Shoppiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!

Leave a comment

IMG_0503.JPG (2)

It’s a quick post for you all tonight. I’ve just gotten back from student shopping night at the Bentalls centre with some of the girls, we queued for a fair while and I got there later than I planned due to all the meeting I had again today (no rest for the wicked!). The event was mostly a load of shops doing discount, some freebies (although not nearly enough) and I managed to get a far bit despite not feeling so well. We got adorable photos taken and then I grabbed a cheeky bar of chocolate on the way home. A good night in all.

IMG_0504.JPG (2)

Speaking out for Mental Health – I’m a guest speaker!!

Leave a comment

Yesterday’s blog maybe wasn’t the happiest but I have some news to share with you all. Lateish last night I received an email from the university about the Diversity conference we will be holding next month, I didn’t expect to get the email but after doing some work with them last year I thought it might be interesting…and then I started to read.

Hello!
You have been specially selected for the opportunity to take part in leading the very first KUSU Diversity Conference alongside Chancellor Bonnie Greer and Paralympic medalist Ade Adepitan on Wednesday November 5th 2014. It would be fantastic to have you involved!
To say I’m excited is an understatement. I can’t believe I’m going to be at the same conference as some incredibly influential and incredible people, the Chancellor after all is someone I greatly admire. Also the chance to speak about mental health as well as being chosen to do it is such a great honour for me. If I can make a difference to one person in whatever way then I’ll be immensely proud.
Don’t get me wrong I’m absolutely terrified at the same time, the place where it’s being held is absolutely huge but if I want to go into music, academics or social media I suppose I have to get used to it. It’s going to take a lot of careful planning, practice and excitement but I just can’t wait! I have around a month to get everything together and be ready and I hope I can do it.
See this is the thing with mental health, they are few and far between but there are a few silver linings. I’ve been through a load of shit that I wouldn’t wish on anyone but somehow I’m making something positive out of it. Do I wish that I could have not gone through depression? I don’t know, to some extent it’s made me a better person, even thought the lows are awful. It teaches you to appreciate the smaller things in life and good ‘normal’ days mean the absolute world to me. Along with the whole good days, bad days thing I’m hoping I can use all of this in my speech (20 minutes is a long time).
Here’s hoping I do it justice!

 

On the inside

Leave a comment

It’s been a while since I’ve written about mental health, one of the many reasons I started this blog. I haven’t really had much to complain about lately, a job I love, a course I love, friends, my boyfriend and everything else I’ve been writing to you all about. Sometimes you can get swept up in all the good things and get a little over confident, something I’ve dealt with a few times in my life.

I spoke to a friend tonight who thankfully understands this, she’s one of the nicest people I know and also deals with mental health on a daily basis. It was a relief to talk to someone who understands. So much is going right in my life that people don’t understand that the depression doesn’t just go away, if only it was that easy. I’m dealing with a lot of new things and although everything is great sometimes I’m still sad. There are times where it’s for no reason what so ever I get ill, I’m angry ,irritable and teary. I got overwhelmed at a work training session today, it was lovely to see everyone but it just felt too much.

Sometimes I get angry with myself over this, especially when it influences other people, Ali in particular. It isn’t his fault I’ve had a long day and I’m tired and irritable but I unleash this monster, stomp around and I’m not very pleasant to be around. It takes a special kind of person to willingly live with a person with a mental health problem especially when things can change so rapidly.

I’m ok I can promise that but sometimes no matter how well everything is going I have dips, it’s only natural.

Getting healthy?

Leave a comment

 

 

IMG_0486

A healthier lunch than my normal pit stop

I’m not a gym bunny or a healthy eater. The thought of hard exercise makes me feel ill and fruit makes me sick (I can hear the cries from health conscious people, hang on I’m going somewhere), so for me getting my 5 a day is really hard. When I went shopping yesterday I was a little bit more conscious in picking up healthy things. I wanted to start eating a little better for a while now but I wanted to do it for me, quietly and not because of anyone or anything. I wanted to at least try and get 3 of my 5 a day, an achievement for me. I already drink Orange juice, Ali makes me each portions of veg with dinner but I needed something else.

