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National Coming Out Day : To You

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I decided to write an open letter tonight, to a friend who means a lot to me. I won’t name them but I know how anxious they are at the thought of coming out and I wanted to write to them and anyone else having these feelings.

Dear you, 

I know. You know I know. We’ve been over this a thousands times and you know I love you all the same. I want to say being gay is nothing to worry about, to me and to a lot of open minded people it’s totally normal and nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m proud for you and Jesus when you are comfortable enough (because that day WILL come) I’ll dance around at pride for you, because I know that’s not your thing. 

Oh and here’s another thing, I know you better than you think I do. I’ve known you were gay for a long time, I don’t know why but I always have to a degree. I never thought that you talking all the time to me was hitting on me, you never once looked at my chest, nor recognised what I was wearing. I loved it, even my closest straight guy friends slips up sometimes, although you agree I have great boobs.

The thing is, you being gay doesn’t mean you have to fit some stereotype ( I know you never will) some people try and intimidate you with a certain type of behaviour, balls to that! Be yourself which is who I LOVE you for. I don’t want to change you, but it makes me so sad when you get swallowed by sadness and confusion over something as simple as who you find attractive, who you love. I know though for you, it doesn’t feel simple but I promise some day it will. 

Being gay is just a part of who you are, it’s one of the things that makes you who you are, your funny, sarcastic and quirky and as other people have pointed out fanciable (although not to me, we’re way too close and that would be odd like loving a brother *shudder*). You’re sweet, kind and give a mean hug any guy would be lucky to have you, and they will. 

Any one who doesn’t ‘accept’ you (what a bollocks term) is at a loss. IF they let some stupid social prejudice come in the way of who you are and who you’re going to become then basically there is something wrong with them. We’re going to have a great time and I already accept being the best woman at your wedding and a god mother for your children (as previously discussed, I will be both a good and bad influence…your welcome). 

Basically I love you, you know I do and I’m here to see this through. When you feel comfortable enough to come out, which I am honoured that you did to me by the way, I’ll be there. If anyone doesn’t like it, fuck ’em who needs ’em. 

Happy coming out day! 

Where do I come from?

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We all wonder where we come from, I’m no exception. I’ve been researching my family history on my Mum’s side for a good few years now with my Gramps, I know we’re of Swiss-Italian nationality a few generations back (hence the name) but there’s a point where we get stuck and can’t go back any further, which annoys me. I don’t know as much about my Dads side, even though he’s interested in finding out about them too.

I think it’s important that we know where we come from, if we wish. I have friends who are desperate to track down family, some lost, some they’ve never known and some they will never know. I’m currently obsessed with two shows, Long Lost family and Who Do You Think You Are? I love the past, the history and the things that people find out.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop researching, in an academic sense or in this kind and it will be nice to connect with my ancestors. It’s great being so close to London, so let’s see what we can find…

Books can open doors

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My signed copy of In Love and War, out now! 

It’s obvious that I love books. They’re piling up my wall as I write this, I’m on a literature degree and I write a review blog so it’s pretty safe to say that I know the magic of what books can do. Another thing they can do is open doors. By talking to people about books, about literature in general, about publishing I’ve had so many doors open for me, tonight being no exception.

I’m getting into the Kingston Writing School, I’ll hopefully be going to Athens as a part of it next year (funds permitting) and so I decided to attend the weekly readings. Tonight I met Alex Preston, as well as a incredible reading and useful tips I also left with a signed copy of the book and a head start on my research for uni. IMG_0588

The night wasn’t all readings I got to mingle with Wine and Olives…a lot of Olives, more than anyone could ever need! I got to meet so many interesting people and all because of literature. Talking about things like this should help me advance through my degree, work experience and even more.

If you use them the right way, books can open doors.

Alone time

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Last year I spent so much time alone. In halls I could go three days sometimes without seeing anyone, not even my flat mates, I’d cocoon in my room and sleep, study and watch TV and if I felt like eating (which when I felt like this wasn’t often) I’d eat at strange times sometimes cooking late at night because my sleeping pattern was all kinds of messed up. I didn’t like it, I felt miserable, alone and would often just sleep for something to do.

