Tag: nerves

Sunday Seven: Thoughts everyone has the night before starting a new job

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Tomorrow I start a new chapter, it may be a little sooner than I thought but nonetheless, it’s happening. I start my first temp assignment and as I write this the nerves are ramping up and I’m hoping I at least get some sleep tonight. So here are seven thoughts everyone has the night before starting a new job.

Damn, I ‘m nervous 

I have SO MANY butterflies right now, so, so many.

Will I get any sleep tonight?

I’m awful at sleeping before a big day, there will be a lot of clock watching tonight.

I wonder what the people are like?

It’s always nerve-wracking going into a new situation with completely new people. Luckily the few people I have met have seemed really nice.

What’s the food situation? Am I supposed to eat in a canteen, go out, is there a microwave?! 

I never know what to do in terms of food, it’s always something I think about. Luckily I know the area a little so I can hopefully pop out and grab something.

I’m a professional, I’ve got this… shit, I don’t know what I’m doing! 

The constant battle between the angel and devil on my shoulder this one. The angel knows I can do this but the devil throws in a nice bit of doubt.

I need to check my outfit again

Because you definitely want to get it right on your first day.

Let’s do this

I’ll never know if I don’t do it. Let’s do this!

I’m not ready for 2016

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2016 is supposed to be an exciting year for me. Graduation for a lot of people is something to celebrate but with graduation comes a minefield of uncertainty and basically leaving me on the verge of panic attack central. As the days creep closer to the new year I feel like I’m digging my heels in and just saying no, no, no, no.

I’m not feeling happy or confident about graduating. I don’t like not having a plan and knowing what I’m going to do. I don’t know what I’ll graduate with, I don’t know if I can get a job or if I’ll get the one I want, I don’t know if my MA will run or if I’ll be able to afford it. Where will I live? Will I be able to deal with doing my MA and working at the same time? All these questions are running around my head and my anxiety is attacking me like a laser.

I’m hoping I’ll calm down and take it day by day, month by month but you do get asked a lot of questions. Everyone is interested in a kind way but it’s still stressful. Knowing that in a few months people will be coming to view mine and Ali’s home for the past few years and that I’ll have to start boxing things up again…To say that all this makes me emotional is an understatement and this is all probably a lot work because I’m tired and generally emotional at the moment.

It isn’t all doom and gloom. Some nights I think about exciting things and plans I have and ideas for the blog or the book I’ve always wanted to write. I guess it’s all ups and downs. I’ll try and go into 2016 with a day by day attitude because there are going to be a lot of changes coming my way and I am really anxious. I’m hoping I can work on my techniques and keep fighting the anxiety because I really do want to enjoy what I have left of my undergraduate degree and hopefully there will be good things to come in 2016.

 

 

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Society Awards 2015!!!

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Last night I mentioned that I was getting ready for the university Society Awards. It was all a bit of a rush at first with missing trains, busses not turning up and my sat in my wheelchair waiting for someone (Amy) to come and push me. We’ve gotten A LOT better at navigating around Kingston since the last time and Amy has strength that she never knew she did. So Amy, Laura and I headed out to represent Kingston Horse Riding Society at the awards.

It was a big dinner and award ceremony and I was wheeled around (and to my embarrassment carried because there weren’t ramps to the waiting area). We ate, laughed and took photos. First up was volunteering awards, which I’m embarrassed to say that I really didn’t know anything about. I’d love to volunteer but next year I’m going to be doing so much it will be unreal!

We nervously waited for our categories. This year we were nominated for Most Improved Society, Best President and Laura for Outstanding Contribution. We were shortlisted for the first….and then we won!!!!! We screamed so loud, our little society had won most improved! I was gutted that I couldn’t go up and accept with the others but a special mention was made and my picture taken! It was an incredible feeling and something I’m so proud to take through when I am president next year.

The society’s award!!! 

Next up was president of the year, which unfortunately Laura didn’t win but was shortlisted! We sat through the rest of the evening grinning like idiots because we did it! We had an award!! We only had one more to go and I, being the clumsy idiot I was, was trying not to knock everything over on the table.

Can you tell how excited we are? 😀 

For the final award of the night, Outstanding Contribution and we have a winner!!! Laura was one of 8 chosen! I cried when she won this award. I’m proud of all for my friends for different reasons, for Laura this is just a smidgen of how proud I am of her. Like me, she had a fall last year but is STILL recovering and had 9 months off of riding while she helped all of us and taught me everything I know about horses. She’d dealt with a load of other stuff as well and always has a smile on her face. Well deserved is an understatement and I am so happy to have her in my life and I can’t wait to watch our friendship grow over all our riding adventures!

Lovely Laura with her incredible award! 

I was so glad I went, after all the nerves and panic I felt about going in the chair. There were also times while I was there and feeling a little bit overwhelmed. So many people wanted to know about the wheelchair and what happened and what was going on in terms of recovery. I appreciated their kindness but it sent my anxiety into overdrive and nervousness.

Later on I’d calmed down and enjoyed myself. I was even wheeled on the dance floor and spun around, trying to wave my arms like a mad thing. Later, Laura did the same until my meds started to ware off and I got tired. I ended up getting wheeled home after midnight with lollipops and sweets. I was tucked up in bed (after being lifted in when my back decided it didn’t want to work) with a smile on my face and a tummy full of nerves for a fantastic society next year.

