Getting ready to head back.

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While many of us are getting excited about seeing friends again, the miracle of Student Loan and being able to order pizza at 3am there is one thing that stands in our way. Packing. As many of my regular readers will know my anxiety has been peeking for the last week or so, the thought of going back to halls of residence hasn’t filled me with much joy. If anything it’s made the whole issue of going back to uni worse. 

The problem is that when I’m stressed my mind goes into overdrive. I can’t sit still and I begin to get anxious and panic and then I start to have an anxiety/panic attack. I turn into someone I don’t recognise and say things I don’t mean. I do my best to avoid stress and put things in place so that if I’d under a lot of pressure I can deal with it but sometimes, like today, there isn’t a lot I can do. The reason for all this stress? Packing and going back to being alone in my flat. While I’ve made plans for in the week tomorrow night is going to be pretty tough and I know that. I’m hoping that the box of chocolates I have left over from Christmas might make it a little bit better. 

I’m hoping that once the worst is over I can try and see things in a more positive light. I have a wonderful boyfriend, some brilliant friends and a band that I’m going to be proud of. There is also talk of finding me some alternative housing in the next month and I’m realising that’s ok. I gave Seething Wells a really good try but when my health is involved I need to seriously consider what to do about it. So I might be writing to you guys again about packing for a move once again! We’ll see. 

Right now I’m going to catch up on publishing a few other posts I’ve missed and have my last night in a quiet room for a change! 

Cuddles and old friends

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My God Daughter Lexi and I having long awaited cuddles 

 

Almost two years ago I was asked to be God Mother to a beautiful little girl. When I got into Kingston and my friend Lucy got into Winchester to study Law it meant we’d be seeing a lot less of each other and I had to say goodbye to Lexi for a little while. Today I finally got to see her! With cuddles all around I’m definately still winning in the non biological auntie game! While she picked out her Hello Kitty puzzle in the toy shop I couldn’t believe how much she’d grown in the past few months. That tiny little baby I used to carry around was now becoming a confident little girl, still smiling just as she did when she was tiny. I may not get to see Lucy and Lexi as much as I want too but when I do I come home laughing.

As well as big girl cuddles with Lexi, I also got to have other cuddles today. Another one of my friends (a different Lucy) gave birth to a lovely baby girl last week and I was asked if I wanted to come over and meet her. It’s been a while since I have been around tiny babies (the last one was Lexi!) but I didn’t have to worry, Skylar is the most relaxed baby I’ve met. She slept through my whole visit, only waking up when she had to be changed. I loved catching up with Lucy and to see her so happy with this tiny little girl, it also made me proud too that she’s doing such a great job. Between the two Lucys I’m really lucky that I get two babies to play with! The best part? I can give them back 😉 Only kidding, I love being an auntie/God Mother/friend but it can stay at just that for now. 

Tonight I got to go out and see some old college friends with Ali. We do it every time we come back for a holiday, although there always seems to be people missing it’s still good fun. Best of all I got to see my friend Nicole, she’s just released a beautiful song called butterflies, listen to it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_s3S4JWnzs (the hyper link button isn’t working!). Tomorrow I should probably pack and get ready to head back, but I’ll think about that later.

Maybe I’ll go, before I fall to pieces

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Starting a blog with lyrics from Razorlight is always fun. I remember when I was around 11 and I got this CD at the airport for my Walkman  CD player (HAH just proves that I am as old as I feel!) and I constantly played ‘before I fall to pieces’. When I was 11 I had no idea what it meant and now when I listen to the song I have some idea, if you want to listen to it here is the link. Anyway I’m not writing today to give you the Pros and Cons of a Walkman, although I might save that for later. The title reminds me of how I feel in driving test situations! 

Last year I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do in 2013, some I achieved my nose piercing, my change in hair colour, my tattoo, passing my exams, getting into univeristy. Some of them I know have a great chance of happening this year, such as recording an EP (finally). There is one on there though that sticks out and pisses me off endlessly, get my driving license. Aha there we go, the big one. Get that damn bit of card and paper that says I’m allowed to drive in my car without an adult. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. More than anything else driving stresses me out. Not the actual driving a car I’m generally a good driver but knowing I have to take a test at the end of it. 

Now I’ve done well over my 40 hours by now, I’ve passed the theory, I’ve taken 3 different tests. The problem? A mix of general driving test nerves, awful anxiety issues and memories of past tests. I’ve moved now and I thought that would be enough but I’m still terrified, we have a DOUBLE roundabout. Who even invented those? So while I’ve seen loads of people I went to school with in their own cars, effortlessly driving I’m still the idiot who can’t pass. I’ve had the BS from everyone of ‘don’t think like that’, ‘everyone is different’ blah blah blah. I honestly think that if I hadn’t had such an awful examiner in Basingstoke then I would have been ok. I had them for 2/3 tests, for the first they were fine, for the second they turned into the bloody devil. After sighing when I done anything wrong, raising their voice to me when I chose the safest thing to do and just being a general arse I fell to pieces. After a long appeal where I was called a liar (don’t even get me started) I had to pay once again and was not granted the promise I wouldn’t have them again. The third test was nothing more than hilarious, I was awful!  Here is a tip for you all, don’t take your driving test the day before you get the most important results of your life! 

