Tag: anxiety

Where has the year gone?!?!

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Tomorrow I have my last lecture of first year English Literature. Last week my favourite module ‘Deabtes in Literature’ had its last lecture, tomorrow it will be for Writing and Rhetoric and that’s all my lectures for first year over. I didn’t realise when I signed up that it was 2 teaching blocks and one purely for exams/assignments and so it is a bit of a shock.

It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was packing up my things, nervous as hell and wondering how on earth I was going to get through the first year and now I only have a week and 3 months until I pack everythin away and had back to Basingstoke for a summer. Most people are planning on going home as soon as classes end, for me that would be the 21st March but Kingston can’t get away from me that esaily! I still have so much planned, a flat to find, assignments to write, my teaching job is 15 days between April and the end of June. I’m hoping to be working for the uni again if my interview goes well, fingers crossed!

I don’t really want this year to end, aside from not really feeling that good about the halls situation and my struggles with Creative Writing I’ve loved first year. I have friends, adventures and a whole different life here. I’m kind of a different person to who I was before and that’s okay. I’m more aware of my illness and how to manage it, I have more of an idea about myself I think and Kingston has helped a lot.

I makes me upset that in a mere few months a third of my degree will be done. As excited as I am at the thought of going into second year I’m bloody terrified too. The work will be uppsed, I’ll be living with Ali for the first time and I’ll be managing bills, a job hopefully as well as trying to keep the blog going. It’s easy, if I think too much, to get overwhelmed by this in an instant, to start to freak out and lose sleep, which I previously would have. I am working through ways of not letting things get on top of me and trying to keep my anxieties under control. 

So now I’m sitting here with part of next year reading list and taking a good go at it but for once I’m not rushing to start second year. Yes it’s me and I will do additional reading over the summer, I’ll try and get ahead but no in such an urgent way. I’m pretty happy just being at uni and taking my time a little more. Now I’m not saying I’m at peace and calm now, my anxiety has been a bitch for the past week but right now I’m just hoping I can appreciate what I have left of first year.

Anxious, anxious, anxious

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This week I got a great response from writing about living with disabilities at university and it was such a great boost to not only hear from people online but also to speak to people at university about it. The problem is that no matter how much positive feedback I get, it doesn’t make the illness disappear. Today has been filled with anxiety, tiredness and just general stress. Waking up hungover didn’t really help anything but I was still in a pretty good mood after chatting to Dan and then kissing Ali before I hopped on the bus. 

At this point I’d already made up my mind that I wasn’t going to my Creative Writing lecture later on. I was in a bad mood, I’d been feeling anxious since the night before and all I really wanted was my bed, not to have to sit and fake a smile in a lecture that if I’m honest I just didn’t want to be in. Creative Writing is just becoming too much for me at the moment, I’m not enjoying myself and I’m counting down until it’s all going to be done. 

So I spent the afternoon alone watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother before going back up to Kingston Hill for a spontaneous trip to visit Ali’s new amp case (long story, too long to explain). I didn’t feel great, but I felt better being around him until my anxiety got the better of me. I’m not the easiest person to be around when I’ve been jumpy, combine that with tiredness and I’m a pain in the arse really.After things had calmed down we hugged and I tried to explain why I’d been so irritated. This is the thing about Ali and I, we get each other and not in a gooey romantic kind of way, in a you learn these things about each other way. 

I’m still feeling pretty crappy and I’m not going to do much else tonight. Off to bed I go. 

Living with a ‘disability’

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As far as I was concerned when I applied to university I wasn’t disabled, I’d never been disabled and I just had to get on with my life in the best way possible.Little did I know I’d suffered with at least one disability my entire life. Now I’ve written before about being Dyslexic but I haven’t really gone into detail about how it can impact on my life at uni or otherwise. The majority of people here and at home that are friends with Ali and I are shocked and sometimes don’t believe me when I say I’m registered with the Dyslexia and Disability department, they ask me why and sometimes still make their own assumptions about if I’m ‘really’ disabled.

It’s a funny word that I never really use about myself. When most people hear the word disability they think of something physical, a wheelchair, a walking aide, a white stick are all a lot easier to understand. Depression and Anxiety isn’t visible and I have gone for years with some people not having a clue. As with the Dyslexia, I went nearly 15 years in the education system without it being picked up that I was not only Dyslexic but severely Dyslexic and not just stupid as I had thought. Both of my ‘disabilities’ are mental, I explain a lot that it’s not uncommon for someone with a mental health condition to wish it was physical, people understand that.

So I wanted to use today’s blog to talk about some of the common misconceptions about disability as a student and how my life is impacted by BOTH of them.

1. People with Dyslexia only have problems reading or writing

This is a HUGE misconception that simply needs a little bit more education. Whilst I was at school it was thought I couldn’t be Dyslexic as I was in the top class for English. Although my CAT scores were lower and I constantly struggled with little things like paragraphing, punctuation and spelling it wasn’t really looked in to. Even at uni some of my seminar leaders admit they know nothing about Dyslexia and if I ‘try a bit harder’ I might pick up these things. Dyslexia has a massive spectrum for me my weaknesses are processing information, spelling (I will change a whole sentence if I can’t spell a word sometimes), grammar, basic skills and the speed in which I do things.  

