Tag: Mental Health

Trying to be ‘perfect’

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We all want to be ‘perfect’, come on you know that in some way you do whether that be career, family, image or anything like that. I’ve been back at uni for two weeks and the familiar anxieties have started to creep in, am I doing enough? Am I going to get a good degree? Will I be able to get onto MA? Will I be able to get a job? Theses are things a lot of students think about a lot of the time, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

I’ve been musing over what to write for the past two days when I received a notification that Hannah Gale had just written a post about trying to be the best, in the low mood I was in I was curious. I started to read and I couldn’t stop, Hannah had just put it all in perspective for me. Although I’ve never met her I just wanted to hug her and go YES SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL! I’m constantly putting pressure on myself to best the best, to try and be just a little bit perfect, but that doesn’t work for me.

I always put pressure on myself to do well, I don’t know where it comes from because I’ve never had those kinds of pushy parents. My Mum’s words for me were ‘do what makes you happy, if you’re happy I’m happy’ and so I chose everything I have today, she never forced me to do anything despite visiting Kingston endless times with me so I could be sure she just wanted me to be happy. None of my family have been academics and it’s fair to say that by year 11 no one thought I was going to be an academic, maybe that’s what spurred me on, being the kid who people thought would get no where.

So I work on and on and on. Everyone tells me to take a break but I just have such high standards for myself, all the time. I don’t regret it but I’m learning to love myself a bit more which for me means not being so hard on myself. Not getting angry when I have a low or don’t do as well as I planned or have to stay in bed because I’m sick. After pushing myself for years and being that kind of person it’s hard but step by step I’m getting there. I’m planning trips around Europe, writing again and honestly trying to get through the hurdles as best I can.

One day I’ll let go of ‘perfect’ and 100% appreciate happy for what it is.

New Year, same me.

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Happy New Year to you all, welcome to 2015! If you’ve been following me since this blog started you will know I really don’t like resolutions, I don’t see the point. I do, however, believe in looking at your life and seeing where you need to go, but because I do this every few months, if I tried to plan the whole year I’d go mad. As you can tell from this post and a lot of other last year I like lists, I make them every day with what I have to do and all that Jazz.

Things I want to do this year

  • Play good gigs
  • Look after my mind and body
  • Pass 2nd year
  • Keep my wonderful friendships
  • Ride horses
  • Carry on with getting better

They’re simple things that I did last year and that I’ll continue this year, no big challenges, nothing extreme and in a few months I’ll see how I feel. The thing is I don’t need a drastic change, I’m ok just being me. Yes I might change a little but that will be as a result of getting better and being less anxious (I hope).

So this was just a little post to say you don’t need to chance this year, just be happy!

Finally: Getting back to myself

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After a long few weeks of feeling, low, helpless and not myself I can say that I’m finally pulling through again! It’s been 5 days of solid steadiness and I couldn’t be more pleased, just in time for Christmas! My first realisation, Friday morning, as I was driving back to the flat I’d been awake for an hour where I had just gotten up, dressed and headed out, no anxious thoughts or dread I just, well functioned normally. While Saturday I was slightly off (from a lack of going outside waiting for damn parcels), I carried on and was ok and got on Sunday as well. The last two days I’ve been smiling to myself and humming christmas song and I’m so pleased I could dance around.

I’m not in the mind that I’m completely better, I’m still seeing doctors and mentors more regularly and I’ll carry on without complaining and not rush because when you go through a bad low, like I have been for the past 4/5 weeks it does scare you. I was terrified I’d never get back to this point where I could feel in control and I’d be stuck in sadness for ever, it’s horrible but once you’re starting to get better and have even a little bit of confidence you’re keen to make sure you don’t slip again. It’s a part of my life and I know I will probably slip again but I know I have great people supporting me.

I wanted to write to you all with this sense of amazement and happiness because I want to detail what’s real to live with mental health problems. For me these little victories mean the world, like no anxiety attacks. I’m back to chatting with people at horse riding, texting and seeing my amazing friends (who have also been angels) and being just easier to live with (although I say now I couldn’t have gotten through these last few weeks without Ali) and to top it all off I had band practice today! I just feel so much better after a good ride this morning (on a very tall horse) where I could feel myself becoming a better rider, then a long walk down Kingston Hill which I never done before but just made me feel refreshed.

If any of you are stressed or having a rough time at the moment, just take every day at a time and baby steps when you can. Lows totally suck, but they will go eventually with the right help.

How to explain ‘Head Sick’ – Mental Health

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Me age 16 trying to be ‘normal’ and ‘fun’ on a bad low

Calling in sick to work is not a great experience for anyone, especially when it’s for something mental health related, because it relies on people having knowledge as well as people not judging you. You can’t phone your boss and say ‘I feel really sad, I can’t come into work’. A lot of people think that bad depression means you just lie in bed all day and that’s that. For most of us, that isn’t true because we can’t let it, we have bills to pay and things to do and even if you don’t care about those things you go on in cycles but don’t feel anything towards what you’re doing and then the says you do have off/ evening when you can crawling into bed and staying there becomes all you want to do…sometimes.