All this said, I will attempt it again and again. I think this is one of THE main areas my anxiety can take hold of my life. While people say ‘don’t let it’ my fellow anxiety sufferers will know that this isn’t something you can switch on and off. I’m going to try and carry on this year, not because it’s new years but because my theory test runs out in September. After going out with my Dad tonight (and only almost killing us 4 times…I kid, I kid!) I’m feeling a bit better and one day I might actually enjoy driving! 

Young and Resolutionless

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I don’t think that resolutionless is actually a word, if it isn’t that’s point to me for making it up.  I spent last night curled up on the sofa with Ali and woke up without a hang over (bonus).  For the last 2 days the internet has been full of ‘next year I will…’ and so I decided that I’m not going to do that this year. I’m not going to put any unnecessary pressure on myself any more. So let’s raise our glasses to doing whatever the bloody hell we want. I’m going to do what I want to do now and I’m not going to get stressed either. You see the thing is when I started uni I was easily intimidated and didn’t want to stand up to people. Now I’ve realised that although I want to get one with people it doesn’t give them a license to be complete arseholes to me because of what I enjoy and believe. 

2014 could be a very different year to what I thought it would initially be. I’m definitely going to be moving, although possibly sooner than I thought I would. In February I’ll be meeting We Are The In Crowd, hopefully recording the EP around March time as well as attending my last lectures of first year, April has You Me at Six and Halestorm, I’ll be teaching in May, my last month of halls in June, back home in July, six year anniversary in August, my *cough* 20th birthday in September, getting stuck into second year in October, Ali’s 21st in November and I’m sure something will happen for december. With all that going on, would you bother with New Year’s Resolutions?! 

Goodbye 2013

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Most of the blogs/statuses/tweets I’m reading at the moment are either calling 2013 the best year ever or saying 2014 is going to be so much better. I’m going to take a different approach this time. As you know my life is hardly ever all highs or all lows, I’m up and down more times than a yoyo. That said, I think it’s been a pretty good year overall I’ve actually done some great things and survived some things I never thought I would. So I’m not going to tell you that I’ve had an epiphany of everything I will nobally achieve this year. I’m going to work hard and carry on. I’ve got high hopes for me and the boys in No People Club, I might get a new tattoo and I might even get around to writing a bit more of my novel. My plan? I’m going to keep going, make use of every opportunity in Kingston and see where that gets me. For now though here is some of my year in pictures…

I got into Uni!! 

….taking this one with me  

I met some great friends at Head Start 

I finally got my diagnoses 

I finally got my first tattoo 

I said goodbye to For All That Goes 

…but I gained No People Club 

I met my literary hero and got told that ‘I am a writer’! (after she read my blog and then posted it all over the world…just sayin’)

I adopted a few more nutty friends.. 

Oh and managed to steal an iPad off this one 😉

I moved to LONDON! 

…which means I saw a lot of bands

and finally said goodbye to Basingstoke

My Mumma turned 40

Ali turned 20 and had a surprise party to remember 

While I hardly remember the moment I turned 19…

I finally went back to Cyprus 

 

I got my nose pierced.. 

And here are just the ‘normal’ days

 So in light of all that I feel a lot more positive about what I’ve really achieved in 2013, come on 2014 show me what you’ve got.

Many thanks to all of you, please keep coming back!

Happy Birthday Elliott/A tale of two dinners

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I wanted to include a lot of pictures for today’s entry but as it goes trying to get a picture of a 14 year old who doesn’t want to be photographed. Today is my not so little cousins 14th birthday and he’s growing up to be quite a young man. For our table of 9 or so it takes some operation to get us all out to dinner and to a big enough table of an afternoon. I had some other issues to worry about, today was going to have two dinners to get through in a few hours one for Elliott and one to say goodbye to Ali’s sister Claire. After some bribing of my 10 year old cousin Harvey we came to a deal, I’d order him an adults meal and he’d order me a kids so that I could eat at both dinners without seeming rude. It was nice to be around most of my family for an afternoon before I head back to uni in a few days. The best part was Gramps drinking a little too much wine and deciding he wanted to twerk…I’ll go into no details! After it was off to Ali’s to try and get ready for another dinner, a beautiful pasta dish which I wish I could have finished. 

Right now my belly is well and truly full and tomorrow is the last day of the year. Another day done and a kebab for tomorrows dinner, yum yum yum! 