It was a surprise to me this year that I am so busy that I hardly have time to be alone. I live with Ali now and we share a room and even when I’m having an off day he manages to persuade me to go outside, be around people. It’s one of the many things I talk to my mentor about, she says that she always tries to get people with depression to go outside and be around people, one of the worst things for depression is being isolated. I didn’t realise until the other day that last year I worried my Mum, she knew I wasn’t doing as well as I said I was and apparently got quite worried that the only times I was going out of my room was to see Ali or the boys. I didn’t feel that it was a problem then but now I can see that I wasn’t very well last year.

And so today came, after pretty much seeing people every day for about 3 weeks straight I felt a bit overwhelmed, I needed a breather. Tuesday’s are one of my days off uni and so I used today as my ‘recovery’ day as my mentor and I call them. I thought that to get over this I need to keep going, going,going but actually I need rest too. Some things that are easy for people without a mental health condition, like having a group of close girl friends, takes a lot of energy for me, I’ve been out of the loop of those kinds of friendships since I was about 14/15 and being ‘a girl’ worries me sometimes. The girls are incredible about it though, which helps,

So I spent today on my own and it was actually kind of nice, I got stuff done, cleaned and put music on when it all got a little bit too quiet. Many people won’t understand this, hey it’s just being alone! This is all a part of me getting better though and learning new things.

Right now I kind of like the peace and quiet of being alone.

My Sunday in Pictures: Young Adult Literature Festival and pub time with the girls

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Although I’m still sniffly I made it out today to the YA Literature Festival with Joe! I bought lots of books, got involved in a lively debate, met a lovely author and some fantastic publishers (which now means the help of publishing work experience hopefully). After that dumping my bags and off to the pub to meet the girls whilst Aline is in the UK!

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The panel of authors debating gender in popular culture, which I got involved in.

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My stash of books that I bought today for £35…Oops! 

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Eleanor and I at the pub.

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Aline, Dani and Eleanor in where else…Spoons! 

Shoppiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!

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It’s a quick post for you all tonight. I’ve just gotten back from student shopping night at the Bentalls centre with some of the girls, we queued for a fair while and I got there later than I planned due to all the meeting I had again today (no rest for the wicked!). The event was mostly a load of shops doing discount, some freebies (although not nearly enough) and I managed to get a far bit despite not feeling so well. We got adorable photos taken and then I grabbed a cheeky bar of chocolate on the way home. A good night in all.

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Speaking out for Mental Health – I’m a guest speaker!!

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Yesterday’s blog maybe wasn’t the happiest but I have some news to share with you all. Lateish last night I received an email from the university about the Diversity conference we will be holding next month, I didn’t expect to get the email but after doing some work with them last year I thought it might be interesting…and then I started to read.

Hello!
You have been specially selected for the opportunity to take part in leading the very first KUSU Diversity Conference alongside Chancellor Bonnie Greer and Paralympic medalist Ade Adepitan on Wednesday November 5th 2014. It would be fantastic to have you involved!
To say I’m excited is an understatement. I can’t believe I’m going to be at the same conference as some incredibly influential and incredible people, the Chancellor after all is someone I greatly admire. Also the chance to speak about mental health as well as being chosen to do it is such a great honour for me. If I can make a difference to one person in whatever way then I’ll be immensely proud.
Don’t get me wrong I’m absolutely terrified at the same time, the place where it’s being held is absolutely huge but if I want to go into music, academics or social media I suppose I have to get used to it. It’s going to take a lot of careful planning, practice and excitement but I just can’t wait! I have around a month to get everything together and be ready and I hope I can do it.
See this is the thing with mental health, they are few and far between but there are a few silver linings. I’ve been through a load of shit that I wouldn’t wish on anyone but somehow I’m making something positive out of it. Do I wish that I could have not gone through depression? I don’t know, to some extent it’s made me a better person, even thought the lows are awful. It teaches you to appreciate the smaller things in life and good ‘normal’ days mean the absolute world to me. Along with the whole good days, bad days thing I’m hoping I can use all of this in my speech (20 minutes is a long time).
Here’s hoping I do it justice!

 

On the inside

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It’s been a while since I’ve written about mental health, one of the many reasons I started this blog. I haven’t really had much to complain about lately, a job I love, a course I love, friends, my boyfriend and everything else I’ve been writing to you all about. Sometimes you can get swept up in all the good things and get a little over confident, something I’ve dealt with a few times in my life.

