Tag: anxiety

Mental Health, my story so far

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So, to kick start Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I would share with you my own personal mental health journey. I’ve written a lot on this blog about how I live with my mental health, what helps me and some of the not so great times.

If you don’t know me or my blog hello and welcome! I’m Chloe, a 22-year-old blogger, graduate, writer, musician and mental health campaigner. I’ve been living with Depression and Anxiety diagnosed since I was 18 but undiagnosed from around 15 (it took a long time to get a diagnosis).

I’ve had quite a lot of time to think about myself and the fact that I am more than an illness, more than a diagnosis. I struggled throughout my teenage years for a lot of reasons, I was bullied a lot which definitely kick started my illness. I spent a lot of time isolated and desperately unhappy, with no professional help. That was pretty shit. Moving on to college I was slightly better with a new start but still struggling with my mental health, I did have some councilling at the time and sought out my diagnoses, which I got at the age of 18.

Little after that, I went to university after starting my first trial of medication, freaking out and not taking it (not something I’d recommend). I spent my first year pretty sick and being incredibly unhealthy with my mental health, I’d spend days locked in the dark of my room alone, not eating and avoiding people. Towards the end of that year I went back on medication because I was at a really low point, where everyone had noticed.

For my second and third year I was better with the help of my mentor who I had talking therapy with once a week for 3 years. I also started to speak out more about my mental health and working towards educating others, I was also lucky enough to make a speech (watch here) which made my passion even stronger.

I will admit I’ve had a really rough time in the past year since graduating with figuring out who I am, getting used to not having the professional support I had at uni, trying to work on being a graduate and getting used to new doctors (not my fave).

So, that’s a little bit about me. My illness is a part of me, but not all of me. I’m hoping you’re going to enjoy this week. If you have any questions for me drop me a comment below, email me at chloefmetzger@gmail.com, or tweet me @chloemetzger. I can’t wait to hear from you all!

Saturday Night

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So guys what are you all up to on this wild Saturday night, a Bonfire Night party, a crazy night out on the town, start with drinks and see where it goes. Or maybe you’re like me, curled up and seeing pictures flick up on Instagram and Twitter. I’m not usually one for FOMO, but occasionally I just feel this guilt as a 20 something that I should be doing amazing things. That I should be going WAHOOOO PARTY FUN. That isn’t me though.

I’ve struggled for the past few years with this sense of guilt. When I was in my first university I went to a club once, had a panic attack, left on my own and curled up with a magazine, finally happy. In second year I went out and drank so much that my anxiety was temporarily forgotten and I became someone else. In third year I had the excuse of my back to curl up in the flat and sleep.

Now I’ve left uni I’ve realised that for the majority of the time I don’t care. When I work Monday-Friday I don’t want to spend every weekend spending the money I earn on watered down alcohol in a place with awful music , getting drunk to push away my anxiety and then regretting it the following day. I completely understand that going out partying is what some people love to do, but I love to sleep. I love going out at the weekend and exploring something, seeing family or spending some quality time with Ali.

I guess I’m writing this because I know how lonely I’ve felt seeing everyone’s snaps and weekend fun, and then the sadness that I’m ‘not fun enough’ because that’s not what I find fun. I know that there are so many people who feel this way too, who love to just chill out or do something that doesn’t revolve around alcohol. You’re not alone and you know what, we’re pretty cool too.

More Than My Diagnosis – World Mental Health Day 2016

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A lot is weighted on a diagnosis. Your key to treatment, to medication and help in general but it’s also a word or group of words that can carry opinions and stigma. When I was first diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, I couldn’t say it out loud for a long time. I was terrified of what it meant, what people would say and how they would react. I got my diagnoses a month before I started university and of course, I got the usual, people trying to tell me all I needed was a change in lifestyle, people saying that it was ‘just life’ and people who avoided me after I did build up the courage to tell them. It’s a word, just a damn word but people judge you and your whole life. I am more than just a word, we are all more than what it says on a bit of paper and we can’t forget that. We need to educate people that we need to be more open-minded and that one word, a few words don’t make a person. We are more

We are more and we are not afraid.

