One step at a time

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Phil, Ben, Alyssa and Laura 

I’m back! After a few days of quiet and thinking I took to getting out there again. Thursday’s post Outside meant opening up about something I hadn’t been comfortable with. It has been an up and down weekend which has been really frustrating. I want to be out, be happy and not have to think of worry but that’s not always the way this works. 

I met up with my mentor and talked through things that I needed to and started trying to put together a plan with the idea of taking everything one step at a time. This month has been hectic and has had so many changes it’s not surprising I’ve been feeling up and down. Now I’m focused on getting through it all with the support of my friends, family and of course Ali. 

Tonight I was a little worried about going to the pub it went from just being me, Ali and Ben to a whole big group of people. I felt a little anxious, would I be ok? Would the pub be ok? I went and had an absolute blast! I knew the others from Kingston Hill and got to know some of the people on Ali’s course better. They’re really great people and we had so much fun! I can see a lot of nights out in the future with Dan and Rhys’ housemates and a lot of visits too! 

I’m proving to myself that just one step at a time, taking it day by day I can get better, I will get better. I’m feeling hopeful.

In the news: Another Royal baby on the way

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Duke and Duchess of Cambridge in their first appearance with the royal baby

After the birth of HRH Prince George ( I do not own the rights to this photo).

Clarence House has announced this morning that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their second child, a little brother or sister for one year old Price George. The couple (pictured above) have been the source of pregnancy rumours for the past year.

The young couple are ‘very pleased’ to announce the news, however, as with the Duchesses’ last pregnancy she is being treated with morning sickness. Although morning sickness is common in pregnancy  Hyperemesis Gravidarum is an extreme case where women are regularly monitored in hospital as they find it hard to keep down fluids.

Once again the couple will find themselves in the middle of a media storm, back in 2013 the media camped for weeks outside the hospital to catch a glimpse of future King, George. As the count down begins, I wish William, Catherine and George congratulations!

Drive time!

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I’ve taken the plunge and challenged the motorway alone! I did it! I drove to Kingston without panicking, totally safe and if I say so myself I did great! There isn’t much to report today apart from coming back to Kingston, I picked up the bands stuff from Ali’s house after spending time just mooching around mine. It wasn’t a big farewell or anything, I’ll be back in Basingstoke next weekend and I’m now going to be seeing my amazing GodDaughter next weekend, yippie! 

I want to focus now I’m back, get back into some routine get focused and know what I want. More than anything I want to get myself settled and feel better. I even have a goal, by May I want to be able to be on my own and feel completely comfortable with it. I want to be able to go on some travels next year, with friends and alone. I don’t want to be too scared to leave Ali or my Mum, I want to have a little adventure. 

Driving today, Athens tomorrow. 

I’m awake

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While I’m having fun being at home I don’t feel like writing tonight. I don’t always get to chose how I feel and that in itself annoys me. I want to be happy, have the time of my life whenever I’m with my family but apparently that isn’t happening today. I need to sleep and hopefully feel better tomorrow and spend time with my family.

 

When I feel this bad I think of these lyrics:

It’s just a spark, but it’s enough to keep me going

and when it’s dark out, no one’s around, it keeps glowing

People will think it’s dorky, stupid even for posting song lyrics in a post but what you need to understand is that when I was at my absolute lowest lyrics got me through it. I’d listen to music all night long when I couldn’t sleep, I’d listen when I was scared and anxious and the words meant more to me than anything.

Outside.

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I don’t know if it’s the tiredness or the fact that I’ve been around over 100 people a day for the past few days. Today I welcomed the quiet, calmness and having some control over things. I got things done when I got up and spent half the day ticking off my to do list and let Ali sleep, really revealing in the quiet and not having to talk to anyone.

You all know I love my job and it makes me happy, every shift that I do. I’ve never had a ‘bad day’ in this job because I feel appreciated and I’m making a difference. This brings my mood up, which I’m always grateful for. The only problem is that I will from one extreme to the other. I’ve spent a good amount of the last month or two alone or with small groups of people, then I go to huge bustling groups, then back to the quiet of our flat. I try as hard as I can to carry on but I do get overwhelmed and frankly exhausted.

I fell asleep this afternoon and when I woke up I didn’t want to answer my phone, I didn’t want to tweet or reply on Facebook. Even my friends I just didn’t want to talk with anyone. So when Ali suggested going to the shops to pick up some bits and pieces we needed I wasn’t up for it. More than that I felt a little terrified. Something in me just shut down, I didn’t want to smile, I didn’t want anyone to touch me, I wanted to stay in the flat.

