As usual for me there is no rest, no stopping just keep going,going,going. After yesterday I’m still feeling happy although obviously a little let down that I haven’t passed, it’s only normal. After last night though and some lovely tea with the boys (I’m slowly making Rhys more and more English mwhaha!!!) I had a little relaxing time and then back to fast fast fast! Today was also another day of waking up as a bag full of nerves, it was presentation day. I’ve been dreading it for weeks my thought pattern has been driving test, presentation, driving test, presentation on and on and on. I also had my last intro to creative writing class, finally although the seminars are the only part of my course I enjoy so I was sad to see it go, you’ll be pleased to know all my course work is now done for the module, onwards and upwards. Either way one of the members of my group is in the same class and had to sit while I freaked out do our points even match? Have we done what they wanted? Do we know the book enough? Serious overdrive in my mind. I’ll cut it short and say that the presentation went well, despite my nerves we all pulled it off and it seems to have gone down well even with a joking and slightly cheeky response to a lecturers question at the end (it was what he wanted, don’t worry!) before watching a few more and sprinting off to my first Disabled Students Network meeting. I loved it so much, there was fab people, new friends to be made and new ideas. I’ll even be helping in Disabilities awareness week next week by talking to lecturers about mental illness, such an exciting opportunity! So must be done now your thinking? Nope one more run to make before my day is finally over. Off to the staff canteen to discuss my student blogs for being a Student Ambassador, different to this one but there are big plans in the process and the best bit? I’m being paid to blog, finally! I’ve wanted this for years and I’ll also be helping people make the right choice about uni. It’s all going pretty well but all I wanted when I got back to my flat was to lie down and sleep, when I worked out that wasn’t happening I decided to wash all my bedding before settling down to eat. Apart form I ended up on a spontaneous trip to Asda with Ali. So if you don’t mind, I think I need my bed.
I didn’t pass, but that’s ok!
I’ve been keeping something back from you all, something that has had me going up and down more times than a yoyo. I had my driving test today, I’ve been hinting at it on the blog for a few weeks but luckily none of you noticed. Before I start this blog I have to thank my best friend Jen, Ali, my parents and my sister. They’ve had to keep me calm for the past few weeks and it hasn’t been easy, there have been a lot of tears.
Jens been at my flat for 8am for the last 2 days running to keep me calm and just talk me through things, my driving instructor has dealt with various panic attacks and tears for the past week. As I said before driving tests wind me up to no end but something amazing happened. After warming up before and constantly stalling, panicking and being sick I started talking to myself. Sounds crazy, right? I’m pleased to say despite not passing I’m very proud of myself. I got in the car and had one panic moment where I started losing control but other than that I talked myself through, I encouraged myself like I was talking to someone else. I thought I failed before I actually did but I got through and it didn’t matter. I even said to the examiner ‘before you tell me can I just say for me getting through that was enough, I’m happy’ which is a huge achievement for me. I’m terrified of failing, I don’t handle it well in the slightest but today it didn’t matter.
What did I fail on you may ask? I didn’t overtake a cyclist and therefore held up traffic for a few minutes. That’s all. So my actual driving? Well enough to pass that damn test! That’s what I’m thinking now, I finally feel safe enough to go out alone in my car, obviously wont but I know I can now once I get that certificate in my hand. Also it passed so quickly and I got my manoeuvre near on perfect even though I had to do it backwards and up a hill.
I would have loved to have passed today, for a moment I thought I had. In a way though failing on something so silly made me more confident. It means I’m a good driver, I am a safe driver. So I got out of the car smiling ran into the flat and gave my instructor the money to book my test again for after the Easter break. I know I can do this now and it took me 4 times of failing to realise that I can do this! I hope it will be next time, I really want to finally have the weight off my shoulders. If it isn’t I’m pretty certain that I will pass before my birthday when my theory certificate runs out.
Either way today meant a lot for me and I’ve been happy ever since, I never thought failing would make me feel so good! So here’s to next time!! Oh and here’s to kicking Depression and Anxiety’s butt!
Nerves.
I don’t handle nerves well.
Ever.
Hopefully I can tell you more tomorrow!
Sunshine can’t solve everything
I’ve written in posts before about the power of sunshine and nature when it come to my depression and anxiety. Lately I’m starting to work out what can calm me moving on from having to sleep or jump in the shower every time. Today has been beautifully sunny but not my my head. It might as well have been rain and thunder. To me this just reminds me of the ups and downs and what things can trigger one of my low days. As I’m writing this, however, I am pleased to tell you the low lifted a few hours ago.