What I’ve Learnt From My First 3 Months Full Time Work

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As of yesterday I have spent three months in full time employment, dealing with rush hour, meetings, responsibility and more. It’s definitely been a learning curve, there have been laughs, tears (of exhaustion mostly), excitement and stress. I work with a group of amazing people too who have taught me a lot. So, I wanted to share with you what it’s been like going from university student  to full time Marketing Executive.

It’s nothing like univeristy. 

Work and university are completely different. Do I think my degree prepared me for work? No. With university you have so much time to get things done, you’re not in much and mostly you just have to read and make notes when you’re not there. There’s a lot more to do at work and there’s something to do every day. It’s a different kind of pressure when you’re studying.

It’s a lot more tiring than I first thought. 

I drive about 40 minutes to work, work all day and then drive 40 minutes back before doing whatever else I need to do. For the first month I was absolutely exhausted and crying out for sleep, but now I’m getting used to it and getting myself more organised. That said, it never gets easier to get out of bed in the morning.

I’ve had to work through my anxiety, but I’m better for it. 

For the first week I was an anxious mess. I was so nervous about doing a good job, talking to people and hanging out. I haven’t had a choice but to overcome that, I still struggle with my anxiety, but I’ve definitely become more confident in the job.

It’s great having a job you look forward to going into. 

I really enjoy my job and I’m lucky. I actually look forward to going into the office, seeing everyone and just feeling like I’m making a difference to the company.

You never stop learning. 

I’m learning so much constantly and that makes me feel that I made the right decision about not studying a masters.

Don’t be afraid to ask.

I found out quickly that asking questions is crucial, particularly as I went into an industry I didn’t know much about. My colleagues were always happy to answer my questions and it saved time in the long run rather than me going away getting it wrong and having to do something again.

Write things down.

I’m now known around the office for always having my notepad with me, taking notes is never a bad thing.

It’s about constant improvement. 

I have monthly meetings with my manager and these are to talk about how things are going generally, set targets and talk about how I’m going to improve. It gives me focus and something to aim for. Steadily I’m being given more responsibility as I prove that I’m capable of it.

What were/are your experiences of going from uni to work? Any tips and tricks? Leave them in the comments below!

 

 

Work and Mental Health

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I’ve now been working for a month a month of huge change for me. Now, I have been anxious about leaving university and joining the ‘real world’ for months. Terrified of the impact it would have on my mental health as well as trying to adjust like a ‘normal person’. I’ve been very open and honest about my mental health online, because I want to share my story and to encourage others. In my interviews to work with Exonar I spoke about the blog, the mental health work and campaigning I’ve done because I’m proud of it. I’ve never hidden it but I don’t about it. I also know that my colleagues occasionally read my blog, they’ve told me which was both nerve wracking and exciting. Luckily I work with wonderful and understanding people, they’re read and don’t treat me any different.

Of course, I’ll always be honest, there have been days in the past month where I’ve worried that I was starting to slip. My anxiety has been kicking in again and the depression will grab me some days and make me really struggle, but I’ve been living with those kinds of days since I was 15 years old and I know that most of the time they pass sooner or later. It doesn’t mean that the lows are nicer to deal with or that the anxiety attacks don’t make me feel like I can’t breathe but I’m doing it, I’m dealing with it the best I can. I got to work, I get stuff done and try and concentrate until it passes. I think the hardest thing is when I’m tired, because I know tiredness is one of the things that makes my depression really hard to deal with, but I’m learning, working and trying to find my feet. The tiredness is something we’re all dealing with, it’s more irritating than not that it makes me more irritable and prone to low mood.

All in all, I’m trying. I know that I have to live with this and with the support of Ali, my family and knowing that I have people I can rely on at work fills me with hope. This illness may never go away but like hell am I going to let it control my life.

 

 

Image from Healthyplace.com

 

 

Overwhelmed.