I spoke to a friend tonight who thankfully understands this, she’s one of the nicest people I know and also deals with mental health on a daily basis. It was a relief to talk to someone who understands. So much is going right in my life that people don’t understand that the depression doesn’t just go away, if only it was that easy. I’m dealing with a lot of new things and although everything is great sometimes I’m still sad. There are times where it’s for no reason what so ever I get ill, I’m angry ,irritable and teary. I got overwhelmed at a work training session today, it was lovely to see everyone but it just felt too much.

Sometimes I get angry with myself over this, especially when it influences other people, Ali in particular. It isn’t his fault I’ve had a long day and I’m tired and irritable but I unleash this monster, stomp around and I’m not very pleasant to be around. It takes a special kind of person to willingly live with a person with a mental health problem especially when things can change so rapidly.

I’m ok I can promise that but sometimes no matter how well everything is going I have dips, it’s only natural.

Getting healthy?

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A healthier lunch than my normal pit stop

I’m not a gym bunny or a healthy eater. The thought of hard exercise makes me feel ill and fruit makes me sick (I can hear the cries from health conscious people, hang on I’m going somewhere), so for me getting my 5 a day is really hard. When I went shopping yesterday I was a little bit more conscious in picking up healthy things. I wanted to start eating a little better for a while now but I wanted to do it for me, quietly and not because of anyone or anything. I wanted to at least try and get 3 of my 5 a day, an achievement for me. I already drink Orange juice, Ali makes me each portions of veg with dinner but I needed something else.

When I was tiny I’d eat everything, my Mum had no trouble with me eating healthy meals. I loved snack time at nursery school and would eat what they told me too. Skip a few years and fruit made me feel sick, something to do with the texture, and I would only eat set vegetables. My parents tried everything but I had a limited amount of fruit and veg that I would eat. The rules soon came in that only fruit could be eaten at break, not my normal cereal bars. It was a long fight and it set me up for the rest of my life.

There was one break through, School Bars real fruit, one of your 5 a day and they didn’t taste too bad. So last night I picked up some more at shopping and thought that’s an extra one a day. Adding my OJ and then some veggies with dinner I start to look, well, healthy. Which for me is terrifying. I’ll say now I’m not doing this to lose weight, I’m not cutting out any foods and it’s not because of negativity. with me the more someone pushes me to do something I don’t want to do the more I’ll resist, when people have tried to make me their ‘project’ in the past I’ve resisted. Similarly in halls I had what I eat questioned, so I either hid when I ate or ate things I knew would piss them off. IMG_0482

Why now? I have no idea. The thought of excercising is because I have a friend who also has knee problems and wants to get into light exercise again and we support each other. I’m kind of also hoping that this could be good for my mental health, that said I needed to get to this point before I could even consider exercise or anything like that. Will it last? No idea. We’ll just have to see and who said students can’t be sensible!

Hello second year!

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IMG_0478Back to the hard work first thing 

Well hello Second Year! There’s nothing like a busy and hectic day to get you back in the mood for uni and I’m still smiling. Despite starting at 11am second year seems busy already, not lazy first week lectures but back into the full swing of things. I feel so happy and confident about uni this year, a total change to how I felt last year, stressed, worried and tired.

I started with my Victorian to Modernist module, the reading list would make any one cower away in horror but it’s actually ok. After writing up my list of when things need to be read by I should manage it, if not I’ll have a little help from Sparknotes to help me catch up. Then it was on to my mental health meeting, again positive, in to another lecture and then to my Victorians seminar which was actually my favourite part of the day.

The best part though? I have friends on my course that love and care about me. I’ve got new relationships with girls on my course and everyone seems to be getting along. I’m actually excited about uni, not just for the academics (which I’m always excited about) but because I want to see the people on my course, catch up and see how they are. In short I feel accepted, which hasn’t happened that often when it comes to education. For once I’m not the freaky one, the loser or the one who’s not quite in the group. We get excited about going out, we’re all going on the class field trip in a few weeks,  I couldn’t ask for more.

In short I’m finally happy. That’s not to say I wasn’t with the friends I made last year but something feels a little bit more complete. I’m on a course I love, I have friends both on and off that course, I live somewhere I actually feel comfortable in, everything’s just that little bit better.

I’m looking forward to every part of second year, the highs, tackling my lows and just everything it will bring!