It’s who we feel we are.

If someone goes through the experience of living in the wrong body, having to tell that to the people they love in the fear of rejection and then try to fit in with other women then, damn, they’ve tried harder than me. If they are not a woman then I am certainly not. I have my own struggles, problems and issues, we all do but to be insulted after all that and be told you’re still not accepted? I don’t believe in it, to me it goes against everything feminism stands for. We are what is in our hearts, not our pants.

We each become who we are, who we feel we are inside. Some become women, some become men. We, hopefully, become who we are inside.

I’d love to open up a conversation with you all in the comments below or on Twitter about this! If I have any trans readers who maybe want to talk privately DM me (@chloemetzger) or drop me an email on chloefmetzger@gmail.com, as always I’d love to hear from you all!

 

 

Book Review: Behind Her Eyes – Sarah Pinborough

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Can You Trust Anyone? 

When Louise kisses a gorgeous man at a bar on Friday night, she thinks little of it. After raising a young son alone after a hurtful divorce, she deserves a bit of fun. That is, what she thought was fun until her now boss starts on Monday morning and she realises he’s her mysterious kiss and a married man. While she tries to keep her distance, it’s clear that David hasn’t forgotten. To make matters worse, Louise meets Adele, a young and lonely young woman who’s new to town…she’s also David’s wife. As Louise falls hard into both relationships not all is as it seems. Someone’s playing games, but who?

I was lucky enough to receive a copy of Behind Her Eyes for review from the publishers via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review. It’s been a while since I’ve read a good thriller, after trying so many of the current ‘it’ books I needed something a little different, a little darker. So I was happy when Pinborough’s novel was ready for me to read. The novel moves between Louise and Adele, two very different women who both have an interest in the same man. The closer the women get, however, the darker the novel becomes.

In true thriller fashion, readers are questioning throughout the whole novel who’s telling the truth. As an outside perspective, I feel that most reader will be a few steps further than our characters, or at least they think they will. I will admit that while I didn’t entirely like some of the twists I was hooked. I needed to pick that book up and get it finished, I needed to see how it was going to work out and if my predictions were correct (some were, some weren’t).

I will say there were times when I felt that the did fall into some of the classic thriller tropes that can get fairly annoying. For example, the idea of a marriage that looks perfect to the outside world but is hiding something dark. This has been done so, so many times before and I did bore me at times because it kept being reiterated, particularly in regards to Adele. There was also the situation of two women who are so different but are thrown together in some way and bond. Realistically I could not see Adele and Louise getting along or being anything like one another, which meant I struggled at some point during the novel.

I had to give it three stars as the ending was a little too neat for my tastes. There were elements that, while intriguing and interesting, I felt didn’t really match the rest of the story and could have had a lot more exploration. To some extent, I felt like they were simply thrown in there for shock factor, which wasn’t needed. A good thriller is largely dependent on the ending the author creates and while this wasn’t my favourite ending, it did have an element of surprise.

 

Why I Love Valentines Day, But I’m Not Celebrating.

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I love, love. I think there’s nothing better than sharing how you feel with others and bringing happiness. There are lots of people I love, including Ali. Now, this is not an anti valentines post, not at all. I’m happy for those of you out there who are going to have a special day to yourselves to celebrate love. This year, however, Ali and I haven’t planned anything, we haven’t made a bit deal and we’re not going to.

Why? Why would someone who loves love and valentines and flowers and all of that not want to do it this year? It’s partially because we’ve been together for a decade next year, we’ve done valentines day, we’ve done flowers and teddies and dinners and all of that. The thought of going out to a busy restaurant on the same day everyone else is doing the same fills us with dread. Another reason is the cost, this is where I might sound like a cynic but when I’ve been out shopping recently seeing £10 on a tiny (although adorable) cuddly toy made me roll my eyes, in a month they’ll all be normal price. To put it in perspective we’ve just moved house, I’d much rather we use the money we would have spent and got something for the house, which I know must sound very old and boring.