I’ve been mentally ill for about 5 years now and the picture above is me at one of my worst points. Being 16 was a terrifying year and there is so much I just don’t remember, my mind just goes blank. The picture above was be trying to be happy, fun and normal. I hadnt been diagnosed and every just said it was my hormones but I felt crazy, when I did manage to go into school I’d normally leave early or just sit in my lessons and slowly going numb, not taking anything in. It was torture.

In a way it’s good that I can’t do that anymore, I need to work to have money, I need to go in to get my degree which I care a great deal about and differing from first year I live with someone who knows when I’m unwell and helps me any way he can. Days when I am low and not functioning are what I call ‘Head Sick Days’ and I’m thankful that my tutors and my friends know when I really need some time as well as encouraging me. I hope though, one day, that everyone can have this kind of understanding and help that they really deserve because depression, anxiety, bipolar etc are all illnesses and we need to support those who need it.

I’ve been pretty rocky for the past month, a lot of lows and needing a bit more support than normal from those around me, but I don’t feel hopeless. 2015 is looking to be fun and busy, especially for the band and my work. So right now my posts might not be exciting but I’m taking it day by day a step at a time, with ‘Head Sick’ time included.

Struggle

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Life isn’t always easy, any idiot can tell you that. I’m writing just a little bit tonight because, again, I haven’t been doing so good. Every time this happens I feel like I’m letting you all down, myself down, the band. I’ve been slipping lately as have my relationships, attendance and general health. In short I’ve been unhappy for a few weeks and therefore all over the place.

Basically I just haven’t been myself, back to the Doctors and we’ve adjusted my plan again, it’s something I need to do but it doesn’t mean I’m completely happy about it. I just feel like these struggles are constant and I need a break, but the thing is with depression, you don’t get one. It’s an illness and as much as I hate it it’s there and I can’t just wave a wand and get rid of it, who knows maybe that would make it worse. You need to know sadness and pain to be truly happy, which means when I am happy I really appreciate it more.

Tonight and yesterday we’re a bit of a meltdown, missing my lecture because of a panic attack and then again today having a panic attack at band practice…I haven’t had one of those in well over a year, maybe two. It’s tough, it’s scary when your having one but I’m going to be ok, I hope. Also I’m not the only one stressed and worried at the moment, every one I know is a little stressed about deadlines or just life in general, it makes it a little better and makes me feel like less of a freak.

I just wanted to let you know, I might be a little bit scatty but hopefully the changes in my plan will make things better, all I ask is my lovely followers give me a bit of time.

 

Thank you

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After my blog post on Monday I have had an outpouring of love and support from so many people. I wanted to use this post to say thank you, for your likes, your messages and more blog follows (nearly 150 now, eek!). I think that it’s an important part of getting better if you, like me, have been living with depression for a long time or if you’ve just entered this part of the roller coster. Support really is everything in getting better and I couldn’t do it without the people around me understanding that sometimes I’ll be stressed about little or nothing, sometimes I’ll cry for days and not know why and sometimes I need to be a little selfish and there for myself more than anyone else.

The whole thing of 1 in 4 people, it’s so much more apparent to me at the moment but it’s not something you can see. You best friend could be depressed, it doesn’t mean you’ll know because you get good at hiding your feelings or avoiding situations where other people can see that something is wrong. I’ve done both and sometimes I still do because that’s just a part of this illness. I’m not going to rant and say it’s horrible, it’s unfair, it sucks. This is just something I have to live with and learn to deal with in my daily life.

I wanted to let you know I am going to be ok! I might be up and down and all over the place and I might not be super happy but being ‘Ok’ will do for now. I think I actually appreciate feeling happy more than other people, being happy makes me feel even better I can take over the world in a good mood. I’ll learn to deal with this but the support I’ve had over the last few days has made me feel better, I’m still very up and down but it helps.

Thank you to all of you

Being honest

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I always want to be honest with you all about how I am. This blog isn’t just about university but also about mental health. At the moment the pressure is building from assignments, readings and getting half way through second year already. It’s not that things are going badly, not at all but I just haven’t been feeling like myself. Lows can last anything from a few hours to a few weeks and the past week hasn’t been my best, it’s been tough and a lot of things have suffered because of it but I’m going to be ok. I have great people around me and I can get back on track once this is over and done with. I have been hurt recently, I’ve doubted myself and the people around me but hey, it’s great song writing material haha.

If I want to do anything I want to make this blog honest. Today is where things have picked up a little talking to friends and feeling a little more in control, as well as knowing I’m not the only one who’s stressed out right now. We’ll get through this, together. I also got to laugh today, a lot and have another gig to look forward to. I’m trying to take this one little step at a time.

Oh and my interview with The Guardian made it in too, check the link here 

The power of animals

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It’s amazing how animals can change your life as well as your mood. Today is my dog Lottie’s 7th birthday (which is 49 in dog years…I think), she’s one of my best and most loyal friends. Lottie is the first dog my family has had, she’s been there for me no matter what and knows when I just need a cuddle. I think saying goodbye to the dog was the hardest when I moved.

