Tag: change

What have I done this summer?

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the expectations of summer today and for the past few weeks. As we creep closer to September and the evenings start getting darker that little bit earlier summer is scampering away before our very eyes. While I was lying on the bed at my appointment yesterday, as my physio was telling me to slow down and not push the muscles too hard something in me snapped. NO! I wanted to scream in my head, No I’m done, I want a summer do over, I want to go and explore the world and write books and go all over London. Just give me a do over. But I was sat slowly trying to pull my knees towards my chest and having my reflexes checked every week to make sure that I wasn’t getting worse. I was waiting on doctors appointments and adjusting medication levels every few weeks. What the hell was I going to say once I got back to uni?

Almost on queue my anxiety  kicked in today, with a days of depressive thoughts too. What if everyone just ignored me when I couldn’t keep up or go on nights out properly? What if I just sat in the corner while everyone talked about how awesome their summer plans were and how they were glad they spent their last summer before graduating having fun and being young? All I could say was that I fractured my spine, got to go in an ambulance and slept a lot.

So I got sad, got angry, and tried to convince myself getting out of bed and getting dressed was going to be a good move. I threw on some clothes after a while and scraped back my hair, intending to take some pictures of Kingston in the sun. The short story is that it didn’t happen, the long version includes a lot of muscle spasms and swearing. So I moped even more and did housework. Now I bet you’re thinking why do I want to read her moaning about life being sucky, WAIT, this bits almost over, I promise.

I thought the words, what have I done this summer? After waves of negativity I had a lightbulb moment, I managed to get my spine to heal back together. I realised how awesome and amazing my body had been this summer. I might not have done anything that other people I know will have done like a trip to Australia or going to Reading Fest, but my body has managed to piece itself back together and escape never being able to use my legs again.

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I realised that it was pretty awesome that I’ve gone from needing help to get out of bed, to walk even the tiniest bit and helped out of the bath every time (now it’s not as often) to having the independence to go to work and my physio appointments without everyone being anxious about it. I’ve learnt to deal with doctors and have a love for nurses. I’ve learnt that I can handle levels of pain I wouldn’t imagine and that if my determination ever needed testing this would do it. I didn’t back down on going to Athens or performing at Basingstoke Live, as people keep telling me I’ve been pretty bad ass.

I still have a long way to go, more appointments, more physio and having to adjust my plans but your body healing itself is a pretty awesome thing and it even makes me forgive the stretch marks that have caused me so much upset lately. Even with all that and the chance I’ll never be able to ride again/ it will be too much of a risk, the experience has made me grow, as cheesy as it sounds. I’ve picked myself up from lows I never thought I’d have and I’ve seen the beauty in the people around me.

So that’s what I’ve done this summer, how about you?

Things get better!

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Hello you lovely lot!

Yesterday I was pretty down, I’m sure a lot of you saw it, I needed to get all the stress and anxiety and worries I had written down because I promised all of you I would be honest. Today was met with another trip to Kingston Hospital and desperately hoping something would be sorted. My lovely Mum came up today to come with me so that Ali could go and record Bass with the boys.

Now I’m very slow at walking at the moment, I’m hardly walking at all. So I met my Mum for a hot chocolate on this miserable rainy day and managed to find a Sylvia Plath book to pick me up a little bit before the big appointment, but that wasn’t what was amazing about today. This morning I started reading Katie Piper’s ‘Things Get Better’ after the horrible lows and anxiety yesterday. I tweeted about it and then the BEST thing happened KATIE REPLIED! THE KATIE PIPER!!!  Now I’m a huge fan of her’s she stands for everything I want to be and believe in. It gave me the push I needed to get me through the day! I want to get real copies of all her books, especially ‘Start your day with Katie’ to help with my positivity.

