I left for the pub this afternoon feeling pretty down, I came back and remembered why it’s such a special place. No, I’m not drunk. I like the pub more than clubs because you can just sit and talk, you can sort things out with or without a pint and it’s a relaxed atmosphere. The band needed to bond today (well 4 of us, Dan’s still away) and although I was hesitant at first I went (while gaining a compliment on the way in, putting me in a better mood). We talked and things got sorted out that we’re previously really worrying. With all the heavy stuff behind us we were able to just relax and have fun and now I’m planning a trip to the US of A while the boys go and watch a film. The pubs worked it’s magic again.
All of me
Sometimes you give all of yourself to something, only to feel like you’ve failed anyway. It’s the worst feeling in the world, especially when history begins to repeat itself. You question yourself, doubt yourself. If you’re like me you have this constant feeling it must be your fault, even if it’s not. Music is healing for me but because it’s what I want to do with my life it can shatter my heart as if it were made of glass.
If I want to make myself understand something I’ll write a song or sometimes if I’m lucky enough I’ll find one that already says everything I need to say, because I don’t know how to say it myself. you may think this is pretty down but today had, for the majority, been a good day. I love waking up next to Ali, it gives me a boost in the morning, I feel loved. It’s like when I go home I like hearing people in the house, I like feeling like there is someone there, like I’m not alone.
Right now I can’t wait to get out of halls, to leave it and get away. I don’t feel happy in this room, I feel lonely and isolated. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to or talk to. I am completely and utterly alone here. It’s sad and I haven’t wanted to admit it but it’s true. I read and listen to music here but that seems to be all. I try and make sure I’m not here, even when I’m tired.
I’ve gotten slightly off topic now. Either way I don’t want to give up, I want to carry on but sometimes it’s the last thing on my damn mind. Today I’m mad, I’m mad at so many things and I just don’t know what to do about so many things.
Friday night cup of tea and thinking
I’m spending my Friday night sitting in Ali’s flat, watching Emma Blackery on YouTube and contemplating making myself a cup of tea. I don’t know why but despite my plans to go out and drink tonight I really didn’t want to.
I don’t know what’s got into me today. I woke up feeling shit, I picked up a bit but there are things going on at the moment that just make me upset. Things on one side are going really well, I’m so lucky to be mending friendships that have been unraveled in the past few months, understanding myself and academically I’m doing better than I ever have in my life. Then one thing can just piss me off and upset me.
If I’m honest I’m finding my school placement really hard. I haven’t spent time in a school since I was 16 and even then I was hardly there. For me school wasn’t anything I enjoyed it was a battlefield, it was hard. The school itself is lovely, the staff are brilliant and the kids are still slightly wary. The problem is that a secondary school was the place that I was at my lowest, I still get down thinking about it sometimes and every now and again one of the old nightmares may flare up. It’s horrible waking up from those when I’m on my own, I suppose that’s what’s had me thinking about it a lot really. The nightmare was a few days before I started placement which I suppose highlighted the fact I was nervous about it.
While I’m working and doing the experience I’m realising more and more I could never teach in a secondary school as a job. I don’t like the feeling of it, the way it runs, the memories I have myself. It would be the same in any school. I love visting schools, educating them in diferent ways but to be there day in, day out? I can’t do it because this is the thing, your own experiences never leave you. I worry about my sister all the time, even though she is such a different kid to the one I was. She’s smart, she’s funny and she never has any problems standing up for herself or making friends and I absolutely love it. I love that she is that way and as strange as it sounds I wish I was the little sister who could look up to her because she’s bloody brilliant.
I don’t really know what this is about, I don’t know why I’m writing. I suppose it’s just a way for me to understand when I feel like this. I’ve been restless, annoyed, happy everything today. I’m looking forward to a quiet weekend I honestly want to curl up, not do to much and then take on the world again starting Monday.
Back where I belong
So, as you’ve noticed the blog are gradually getting longer again the posts getting happier but maybe not as full. I’ve been on break now for over a month and for the past few weeks the boys and I have been at home for the holidays…meaning no band practice. I didn’t realise how restless I’d get, how much I’d miss the banter with the boys. So Easter break was weird to be honest, I missed the chaos, the music and I was desperate to get back to those rooms and start preparing for Basingstoke Live in a few months.
Today I got to and it just felt so amazing, even if I’m not slightly deaf in my left ear….cymbals are loud. There was just an energy, a togetherness in the room. I know it sounds stupid but I just felt so happy when I left tonight. We practiced, we messed up, we laughed and then it was off to the bar and finishing the night with chicken and sleep (Ali and Rhys had about 3 hours sleep between them because of assignments…typical students).
Now the boys are back, the buses are running again and I feel a bit more free and back where I belong really.
Trialling Teaching
Up bright and early, at two…and then again at six thirty, you know the time I actually meant to get up. On an off point the things that you hear around here at two in the morning are really, really weird. Surprisingly I was ok getting up this morning and managed to make it to the meeting point for 7.30 where I met a fellow Seething Wells student, Rukia. We trekked to the school and ended up being an hour early which was nice because we got to know each other and it made us relax.