I’ve had these kind of days before I’d have weekends in my halls room where I would avoid anyone and everyone, listen through the door to check my flatmates weren’t in the kitchen. Towards the end of the year I got better at going out, talking myself through the anxious feelings, so today was a bit of a shock. After an hour of persuaing me, making sure I had a shower and got dressed Ali got me out of the house. I’m nothing but thankful, all that patience and I did feel a benefit. It took quite a while but when I came back from town I was ok and bought some chocolate and magazines partially to pick my self up as well as reward myself.

Now I’m at home with Ali, I’m ok and I’ve eaten. I think he knows how much it means to me that he cared enough to spend so long making me face the world and be ok with how I felt.

Little steps and someone with a very big heart are two of the most important things in beating mental illness 🙂

Get Set For KU

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I’ve spent the past two days getting up at 6.30am and getting home at gone 8 at night. I’m not complaining in the slightest, especially as I actually woke up before my alarm on both days (proving just how excited I was). I’ve wanted to work a job like this since I became an ambassador so getting the confirmation was incredible. Believe it or not, I was nervous talking to my first attendee.

I became a bit of a match maker over the two days, I wanted the students to make friend at feel at home. I know how nerve racking it is and these students had never even been to Kingston before because they had come through clearing. I was pleased that when they left at the end of the day some of the groups I’d introduced were now friends, with some even looking for houses to share together now.

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Lunch with some of the lads at the event

As well as students I also had the chance, although not planned, to talk to a lot of parents annd had a good chat about university and the worries they had for their children. More than anything I loved talking to people, making them feel better, answering any questions that I could or pointing them to the right services.

The confidence and pride that I felt working this week was overwhelming. I felt good at what I done. Student’s thanked me, my bosses commented on how hard I worked and one of my ‘top tips’ won a student a prize. I got to laugh and make so many more friends with other ambassadors, we really hit it off and I can’t wait to work with them all again. I got especially close to another ambassador, Jo who made my sides ache from laughing so hard.

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Me, Jo and some new students on Campus Tours

As well as that? The food was incredible constant food, snacks, everything. I love my job so much and I can’t wait to get back and do more because this is something I know that I’m good at and it makes me feel incredible. How many people can say that their job makes them feel on top of the world?

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More than anything these past few days gave me what I needed. They reminded me that I am good at my job, that I’m a likeable and good person. I also got the news that I achieved my full grant scholarship, meaning that the likelihood of applying for my masters and being able to afford it is becoming more and more possible and that makes me happy beyond belief.

All in all an amazing few days and a great boost, I can’t wait to book more work now! 🙂

Hope.

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I woke up this morning and felt hopeful. I lay there and just smiled and cuddled Ali. I just felt happy, hopeful and calm. I’ve had a rough couple of day but today, the start of September was going to be good, not good amazing. It wasn’t anything amazingly different but I relaxed today and apart from a slight wobble this afternoon. The way forward doesn’t need to be massive or exciting every day. September’s here and it looks pretty damn good 🙂

A year in the life of a Fresher – Looking back

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So this is it, I’ve come to the end of having the tag ‘fresher’. As of tomorrow it will be September, when I feel I’m an official 2nd year as well as my last few weeks of being a teenager. First year was full of challenges, full of fun and no doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life. I have so much to write about, so much I’ve done this year and I can see just how well I’ve done to get here. This time last year I wanted to start the blog, I was terrified and didn’t know if I’d get though a term…now I want to stay an extra 1 or 2 years to do my Masters.

Before I put all the pictures up of the great moments from this year I want to thank you all and assure you that as of tomorrow I will start writing on the page entitled Surviving Second Year  I want to carry on this blog through uni and beyond. I have over 100 of you following this blog, nearly 300 twitter followers and as of yesterday set up an Instagram ( ChloeMetz_).

I’m proud of so much I’ve achieved this year and apparently  I can’t add photos of everything (damn).

September 

It started with playing Tetris with the car, some emotional goodbyes and going to Sainsbury’s in the pouring rain. I got used to shopping for myself, went to two balls, at one I got hideously drunk through nerves (oops) and the other stayed completely sober in a beautiful dress and had a great time. My 19th birthday wasn’t the best, but I knew people cared. In the first week I got to meet Deaf Havana, get my ID and Hoodie, meet some new people and start to work things out for myself. I was tired and handling my illness the best I could, although not always how I wanted to. I went to lectures and became amazed with how much brain hurt but also how much I loved it. I saw Paramore AGAIN, got over my fear of buses and learned that a lot of freshers don’t sleep…

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October 

Things changed in October, I started to realise who I was. I saw Sir Trevor McDonald and laughed with Joe (as I did for the rest of the year). I disagreed with people and realised that was ok. I got a kidney infection (not my best move) and had to go home for a little bit to get looked after. I got my finally A* and saw Tonight Alive and I had to start learning to pick myself up when I was alone. I got offered a job and had my first ever night out with the girls (thanks Bekkie!). I had so many late nights and went home to gig again for Reading week, six weeks already done!

