I don’t know if it’s the tiredness or the fact that I’ve been around over 100 people a day for the past few days. Today I welcomed the quiet, calmness and having some control over things. I got things done when I got up and spent half the day ticking off my to do list and let Ali sleep, really revealing in the quiet and not having to talk to anyone.
You all know I love my job and it makes me happy, every shift that I do. I’ve never had a ‘bad day’ in this job because I feel appreciated and I’m making a difference. This brings my mood up, which I’m always grateful for. The only problem is that I will from one extreme to the other. I’ve spent a good amount of the last month or two alone or with small groups of people, then I go to huge bustling groups, then back to the quiet of our flat. I try as hard as I can to carry on but I do get overwhelmed and frankly exhausted.
I fell asleep this afternoon and when I woke up I didn’t want to answer my phone, I didn’t want to tweet or reply on Facebook. Even my friends I just didn’t want to talk with anyone. So when Ali suggested going to the shops to pick up some bits and pieces we needed I wasn’t up for it. More than that I felt a little terrified. Something in me just shut down, I didn’t want to smile, I didn’t want anyone to touch me, I wanted to stay in the flat.
I’ve had these kind of days before I’d have weekends in my halls room where I would avoid anyone and everyone, listen through the door to check my flatmates weren’t in the kitchen. Towards the end of the year I got better at going out, talking myself through the anxious feelings, so today was a bit of a shock. After an hour of persuaing me, making sure I had a shower and got dressed Ali got me out of the house. I’m nothing but thankful, all that patience and I did feel a benefit. It took quite a while but when I came back from town I was ok and bought some chocolate and magazines partially to pick my self up as well as reward myself.
Now I’m at home with Ali, I’m ok and I’ve eaten. I think he knows how much it means to me that he cared enough to spend so long making me face the world and be ok with how I felt.
Little steps and someone with a very big heart are two of the most important things in beating mental illness 🙂