Despite the sun, having breakfast and generally doing all things I should have today I still had a near on hysteric phone call with my Mum and started my driving lesson in tears. As you all know driving is the one thing that really, really gets me down. I’ve tried and failed 3 times and the thought of taking another test makes me feel very sick. That said I need to take it, I have until September to pass before I have to take my theory test again and that’s something I want to avoid at all costs. So I drove and luckily I have a good instructor who says I can drive but my panic moments are where I start to fall apart. There are so many things to remember for the test that you stop doing once you actually pass that it makes my brain hurt. On top of that Kingston and the surrounding areas are HARD to drive in.
I left the car feeling ok but in minutes I was in a state again. Crying and lashing out, I’m not always the easiest person when I’m on a low. With Mum and Ali on the phone as well as my little sister and Jen at the flat I eventually calmed out enough to go wait for a bus. I didn’t observe as much as I normally do, I didn’t smile at people I just wanted to concentrate on getting to Ali’s and just let things go. The bus journey actually helped, I listen to my music, cleared my head and managed to have calmed down a lot once I got to the flat.
Ali managed to do what he does best. I had some quiet time and then we talked things through and cuddled and it was nice to have some time just to ourselves to talk and laugh and he cheered me up. After making sure I was few and watered I came back happier and calmer and had some time with Jen. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better although I know it’s when the pressure really kicks in with everything going on at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
My first day at work
We have a walking talking Banana and Orange….Come to KU!
I’ll admit getting up at 6 and being on a bus by 7.20am was not my ideal way of starting a new job. After Mum and I managed to see the clock at both 2 and 3am I was genuinely surprised I woke up feeling okay apart from a little sick from a lack of food. It was pretty calm for 7am, quiet and not that cold either which felt very nice when I’d had little sleep (although I’m glad I went with jeans instead of shorts).
I ended up being at work early and planned to grab a drink and something to eat but everything was shut, food would have to wait. I got stuck in straight away though and chatting to the other ambassadors, the worries of last night seemed to be behind me thank goodness. We started putting banners up, helping anywhere needed before being assigned our roles for the day. I was going to be on accommodation tours…damn! I was nervous not knowing how they were run and not have the best experience all the time but because I was new I was placed with another ambassador Beth who I already knew and luckily shares the same love of books and certain lecturers. I didn’t need to be worried as after leaving our second tour another coach came and I had to take over….in front of my new boss.
This burst of energy just came out of me, I loved the people and I loved them asking me questions. It was like being on stage working the crowd, making them feel at ease and making them laugh. I done the same tour from 9-3.30 and at one point took a group of 43 people with a fellow ambassador to make sure I was ok. I made a difference! By the end of the day after long conversations about 3 people decided they were going to make Kingston their first choice, one girl after asking what negatives I experienced. I told her that 90% of things like timetable issues would be sorted and said that I found the university brilliant. I wasn’t lying when I told them that coming to university was the best decision I ever made.
The day went very quickly and I made lots of friends and felt like I belonged almost instantly. This is something I CAN do, something I know I’ll enjoy until I leave, hopefully after my masters in 2017! I told people today I was staying for my masters and that’s true I am now more determined than ever to get that scholarship and study!
As work came to a close I was asked to go to the pub with Beth (trying to hide my childlike excitement that I had been invited to the pub by people!) we took a stroll through town after free pastry and then she took me to a lovely pub right on the river and we talked about everything from books to our own lives. Beth is very special, I want more than anything to see her go on to do well because she is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.
The view from the riverside 
Although not at our most glam, Beth and I after a hard days work
I now have a chart on my wall with how many Ambassador things I do, I’m hoping to beat my friend Adams who is a SA celeb around here! With meetings planned ahead and more days work planned I don’t think I’ll ever want to give up this job. Ever!
The KU Talent Awards
Tonight was the KUTalent awards 2014! I’m going to start the post by letting you all know that I didn’t win. I did however get to spend some time with my Mum, have a lovely dinner and meet some interesting people. I’ve spent the day working on other things, trying to keep my mind off of the awards tonight partially to fight of nerves and partially not to get my hopes up.
