So it’s finally happened. I promised you all I would document everything, the highs, the lows. Right at this moment, I’ve hit a low and I bloody hate it. I’m stressed, I’m tired, I’m crying and I’m really not sure of anything right now. Some people will say I’m being dramatic, stupid and I don’t really care. I haven’t panicked about moving for around 6 months, the last time was a visit to Kingston back in March when I was also tired and stressed. I was in a city that I didn’t know and having to come to terms with the thought of moving away. Guess what, now that realisation is hitting me like a bloody train and it scares me. While I was out last night I just noticed how small Basingstoke really is and how close I am to my family. I do want to go, I really do but at the same time I’m petrified. I’ve just told my family I don’t want to go anyone and I’m not planning on going anywhere on Friday, regardless. I will go, I know I’ll be on that train Friday morning and I’ll be in Kingston Friday night and staying there for the foreseeable future. In short, sometimes I don’t listen to my brain it malfunctions at times.
You see this is the problem with me I’ll be in hysterics then I’ll be excited. I think about all the interesting things I am going to do, things I can study, going to to do a masters degree later on then out of the blue it floors me. Even though I know I need to get away, I need to start somewhere fresh and get away from Basingstoke there is a little voice inside my head telling me that I can’t do it. Is it part of me being ill? No idea, other people are feeling like this too apparently so I’m not sure and I don’t like pinning things on it. The anxiety is definitely there EVERYTHING is running around my head. Have I got everything? Will people like me? What will my flat mates be like? Will the band get any gigs? Will I be able to keep up with my work? Will I be okay with money? What am I supposed to wear in freshers week? What will people think of this blog?
Now I’ve had a chance to calm myself down I realise how much I want to go and study. I have no doubt in the next 4 days and 3 years I’ll have many more of these freak outs, although maybe I’ll get better at handling them. My advice to any future freshers? Either
A) Go do something that relaxes you to take your mind off of how you feel in a panic
B) Go for a walk in a public place (you can’t cry or rage then…you’ll look as mad as me)
C) Go get some sleep. I’m very aware (as is everyone in my house) that half of this today is because of a lack of sleep.