Making some changes

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That picture is me a year ago to the day I believe. Much like right now I had no idea what the next year would hold but damn I was SO worried. Would I pass my driving test? (no), Would I pass my exams? (yes), Would I get into uni? (yes). I suppose in that light not a lot has really changed. I don’t have all the answers this year either, but I am a little more confident about next year. I’m still anxious as hell and if I’m honest that hasn’t got much better. 

It’s not because it’s almost New Years that I want to change. It’s because I got to take a break from uni and think things over. I’m not as overwhelmed by the whole thing, I’ve done the deadlines once already and I’m getting a feel for what I actually enjoy. So next semester I’m going to – 

  • Socialise a bit more 
  • Worry a little less 
  • Not let Creative Writing bother me 
  • Enjoy English Lit 
  • Feel a bit better about myself 
  • Get rid of negativity around me 
  • Try and trust myself a little bit more 

It might not happen, I bet some of them won’t but at least I’m aiming for it and that’s what is important in all this. I don’t make New Years Resolutions, I’m always thinking of ways to help myself. So I wont be heading to the gym, I wont be starting a new hobby, if I do change my hair it’ll be because I’ve been thinking about it for the past few weeks. My main aim this year is to figure myself out a little bit more. Not in a stupid way such as ‘finding myself’ or any of that crap, just working out what I like, dislike and generally experimenting! After all isn’t that what uni is about?! 

Goodbye work!

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Sadly today was my last day at my temp job! It’s weird how much I’ve enjoyed it, most days I’ve been looking forward to going in and earning money again. I’ve been a bit nervous about going back to a ‘real job’ lately after not having the best experience in past jobs. Now I’ve spent a few weeks back in a job with a boss and customers I feel better about being able to be with people in general and getting good feedback. I actually felt like I was needed and appreciated at work rather than just a body.

I think that if I was ever to be a manager I’d like to be able to make people feel like more than a body in a company. I liked the management here, I liked helping people find great presents for the people they loved. It was a real confidence boost for me.  I knew it had to come to an end though and it was a great way to end 2013. Oh and a note on the new camera, I’m hoping to be able to take and upload more pictures once I have some new batteries. Apparently my beautiful new camera eats batteries so I need some rechargeable batteries and go and pick up my new case so I can post pictures every day!

I’ve been waiting all year…

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I had planned on waking up at 5.30am to hit the sales with my Mum, thankfully that didn’t happen this year. I gave myself a ‘lie in’ of 7am before heading to town for 7.45. I usually like to be there for when Boots and Topshop open, my two favourite sales shops. This year, however, I got absolutely nothing in either of those! I left town with a pair of jeans, some slipper boots and some Lush products. I’d been waiting all year for these sales so I could get some nice clothes and update my wardrobe with the money I’ve earned.

So in the end I worked on double pay instead, Boxing day wasn’t that bad!

Being happy this Christmas

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First of all I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas! I hope you all have a great few days to spend time with the people you love, hopefully get some great presents and relax…if you’re not working a temp job that is! After being woken up by my little sister at 2am, 4am and 6am I should be more sleepy right now (oh and may I add my sister is not so little anymore, she’s nearly 13 years old and pestered me relentlessly all night), but I’m wide awake and smiling. 

That’s a big thing for me at Christmas, being able to be so happy and feel content. Why am I happy you ask? It’s not the obvious answer. It’s not the presents I got this morning, the beautiful camera, the stocking full of little gifts that I love, the leather jacket, the signed John Green novel or the DVDs. It’s not the thought of Christmas dinner later (I’m one of the very few people who isn’t a fan of Christmas dinner). It is just being happy that is enough for me, I feel this glow around me because I am smiling. I’m grateful for everything that has happened this year the good and the bad. 

I know people might not understand why I keep going on and on about just being happy. The thing is I haven’t always been able to be this happy at Christmas and it breaks my heart. Back in 2010 (I think it was that year anyway) I was really suffering with my lows and no matter how grateful I was I just couldn’t be happy. I couldn’t just smile, it was a big effort which lead my Mum to think I didn’t like my presents, which upset her a lot and upset me because that wasn’t true. It was so frustrating because I wanted to be really happy and excited like I normally am on Christmas morning but it just wasn’t there. I was crying a lot and I blamed it on the fact that it was the first year without one of my pet birds, although it did upset me that wasn’t the reason I was so unhappy. Luckily my Grampey came to the rescue after speaking to my Mum on the phone, he spoke to me. Gramps has a knack for understanding me at times when nobody else can really work it out so he spoke to me and all he said was that Christmas was an emotional time and you think about things and reflect a lot. That was all I needed to feel a little bit less anxious and upset and as the day wore on I picked up little by little. 

My point is that being happy is the one thing I want to be not just today but everyday. I’m lucky that I had a lot of support around me and felt loved. So if someone is a little down don’t give them a tough time, just remember to smile and try and spread a little more happiness!