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My tweet from Katie Piper!!! 🙂 

Mum and I braved the rain and wind to get the bus to the hospital (thankfully the passengers and bus drivers were really helpful today, thank you!). I was terrified. Nobody had really told me what to expect or what could happen, the last I knew they were still on the edge of debating surgery. So I sat and waited to be called through for what seemed like ages until a friendly nurse called me through. The walk down the corridor was possibly the longest and most embarrasing. It’s painful to walk so I walk with tiny steps, holding on to the wall for support and I could see the sympathy in everyone’s faces while mine was going red with both determination and embarrassment. When I finally got into the room again the nurses were great getting me settled to wait for the doctor.

I try not to cry in these situations, I want to seem like a good patient, that I appreciate what doctors do. I held my Mum’s hand while waiting and just hoped they wouldn’t go ahead with surgery. The doctor was sweet, quick and good at what he had to do. He checked me over, answered my questions and apologised for the rudeness of A&E a few days before. Apparently my legs are strong, which is a happy surprise for me, he could see how much pain I was in and tried to make it as quick as possible. I was told a back brace would be needed, stronger painkillers and a follow up appointment with x rays in 6 weeks. That was it but I felt so much more confident that he knew what he was doing. Then on to physio while the nurse thankfully ran up to put my brace request in for me (it’s special equipment that needs to be ordered in).

I only had to wait 10 minutes to see my lovely physio lady, Linda. She was funny, kind and made me feel good and didn’t push me to see what movement I had for now! I really liked her and she me so now I have physio lined up asap but the good news is I should fully recover. I’ve also been suggested a wheelchair (now purchased) for days out and NOT to push myself too hard at all, like I kind of have been.

With the good news I called around, I’m also still allowed to go to Athens! Then it was off to buy a few new pair of PJs, The Simpsons ones, The Little Mermaid, Monsters Inc, Cola ones – thank you Primark! Finally Mum, Ali and I went for some dinner before I got taken home to rest again, it had been quite a painful day.

I’m still struggling with all of this, I know how lucky I am but I’m nervous about the Brace and Wheelchair. No ones ever been able to see something wrong with me, I get worried about how people will react, even if it is temporary. It might seem silly but I’m trying to work through and not get too angry/frustrated as I have been.

So there you go! Fully up to date and hopefully my wheelchair will be here after the weekend and I’ll have news on the rest of my appointments soon. I’m still super bored and in bed most of the time so I’m coming up with new things for the blog but I’d love for you guys to chat to me too, leave me a comment, tweet me, email me! I love to hear from you all!

Getting healthy?

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A healthier lunch than my normal pit stop

I’m not a gym bunny or a healthy eater. The thought of hard exercise makes me feel ill and fruit makes me sick (I can hear the cries from health conscious people, hang on I’m going somewhere), so for me getting my 5 a day is really hard. When I went shopping yesterday I was a little bit more conscious in picking up healthy things. I wanted to start eating a little better for a while now but I wanted to do it for me, quietly and not because of anyone or anything. I wanted to at least try and get 3 of my 5 a day, an achievement for me. I already drink Orange juice, Ali makes me each portions of veg with dinner but I needed something else.

When I was tiny I’d eat everything, my Mum had no trouble with me eating healthy meals. I loved snack time at nursery school and would eat what they told me too. Skip a few years and fruit made me feel sick, something to do with the texture, and I would only eat set vegetables. My parents tried everything but I had a limited amount of fruit and veg that I would eat. The rules soon came in that only fruit could be eaten at break, not my normal cereal bars. It was a long fight and it set me up for the rest of my life.