The meeting started slightly late but soon got going with only 3 of us going today. After a tour and a chat we were able to get to work meeting the department and watching the students. It was interesting at times and I’m hoping it will get better as I continue, I still don’t have any overwhelming feeling to become a teacher and I don’t know how much I’ll write about it on this blog, we shall see. That said, the staff I’m going to be working with are fab and so easy to get on with.
Let’s just see how this goes 🙂
Getting stuff finished, Growing Up and Great Surprises
Today I finished and submitted my last, and most terrifying, pieces of coursework. That’s it I’m done, all work for first year is over now. I should be excited, happy and relieved. I am but at the same time I feel a bit lost. I don’t really know what to do with my days now as most people have already moved out. I have five months until I get back into a lecture theatre and I’m guessing boredom will get the best of me and then I’ll end up reading the entire reading list by the time I come back in September because, well, five months is a long time.
Today’s been about growing up a bit, which is terrifying and really exciting. I’m now the co owner of a joint bank account and have the last of the flat details being sent to me in a week. I couldn’t stop smiling when Ali and I opened the bank account and it’s such a stupid thing to get excited about but it just meant something to me, something about moving in together just seems so official. That said after I threw childish insults at him, we’re not really grown ups yet. Or ever. Maybe ever.
My presents from Maggie!
I got to see Rhys today!!!!!!! Finally 😀 I was also given my surprises from Maggie which included a load of candy and two amazing T-Shirts that you can’t get in the UK! Paramore AND The Fault in Our Stars!!!! I couldn’t be more happy with them and I’m so excited. I’m really hoping to head out to Baltimore next year and actually meet Maggie in person, Rhys couldn’t have a better girlfriend!
Tomorrow is my first day of schools placement, so instead of the lie in I deserve tomorrow I’ll be up at 6.30 to head to the bus and my school placement. It will definitely be interesting to say the least…wish me luck!
Forever awkward!
This picture came up on my Facebook page today after my friend Lucy shared it. I think it sums things up really. I’ve spent the evening tidying and organising my room thinking about what to take to the new flat, what to throw away, moving again. Now some people argue that moving in with my boyfriend is a big grown up step and it sure felt that way when we went to the bank to open a joint bank account today but compared to some people I know, it’s not. I have friends who have children, who have been engaged, who are currently engaged. Me and Ali are still calling turkey dinosaurs and curly fries dinner which is just the way I want it to be right now!
On the other side of the spectrum I’m surrounded by people who are out every night, partying, drinking (just as I can hear through 4 walls currently) something I’m not that interested in. Don’t get me wrong I like to go to the pub and I was gutted when I couldn’t go out tonight but usually I’m not bothered. I get more bothered about not being around my friends than actually getting wasted.
This is the thing as I fastly approach my twenties I’m faced with this weird in between place and when your with either type of friend it feels awkward. By the amount of re posts on Facebook I’m not the only one my age who feels this way! So I’m going to plod along feeling awkward for god knows how long, I like this age and I’m not in a hurry to grow up any time soon!
Scatter brain
I feel like my desk currently reflects the state of my brain. I wanted to take tonight to write for you all and tell you all about how lovely it’s been to spend a weekend with Ali but alas I don’t have the time. See this is a real student post! My books are scattered all around me, I can’t find the quotes I’m looking for and this essay is driving me slowly but surely mad! Hopefully I’ll be able to make more sense tomorrow!
What’s daylight again??
Normally one of my top tips for anyone doing revision/exams is to hae a break every now and again, maybe go outside and get some fresh air. Ali and I have definitely broken that this weekend, after getting to his flat over 24 hours ago we haven’t left. If we’ve left the room it’s been to go to the kitchen although we’re not cooking tonight, chicken it is! Why you may ask? This is what happens when you get stuck on assignments over Easter, while I have a few more days to work on my final Debates in Literature essay Ali has until Monday…
Fear not! I’m encouraging him and he’s working hard on the assignment and believe me this one is a doozy! 3000 words, I looked at the title and gave a wimper myself. All my friends on the music tech course seem to be feeling the same and it wouldn’t surprise me if the library stayed very full until that 11am deadline on Monday. So now I have to leave you all and get on before dinner arrives, wish us luck and hopefully we may see that thing they call the sun again at some point!
Two down, Two to go
Students are currently in two stages of panic at the moment, either panicing about coursework or panicing about exams. One or the other, I’m currently part of the coursework group, the pressure is on but I now have 2 down and two to go! Creative Writing is done,dusted finished. I have to put in a hard copy to the office but the main online submission is done now and I never have to submit anything creative ever again.
I have been stressing out a lot over my assignments and I know I shouldn’t. I’ve had 90% of the assignments done for about a month now but it’s just the final part. I start to think too much, Is this part good enough? Does this match what they wanted me to do? Who’s going to mark it? Will they like my work? Will I get the grade I want/need? Anxiety is awful at exam/coursework time because I’m someone who cares so much about my work and it just stresses me out constantly.
Despite how I was feeling today I’m feeling a lot more relaxed now. Half are done! Gone! Submitted! Creative Writing is over and now maybe I’ll get back to writing fiction, finally start my book. I can put all my academic energy into English, something that I love (although ask me that again next week, I may not agree!). The next step is to submit my English assignments and then it’s nothing but reading until September 29th, a lot of work though hopefully for the Student Ambassadors.
So, two down and two more to go! Hopefully by this time next week it will all be done!
Chloe Metzger 