When I was tiny I’d eat everything, my Mum had no trouble with me eating healthy meals. I loved snack time at nursery school and would eat what they told me too. Skip a few years and fruit made me feel sick, something to do with the texture, and I would only eat set vegetables. My parents tried everything but I had a limited amount of fruit and veg that I would eat. The rules soon came in that only fruit could be eaten at break, not my normal cereal bars. It was a long fight and it set me up for the rest of my life.

There was one break through, School Bars real fruit, one of your 5 a day and they didn’t taste too bad. So last night I picked up some more at shopping and thought that’s an extra one a day. Adding my OJ and then some veggies with dinner I start to look, well, healthy. Which for me is terrifying. I’ll say now I’m not doing this to lose weight, I’m not cutting out any foods and it’s not because of negativity. with me the more someone pushes me to do something I don’t want to do the more I’ll resist, when people have tried to make me their ‘project’ in the past I’ve resisted. Similarly in halls I had what I eat questioned, so I either hid when I ate or ate things I knew would piss them off. IMG_0482

Why now? I have no idea. The thought of excercising is because I have a friend who also has knee problems and wants to get into light exercise again and we support each other. I’m kind of also hoping that this could be good for my mental health, that said I needed to get to this point before I could even consider exercise or anything like that. Will it last? No idea. We’ll just have to see and who said students can’t be sensible!

Hello second year!

Leave a comment

IMG_0478Back to the hard work first thing 

Well hello Second Year! There’s nothing like a busy and hectic day to get you back in the mood for uni and I’m still smiling. Despite starting at 11am second year seems busy already, not lazy first week lectures but back into the full swing of things. I feel so happy and confident about uni this year, a total change to how I felt last year, stressed, worried and tired.

I started with my Victorian to Modernist module, the reading list would make any one cower away in horror but it’s actually ok. After writing up my list of when things need to be read by I should manage it, if not I’ll have a little help from Sparknotes to help me catch up. Then it was on to my mental health meeting, again positive, in to another lecture and then to my Victorians seminar which was actually my favourite part of the day.

The best part though? I have friends on my course that love and care about me. I’ve got new relationships with girls on my course and everyone seems to be getting along. I’m actually excited about uni, not just for the academics (which I’m always excited about) but because I want to see the people on my course, catch up and see how they are. In short I feel accepted, which hasn’t happened that often when it comes to education. For once I’m not the freaky one, the loser or the one who’s not quite in the group. We get excited about going out, we’re all going on the class field trip in a few weeks,  I couldn’t ask for more.

In short I’m finally happy. That’s not to say I wasn’t with the friends I made last year but something feels a little bit more complete. I’m on a course I love, I have friends both on and off that course, I live somewhere I actually feel comfortable in, everything’s just that little bit better.

I’m looking forward to every part of second year, the highs, tackling my lows and just everything it will bring!

Our boys, Our girls

Leave a comment

Every day, every night there are brave men and women fighting for this country. I caught up tonight on BBC 1’s ‘Our Girl’, Molly’s off to war. I love the programme but every time I watch it I get a lump in my throat. It’s not even for the characters, it’s because seeing a drama gets me so worked up because I can’t imagine what it’s like to live and work through that. I love Our Girl, although I normally watch it not on the night it’s aired but later when I can reflect on it and, well, appreciate it. Personally, I think the BBC is doing a great job, as is Lacey Turner.

Lacey Turner in Our Girl, BBC 1 on Sunday nights. 

 

When Lee Rigby was murdered last year the country went into shock. A young solider, father, a man who had fought for us was killed on the streets of his own country. It reminded us of the loss of our troops as well as the danger in the UK. I’m not going to sugar coat it, but I’m not here to scare you. There are terrorists but that doesn’t mean we should live in fear. As I write this the government have been voting on whether to enter another war, this time on ISIS. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, for our country but most of all for our soldiers. I was one of the many who hoped they may get a break from what seems to be never ending conflict.