The hotel was amazing and as usual the KU team really managed to pull it off with guest speaker Kris Akabusi (a very famous Olympic runner for those of you who don’t know, I didn’t at first so don’t worry!) who made me laugh so, so much. Before all this though we walked down the red carpet and were given green champers much to Mums delight, I still feel sick when I smell it after the last event I went to, I’ll never be drinking that much again! We moved around the room and chatted to various people and had a few more drinks t calm my nerves. Before we got downstairs I’d been a mess I was so anxious I didn’t think I could leave the hotel room I was crying and stressing and worrying if I would fit in at all.
Luckily all my worries seemed to be for nothing, the evening went by and I spoke to everyone and got into detailed conversations with the other members of my table who all appeared to be very impressed. Had I been a third year I would have left with a job offer apparently, always a bonus! The problem came when the nominees for my category were announced. I had been telling myself not to get excited, but when Kris said ‘she’ I knew there were only me and another girl in my category, he then said ‘she has been involved since the first day’ again something I had put on my application, then he said ‘lacrosse’. I don’t lie to you guys so I’ll admit I was absolutely heart broken, I thought I was bothered but I really, really was. I kept trying to smile but after all my anxiety before it felt like a black hole in my chest.
Everyone I had spoken to came up to me after and told me how well I’d done to get there, how next year I’ve got to do it again. I was too upset but smiled nevertheless. As the evening went on it got easier despite being really tired, I hope I can go again next year but right now I’m trying to focus on spending time with my Mum. I’m glad she got to dress up and come out tonight, I also wish I could have been super happy and excited all night but she doesn’t seem to mind. So I’ve had my calming shower (a technique that has never failed for me yet, if only I could always get in a shower when I felt down!) and now it’s time for bed. First day of work tomorrow and hopefully I can be as positive as everyone else..I did get shortlisted after all.
Being one step ahead of the game
If there’s one thing you can always count on me for is being ahead of the game when possible. I’m almost always crazy busy these days and looking to get ahead in my studies. The way my brain works is ‘Ok I can read this book now, I know that ones next so I’ll take a quick look at the synopsis while I finish’. I know the rough guidelines for next years module guides, I scan the house hunt pages every day and I’ve been talking to my lecturers about my plans to continue on with a masters and the small fund I have set up.
Tonight has been my first ‘day off’ in about 2 weeks, some quality time I wanted to spend with Ali. It was nice with the sunshine but we decided we wanted to just be alone for once, shut out everyone else and once it got dar ksit and catch up on tv we had missed. We’re both stressed at the moment, as of September we’ll be officially moving in together and that is a big deal! People think because we’ve been together so long we don’t get nervous about things like this, we definately do. We have the same disagreements as everyone else, where do we live, how much do we want to pay, do you have to bring that piece of furniture (me to him), do you have to bring so many books (him to me), what colours do we want thing to be (I’m still rooting for this one, bright colours for the win!).
There is one thing many of you don’t know. Without Ali I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I wouldn’t be at university and I’d probably be a lot more depressed. I’m not going to get mushy and gushy but he saved me, he picked me up more times than he needed to and I will be eternally grateful. So everything I’m achieving, Student Ambassador, KUTalent award nomination, the band, this blog in some wayy relates back to him. So when people ask if I mind that I go to his more than he goes to mine, no not at all we have something very strong which brings be back to the point of being one step ahead. I can’t do that with Ali and believe me that’s a good thing!
He’s very supportive of my decision to save up and continue on to a masters at the end of my degree and has very kindly said he will help to support me if I need it (seriously one of a kind). So after being so, so happy tonight curled up and just relaxing for once I got back and continued to try and get on top of things. Then I strayed to masters sights after reading an article on Young Adult fiction. So I googled masters in this area just to be nosy. Cambridge came up to my surprise, I read on and was intrigued. Could I go to Cambridge? The only thought I’d had was back in year 9 when I got invited to a gifted and talented day at the college and they spoke to us about univeristy, ah nieve 14 year old me put up a right fuss and said that plenty of jobs don’t need a degree, I want to be a musician and why pay £3000 a year. I ended up being friends with one of the speakers and going on holiday with her, paying £8750 a year for a degree but I still want to be a musician. Anyway I was browsing through thinking this might be possible and then I read this lovely quote on the website
The University does not allow students to undertake paid work outside the University or a college while they are studying full-time, and you should not expect to accrue additional income in this way. However, academic-related work – especially teaching undergraduates – can provide postgraduate students with valuable transferable skills, and a limited amount of this type of work is encouraged, provided it does not interfere with your studies.
