Milestones

I’ve been thinking lately about milestones. I don’t know what it was exactly but I’m guessing it’s a combination of turning 21 (which I don’t understand why it’s a big deal in the UK), seeing more and more of the people I went to school with having children and getting engaged and a lot of my other friends graduating, starting careers and all that jazz. To put it simply milestones freak me out, I’m sure they do for most people. You’re supposed to do this, do that at a certain age, a certain time. For girls there’s a choice between being a mother and being a career woman, because we’re told we can’t have it all.

In some ways I’m lucky, I found the love of my life when I was 13 years old and we live together. Now we’re more than happy together, we’re both doing degrees we love and have careers that we want, but for everyone else it’s not enough. Everyone asks me when we’ll get married, when we’ll have a baby (never if). I just feel a bit stuck and part of that is because I am a woman. Ali NEVER gets asked when he’ll be a father, he’s asked about his job and what he’s going to do for work, it’s all pretty frustrating. I know that I’m an intelligent woman and I have big aspirations, so why do people ask about these ‘traditional’ things.

I’m in no way saying that people my age shouldn’t be married or have children, most of the women in my family had babies by the time they were my age and they’ve all taught me so much. My best friend became a mother at 17 and she’s one of the most awesome ones I know.The thing is my dream right now is walking across that stage to pick up my degree, being able to treat myself with money I’ve earnt and being happy. I will have children, I’d love to be a mum at some point but I wish people would understand there is so much more to me than the fact I can grow a human. I liked this picture below, it definitely made me smile.

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This isn’t an anti-children post, which is how some will read it, it’s just a frustration that sometimes I’m judged by these milestones when I have other amazing things going on. I hate that I have to think about body clocks and all that crap when I’m trying to plan things out about where I want to be in my life, because I’ve been bombarded with media listing risks and problems. Like I said why am I even thinking about this as a twenty year old!

I appreciate that this post might not make much sense, I don’t even know if it does to me, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this. Who knows how I’ll feel in a month, a year or ten but I just want it to be on my own terms, not because of supposed milestones and other people’s ideas of what happiness is.

When things get tough…

So it’s finally happened. I promised you all I would document everything, the highs, the lows. Right at this moment, I’ve hit a low and I bloody hate it. I’m stressed, I’m tired, I’m crying and I’m really not sure of anything right now. Some people will say I’m being dramatic, stupid and I don’t really care. I haven’t panicked about moving for around 6 months, the last time was a visit to Kingston back in March when I was also tired and stressed. I was in a city that I didn’t know and having to come to terms with the thought of moving away. Guess what, now that realisation is hitting me like a bloody train and it scares me. While I was out last night I just noticed how small Basingstoke really is and how close I am to my family. I do want to go, I really do but at the same time I’m petrified. I’ve just told my family I don’t want to go anyone and I’m not planning on going anywhere on Friday, regardless. I will go, I know I’ll be on that train Friday morning and I’ll be in Kingston Friday night  and staying there for the foreseeable future. In short, sometimes I don’t listen to my brain it malfunctions at times.

You see this is the problem with me I’ll be in hysterics then I’ll be excited. I think about all the interesting things I am going to do, things I can study, going to to do a masters degree later on then out of the blue it floors me. Even though I know I need to get away, I need to start somewhere fresh and get away from Basingstoke there is a little voice inside my head telling me that I can’t do it. Is it part of me being ill? No idea, other people are feeling like this too apparently so I’m not sure and I don’t like pinning things on it. The anxiety is definitely there EVERYTHING is running around my head. Have I got everything? Will people like me? What will my flat mates be like? Will the band get any gigs? Will I be able to keep up with my work? Will I be okay with money? What am I supposed to wear in freshers week? What will people think of this blog? 

Now I’ve had a chance to calm myself down I realise how much I want to go and study. I have no doubt in the next 4 days and 3 years I’ll have many more of these freak outs, although maybe I’ll get better at handling them. My advice to any future freshers? Either

A) Go do something that relaxes you to take your mind off of how you feel in a panic

B) Go for a walk in a public place (you can’t cry or rage then…you’ll look as mad as me) 

C) Go get some sleep. I’m very aware (as is everyone in my house) that half of this today is because of a lack of sleep. 

 

Peace out