2. Depressed people don’t have fun, they’re constantly unhappy

This just isn’t true for the majority of depressed people. There are flickers of light even in your darkest days but because of the way you’re thinking it’s just harder to see them. I’m out of the darkest part but on a low I find it hard to think positively. With gentle encouragement and time there can be good days for someone with Depression. We can be fun too!! 

3. You’d know if you were dyslexic

I found out I was dyslexic at 19 years old studying for a degree in English Literature. I knew I struggled a lot but it was my tutor who suggested getting a test. A lot of things make sense now as to WHY I struggled. 

4. You don’t need a fancy new laptop from the government for uni

There is a lot of jealousy over disabled students because we get DSA (Disabled Student Allowance). I have been insulted many times saying that I don’t need help. I do get help in the form of a dyslexia tutor and a mental health mentor. I got a laptop, programming, a printer and a voice recorder to help me with my studies because sometimes I struggle. There are people who play the system to get what they want but it’s not all of us!! I hate being accused of being a ‘scrounger’ by people who spend all their student loan on booze. I’m really grateful that I got the help I did because it makes life SO much easier!

5. Anxiety is just a part of life

I was actually told this after my diagnosis by a member of staff who I believe thought I was lying. Yes anxiety is a part of life but living with it is different. The most minor things will make you fret and worry constantly, losing concentration, sleep and generally making you quite poorly. That is anxiety, trust me.

6. It’s all attention seeking

No. Just no.

7. You can’t have a learning difficulty, you’re smart

8. Why do you get money? It’s not really fair is it?

Going back to number 4, I don’t get direct payments but some people do to help them cover costs. I have an amount for extra books, ink, etc. Just think if you became disabled wouldn’t you find that help a relief? I certainly do, it means I don’t put unnecessary worry or strain on myself or those around me and can get the help I need.

9. How do your disabilities affect your day to day life

More than you may think! In terms of dyslexia, it effects my reading, writing, spelling, memory, processing things quickly (which makes exams horrible), the time it takes for me to do things, my driving (I’m on my 4th test now) which really bugs me. I’m learning to adapt to it. My Depression/Anxiety makes me a worrier, can put me on a low where I’m really unmotivated, can make me irritable, tired an honestly can mean I’m not a great person to be around. Occasionally I’ll have to miss a day of class because I’m feeling that crappy. I’m lucky that I have a good group of people who understand around me.

10. Is it hard?

Yes. It can be but I wouldn’t change it…well most of the time anyway. I find ways to get around things, to smile and carry on to the best I can. Now I understand why I struggle with certain things and for me that’s great! I can learn how to fix them 🙂

So there it is, hopefully some questions have been answered. If you have any more PLEASE! comment below or tweet me!

Getting ready to head back.

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While many of us are getting excited about seeing friends again, the miracle of Student Loan and being able to order pizza at 3am there is one thing that stands in our way. Packing. As many of my regular readers will know my anxiety has been peeking for the last week or so, the thought of going back to halls of residence hasn’t filled me with much joy. If anything it’s made the whole issue of going back to uni worse. 

The problem is that when I’m stressed my mind goes into overdrive. I can’t sit still and I begin to get anxious and panic and then I start to have an anxiety/panic attack. I turn into someone I don’t recognise and say things I don’t mean. I do my best to avoid stress and put things in place so that if I’d under a lot of pressure I can deal with it but sometimes, like today, there isn’t a lot I can do. The reason for all this stress? Packing and going back to being alone in my flat. While I’ve made plans for in the week tomorrow night is going to be pretty tough and I know that. I’m hoping that the box of chocolates I have left over from Christmas might make it a little bit better. 

I’m hoping that once the worst is over I can try and see things in a more positive light. I have a wonderful boyfriend, some brilliant friends and a band that I’m going to be proud of. There is also talk of finding me some alternative housing in the next month and I’m realising that’s ok. I gave Seething Wells a really good try but when my health is involved I need to seriously consider what to do about it. So I might be writing to you guys again about packing for a move once again! We’ll see. 

Right now I’m going to catch up on publishing a few other posts I’ve missed and have my last night in a quiet room for a change! 

Poison, thank you and goodnight!

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As many of you know music is something that is incredibly important to me. I’ve been performing since I was around seven years old so the sudden anxiety attack at sound check tonight kind of threw me off guard.  After a truly awful sound check where I forgot most of my words, it’s safe to say I was a little upset. Ok, try absolutely freaking out. It’s been well over a month since I’ve performed and coming back to Basingstoke wasn’t helping my nerves. 

As we watched the other musicians I started to relax as well as freak out (an odd combination). I had the honour of watching my beautiful friend Nicole play and she writes such stunning music you can’t help but relax and enjoy it. 

In the end the night went incredibly well and the new songs got great feedback. As a result I was quite angry with myself because despite ALWAYS getting stupidly nervous, I hadn’t had a proper panic/anxiety attack in quite a while. I think it’s because of a pressure I feel to prove that we can move on from For All That Goes. As stupid as it sounds the break up really made me doubt myself as a musician and generally as a person so this gig meant a lot to me. 

