Tag: happiness

My Big Mouth: Ireland changes the world, Take Note USA

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Today history was made in Ireland, the good people of that beautiful country voted YES to everyone being able to marry! While I was unhappy that it had come down to a vote (I mean come on no one had to vote on straight people being able to get married) the result is incredible.

I’ve been watching the news for the past two days, hoping and keeping everything crossed. People travelled home to cast this vote, because they are decent people, who believe in freedom and equality. Someone asked me ‘Why are you so excited?, It’s great but you don’t live in Ireland and you’re not gay?’. Correct, I neither live in Ireland, nor am I gay but I have a really close friend who is. I wrote a letter to them last year for National Coming Out Day (read it here), it makes me sick that if they lived in another country they might not be able to marry someone they love because of someone else’s bull**** opinions. I don’t care what religion you’re a part of, you can’t take away someone else’s happiness.

I’m bursting with happiness for Ireland but there is so much that we need to do! Listen up America, it’s your turn! America is getting a lot better with legalising gay marriage (pft legalising it, I hate writing that). That said, some people still think if they shout loud enough they and stop whatever they want, especially if they back themselves up with some religious book.People deserve the right to get married no matter what their sexual preference is. They are in love, they want to be committed to each other and it’s not going to impact anyone else’s life other than theirs.

I realise this has gotten slightly ranty and I apologise. I just feel so passionate that countries such as the UK and USA are leading countries so we should set an example and show love and compassion. I’ve hung out with a lot of LGBTQ people and guess what? They’re good, normal, honest people! So what if a girl likes another girl, a boy likes another boy or someone decides they like the best of both or uncomfortable in their own skin.

Change the world, spread some love and fight for equality! Congratulations Ireland!

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‘All you need is POSITIVITY’

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Yes, yes I did just quote a Spice Girls song and no I do not have any shame (come on I was a Spice Girls obsessed little girl, of course I can quote the songs).

Hello lovely readers, I hope you’re all doing ok. So today hasn’t been a great day, It’s been pretty rubbish although I’ve had some good news (more on that later) but mostly bad, which left me pretty low. I reached a point today after a little cry where I saw up and thought, right I’ve had time to be low and now I’ve got to get on with what I need to do. For now, that means resting but keeping my mind active, doing my physio and then slowly moving up with the goal of still having a great summer. What’s being miserable going to achieve?

Now I know what some of you are thinking, It’s great for her, but I can’t do that. Let me tell you a little secret, for years when people told me to ‘stop being negative’ I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell and fight and make them understand that I just couldn’t be, why didn’t they understand? I just couldn’t be positive, I couldn’t get out of this black cloud and sometimes you can’t. You have to be at a point where you’re well enough and bit by bit you will get there, it just takes time.

Anyway, back to today. I’m not saying I won’t have lows, I have depression lows are a part of my life, so are anxiety attacks. I just want to try and control them, grab positives when I can. It is hard and I am struggling but I’ve been worse than this before and somehow I got through. I know I’m stubborn and headstrong, so I’m going to try and use that to be positive when I can. I’ve got so many people helping and caring for me, the least I can do is try. Although I had an avalanche of bad news, it wasn’t all bad, I’ve got an interview for some really incredible work opportunities, I got to see Joe today and I finally have physio booked!

Being positive with a mental health condition isn’t always easy but it is possible, just not all the time! Take some time to do something you want to do, go back to something you enjoy (for me it’s been sketching), make a plan of things you’d like to do or ,if you’re like me, lists can make you feel so much more in control of the situation (which I struggle with, not being in control make a very stressed Chloe). So even if right now, there is no light you can see in your life. If things are so stressful you just want to hide under the covers, you’ll get there and there WILL be better things to come. Also why not try reading the ‘helping yourself list‘ I wrote about last year?

I hope you’ve enjoyed todays blog, as ever leave a comment below and let me know what you think!

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Writer life.

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I’d love to tell you all that all I do in life is write. That would be lying. I wish I could get up in the morning, open my laptop with a cup of tea and write page upon, page of an amazing novel which will sell millions of copies. That said I do write every day on this blog, songs, lists, notes. The most important part of that is the song writing.

When I can’t deal with life and I’m spiralling or even if I feel really happy I pick up a pen, or my laptop and I just put the pain (or lack of it) onto paper. I have a box of old lyrics books, scribbled notes here and there and if you go through either my room here or at home you’ll find diaries, old stories and piles of lyrics. I don’t know why but writing to me is one of the most incredible and liberating thing. If I want, no one will ever see some of the things I have written or everyone could.

Do I want to write something that would be a best seller? Of course I do. I don’t know if it will ever happen, but I might try. I might end up sitting in the uni library in the silence for hours and come out with nothing worth reading to anyone else. It’s just for me.