Right, ok then well that leaves me and anyone else who isn’t rich buggered then. No Student Ambassadors for Cambridge. I was shocked, outraged and realised I was right all those years ago to dismiss an idea like Oxford or Cambridge.I thought these restrictions were something of a myth! I knew then and know now I wouldn’t have fit in and so I’ll stick with Kingston for my masters, hopefully. I love this uni, I love that I can be myself and it’s accepted even my struggles. I’m going to apply for a masters scholarship in my 3rd year for definite. Cambridge can keep their masters programme because although Kingston might not be top of the tables, they sure know how to make a girl feel like she can achieve.
I’m in love with my new job!!
Tonight I attended training for me job as a Student Ambassador. I’ve never loved a job more or been able to make this much of a difference in peoples lives. It sounds silly but when I started looking at uni’s Kingston’s Student Ambassadors made all the difference to me, they were friendly, welcoming and took me seriously, even the worries I thought were stupid.
It didn’t feel like I was being lectured or taught tonight it was very much being part of a bigger university wide team, which is what it is really. There are so many opportunities that I can have now. I’m already working on bridging the gap between disability and dyslexia and prospective students as well as hopefully running for disabilities officer next year. As well as that I’ll be working with the social media team and being paid to blog, PAID!
I feel on top of the world, going to uni has opened so many doors for me. The course, the potential award, my band, my friends, my life. Despite the fact that I might not sleep for another week or two, I’m happy. I have a lot to look forward to and that’s a great feeling.
With all this said and how much I love my job, I’m not getting ahead of myself. I’m looking forward to the future but I’m trying to take each day for what it is, I know there’ll be ups and downs ahead but hopefully if I’m working and putting my experience to good use!
Here’s to the new job!!
5 reasons being sleep deprived is a good thing
So as you all know I’m going on very little sleep at the moment here are 5 ways it’s a good thing!
1. Creativity!!! Was I always this creative…
2. Constantly eating is acceptable because it’s to ‘keep up your energy levels’
3. Watching your favourite series back to back because what else can you do at 3am?
4. Everything becomes funny, even things that make no sense… (or tearful but lets ignore that)
It’s a lobster…haha a LOBSTER *giggles in hysterics for the next 20 minutes*
5. ‘ Don’t disturb them they’re finally sleeping!!!’
When you finally manage sleep no one wants to wake you because you look so peaceful….
Driving, Pictures, Friends and Reading Festival!
It felt weird this morning, waking up and not having to get my butt across campus and head into the studio. Instead it was trying to haul my but to the car park and get driving again. I’ll take my test again at some point this year, yes it’s booked, no I’m not telling you all! After going through all the hardest parts of the test routes and being sleep deprived I started to worry, can I ever pass this test?!? I’m on my 3rd time and now I’m told that my Dyslexia makes it harder to drive in test conditions! Still onwards and upwards.
As promised on my twitter feed Sophie (Dan’s girlfriend) got some great shots of us here are some of my favourites. We’ll be heading down to Brighton at some point to get some more done.
I think this sums us up pretty well.
My pose photo
Duck face at it’s finest
Something I wanted to try, it worked!!
Was definitely not almost falling off the tree…
As you can see Sophie has done an absolutely fab job even though she was as tired as the rest of us! We’re looking at booking more time with her with the added bonus that she’s a No People Club girlfriend.
Ok so moving on tonight Jen and I went to a flat viewing and found the most beautiful, perfect, amazing flat I have ever seen. Unfortunately it was too big for Ali and I and the rent started too early but Jen might be able to take it. I haven’t mentioned Jen as much as I wanted to but honestly I could write 10 entrys in a row about her, she’s funny, understanding and only lives about 20 minutes from me at home as well as living close in halls. Surprsingly we never met at the Head Start programme but met up in the summer and lost contact…that won’t be happening again! She also has a wonderful boyfriend, Ben who is now one of my good friends and one of the only people in Seething Wells I can talk music with (thank God!). They’re the best friends I’ve got around here and constantly make me laugh by acting like and old married couple…so adorable!!
Jen was also with me when I booked my first Reading Festival ticket!! I’m beyond excited and ended up buying them on the bus, as you do as soon as I saw Paramore had been announced. I also managed to buy Ali’s ticket for his 21st birthday present (I know right how did he get so old so fast haha!). So I have so much to look forward to! I’m so excited and nervous and just everything but the most important thing, I’m looking forward again.
Chloe Metzger 