Sometimes you give all of yourself to something, only to feel like you’ve failed anyway. It’s the worst feeling in the world, especially when history begins to repeat itself. You question yourself, doubt yourself. If you’re like me you have this constant feeling it must be your fault, even if it’s not. Music is healing for me but because it’s what I want to do with my life it can shatter my heart as if it were made of glass.
If I want to make myself understand something I’ll write a song or sometimes if I’m lucky enough I’ll find one that already says everything I need to say, because I don’t know how to say it myself. you may think this is pretty down but today had, for the majority, been a good day. I love waking up next to Ali, it gives me a boost in the morning, I feel loved. It’s like when I go home I like hearing people in the house, I like feeling like there is someone there, like I’m not alone.
Right now I can’t wait to get out of halls, to leave it and get away. I don’t feel happy in this room, I feel lonely and isolated. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to or talk to. I am completely and utterly alone here. It’s sad and I haven’t wanted to admit it but it’s true. I read and listen to music here but that seems to be all. I try and make sure I’m not here, even when I’m tired.
I’ve gotten slightly off topic now. Either way I don’t want to give up, I want to carry on but sometimes it’s the last thing on my damn mind. Today I’m mad, I’m mad at so many things and I just don’t know what to do about so many things.