The songs are a different matter. I put the words on to paper and everyone who comes to our shows will hear what I feel. Some songs, like Breaking Point, are something I came up with because of the people around me and then later people I imagined, other songs are entirely different. If you look at Good Enough, which I was immensely proud of, it was really personal and the newest songs that we’re working on are even more so. It’s taken a year for me to not feel sick when I sing the boys my ideas for the first time, because it’s so personal to me. I know how ‘artistic’ of me, but this is me pouring my heart on to a page.

I don’t know what it is but I wrote a post ages ago, life through my fingers, about how it was the only way to make myself feel better. I said playing Piano wasn’t like writing and it’s not but I was wrong in some aspects. When I write some things, like this, I just write whatever and that how almost every creative thing of mine starts, I don’t think too hard at first. That’s a trait that used to get me in so much trouble during Art lessons at school, nearly 5 years since my GCSEs and I’m still like it…and why I didn’t take Art any further.

Writing, in all it’s beautiful ways is tiring, frustrating, liberating…sometimes everything.

Thank you

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After my blog post on Monday I have had an outpouring of love and support from so many people. I wanted to use this post to say thank you, for your likes, your messages and more blog follows (nearly 150 now, eek!). I think that it’s an important part of getting better if you, like me, have been living with depression for a long time or if you’ve just entered this part of the roller coster. Support really is everything in getting better and I couldn’t do it without the people around me understanding that sometimes I’ll be stressed about little or nothing, sometimes I’ll cry for days and not know why and sometimes I need to be a little selfish and there for myself more than anyone else.

The whole thing of 1 in 4 people, it’s so much more apparent to me at the moment but it’s not something you can see. You best friend could be depressed, it doesn’t mean you’ll know because you get good at hiding your feelings or avoiding situations where other people can see that something is wrong. I’ve done both and sometimes I still do because that’s just a part of this illness. I’m not going to rant and say it’s horrible, it’s unfair, it sucks. This is just something I have to live with and learn to deal with in my daily life.

I wanted to let you know I am going to be ok! I might be up and down and all over the place and I might not be super happy but being ‘Ok’ will do for now. I think I actually appreciate feeling happy more than other people, being happy makes me feel even better I can take over the world in a good mood. I’ll learn to deal with this but the support I’ve had over the last few days has made me feel better, I’m still very up and down but it helps.

Thank you to all of you

The power of animals

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It’s amazing how animals can change your life as well as your mood. Today is my dog Lottie’s 7th birthday (which is 49 in dog years…I think), she’s one of my best and most loyal friends. Lottie is the first dog my family has had, she’s been there for me no matter what and knows when I just need a cuddle. I think saying goodbye to the dog was the hardest when I moved.

I love telling the story of how we got her, let me start by saying I didn’t even want a dog (my cat had gone missing a while earlier and I was still adamant he’d come back). So we go to the dog rescue and because of my sisters age they decide were allowed to see the puppies. I think there was 6 of them in total, 4 boys and 2 girls, one of them being my girl. I went towards them and this little hyper one pushes it’s way to the front and starting licking my hand…that was Lottie.

While I’m in London I don’t have any pets, unless you count Ali, so when I’m sad I’m left to my own devices unless I’m outside and next doors cats say hello. That is until I started riding. Before my lesson today I felt really low, stressed after last nights recording session and on the verge of a panic attack. Amy cheered me up but once I got on the horse I was left to stay still and wait for my instructor, I started stroking Jemima, the horse I’d had on my first ever ride. I calmed down, went for my lesson and came out feeling like everything had just gone away, it’s the magic of animals.

There’s a reason a lot of people recommend pets or work with animals for depressed people, animals never judge. They just look to you for love, care and somehow they know when you’re not feeling right.

So Happy Birthday to my beautiful Lottie Lou and thank you to Jim-Jim for being the wonderful horse she is.

The uni couples

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In my first year of uni I saw a lot of love and not just the kind that only happens in a one night stand. Of course those happen, it wouldn’t be uni without the various hook ups when people roll out of Pryzm or at 2am. I want to use this post to just show people how diverse uni is when it comes to love. 

 

The Fresher’s hook up 

I’ve seen this one so many times! People go a bit crazy during freshers, get a bit flirty and anything from a kiss to well… So they hook up and then awkwardly avoid each other for the rest of the year praying they won’t have to start a conversation. 

The Flat Mate Romance

This one explains itself. Sounds like a bad idea. Probably is a bad idea. Wanna go for it? I’d leave it until the last month if I were you just so you have an escape route should you need one!

The Long Distance Couple 

I love these couples! I have a lot of friends in LD relationships. Don’t get me wrong it’s a hard time to deal with a LD relationship we’re all young, new people, new places etc but you CAN get through it, so many people do. Sometimes you sacrifice a night out or two to see them but it’s all worth it if you really love them. 