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Mental illness doesn’t disappear, even when your life is on the up.  Tomorrow is a big day, tomorrow I put some bags and my hamsters in a car go to my parents and start the next part of my life. I’ll pick up my new car (!!) and then in the morning go to my new job that I’ll hopefully have for a long time to come. Everything is on the up, life’s getting better and better but I still find myself at times suffocated by my anxiety and feeling like I can’t breathe. I’m excited and terrified at the same time but it feels like everything is going so fast and I need to hold on to something. I guess this is normal, it’s a normal thing for someone who’s having this much change happening in their life to feel. I do have a bonus, I’m moving closer to my family and as of next weekend I’ll have Ali back by my side. I know everything will be ok and this is just a phase in my life but either way, my anxiety is kicking up a notch and I’m going to make sure I can live with it and not let it take over my life.

Mental Health Awareness Week -Sunday Seven: How YOU can help support someone with a mental illness

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Here’s my final Mental Health Awareness Week post, enjoy!

Be there 

The most important part of my support system was knowing that people were there for me. It didn’t matter if I spoke to them or not, knowing I could pick up the phone and just have someone be there meant the world.

Ask what would help them 

A lot of people say to me that they don’t know how to help someone who has a mental illness. The easiest way to help someone it ask them what they need, sometimes they might just need someone around or a quiet evening to the cinema or something. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know.

Understand that sometimes people just need to be alone 

On the other hand, sometimes a part of the illness means that you just want to be alone. When I was really struggling I locked myself away from friends because I didn’t want them to see me and I just felt exhausted all the times. It isn’t you, it’s just a part of the illness.

Stand up against stigma

Hear someone making a ‘crazy’ joke? See a stereotype of someone with a mental health condition? Or how about the costumes of a ‘mental patient’ that pop up at halloween? Standing up against these portrayals is one way to help.  Also being an ally to those with a mental health condition by supporting rights and in the media is a way to help.

Don’t treat them differently

There’s nothing worse than being treated differently once you tell people you have an illness. We’re still the same people we were before we told you, you don’t need to tiptoe around us or change our relationship because of it.

Keeping inviting them to things! 

This is my pet hate, even if I’ve been on a low or I’ve not accepted the invite before, you never know when will be the day I feel well enough to say yes! There are tough days, but that’s not every day, this kind of goes with the above.

Remember that no matter what, they’re still them inside. 

Don’t forget that, if nothing else.

Image from Pinterest.

 

 

Mental Health Awareness Week : Where I am now?

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I’m a very open person when it comes to talking about mental health, I’ll share my ups and my downs and have been online for 3 years now in the hope that it will help others to talk. It’s been raised more than once whether I worry if being so open will hinder my chances of getting a job, something I’ve written about before. I’m a firm believer of using your past to enhance your present and not being ashamed of who you are. I write about mental health often because I refuse to be ashamed of this part of me and I know that it’s just one part of me! I’m so much more than one diagnoses, I’m a daughter, sister, partner, friend, writer, blogger, musician, book reader, former horse rider, world traveller, the list goes on.

I also think it’s important to take stock of how far I’ve come every now and again, because I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve had. While I’ve been at uni I’ve learnt to deal with depression and anxiety, I’ve learnt methods to stop the thoughts before they get too much. I’ve had jobs that I’ve fallen in love with and have made me genuinely happy and excited to go to work, something I hope to continue. When I started university I wasn’t sure of myself, had very low self confidence and was so, so anxious. I remember trying to go out drinking in a club for the first time and being paralysed with fear, I came home and cried begging to be normal for once. Then in second year I went the opposite way, all my new friends went out a lot and go drunk, I hadn’t had a close group of friends like this so I did that too, even though I was going off of the effects alcohol. It took a long time but now I feel comfortable with myself enough to just tell people I don’t drink  to get drunk, it doesn’t make me happy in the slightest and the people who matter accept this.

When I look at the girl I was on my first day to who I am now I’m impressed with myself. I’ve overcome a lot to get where I am today and that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes have days where I’m low and struggling or nights where I can’t sleep because my mind is going 100 mph. With my sessions with my mentor, blogging, living I’ve learnt and am still learning ways to just live alongside my illness, just like anyone else with an illness would. For three years now I’ve tried to notice what makes it better, what makes it worse and when I just need to step back and breathe for a minute.

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3 years ago the thought of having to get busses and possibly getting lost was enough to send me into a panic attack, this was one of my ways to feel better, sending silly selfies to Ali to make me less anxious. Now I don’t even think twice about busses. 