There was one break through, School Bars real fruit, one of your 5 a day and they didn’t taste too bad. So last night I picked up some more at shopping and thought that’s an extra one a day. Adding my OJ and then some veggies with dinner I start to look, well, healthy. Which for me is terrifying. I’ll say now I’m not doing this to lose weight, I’m not cutting out any foods and it’s not because of negativity. with me the more someone pushes me to do something I don’t want to do the more I’ll resist, when people have tried to make me their ‘project’ in the past I’ve resisted. Similarly in halls I had what I eat questioned, so I either hid when I ate or ate things I knew would piss them off. IMG_0482

Why now? I have no idea. The thought of excercising is because I have a friend who also has knee problems and wants to get into light exercise again and we support each other. I’m kind of also hoping that this could be good for my mental health, that said I needed to get to this point before I could even consider exercise or anything like that. Will it last? No idea. We’ll just have to see and who said students can’t be sensible!

Healthy Body (image) Healthy Mind

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2 year difference, left me in 2012 and right me in 2014 

In my bathroom there is a huge mirror, it stretches across a large portion of the wall above the sink. When I first moved in it really bothered me, wheneverI got undressed for my shower or got out of the shower my body was staring back at me, imperfections and all. I’m not a big girl, but I am curvy, my hips have driven me mad for what seems like eternity (jeans shopping, hell on earth) and I’m quite tiny. Something was different when I had a shower this morning. I looked at myself, really looked. I decided there and then I was done with anything to do with slimming down, I was finally happy with the way I looked after a long time of battling with it. Yes my hips still give me hell when I go shopping but I found positives, above them my waist was almost funnily tiny and I could see the tiniest hint of my ribs, that I didn’t like.

I had a fair bit of puppy fat when I was at school before drastically slimming down when I was 17 to the point where I could fit in to an 8 easily and a 6 at times…I hadn’t fit into a size 6 since I was 12 or 13. I’ve always been self conscious and as with most young girls it changed my eating habits at times, if I felt particularly bad I’d avoid eating, sometimes getting so worked up I’d cry over a chinese. I did want to be thin, I didn’t understand why I had lumps and bumps when my sister, aunt and cousins were all absolutely tiny. My Mum didn’t take and shit ‘it’s your build, the same as me’ at 15 it doesn’t make you feel much better at all. My sister is tiny at at times, although she is 7 years younger than me I was jealous, she had a life time of being able to fit into designer clothes ahead of her while I couldn’t fit into their ‘large’ sizes. Crying in the changing rooms was a regular occurrence and there was nothing I hated more than going shopping. I feel right now that my mother was a saint.

Now I love going shopping, although there are shops I avoid because they make me feel uncomfortable. I haven’t done calorie counting ever (because when people do it I want to batter them with one of the huge bags of pasta from the supermarket), I don’t understand when people go on a zero tolerance to carbs diet either. I understand cutting out white bread if it makes you feel ill, things like that but denying yourself food so you look ‘perfect’ I’ve been there, I’ve done it and I just like the cake better.

Every friend I have both male and female have things they don’t like about their bodies, noses, muscles, bums, boobs, arms, legs everything is on the list! It’s completely normal! I’m not saying this new found revelation is going to make me love every big of my body. I’d like to be more toned on my legs and my tum but I don’t want to obsess over it any more. All this said I have friends who either have or are recovering from eating disorders, it’s not the same thing at all. They’re ill and it takes a long time to get better from an eating disorder, I hope that I can help them feel more positive about at least one part of their bodies.

People will nag at me about what I eat, what I do, what I wear I just want to say IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I’m going to eat what I enjoy, wear what I feel comfortable. I also make a big deal out of telling people if they look good because it can change someones entire day, it’s not uncommon for me to shout at one of my friends ‘ oh my god your boobs/butt looks great today’ it’s not because I’m gay, it’s because I want people to know that there is always something beautiful about them.

You right there reading this, there is something beautiful about you too, don’t forget it!

