Trying to be ‘perfect’

We all want to be ‘perfect’, come on you know that in some way you do whether that be career, family, image or anything like that. I’ve been back at uni for two weeks and the familiar anxieties have started to creep in, am I doing enough? Am I going to get a good degree? Will I be able to get onto MA? Will I be able to get a job? Theses are things a lot of students think about a lot of the time, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

I’ve been musing over what to write for the past two days when I received a notification that Hannah Gale had just written a post about trying to be the best, in the low mood I was in I was curious. I started to read and I couldn’t stop, Hannah had just put it all in perspective for me. Although I’ve never met her I just wanted to hug her and go YES SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL! I’m constantly putting pressure on myself to best the best, to try and be just a little bit perfect, but that doesn’t work for me.

I always put pressure on myself to do well, I don’t know where it comes from because I’ve never had those kinds of pushy parents. My Mum’s words for me were ‘do what makes you happy, if you’re happy I’m happy’ and so I chose everything I have today, she never forced me to do anything despite visiting Kingston endless times with me so I could be sure she just wanted me to be happy. None of my family have been academics and it’s fair to say that by year 11 no one thought I was going to be an academic, maybe that’s what spurred me on, being the kid who people thought would get no where.

So I work on and on and on. Everyone tells me to take a break but I just have such high standards for myself, all the time. I don’t regret it but I’m learning to love myself a bit more which for me means not being so hard on myself. Not getting angry when I have a low or don’t do as well as I planned or have to stay in bed because I’m sick. After pushing myself for years and being that kind of person it’s hard but step by step I’m getting there. I’m planning trips around Europe, writing again and honestly trying to get through the hurdles as best I can.

One day I’ll let go of ‘perfect’ and 100% appreciate happy for what it is.

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