What I know, and what I want others to know, is that having a mental health condition doesn’t make you any less of a person. Actually, I think what I’ve had to go through has made me a better and stronger person. The hours in A & E when I was a kid checking the bullies hadn’t broken my bones, the sneers from other kids because I was ‘fat, ‘ugly’, a ‘slut’ or ‘couldn’t sing'(none of which were true but to a 15 year old it hurts), the kids who would find my blogs leave comments and then try and embarrass me in class, the fact it was better for my health for me to study from home, the fights, the bruises, everything else they tried to do,  ALL OF IT. People ask if I wish it had never happened, I’ve gotten to the  point now where I think if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be the strong, smart, independent woman I am today. If this didn’t happen it might not have triggered my illness, sure but I choose to look at the positives. Being honest and open about my life and experiences has meant that I’ve met incredible people, made amazing friends, won awards, it’s all about what you do with a shitty situation when you’re well enough.

I had rough times, times where I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and I wondered what was the point. I never want to feel that way again and that’s what drives me. I also want other people not to feel alone and if my blog can show one person that your diagnoses isn’t your life then I’ve done what I wanted to do. Mental illnesses are annoying but they don’t mean that you can’t have a life, it might have to pause for a while but that’s ok, when you’re ready you can take baby steps to put it all back together again.  Right now I’m feeling ok, a little anxious because I don’t know what the future holds but I just remind myself nearly all 3rd years feel that way. All I know is that I’m going back to Basingstoke a different girl to the one who left, one who’s 100% stronger and more kick ass.

Feeling your heart beating – Exercise and Mental Health

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If you’d have told me 5 years ago that I would fall in love with the gym and it would become a kind of therapy I would have laughed at you. I was the clumsy kid who was awful at sports even from the first year of school…I look like a chicken when I run. I also get red, sweaty and gross whenever I do any sort of exercise and so when I tried to go to the gym at my college and beautiful skinny girls were draped over machines posing rather than working out I decided that maybe I wasn’t meant to  do sport, that’s cool. In fact I was more than fine with that fact.

Fast forward to when I found horse riding, I’d been told exercise was really helpful for people with depression but, let me tell you, in my darkest times I just saw myself as a chubby teenager with dodgy knees, you don’t like yourself and you don’t want to be around other people. I basically could go to the school gym, then the college gym, full of kids who couldn’t stand me and the thought of exercising in front of them sent me into a tear filled panic attack at 16. I looked into sports in the first year of university and found nothing that interested me, honestly I think I was so anxious about everything I didn’t let myself even think  about joining a team. By second year I felt more comfortable, signed up for horse riding and fell in love. I worked hard, only ever missing one lesson because I was sick and would always come away feeling lighter. That was a solid 30 minutes of the week where my troubles disappeared I had to work on my body, the horse’s body and making them work together. This was my first taste of exercise making me feel mentally and physically better in a long time.

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When I broke my spine and knew I probably wouldn’t be riding again it broke my heart. Not only had I lost the connection with the horses and my hobby, I’d lost a way to make my mental health better. I was scared, on a lot of painkillers and not ashamed to admit that I did slip back into depression after the accident for a long time. I’d gone from feeling like Jessie the Cowgirl, ready to try jumping and hack across Richmond park in the near future to the news that riding wasn’t going to happen. I still don’t know. It wasn’t until I was fit enough to start going to group physiotherapy in the rehabilitation gym that I found another way to get the hormones pumping and kick my negative thoughts back into gear.

In physio gym no one cares what you look like, everyone has their own struggles and a lot of us had pain while working out. Everything was very slow and most people were 15 years older than me and above. I could try and get into some kind of groove again under the watchful eye of a physiotherapist so my spine didn’t freak out, that was all the way back in November. Now I try and go to the gym weekly, I have the best gym buddy and although I’m still not very fast I’m getting there step by step. I left the gym after a session today with the biggest smile, in part because of my dazzling company and the other because I was covered in sweat and happy that my body had gotten a workout (my back can only sometimes manage a light walk but today, thankfully, was not one of those days.