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November 

Coming back to uni with a cheeky nose piercing! Then there was a special birthday, Ali’s 20th with a party of the two flats at Kingston hill and a visit from his sister. Then I finally realised Creative Writing wasn’t for me and decided to change my mind, although I had to carry on for the rest of the year I learnt I could.  I went clubbing and hated it and at times I struggled along. If anything I’m most proud of when I struggled, I was doing okay even when things were tough and I was getting little sleep. Finding out I was Dyslexic was also a HUGE thing for me and such a relief.

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December 

The last month of my first semester done already. All my deadlines got closer and I knuckled down to get things done but that wasn’t the most important thing this month. This month kicked off a huge part of my life, No People Club formed and it was the start of me constantly being in Kingston Hill and having some incredible friends I hope I will have for life. Then I headed home for Christmas which I appreciated more than ever (especially with my beautiful camera!) and got a job I loved and the news I’d been offered a part on the teaching course later in the year!

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January 

My Gramps called me at midnight and said ‘Babe, this is going to be your year’ now I know he was right. I decided this was the year I’d pass my driving test and wanted to be more positive. I went to the SU bar more and more with the boys and got into practising, although I was still terrified. I got my first 1st on an assignment, played  gigs with the boys and opened up to them too. I applied for the KUTalent awards, saw You Me at Six and found a fellow mad person in Amy.

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February 

Being me I forgot how to relax..again. So I worked really hard, had quite a few sleepless nights and stressed. I felt lonely too, especially at weekends. But I got so much out of music, Ali and I met We Are the In Crowd ( Twice!!!!) and I took my sister to see Taylor Swift. Little Lexi turning two was hard but we got there and she LOVED her pretty dress. Rhys finally turned 19 😉  I spent a lot of the month feeling anxious, like something wasn’t quite right but got through it eventually. Then I got the news I’d been shortlisted and after a visit from Mum I finally relaxed.

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March 

Not the best start to the month getting Evacuated and taken to hospital for possible Carbon Monoxide poisoning, lots of long and painful blood tests before Ali could take me home. It sounds silly but then he was all I had and he was absolutely amazing. After sleeping for a few hours after getting the all clear, I got to go out and drive before coming back to the news that I had gotten the Student Ambassador job, something I’d wanted since before we started, which lead to me being PAID to blog, a dream come true. I still didn’t sleep (lucky me) but I did go to the awards. Losing hurt like hell but now I’m fighting to win before I leave! I spent time in the studio with the boys…little did I know the first of many hours. I failed my driving test (again) but felt on top of the world because I’d finally started getting my nerves under control. I took my sister to see Fall Out Boy and went to my last day of classes as a first year (eek!). Despite all of this I was still pretty low, but I had to keep fighting, I spoke at an event for lecturers and felt really proud and then tackled trying to find a flat.

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April 

This month really was mental health based, I found a new love in piano to help me through things, earning my own money was setting me on track and I was able to set up a new plan with doctors when I got really ill. On the positive though I recieved two awards from the English department, I won Academic Contribution in First Year and got commended for Best Overall Performance! I finally got to announce Basingstoke Live, finally found a flat and went home to rest. Two assignments down and two to go, no slowing me down!

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May

This month I found out teaching really wasn’t for me…and that’s ok! I got through it in a Secondary School…something I never thought I’d be able to achieve. I found my place in practice with the boys and really enjoyed it and I got a little better and more confident with the band, recording, gigging, so exciting! . The best part though? After 5 attempts I passed my driving test!!!!!!! The best feeling in the world and the weirdest thing? I celebrated in a social way, drinks with the boys, drinks with my work friends and of course once I got home going out in the car with my sister was something very special.

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June 

Practice, recording, practice recording. My life this month and I loved it (minus getting dropped on the head). I said goodbye to teaching and saw The Fault in Our Stars (falling in love with it), made a cake for my Mum and made some big steps. I went on a night out with girls on my course, we’re now the best of friends and went straight to work the next morning…although at the end of the day I was exhausted I was so proud of myself and had so much fun! Leaving halls wasn’t emotional, I was ready to leave and wouldn’t miss them in the slightest (I like my sleep too much). Rhys came to stay and I actually learned a lot from him. I caught up with old friends and got used to being back in my home town (a big difference from the hustle and bustle of Kingston). Oh and don’t forget the bands teaser video!