I’m old enough to remember when you could go and see the cock pit of a plane on a flight and meet the pilot, when you didn’t have to have your shoes searched and full body scanners weren’t around. I remember before 9/11 (it was a week before my 7th birthday and I didn’t really understand what was happening). All of this said, I’m pleased we have these measures in place now, but I wish we hadn’t had to implement them for the reasons we did. Basically anyone my age has grown up watching the news coverage and because of this I have had nothing but respect for our men and women in uniform, at one point I wanted to become and RAF pilot myself.

After watching tonight I had this overwhelming need to do something to support our troops, but I didn’t know how. Scrolling through the Help for Heroes website I realised I could do something. Instead of buying a new hoodie from Topshop, Jack Wills or another band hoodie I could buy one from HFH, donating money to a good cause and showing my support. Am I nervous about wearing it? The pride overshadows any nervousness I have after Lee Rigby’s death.

Next on the to buy list

I’m passionate and proud of our military. I want to end this post by reminding you all of the website http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/ and to support our troops! They risk their lives so we can live ours.

Healthy Body (image) Healthy Mind

1 Comment

2 year difference, left me in 2012 and right me in 2014 

In my bathroom there is a huge mirror, it stretches across a large portion of the wall above the sink. When I first moved in it really bothered me, wheneverI got undressed for my shower or got out of the shower my body was staring back at me, imperfections and all. I’m not a big girl, but I am curvy, my hips have driven me mad for what seems like eternity (jeans shopping, hell on earth) and I’m quite tiny. Something was different when I had a shower this morning. I looked at myself, really looked. I decided there and then I was done with anything to do with slimming down, I was finally happy with the way I looked after a long time of battling with it. Yes my hips still give me hell when I go shopping but I found positives, above them my waist was almost funnily tiny and I could see the tiniest hint of my ribs, that I didn’t like.

I had a fair bit of puppy fat when I was at school before drastically slimming down when I was 17 to the point where I could fit in to an 8 easily and a 6 at times…I hadn’t fit into a size 6 since I was 12 or 13. I’ve always been self conscious and as with most young girls it changed my eating habits at times, if I felt particularly bad I’d avoid eating, sometimes getting so worked up I’d cry over a chinese. I did want to be thin, I didn’t understand why I had lumps and bumps when my sister, aunt and cousins were all absolutely tiny. My Mum didn’t take and shit ‘it’s your build, the same as me’ at 15 it doesn’t make you feel much better at all. My sister is tiny at at times, although she is 7 years younger than me I was jealous, she had a life time of being able to fit into designer clothes ahead of her while I couldn’t fit into their ‘large’ sizes. Crying in the changing rooms was a regular occurrence and there was nothing I hated more than going shopping. I feel right now that my mother was a saint.

Now I love going shopping, although there are shops I avoid because they make me feel uncomfortable. I haven’t done calorie counting ever (because when people do it I want to batter them with one of the huge bags of pasta from the supermarket), I don’t understand when people go on a zero tolerance to carbs diet either. I understand cutting out white bread if it makes you feel ill, things like that but denying yourself food so you look ‘perfect’ I’ve been there, I’ve done it and I just like the cake better.

Every friend I have both male and female have things they don’t like about their bodies, noses, muscles, bums, boobs, arms, legs everything is on the list! It’s completely normal! I’m not saying this new found revelation is going to make me love every big of my body. I’d like to be more toned on my legs and my tum but I don’t want to obsess over it any more. All this said I have friends who either have or are recovering from eating disorders, it’s not the same thing at all. They’re ill and it takes a long time to get better from an eating disorder, I hope that I can help them feel more positive about at least one part of their bodies.

People will nag at me about what I eat, what I do, what I wear I just want to say IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I’m going to eat what I enjoy, wear what I feel comfortable. I also make a big deal out of telling people if they look good because it can change someones entire day, it’s not uncommon for me to shout at one of my friends ‘ oh my god your boobs/butt looks great today’ it’s not because I’m gay, it’s because I want people to know that there is always something beautiful about them.