My final reason is that I don’t think we need it. I think valentines day is great for a lot of people to focus on each other and be romantic, god I’ve been there! I still love flowers and gifts and things but I love it much more when Ali remembers to do something for me, picks me up some chocolate on the way home or runs me a bath. I love it when I feel a litle rushed off my feet but he still tells me I look nice. I love it when I feel crap because I’ve been in hospital and he tells me how proud he is of me. That’s not bashing anyone else, that’s just what many years in a relationship looks like for me.

That said I would LOVE to know what you guys are up to whether it be with a loved one or friends?! Let me know in the comments below!

Sunday Seven: Places you should visit!

Is it summer time yet? No? I can hear the collective groan as so many of us have to wait for the summer to roll around so we can go away and have a little break. I’m very lucky that my family liked to travel when I was growing up, I’ve seen some beautiful countries and hope to add to the ever growing list. This week I wanted to share with you seven places I loved and that you should visit!

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Paphos, Cyprus 

I’ve been to Cyprus a few times with my family and I absolutely love it. We’ve been going since I was quite young and my last visit was just before I started uni. We’ve stayed at the same hotel each time, but the town itself is constantly changing. There’s also a great waterpark, great excursions you can do and a lot of history around. One day I really want to take Ali and show him one of my favourite holiday destinations.

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Sorrento, Italy 

Ali and I first went away together with his family all the way back in 2009 to Sorrento. In the picture above (excusing my awful choice in ‘fashion’) we are standing at the top of Mount Vesuvius. We’d spent the day walking around Pompeii and looking at the history of it. Aside from that Sorrento is very tourist friendly, which means it can get busy but it’s also easy to get around. Also, the food? To die for, I loved it. You can also go over to the Island of Capri which oozes glamour. I want to go to different areas in Italy but Sorrento was a good place to start.

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London, UK 

I’ve been in love with London for as long as I can remember. I was taken to Oxford Street with my Mum and Nanna more times than I can count. London to me means excitement, it’s where I see shows, meet friends, go to events, explore the rich history of a wonderful city. London will always be special to me and I couldn’t just say one place, I love it all!

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Amsterdam

I went to Amsterdam just before my 21st birthday. While we stayed closer to the Red Light District, it was on the last day we found the real beauty of Amsterdam in Vondelpark, if I were to stay again I would definitely pay the extra to stay near the park, also their Hard Rock Cafe is incredible.

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Greece

I’ve been to Greece a lot. The first holiday I  went on with my parents was to the island of Crete, we went time and time again and I fell in love with it. I wanted to use a picture from then but couldn’t find any in digital. Fast forward about 18 years and I’d gone back to Greece, this time to Athens with Ali  for a week long class, and looked at the history of one of the greatest civilizations to have ever lived. Oh and for an Ouzo or two.

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Orlando, Florida 

Anyone who knows me, knows Florida was going to be on this list. My parents have taken me to Florida at least 3 if not 4 times. I was very lucky. I like going and acting like a kid, going to Disney, Universal, shopping in the outlet malls. I can’t see myself going for a while but damn right I’m going back.

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Harry Potter Studio Tour – Watford 

A must for ANY potterhead or anyone who just liked the films. Seeing everything up close, admiring the artistry and the detail on even the smallest things. I need to go again at some point, it’s only been a few years since I went but it’s already changed so much from pictures. It really is a must.

What are some of your favourite places to visit? Let me know in the comments below!

Saturday Thoughts – The Things We Take For Granted

Have you ever noticed how everyone is always rushing? To do something or to find something, there’s always something. I know, I know I am the absolute worst for this, I’m not good at relaxing and always want my mind to be occupied by something. For the last few days I haven’t had a choice. After having my injections I haven’t had a choice. To cut a long story short, my body wasn’t that happy about having 10 needles put into a sore spot and had a bit of a freakout. I wasn’t allowed to go to work, couldn’t really walk very well and was in a lot of pain.

