Tag: blog

January payday/meday

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Hello you lovely lot!

It may not seem obvious to you guys but I’ve had a lovely hair cut and I’m feeling better. I have been struggling a little and just feeling a little out of place, slightly but not too much luckily. So today I was feeling a bit off and irritated after seeing a poorly Eleanor (feel better soon El!) I trecked into town to have a browse…that became an expensive browse.

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I ended up getting myself a new jumper from River Island (£25.00), Elle magazine because well who doesn’t love Kiera Knightly, Humans of New York book (which I was BEYOND excited to find), some more books…which Ali doesn’t know about so shush! Basically it was pay day and I felt like I deserved the treat because I have been working hard and even if my attendance at uni has slipped I’m still trying and that’s the main thing.

So what else? Sometimes I worry about what I put on this blog, I wonder whether I should do more themed days or write what I feel or plan? I’m really not sure because I do want this to be a good blog and as ever if you have any ideas/things you like please,please,please! Tell me in the comments or tweet me, even email, I love hearing from you guys.
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January book haul…Oops 

I’ve also realised it’s nearly February, feels like it’s only just been christmas but whatever. So I have a lot going on, band wise it’s pretty quiet but other parts of my life not so much. I have assignments to hand in, birthdays to prepare for, reading week, lots of work, kerrang tour! It’s going to be an exciting month and hopefully a good one.

I realise I haven’t spoke too much about how I am right now and some of you are kind enough to ask. I’m doing okay, better than I was before christmas but still a little…unsure? I’m getting there though and the band is busier than ever, I’m on top of assignments so hopefully I’ll start to feel a little bit more relaxed and happier.

As always thank you SO, SO much for stopping by to read this 🙂

Trying to be ‘perfect’

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We all want to be ‘perfect’, come on you know that in some way you do whether that be career, family, image or anything like that. I’ve been back at uni for two weeks and the familiar anxieties have started to creep in, am I doing enough? Am I going to get a good degree? Will I be able to get onto MA? Will I be able to get a job? Theses are things a lot of students think about a lot of the time, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

I’ve been musing over what to write for the past two days when I received a notification that Hannah Gale had just written a post about trying to be the best, in the low mood I was in I was curious. I started to read and I couldn’t stop, Hannah had just put it all in perspective for me. Although I’ve never met her I just wanted to hug her and go YES SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL! I’m constantly putting pressure on myself to best the best, to try and be just a little bit perfect, but that doesn’t work for me.

I always put pressure on myself to do well, I don’t know where it comes from because I’ve never had those kinds of pushy parents. My Mum’s words for me were ‘do what makes you happy, if you’re happy I’m happy’ and so I chose everything I have today, she never forced me to do anything despite visiting Kingston endless times with me so I could be sure she just wanted me to be happy. None of my family have been academics and it’s fair to say that by year 11 no one thought I was going to be an academic, maybe that’s what spurred me on, being the kid who people thought would get no where.

So I work on and on and on. Everyone tells me to take a break but I just have such high standards for myself, all the time. I don’t regret it but I’m learning to love myself a bit more which for me means not being so hard on myself. Not getting angry when I have a low or don’t do as well as I planned or have to stay in bed because I’m sick. After pushing myself for years and being that kind of person it’s hard but step by step I’m getting there. I’m planning trips around Europe, writing again and honestly trying to get through the hurdles as best I can.

One day I’ll let go of ‘perfect’ and 100% appreciate happy for what it is.

Working on it, thoughts, plans and blogging

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Yay for motivational slightly girly looking quotes! I thought a lot today about what I wanted my blog to be. I’m not a girly blogger or really interested in fashion, to be fair if I posted what I was wearing every day you would all get pretty bored I think…other than the awesome T-Shirts (oh Primark you are so good to me). I don’t know where exactly I fit in the blogging world after all this blog is a year and a half old now, so shouldn’t I know?