I love telling the story of how we got her, let me start by saying I didn’t even want a dog (my cat had gone missing a while earlier and I was still adamant he’d come back). So we go to the dog rescue and because of my sisters age they decide were allowed to see the puppies. I think there was 6 of them in total, 4 boys and 2 girls, one of them being my girl. I went towards them and this little hyper one pushes it’s way to the front and starting licking my hand…that was Lottie.

While I’m in London I don’t have any pets, unless you count Ali, so when I’m sad I’m left to my own devices unless I’m outside and next doors cats say hello. That is until I started riding. Before my lesson today I felt really low, stressed after last nights recording session and on the verge of a panic attack. Amy cheered me up but once I got on the horse I was left to stay still and wait for my instructor, I started stroking Jemima, the horse I’d had on my first ever ride. I calmed down, went for my lesson and came out feeling like everything had just gone away, it’s the magic of animals.

There’s a reason a lot of people recommend pets or work with animals for depressed people, animals never judge. They just look to you for love, care and somehow they know when you’re not feeling right.

So Happy Birthday to my beautiful Lottie Lou and thank you to Jim-Jim for being the wonderful horse she is.

One of the best days of my life.

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You know those days that are totally kick arse and at the end of it you kind of still can’t believe it. Yeah that happened today. I’d mentioned before how I had been asked to speak at the Diversity conference and to be fair I was so nervous. Last night and this morning I was so worried, what if no one turned up? What if loads of people did but they disagreed with my points? Do I really know what I’m talking about?

Turns out I shouldn’t have worried. After speaking to our Chancellor, Bonnie Greer MBE, I felt at ease. I’d watched one of her speeches before and she was absolutely incredible, I was able to watch her again before my own speech and I was just so inspired by it all.

As for my speech? It was well recieved, I got the most questions of the morning and the best thing was that I was really helping people. I had so many people come up to me after, asking my advice and if I would be involved in certain things. It was overwhelming but everything I wanted to be. I’m hoping to write a blog based on the ideas that I spoke about today.

I was also ableto be a part of a Mental Health workshop and we could really discuss how it impacted our lives, how we could help the university etc. Overall a really positive day in terms of Mental Health and I will also hopefully be participating with a member of staff on a research project on students with MH issues. How exciting!

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My wonderful tutor Sara giving her support. 

After catching up with my friend Joe, who was so supportive today and I can’t thank him enough. My next part of the day was to head to the Kingston Writing School and a talk that I had helped organise. If you haven’t read any of R.S Pateman’s novels go now! The Second Life of Amy Archer is out now and The Prophecy of Bees will be out later this month.

Rob gave a brilliant talk, honest, funny and humble. I was also pleased to find someone else who writes like me! Scattered and all over the place, not careful planning if I can help it. Hopefully I’ll be attending a book launch for The Prophecy of Bees soon which should be a lot of fun!

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Rob Pateman (R.S Pateman) and I 

Other than that general smiles, good company and some exciting news about my academic future (possibly) overall a great day and still proving you can LIVE  with depression 🙂



Argh!

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I’m sure the feeling of wanting to hide away and tell everyone to piss off is not lost on you guys. Everyone has those days, or in my case evenings when your tired, irritated and just want some space, some room to breathe from everyone. Sometimes mine goes a little deeper than that.

Next week is reading week, that’s right I’m six weeks in to my course and I’m definitely feeling it, although not necessarily from just studying. Societies, friendships, band stuff, working, volunteering for things, basically right now I’m exhausted. I’m ready for reading week and although I’m working half of it, the other half I want to just chill out, relax and not think about too much. I know I’m doing well, but sometimes when I’m doing well I burn out, get tired and then quickly start to get very unhappy.

The past few days have been a little bit like that, I know things are going well and then I don’t want to stop. Sometimes I just kind of forget my illness and try and get everything done because I’m excited and happy, I forget that as a part of this I need to rest too. It sounds silly but  rest is HUGE part of recovering from depression because it is exhausting. Low days make me so tired, I get pulled down and I just can’t do anything because it’s like a weight on me that I’m struggling to lift, sometimes for days.

If I’m honest I’m not at my strongest right now because I need a rest BUT I have found that when I go horse riding I feel a lot better, I get on the horse and that is all I focus on, no phone, no internet, no thoughts, just me and the horse. Today I rode Princess, a lovely older horse. I picked it up quite quickly and had a good ride and good feedback, I could feel my muscles getting stronger and actually my self worth. I’d never done this before and now I could do it and I loved it.

So when I go from feeling that good to just feeling generally useless I get frustrated and angry, sometimes to the point where I want to lash out at my illness because it’s just not where I want to be. I want to be happy and stay on one level but sometimes I just can’t.

I have a stack of blogs to upload for you all and I’ll get on that as soon as I can.

Sorry guys, it’s really just one of those nights apparently.