You right there reading this, there is something beautiful about you too, don’t forget it!

‘A smile is the best make up any girl can wear’

Leave a comment

Marilyn Monroe quote

The better I get, the more I smile. Even when there are days that are filled with stress or upset I’m working my way through it and not going into a total meltdown, new to me! This quote as well make me just feel, well, feminine, I don’t need make up to look beautiful or feel sexy, just a smile. Ali proves this to me every day I’m currently sat with more spots than I’ve had in a long time, my hair scraped back in an old baggy T-shirt, he still loves me. He thinks I’m beautiful when I’m sick, when I’m sad, when I’m angry but most of all when I smile. So take note girls from the beautiful Ms Monroe and smile more, because you’re beautiful.

Reasons why being in second year is awesome

Leave a comment

While most people I know were terrified at  the thought of first year being over, I was excited…ok still a little terrified too. There are loads of awesome things about being in your second year of uni! Move over first year, you don’t get all the fun!!

 

You already have friends 

Ah the pre uni fear of ‘how will I make friends’ not any more! Unless like me your half transferring (slow clap for me), even then I already have friends. You don’t have to be super nice to everyone you meet or walk around with a constant smile. Scowl as much as you want second and third years you already have buddies for life (well hopefully).

No more living in Halls!!

For some Halls are a haven but more often than not flatmates become a problem. This year you get to choose who you live with and also where. I love my flat, flatmate (ok yes it is my boyfriend) and where abouts I live. I can also now walk around looking however I want, eat what I want and nobody asks me why!

You get to choose what you study

Module choices (for most of us anyway) you start to specialise in what you actually want to do! This is my favourite part of becoming a second year, even my core modules look pretty good.

You know where to go

Your uni town/city is now your second home, you know where you like to go, where the best prices are, the best nights out! You might as well be Wikipedia.

…and where to avoid 

Which clubs have a reputation, where not to eat lunch and which spot in the lecture theatre doesn’t get Wi-fi.

Your not doing work for nothing 

The good and not so good part about first year is that not matter how badly you do as long as you pass your ok. The flip side is that if you do really well that also doesn’t count. So instead of being terrified just think every assignment takes you one step closer to your degree!

Your in a sweet, in between spot not a Fresher but not in the terrifying final year.

Ok so now you, really, have work to do but your not a newbie any more, you’ve earned some  privileges and are heading up the uni hierarchy yippie! At the same time you don’t need to start worrying just yet about what to do after you finish uni, you have a whole year for that! 

You’ve learnt from your mistakes last year

Be it money, how to cook, cleaning you’ve had a year of living on your own and so you know what to avoid now…or at least you should do…

You can finally be annoyed at someone younger than you 

Last year you couldn’t understand the glares from older students when you checked your Facebook for 5 minutes online, why they practically growled at you or didn’t understand that you needed to revise too. Now you get a little pay back and can be just a little grumpy and use that deadline as an excuse.

Sleep is NOT for the weak

1 Comment

It wont be any surprise to those of you following my blog for the past year that I write about sleep a fair bit. Everyone NEEDS sleep and seeing as I crashed out at 7pm this evening after walking around like a zombie all day it’s safe to say I’m not being a lightweight here. I have blogs to upload, work to do, well everything to do actually. Last week was so crazily busy that my body has just started shouting at me, enough!

I hope you all won’t mind if I take tonight to get the sleep I need and upload everything tomorrow. I will say that so far being 20 has been absolutely incredible and I’m loving it. I feel so loved, happy and supported by so many different people. I have a load of projects coming up, my courses look fantastic and of course I have more blog ideas, vlog anyone?

So while a lot of people are hitting Freshers again this year, getting a few hours sleep a day, drinking every day I won’t be joining them. I have a whole week of my birthday to enjoy myself so now I’m looking forward to letting the Freshers do their thing and being all old and curling up tonight before going to the ball on Friday.

More interesting posts to come, I promise!

 

Chloe 🙂