It very quickly took me back to where I was when I broke my spine, but I had nearly two years of living with the pain to contend with. I didn’t have a choice but to slow down this time, because if I pushed it too much then the whole injections, hospital, pain would have been for nothing. So I had to take a few days off work and focus on getting myself better. It meant letting myself be looked after by my family, by Ali, reading a lot and drinking a lot of tea.

For the first time since my hospital visit I went out for a walk today. Wrapped up against the snow and the cold with my faithful Doc Martens and my hand in Ali’s. It may sound simple, going for a walk but it made me so thankful. I didn’t make a big deal about it but I was terrified something would go wrong, that I would wake up and not be able to walk, I spent a few months back in 2015 with the very real possibility that I could lose the ability to walk.

It’s so simple to talk walking for granted before it’s almost taken away from you. With every walk, every workout session I thank my lucky stars that my legs are working. I have struggles but when I spent time in a wheelchair and only able to take little steps it was hard and it changes your life more than you could ever imagine. I am always trying to make things easier for those less able than I am.

I know this is a little rambling, it might not make much sense but I needed to get this down, out of my head. I’ve thought a lot while I’ve been healing and have had long and meaningful conversation with my best friend and the love of my life, another thing that I cannot take for granted. To put it simply, we all need to slow down and admire what we have, but sometimes we need to be forced to see it.

Feminist Friday: Standing With Our Sisters in 2017

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It would be easy to say that, so far, 2017 hasn’t been a great year for women around the world. With the new President often making sexist comments, wanting to shut down Planned Parenthood, make abortions illegal etc, we thought we’d seen a bad hit. We came back with marches around the world. Later Russia were happy to decriminalise domestic abuse in the first instance, another hard pill to swallow for women. Every day we hear more and more stories in the news of girls being the victims of honour killings, acid attacks and the like. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, scared and confused about how things have gone so, so wrong when it’s only February.

Of course, we’ve also seen women and men speaking out against such injustices. Speak out against the governments letting women down and continuing to do so. I worried, when writing this blog that I was talking about the USA again. I feel like I think and write about it a lot, this isn’t because the UK doesn’t have it’s problems, it’s not because I don’t care about women who have it worse, it’s because I need to process what’s happening in what is supposedly one of the most forward thinking nations on the planet.

In these times of darkness, uncertainty and, quite frankly, madness, we need to be there for each other. We need to remember what has come before, that we prevailed. Now that we have social media we can show our support to causes all over the world, let our sisters know they are not alone, that we are thinking and campaigning alongside them. We don’t know what is going to happen, I wish I could say this is all a nightmare that will be over soon, but it might not.

All we have in this fight is each other, fighting amongst ourselves is what they want. Instead of tearing each other down or judging one another we need to lift each other up. We need to let men be our allies if they are willing to stand and fight with us for equality and against the government (hating all men won’t get us any further, it just won’t).

We will stand with our sisters in 2017 and beyond.

How To Murder Your Life – Cat Marnell

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Cat Marnell is living the dream, a career at some of the top magazines in the country, a knack for writing with her finger on the pulse, travel and glamour. That is the woman that people see when they don’t look too closely. Underneath all of that she’s coming apart at the seams. Cat is a drug addict. In her tell-all memoir Cat doesn’t hold back from the highs and lows of a glittering career, rubbing shoulders and getting advice from the best of the best in the magazine industry alongside the long nights she has spent taking prescription medication, Cocaine, Heroin and whatever else she can take. It seems there is nothing that she won’t discuss, in intimate detail.I received a copy of this memoir through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review, and honest I shall be. I’ll start off by saying that Marnell does not hide away from the fact that she is a

I received a copy of this memoir through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review, and honest I shall be. I’ll start off by saying that Marnell does not hide away from the fact that she is a self-confessed ‘privileged white girl’, in fact, she appears to wear it like a badge of honour. It might have been my first indication to put this book down and run away without looking back, instead, I thought she was being honest and that I should give her the benefit of the doubt and continued through the book. Marnell gives us an introduction of her being off of her face at an important company function, before swapping to describing her luxury home and upbringing, the parents who mistreated her and her siblings and the lack of love she received growing up. Talking of the hardships of note being able to talk to her friends, listen to the music she wants and seeing her sister sent away to a boarding school, it would be easy to feel sorry for her.