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July 

BASINGSTOKE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE. Only one part of this month but something absolutely incredible. Meeting up with friends, quality time with family and travelling to see uni friends. My results finally came back with 3 1st’s and 1 2:1, an average of 71%, a first wahooo! The singles were released and I nearly broke my wrist (again not the best idea).  My baby sister turned 13 too 🙂 Other than that I was pretty bored…

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August 

So here we are, this crazy month. Moving again, Reading Festival, actually going into central London for a night with the girls, taking control of my health and myself, celebrating six years, working like CRAZY, finally getting work experience, sorting out next year and going out with the beautiful Jen and getting ready to turn the big 2 0!

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That’s it a whole year and what a year it’s been. I’m so pleased, so proud and so happy to have done all of this. Thank you to everyone who has been a part ❤

Next year going to be crazy. I can’t wait.

 

Chloe 🙂

 

If you missed any of these or want to read more then click here and it will take you to the list of all my posts for A year in the life of a fresher

 

 

It’s almost the end

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I can’t believe it’s been nearly a year since I started this blog. Tomorrow will be my last post as a fresher and from then on I’ll be ‘Surviving Second Year!’ Eeeeek! It’s been so amazing to track everything on here and get to know some of you, I now have 100+ followers on here and it really means a lot to me. I have plans for tomorrows post but for today I just wanted to say thank you for the last year, to every single one of you who has ever read a post, clicked a link. Thank you so, so, much!!!

Recovery

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The last two days have seen huge steps for me and have opened my eyes. I’ve thought a lot about recovery from mental health today and I’ve realised that we don’t put a big emphasis on how well people do. I have a lot of friends who are doing great things that make me proud of them it could be something small like taking a walk to make themselves feel better or something huge like  quitting self harming or opening up about their illness. Mental Health is a really personal thing and today I was able to face something huge, one of my biggest triggers.

I had a disagreement recently about my school days, although not always said in the best of ways the message was clear it needs to be a part of my past, not who I am now. So I’m rephrasing that my school days were a big part of me and I don’t want to give them the credit for making me who I am. I battled through and came through the other side. It’s strange but I usually forget that people don’t know here and when I say something people are really shocked, I’m not. Which I suppose means I can’t get mad at the people who saw it happen for not making a big deal out of it, because they’ve seen me so much better and that’s how they chose to think of me. I don’t want to go into huge details about some of the things that attributed to my depression and anxiety but the basic facts are: bullied from the age of 11 on and off, mental and physical, was very ill from the ages of 15-18.

Bank holiday Monday (for my American readers it’s a public holiday…but no one celebrates), I found myself walking into my old secondary school, a huge trigger for me. My chest started to get tight but I kept walking, I was ok then while my Mum queued to get my sisters uniform for the new year I went back to the car. It was here I started to panic, it was as if I could see bad memories…like they were ghosts. I felt sick and just wanted to escape into my iPod (my main coping mechanism at school was blocking the world out with music) Then something incredible happened, the power of my own mind started owning those memories. I started thinking about the good things that happened, I pictured memories I had with Ali at school (after all I never would have met him if I’d never gone), the few friends I had and it started to work.

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The main building

It sounds silly but I looked out the window, sat up straight and said ‘it’s just a building, the building can’t hurt me’. This thing of logical thinking about the past experiences I’ve had is new to me. I was able to stop myself before I got too bad and that’s the best feeling! I did it!

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Just after my 16th birthday, I remember being really poorly when this was taken

Recovery is something that can take a long time and takes different paths for different people. I have weekly sessions and will soon have a plan with goals. Other friends I know have a therapy called CBT, some having medication and others are on a longer plan. My twitter followers have their own ways of coping. When I was at school (above) I really didn’t deal with it well, I wasn’t coping and I’ll admit that openly. I don’t think I started dealing with it until I started uni and had the right medical support.

It doesn’t matter how long it takes, although I’ll be honest I don’t always feel like that. I do want to be ‘normal’ and not have meetings, appointments and doctors appointments but I suppose it’s just a different kind of normal. Just like some people’s normal is shopping for new clothes when they’re recovering from any illness or for other people it’s taking certain things out of their life. Every one is different so rightfully everyone’s illness and therefore recovery will be different.

I want to say: celebrate your recovery, don’t feel ashamed of bad days and good luck.

Chloe 🙂