Sunshine can’t solve everything

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I’ve written in posts before about the power of sunshine and nature when it come to my depression and anxiety. Lately I’m starting to work out what can calm me moving on from having to sleep or jump in the shower every time. Today has been beautifully sunny but not my my head. It might as well have been rain and thunder. To me this just reminds me of the ups and downs and what things can trigger one of my low days. As I’m writing this, however, I am pleased to tell you the low lifted a few hours ago. 

Despite the sun, having breakfast and generally doing all things I should have today I still had a near on hysteric phone call with my Mum and started my driving lesson in tears. As you all know driving is the one thing that really, really gets me down. I’ve tried and failed 3 times and the thought of taking another test makes me feel very sick. That said I need to take it, I have until September to pass before I have to take my theory test again and that’s something I want to avoid at all costs. So I drove and luckily I have a good instructor who says I can drive but my panic moments are where I start to fall apart. There are so many things to remember for the test that you stop doing once you actually pass that it makes my brain hurt. On top of that Kingston and the surrounding areas are HARD to drive in. 

I left the car feeling ok but in minutes I was in a state again. Crying and lashing out, I’m not always the easiest person when I’m on a low. With Mum and Ali on the phone as well as my little sister and Jen at the flat I eventually calmed out enough to go wait for a bus. I didn’t observe as much as I normally do, I didn’t smile at people I just wanted to concentrate on getting to Ali’s and just let things go. The bus journey actually helped, I listen to my music, cleared my head and managed to have calmed down a lot once I got to the flat.

Ali managed to do what he does best. I had some quiet time and then we talked things through and cuddled and it was nice to have some time just to ourselves to talk and laugh and he cheered me up. After making sure I was few and watered I came back happier and calmer and had some time with Jen. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better although I know it’s when the pressure really kicks in with everything going on at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me! 

The first night out, nerves as well!!

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The thought of going out has been playing on my mind now for about a month. Bekkie and I had discussed going to cheese night this weekend but when we came to discussing it I felt awful. I’d hardly slept due to noise in the flat/building, I was exhausted and ended up bursting into tears over absolutely nothing and so we decided that we’d go home have a nap and go from there.  After talking to my tutor I was starting to feel better and ended up sleeping for 3 hours when I got back, after a bite to eat I was ready to give it a go.

I was stressed I wont lie, I’d never properly done this before well not in clubs anyway. We ended up going with my flatmate Christie and some other friends and headed to the pub first, which had now evolved to a club atmosphere. We ordered some drinks and were getting ready to head into the club opposite. The problem however was the boys. Now we’re a group of fairly attractive girls so it wasn’t unheard of for boys to try and dance with us, I however made sure they wouldn’t get the wrong idea. Normally if they see a ring on your finger (even if it you buy it yourself, make it look like an engagement ring) most of the time it will work tonight it didn’t. Some of the guys were nice and just looking to chat  (well I thought so) some were complete idiots and would not take no for an answer especially the old ones who pretended they were in their twenties. You’re not fooling anyone, give up old men who are double my age.

Despite the fun however I started feeling really poorly and my kidneys started to ache. After not being back long I didn’t want to push it and Bekkie didn’t feel like the club either. So we left and went to McDonalds. So it might not have been a wild night but I tried.

I’ll try again next time 😉

When things get tough…

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So it’s finally happened. I promised you all I would document everything, the highs, the lows. Right at this moment, I’ve hit a low and I bloody hate it. I’m stressed, I’m tired, I’m crying and I’m really not sure of anything right now. Some people will say I’m being dramatic, stupid and I don’t really care. I haven’t panicked about moving for around 6 months, the last time was a visit to Kingston back in March when I was also tired and stressed. I was in a city that I didn’t know and having to come to terms with the thought of moving away. Guess what, now that realisation is hitting me like a bloody train and it scares me. While I was out last night I just noticed how small Basingstoke really is and how close I am to my family. I do want to go, I really do but at the same time I’m petrified. I’ve just told my family I don’t want to go anyone and I’m not planning on going anywhere on Friday, regardless. I will go, I know I’ll be on that train Friday morning and I’ll be in Kingston Friday night  and staying there for the foreseeable future. In short, sometimes I don’t listen to my brain it malfunctions at times.

You see this is the problem with me I’ll be in hysterics then I’ll be excited. I think about all the interesting things I am going to do, things I can study, going to to do a masters degree later on then out of the blue it floors me. Even though I know I need to get away, I need to start somewhere fresh and get away from Basingstoke there is a little voice inside my head telling me that I can’t do it. Is it part of me being ill? No idea, other people are feeling like this too apparently so I’m not sure and I don’t like pinning things on it. The anxiety is definitely there EVERYTHING is running around my head. Have I got everything? Will people like me? What will my flat mates be like? Will the band get any gigs? Will I be able to keep up with my work? Will I be okay with money? What am I supposed to wear in freshers week? What will people think of this blog? 

Now I’ve had a chance to calm myself down I realise how much I want to go and study. I have no doubt in the next 4 days and 3 years I’ll have many more of these freak outs, although maybe I’ll get better at handling them. My advice to any future freshers? Either

A) Go do something that relaxes you to take your mind off of how you feel in a panic

B) Go for a walk in a public place (you can’t cry or rage then…you’ll look as mad as me) 

C) Go get some sleep. I’m very aware (as is everyone in my house) that half of this today is because of a lack of sleep. 

 

Peace out