So now there will be no more under 18 nights at Poison due to it being closed and it upsets me as I have good memories of the place. So really this is an entry about moving on I suppose. I’m hoping that I wont be as panicked next time and instead I will be excited next time I perform which will be open mic night… let’s wait and see! 

That piece of the puzzle that just doesn’t quite fit

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I’ve been at home since Friday. The up side is that I can sleep in late and get an early night if I want too, the down side is that it gives you a lot of time to think. I’ve known for a long while that I don’t normally fit in with people my age but I thought university would be different. 

The easiest way to say this is that I don’t see my childhood best friends, I still speak to one of them but she lives in Australia meaning it’s hard to talk or see each other. Everyone talks about people they’ve known since they were children I don’t really have that any more apart from Grace who I met in year 5/6, she’s a year younger than me. Similarly for Secondary I never had one best friend, each year we’d drift apart and I’d start again the following September. I still speak to one or two people from school on a semi regular basis but not really enough to say we’re best friends. As for college? My so called best friend got whipped and decided that our 3 1/2 year friendship wasn’t worth anything and has nothing to do with me anymore. 

I started to think that I was a bad person, it must be my fault that I don’t have a best friend and then I went to Uni. There isn’t one student I don’t get along with. I may be honest with people but I am certainly not a bitch. So I have friends, flat mates and few people who I consider very close if not best friends but I’m always paranoid about if it will last. There are very few consistent friends I have had through my life Grace, Lucy B, Jordan, Erin and Ali are the names that spring to mind I never have to try around them we just pick up where we left off. I know I sound confusing here and I am confused. The only person who I ever feel totally in sync with is Ali and that’s why we’re always best friends first. 

The problem is that now I have to make new friends and I do but I just feel different. The girls talk about things like make up and hair stuff, something I know absolutely nothing about. There aren’t many boys around to talk to at the moment either and the ones I am good friends with are on different courses mostly. I just feel like I should have made a group of friends and should be going out a lot, unfortunately I spend way too much time in my room. 

 

So as I’m writing this I’m trying to put my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in place. I have to try and realise why I feel this way and if possible how to change it. So here we go blog readers I’ll share this moment with you. 

Anxiety – I haven’t made a close group of friends 

             – Coming home has made me upset as I have only seen a handful of friends and had them talk to me since moving

             – I feel like I’ve missed out when I don’t have many people who can visit me at uni 

Solution?  

            – Remind myself that it has only been 6 weeks, I have 3 years! 

           – Keep talking to people

Anxiety – I don’t go out as much as everyone else

Solution – I have asked my flat mate if I can try going out with her and her friends more as I’ve had a good time before

               – Call Bekkie tomorrow and have a chat

 

Anxiety – I messed up my hair today 

Solution – Attempt to fix it with mum tomorrow

 

So there you go I’ve tried working through it, I already feel more positive oddly enough! 

Feeling inbetween

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It isn’t often that I pour my heart into this blog, generally speaking I really think about what I’m going to write. Tonight it’s more of a need to write more than anything. I’ve found that University doesn’t solve everything, it makes you think even more about things. Since being home I’ve just felt this kind of restlessness about it all. When I’m at home I just want to be at uni but when I’m at uni I’m unsure and miss home. I want to be the girl everyone loves and wants to be around. I desperately want to go on nights out and have endless friends and to some extent I do. I always know someone where ever I go at uni, the only exception to this is on the bus, where I go to escape some times. The majority of the time I love uni but sometimes I get agitated, sometimes I get bored and wonder why I’m paying so much money or why I pay rent for halls when about 3 times a week it’s impossible to sleep. After that the sensible part reminds me that I’m over reacting and to think of all the good points again and how hard I worked to be here. 

My mind never stops, I’ll debate all of this every other day and I’ll never get the same conclusion. I want to go out, I want to just have fun like everyone else but sometimes I can’t. Yes I’ll admit that I’ve been poorly and just as the anxiety settles down and I’m ready for a night out my kidneys flare up and I’m stuck with anxiety again. I think I need to make myself go out, who knows I might even enjoy it but it’s the initial going that is the problem. I hate to feel like I’m blaming my illness but my anxiety does make simple things that little bit harder to deal with. I also have an issue of being ahead, I’ve spend so long working independently that in first year working with others is proving really difficult for me. At college I was normally 2 or 3 assessments ahead of everyone else and sometimes I can’t do that here and it is really hard. I don’t know if this is just a part of me or if it’s linked to my illness or both, I try really hard not to relate absolutely everything to what I have because then you just become a stereotype or a label, something I don’t want to be. 

I wrote this because sometimes I just need to let it all out and this is how I do it. I hope this could help someone else at some point as well. I love uni but sometimes I don’t. I love home but sometimes I need to get away. I feel like I’m going insane but maybe that’s normal for a student. I’ll keep plodding along as see how I go. Let’s just say this is going to be a very long year full of ups and downs….