Remember,remember the 5th of November…the day that I got off my arse

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Alright so unless you talk to my parents most people will agree that I try and get on and do things (if you’re reading this the dishwasher doesn’t count Mum!), after yesterday’s down day I woke up still in a foul mood..uh oh! I slept in late intentionally so I could try and see if I simply needed sleep to relieve my mood, I was wrong. I don’t know why I get like it really I just get in a foul mood and I can’t shake it no matter how hard I try. In my driving lesson things picked up, I can definately still successfully drive and not crash into anything (always a bonus). Then as the lesson came to an end my mood started to decrease after a few comments. I’m naturally nervous but this wasn’t too much of a problem today. Despite my progress and skills my instructor has made it clear to pass by Janurary I have to do 2 hours a week with him or go all the way back to Basingstoke and drive with my parents, both were pretty silly ideas. It takes me between an hour and two hours to get back to Basingstoke and a return journey is £30.00 roughly which isn’t happening, as well as the expense I moved away to be independent not rely on Mum and Dad. His other suggestion seemed odd, on the one hand I was being told I was a brilliant driver and that I could easily pass my test now on my driving skills. On the other hand here I am being told that I have to have 2 hours a week of lessons (at the lovely price of £40 may I add) or I wont be ready for my test. It makes no sense at all!! So now I’m in the game of attempting to find yet another instructor which is of course great fun.

So I felt slightly put out and not in the best mood to attend the meeting. Toi cut a long story short my lecturers are a great network of support. After a long discussion with my director of studies and a chat with my Literature lecture by chance I have submitted an application to become a full field literature student!! I’m so excited and scared at the prospect and it’ll be a lot of work but hopefully I’ll get my creative writing mojo back if I drop it! It’s very possiblethey will say no this late in the term but I have the full support of my lecturers. If not things have been put in place to make sure I will be a full field Literature student from second year onwards!

In the words of Katy Perry ‘You’re gonna hear me roar’ and that Kingston is what you are going to get.

The return- part two

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Four am is  a wonderful time of the morning, the stars are still out, its calm and it’s quiet. At the same time it gets to 8.45 and you feel like you’ve been up all year. This morning I got up at that unsociable hour to pick up Ali’s older sister from the airport on her long awaited return from travelling! Claire is a few years older than us and shes just gone travelling solo across Asia, something in my eyes which is an incredible achievement. It is lovely to have her home after all these months although all of us will be moving out in the next 2 weeks! (Scary huh?) I got lovely presents over the last two days from holidays, Claire got me a lovely bookmark (which should come in handy with all the books I should be getting for my birthday) and a small clock for my desk at uni. Ali got me a lovely present as well , converse shoes are always a winner for me! 

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Seeing Claire come back from travelling made me get the travel bug again! I watched so many people coming back through with backpacks that I was so desperate to find a plane grab Ali and go and explore. I’m not personally attracted to Asia although it does seem very interesting for me the key to the world is Europe. Europe has so much rich history that I honestly can’t get enough of it. Rome is the first stop, next summer which will be so exciting. The I want to go travelling across Europe for a month, I want to head to Australia and meet my childhood friend (although on this occasion it will more than likely be on my own as long haul flights arn’t Ali’s cup of tea!) and just look around. Once I turn 21 I want to head back to the states to visit New York, Florida and California (top of my list right now). I could list everywhere in the world I want to go but it would take a while. I’m not stupid I know I might not get to see everywhere I want to go but I at least want to try.

Now everyone is back however uni is getting closer and closer and it does feel very weird. I only have 10 days (well 9 now seeing at it’s night time) until I pack everything up and leave Basingstoke behind. I’ll be honest and tell you that I am in a blind panic half the time, how will I do this? how will I manage that? There are bigger questions like will my student loan come in on time? Will I find my course ok? Will I be able to keep up? I often get the worry that I wont be good enough for university. I have this need to be one of the best or the smartest even though most of the time it doesn’t matter. After speaking to some lovely friends I have I’ve been assured that they too are waking up with butterflies and feeling a bit sick while battling with the excitement of it all. If I’m honest as long as I have Ali and a supportive group of friends I should get along just fine. I already know that Kingston have a great support network in many different ways but it is still really daunting.