I had today off and realised I wrote nothing yesterday, then panicked a little. So I went to town bought some new notebooks and a few books…opps. I wanted to feel like I was doing something rather than looking at my laptop. So I started thinking am I writing what you guys want to read? Will I ever get a huge following? Am I interesting at all?!? Let’s face it, we all want to know that what we’re writing is actually being read. Then I stopped myself, I blog for me mainly and I’m starting to figure out what you guys like too. You all love lists apparently, which is fine with me because I’m a little obsessed with them.

So I decided I would write today, although I didn’t know what on. I wanted to write about Leelah Alcorn, something I am working on, but I need to find the right words which haven’t happened yet. I also told myself to stop freaking out because I missed one day. So I started googling things to make me think or just quotes I liked and I found this one, about doing things.

It’s kind of what I’m doing step by step, take last night for example. Last night was the first night I had spent completely alone since halls last year and I was ok. I was a little lonely going to sleep because I like cuddles but I was pretty good. I read for a long time, got some cleaning done, saw my friend Joe. So instead of thinking I can’t stay in this flat alone I changed it to a can, and I’m bloody ecstatic about it. As for the dreams into plans thing, I’m working on that I’m focused on my future, my band, my well being and a project I’m working on.

Basically I’m working on it.

Note: This image was found online and I do not own the rights.

Writer life.

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I’d love to tell you all that all I do in life is write. That would be lying. I wish I could get up in the morning, open my laptop with a cup of tea and write page upon, page of an amazing novel which will sell millions of copies. That said I do write every day on this blog, songs, lists, notes. The most important part of that is the song writing.

When I can’t deal with life and I’m spiralling or even if I feel really happy I pick up a pen, or my laptop and I just put the pain (or lack of it) onto paper. I have a box of old lyrics books, scribbled notes here and there and if you go through either my room here or at home you’ll find diaries, old stories and piles of lyrics. I don’t know why but writing to me is one of the most incredible and liberating thing. If I want, no one will ever see some of the things I have written or everyone could.

Do I want to write something that would be a best seller? Of course I do. I don’t know if it will ever happen, but I might try. I might end up sitting in the uni library in the silence for hours and come out with nothing worth reading to anyone else. It’s just for me.

The songs are a different matter. I put the words on to paper and everyone who comes to our shows will hear what I feel. Some songs, like Breaking Point, are something I came up with because of the people around me and then later people I imagined, other songs are entirely different. If you look at Good Enough, which I was immensely proud of, it was really personal and the newest songs that we’re working on are even more so. It’s taken a year for me to not feel sick when I sing the boys my ideas for the first time, because it’s so personal to me. I know how ‘artistic’ of me, but this is me pouring my heart on to a page.

I don’t know what it is but I wrote a post ages ago, life through my fingers, about how it was the only way to make myself feel better. I said playing Piano wasn’t like writing and it’s not but I was wrong in some aspects. When I write some things, like this, I just write whatever and that how almost every creative thing of mine starts, I don’t think too hard at first. That’s a trait that used to get me in so much trouble during Art lessons at school, nearly 5 years since my GCSEs and I’m still like it…and why I didn’t take Art any further.

Writing, in all it’s beautiful ways is tiring, frustrating, liberating…sometimes everything.

My Big Mouth: Zoella who? Ghost Writers should get credit!

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Publishers Penguin has said Zoe 'Zoella' Sugg, 24, 'did not write the book Girl Online on her own,' but did not confirm that the sales success was ghostwritten

Teen Blogger Zoella with a copy of Girl online (photo belongs from Daily Mail Website).

 Teen blogger Zoella Sugg was in headline this week after her debut book had outsold J.K Rowling. For someone so young an inexperienced to beat a much loved author means this young girl must have some talent…except penguin have now announced that the novel was not written by Zoella, instead by a ghost writer, although jumping to Zoella’s defence her fans are content because she came up with the plot.