Unfortunately, there is little throughout the rest of the book to feel sorry for. Marnell has indeed lead a charmed life, often being given chances where she should have been let go of. The whole book goes from one chaotic moment to another, starting with her prescription for ADHD medication, prescribed by her father. After requesting to be sent to boarding school and wanting to try prescription medication, she quickly starts the rest of her life as a drug addict.

What followed made me more than angry, I was furious. While addiction is a terrible and terrifying illness and there are clear reasons as to why she went down this path, the way in which it was written about was quite frankly revolting. There is explicit pride in the fact that Marnell has gotten everything so, so wrong, has been rude, disrespectful and plain nasty and has still gotten all of the benefits of someone who works hard. She takes money off of her parents, grandmother, company and more and still acts like a spoilt brat when she is told to get clean.

I also found it chilling how her addiction and dreadful behaviour towards others was tolerated for so long, simply because she was a ‘good writer’, she wrote openly about being an addict and was constantly sent to rehab but there were no consequences, no drug tests at work. She could have gotten away with murder! The worst part is that throughout it all there is an underlying ‘poor me’ part to the story, which just wouldn’t wash.

I really wanted to enjoy this book but found the author to be selfish and generally unlikeable. I gave this 1 star, because I was offended that someone like this, with no regard for anyone else, could be celebrated in the way she had.

 

 

Update- Spinal Recovery Post Injection

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Hello, hello, hello all!

I wanted to give a quick update on how things are going after the injections. I went into hospital yesterday and after waiting for what felt like an age for my turn in the operating room. I was petrified but sat with a lovely group of ladies, all older than me, to keep my mind off of what was about to happen. When I was called through I did start to feel a panic in my chest but wouldn’t cry. I just didn’t want to cry. I laid down on the table while an oxygen mask was placed on my face with a tube too and a IV placed in my hand. I did have to hold it back when they pressed on my spine to find the ‘points of pain’, I’m pretty sure I made noises that weren’t human. Then my vision started to blur and I was out.

I woke up, babbled to the lovely nurse and as soon as I was deemed ok with my blood pressure moved a little further down to recovery. I was out of it, anaesthetic is powerful stuff! I was given tea and biscuits, but unfortunately quite sick, meaning I had to stay a little longer while I had anti sickness meds and an eye kept on me. I was also in a lot of pain, without any pain relief after 10 (!!!) injections into my spine. Eventually, Ali and my Mum were allowed to take me home and I could finally eat and drink 12 hours later.

I’ve had to be monitored for 24 hours, meaning after sleeping in my own bed I was dropped at my Mums when Ali went to work and have spent the day here, trying to take my mind off of the pain. Eventually it got too much and I had to call the doctor due to increased numbness in my leg and extreme pain, which has left me back on the stronger painkillers and off work for a few more days, which hasn’t made me happy. I thought I’d be back at work and working hard tomorrow, but I guess I just need to let my body heal and take it’s time. I’m conflicted, I want to do well, make the people I work with proud and be an asset to my company. I also know if I don’t look after myself I’m no good to anyone.

So I’ll spend the next 4 days dosed up, with lots of pillows and a few good books. Hopefully I’ll be back to myself in no time!

 

Pre Hospital Nerves

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Tomorrow I’m going to be going to the local hospital to be put under and have spinal injections. No biggie right? Wrong. To say that I’m nervous would be an understatement, I’m pretty damn terrified. I’ve never been put under, never had any kind of procedure like this. In almost 2 years since breaking part of my spine, I’ve been awake and often without pain medication for everything. This could work, be great and be the thing that I need to stop the pain I live with every day and allow me to be able to get on and do more. While I’m excited at the prospect I’m also incredibly nervous and feel on the verge of a panic attack whenever I think too much about it. So while the blog and my Twitter presence might be quiet over the next few days I’m really, really hoping I can have som positive news in a few weeks when it’s had time to work. Fingers crossed.