Coming out 

So many people come out at uni. Like I said you find out who you are, what you like and can really be whoever you want to be. Uni also has societies for LGBT people making it easier to have someone to talk to. 

The casual hook up (that lasts a year)

The are they? aren’t they? sort of couple. They’ll never admit how much they like each other but they’ve been having casual hooks ups all year and don’t seem to go for anyone else…

The couple that came to uni together 

This is me! My boyfriend and I decided when applying to go to uni’s close to each other or the same. Kingston was perfect because we had our own space, made our own friends and now we’re moving in together 😀 A lot of couples do this, maybe not at the same uni but in the same area.

The mistake…

Most people will have a relationship that was a mistake for so many reasons! It’s normal and human! Don’t beat yourself up when he/she doesn’t turn out to be ‘the one’ as much as they are the one you want to hit with a bus. 

Looking for love 

A lot of people come to uni looking for love…keep going there will be someone! 

The LOUD ones 

You know what I mean. They *cough* like they’ll die tomorrow and make sure everyone knows…

The ones who find their soul mate

Something like 25% of people find the person they go on to marry at uni, that could be you! 

 

 

The Fault in Our Stars

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My fan screening pass 

I’ve waited for well over a year for one of my favourite novels to be made into a film. Now I’m normally very untrustworthy of books being made into films, it’s rare I’ll like a book as much as a film. I haven’t just been pleasantly surprised tonight, I’m excited and I’m heartbroken and that’s just how I wanted to feel after seeing this film.

I am incredibly privileged to have been able to see this movie and a staff Q & A as a part of the fan screening along with a poster and the fan screening pass in the picture above. I went with my friend Rhys another huge John Green fan. Oh and a load of pre teen girls…. I think we were the oldest there who weren’t parents.

Every part of this film was done perfectly, the music, the actors, the writing absolutely everything.  I couldn’t have asked as a fan for a better film adaptation. I can’t rant and rave about it enough and I can’t wait to go and see it again. One tip though? Don’t wear any eye make up there is one point the film where everyone and I mean everyone had tears in their eyes or was openly crying.

Read the book, watch the film and just enjoy John Green’s incredible talent.

Life through my fingers

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I find that much of my life ends up spilling out through my fingers. My lyrics, this blog, my novel attempts and something new, piano. I sat down today for the first time in a long time and just let myself play. Ali took me to one of the piano rooms, big, bright and in the corner a stunning Grand Piano. I didn’t think too much at first I tried my scales, attempting to warm my cracked voice and then I just played around. I figured I had some time to kill so I played around. It’s very hard to stop a piano sounding beautiful. 

So I played and played and played. I wouldn’t stop and something amazing happened, first I got close to playing an actual song and then I just let myself go. I put everything I felt into playing and it made sense. I just played for nearly an hour and I was able to hear how I had been feeling lately. Sounds crazy huh? 

I’ve been trying to find something I could do when I hit a bad low that I could just release and pain or emotion and I think I’ve found it. It’s not like writing, I don’t have to worry or think about what to do I just do it and it feels incredible, I’m so excited about this. 

Play every gig like it’s Wembley

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King Freddie gracing the stage of Wembley, the way he held the crowd was incredible

 

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve always been in awe of Wembley stadium. I went with my parents to the old stadium when I was small we have pictures of me holding various trophies (what they were I don’t know) but the football wasn’t what started me off. So many of my favourite bands have played Wembley, although I haven’t been to a gig there yet I still wonder what it feels like. I think about what it would be like to stand on that stage with thousands upon thousands screaming back at you, a musicians dream.

So maybe I didn’t play Wembley last night for real but I certainly was in my head, the SU came alive! The boys and I finally took to the stage as an electric band…it was amazing. It helps when you have a friend in the crowd who knows the lyrics..that makes you feel like a bit of a rock star. I was nervous and panicked before hand honestly not knowing how to pull this off but we did it! The fun members of the audience (who didn’t sit miserably at a table) were moving and cheering through the whole set. Despite starting with a broken string the rest of it ran smoothly with very minor mistakes. I was just so grateful to all the people who showed up and cheered and just enjoyed our music.

I also ended up talking to people about the lyrics afterwards, it made me realise  that pain can actually be worth it. Try telling me that six months ago when my heart was broken! All the living I do comes out in the slightly messy way of my lyrics and last night I felt and lived them. The past is gone, I can’t change it and I can’t live in it so I’ve got something new to look forward too. My confidence has soared I feel like we could actually get somewhere with this (please like No People Club on facebook!). The best part was being compared to three of my idols after being told people want to buy our music, they were that into it!

The bottom line is that it’s times like these when I can accept myself for who I am, if it wasn’t for the depression would I have written the way I did? I don’t know but I do know that the hurt that went onto those pages is really paying off. So keep an eye out in the future, No People Club are on the way to the top…hmm this could mean a new tattoo.