For a long time the thought of ghost writers have upset and angered me. The process of writing a book (especially one to sell this many copies upon release) makes me feel very disappointed as a writer.  I have hundreds of ideas in my head for plots, if someone managed to create that into an incredible novel, I’d be a little peeved but I wouldn’t say nope it’s all mine. The hours of writing it takes to create a novel (and believe me I’ve tried) is something that deserves recognition. While some fans claim she was honest about it the whole way through and that means it’s ok. What about the author! Could this not have been a collaborative effort? Instead of simply putting Zoella’s name on the cover why not the names of both of them?

In my opinion this sends out a bad message to kids, if you have an idea get someone else to do the hard work for you and then get all the attention and money from it. It’s not how the real world works, a world of hard work and determination and yet we are willing to look the other way, I for one am not. Another famous name to have her own novel is model Katie Price, a.k.a Jordan. Katie brings out a new book every few years and ,like Zoella, claims that she only comes up with the plot and lets someone else write if for her. We’re not talking about getting help on an autobiography but writing novel after novel and putting her own name on them as well as getting the profits for it.

Glamour model Katie Price has published numerous books under her name,

all of which have been ghostwritten (image from Daily Mail website). 

While many call on me for being too harsh on Zoella and can’t understand why I get irritated by this news I say to them take the best piece of work you’ve ever done, now imagine someone else gave you that idea and they get all the credit. Doesn’t feel too great does it? Writers don’t choose to have their own name abolished form a creation but they do it because they want their work out there and it’s damn hard for authors to do. I will say this though, to the real author of Girl Online, I hope you go on to get the recognition you deserve.

Struggle

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Life isn’t always easy, any idiot can tell you that. I’m writing just a little bit tonight because, again, I haven’t been doing so good. Every time this happens I feel like I’m letting you all down, myself down, the band. I’ve been slipping lately as have my relationships, attendance and general health. In short I’ve been unhappy for a few weeks and therefore all over the place.

Basically I just haven’t been myself, back to the Doctors and we’ve adjusted my plan again, it’s something I need to do but it doesn’t mean I’m completely happy about it. I just feel like these struggles are constant and I need a break, but the thing is with depression, you don’t get one. It’s an illness and as much as I hate it it’s there and I can’t just wave a wand and get rid of it, who knows maybe that would make it worse. You need to know sadness and pain to be truly happy, which means when I am happy I really appreciate it more.

Tonight and yesterday we’re a bit of a meltdown, missing my lecture because of a panic attack and then again today having a panic attack at band practice…I haven’t had one of those in well over a year, maybe two. It’s tough, it’s scary when your having one but I’m going to be ok, I hope. Also I’m not the only one stressed and worried at the moment, every one I know is a little stressed about deadlines or just life in general, it makes it a little better and makes me feel like less of a freak.

I just wanted to let you know, I might be a little bit scatty but hopefully the changes in my plan will make things better, all I ask is my lovely followers give me a bit of time.

 

Being honest

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I always want to be honest with you all about how I am. This blog isn’t just about university but also about mental health. At the moment the pressure is building from assignments, readings and getting half way through second year already. It’s not that things are going badly, not at all but I just haven’t been feeling like myself. Lows can last anything from a few hours to a few weeks and the past week hasn’t been my best, it’s been tough and a lot of things have suffered because of it but I’m going to be ok. I have great people around me and I can get back on track once this is over and done with. I have been hurt recently, I’ve doubted myself and the people around me but hey, it’s great song writing material haha.

If I want to do anything I want to make this blog honest. Today is where things have picked up a little talking to friends and feeling a little more in control, as well as knowing I’m not the only one who’s stressed out right now. We’ll get through this, together. I also got to laugh today, a lot and have another gig to look forward to. I’m trying to take this one little step at a time.

Oh and my interview with The Guardian made it in too, check the link here 

My Big Mouth: ‘Boy or Girl?’

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While out with my sister today I was really surprised by a gender division issue when shopping for the most ridiculous things. When trying to buy a birthday badge we were asked oh is it for a male or female, after saying female we were given a pink badge instead of being told colours (never mind the fact this girl is a tomboy). Then again later in the day going for a bite to eat I ordered my sister a kids meal and was asked is the meal for a boy or a girl, again I answered girl and was given an incredibly feminine toy instead of a much cooler car/plane toy which actually did things.