Feeling my heart beating reminds me I’m going to be ok, just like the Sylvia Plath quote – ‘I am, I am, I am’. Sometimes you just need reminding that your head doesn’t control everything, because on a day here or there it can feel like that. I know that for some reading this, they might not be in a place where they feel they can exercise, getting out of bed is difficult enough and I understand, I’m not here to be preachy, just to say I was like you and keep going. Exercise isn’t going to have this result for everyone and it’s not the only thing I use to keep myself going, it’s’ a combination of talking, writing, exercise, being creative and working… keeping busy.

What helps you guys? Do you exercise or spend time doing something else? Let me know!

 

Be sure to check out my other posts for Mental Health Awareness Week on the home page!

Todays mood update: Tired and a little overwhelmed this afternoon due to a flat visit but right now I’m feeling pretty chilled out and happy, the gym session obviously worked!

Mental Health Awareness Week: The Medication Debate

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Medication is a huge debate whether you have a mental illness or not. It’s something that definitely needs to be spoken about more, in fact I think it’s one of the biggest reasons that people are reluctant to talk about mental illness. There are some people that are of the opinion that those who take medication are taking the ‘easy way out’ or mean that people don’t want to try, as someone with experience neither of these are true. The other extreme belief is that all medication turns you into a zombie, someone who can’t think or do anything for themselves, again an image of simply giving up.

From my own personal experience and the experience of every single person I’ve spoken to about medication it is definitely NOT the easiest solution. While it’s right to say that medication is not for everyone  and some people don’t want to take them, that’s fine. For me I’d tried so many other things counselling being the main route, trying to sleep properly, nothing was working. I was emotionally and physically exhausted when a doctor asked me if I just wanted to try and see how it goes, because I looked completely at the end of my teather. That was the first time and I freaked out about the stigma surrounding them and I just quit, I was done. Then a while later I got at a low stage again and decided to give it a go, the side effects were horrendous. I didn’t sleep for three days, I felt sick all the time, I was sick, I called my doctor to ask if this was normal (it was my first experience of insomnia) who said give it a few more days and see. Luckily this time I carried on, after a few adjustments, reviews and such I eventually settled.

There are a lot of horror stories and it’s rare for someone to go on medication and it be right for them instantly. There’s usually a lot of adjustments, a lot of change. A lot of people ask me why, why put this in your body? For a long time I struggled, who was I, why did my stupid body need these tablets? I really beat myself up constantly. I didn’t want to be someone who relied on medication to function, I didn’t feel normal. That said I could see changed after about a month, it’s hard to describe online, hell it’s even hard to describe in person. It’s like for a long time I was walking around with this fog in my head, everything I did felt wrong, heavy and even when I was happy there was something in me that constantly tugged at my happiness. When the medication worked I wasn’t fixed, but the fog cleared and I could finally think and see things clearer. After I took my medication I started to go back to who I was before the depression took hold of me and I started trusting myself again.

It took a long time but my mentor reminded me of this quote:

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I wasn’t scared of the medication, it helped me after years of just feeling like I was drowning I had some calmness. No one would ever dream of telling a diabetic not to take insulin because of the fact ‘it changes their body’ well, yeah that’s the point. While there are some negative aspects of medication and again, it’s not for everyone BUT it can help. Who has the right to dictate whether or not someone should take something if it does make them feel better, if it enables them to tackle the day or makes the tough days a little bit easier.

It’s the same for me with anything medical, if it’s not your body then you can’t really dictate anything. I truly believe that unless you’ve been through something you can’t judge someone else. Stigma related to taking a medication that makes you well doesn’t really make any sense to me. Like I said, it’s not the easy way out, a quick fix or anything like that without going to see a mentor once a week for a long time my medication wouldn’t have been very effective. People need to work through their problems or the root cause of their depression, sometimes medication makes it a little clearer and a little easier to talk about.

I refuse to be ashamed of treatment for a health condition, neither should you.

 

As always let me know your comments, questions and just generally chat below!

 

Today’s MH Update: Felt a little overwhelmed today and did have a bit of a crumble BUT now feeling very positive and happier!

 

Images from Pinterest