I’m not going on a feminist rant here but it seems really trivial to give girls pink and boys blue. As a kid I may have had a barbie bedroom but I wanted action men too and while the boys played Army in the woods, I was the leader of that army. Even now, it’s only in the last year I’ve been considered ‘one of the girls’ instead of ‘one of the lads’.

I’ve known this divide exists for a long time but twice in one day? Oh and my little cousin saying he wanted a ‘boys colour’ not a ‘girls colour’, I thought that in 2014 we could let kids be what they wanted to be. I’m not saying get rid of all pink and blue and pretend all toys are gender neutral, they’re not. Most, not all, of the time boys will go for Nerf guns over a doll but then girls also became interested and now there are pink ones. With flowers on. I’m sorry what? Another example I saw via Facebook was of a 5 year old boys Frozen themed party, he loved it but other parents thought it was wrong for him to have the theme, deeming it girly. Since when? There isn’t a little kid I know that hasn’t watch Frozen and there are guys in it, Olaf the Snowman is supposedly male…well for a snowman. So why the hell are these kids being told what to like?

I’m hoping that by the time I have kids, way into the future (sorry Mum) people will respect my wishes to let them play with whatever they want. I don’t want to have a girl and smother her in pink or a boy who is only given blue, maybe I won’t tell people at all so I wont get things that are ‘suitable’ for either. I respect parents who let their kids play with what they want and what makes them happy because isn’t that all kids want, to be happy?

Something chocolaty this way comes…

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Ok so the plan tonight was to put my robe on, head out to a party and be more than a little bit hungover tomorrow. Seeing as I’m writing this you can all work out that it didn’t happen. I do love Halloween, even more when I’m in the US *cough* Mum and Dad *cough*, Tonight though I knew the drill, cheap drinks, expensive entry, awful chat up lines and long queues. Until this morning I was totally up for doing all that and having fun, then I thought about it and I honestly couldn’t be bothered after being up early for work today and having a load of stuff to do tomorrow.

I do slightly wish I was out tonight but at the same time I know it wouldn’t have done me any favours. I’ve had an exhausting week and my moods are just starting to become stable again after almost a week of dropping in the first place. Luckily the boys don’t seem to mind, Ali likes the company and the girls all have their own plans.

I do have loads to look forward to, other than the pile of chocolate and sweats I bought with the money I was going to use for tonight. It’s Ali’s 21st in 2 days!!!!! Then Joe’s and then I can finally start a real Christmas countdown. Taking it one step at a time, but so does having an excuse to buy bags of chocolate 😉

Happy Halloween folks! However you’re celebrating!

On the inside

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It’s been a while since I’ve written about mental health, one of the many reasons I started this blog. I haven’t really had much to complain about lately, a job I love, a course I love, friends, my boyfriend and everything else I’ve been writing to you all about. Sometimes you can get swept up in all the good things and get a little over confident, something I’ve dealt with a few times in my life.

I spoke to a friend tonight who thankfully understands this, she’s one of the nicest people I know and also deals with mental health on a daily basis. It was a relief to talk to someone who understands. So much is going right in my life that people don’t understand that the depression doesn’t just go away, if only it was that easy. I’m dealing with a lot of new things and although everything is great sometimes I’m still sad. There are times where it’s for no reason what so ever I get ill, I’m angry ,irritable and teary. I got overwhelmed at a work training session today, it was lovely to see everyone but it just felt too much.

Sometimes I get angry with myself over this, especially when it influences other people, Ali in particular. It isn’t his fault I’ve had a long day and I’m tired and irritable but I unleash this monster, stomp around and I’m not very pleasant to be around. It takes a special kind of person to willingly live with a person with a mental health problem especially when things can change so rapidly.

I’m ok I can promise that but sometimes no matter how well everything is going I have dips, it’s only natural.