Geek Out! Lecture Life.

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Ok maybe lecture life is a bit strong, seeing as I accidentally slept through my lecture this morning…oops/. Right now it is study, study, study, read, read, read, library, library, library. I’ve spent most of the day in the library being productive, which means I’m getting better, for the first time in a while I’ve gotten up and had a clear idea wof what I need to do.

So I waited around at uni for about 6 hours, to go to my tutors lecture and book launch on mobilities with Eleanor. IT was worthwhile, although I did get a bit confused it was nice to have something else to look into. I feel like while second year has a lot of work to do I’m not being challenged sometimes, I love research, I’m passionate about my course and I think third year is going to be excellent. It’s because of this I’m lucky to have Eleanor, she feels the same as me and she’s bloody brilliant for a good debate.

It was nice to go out with her and then discuss with the academics who also came to the lecture, it’s a part of uni that not many other people do. It might sound boring but sometimes you find yourself thinking about things that you wouldn’t normally. This is why I love academics, you can study English but end up doing History, Sociology,  or a, so much. This is why I’ve ended up calling this post Geek Out, I’m a self confessed geek and hopefully one day (if I don’t end up going on world tour) I’ll end up getting paid for it.

Hello Waffles, Goodbye skinny jeans!

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After riding today Amy and I decided it was about time we spent some time together and well it would be rude not to! It’s incredible, a small place on the high street with ice cream, waffles, cream, milkshakes. It’s at this point that I decided to say goodbye to my skinny jeans and embrace the beautiful desset goodness.

I needed this today because basically it was really not my day and I wanted to do was to curl up and mope even riding didn’t cheer me up as much as usual, but a good friend and chocolate covered food can go a lot way. Thanks Amy! 🙂

Locked Out

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For the first time since living with Ali I am locked out. I’m writing this to you all from the pub on their Wifi while I wait for Ali to make the hour long trip back to Kingston from Basingstoke. Why am I writing about something so boring? Because I am so bloody bored right now it’s unbelievable, I’d quite like to be curled up watching the Inbetweeners eating Ice Cream out of the tub, instead I’m taking shelter in Spoons, drinking alone, oh what an exciting life I lead!

I know the blogs been a bit bare lately, I have a tone of backdated uploads which I means to do Friday night but my laptop doen’t like the Wifi at my parents house. So there will be a lot to read as soon as I can go through and upload it all. Last week was pretty tough, changes have been made to my mental health plan and I’m just trying to adjust to them being in place at the moment, hopefully it will mean I get back to my normal self sooner rather than later.

Tonight Alive at Koko

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For the second time in 2 years I’ve been lucky enough to see Tonight Alive (an Australian band), I’m a big fan of them and slowly their coming through. When I first got into them not many people had heard of them but now they’re creeping up after playing Reading Festival this year, supporting You Me At Six on the Australian leg of their tour and now playing a sold out tour, as well as two dates at Koko in Camden (the same night as Mallory Know were playing down the road) playing album The Other Side in full tonight.

I love Tonight Alive and front woman Jenna McDougall kicks ass at every show I’ve seen. The band can go from going crazy to slower songs like ‘Amelia’, which Jenna bravely played on her own tonight with just the fans and an Acoustic Guitar, something not many front women do alone. The band just seemed so grateful for us all to be there, and you could see how much it meant to them. Comparing seeing them in a small venue and somewhere like Koko I think it would be fair to say that there were some nerves but they pulled them back in.

I really do love live music.

 

Struggle

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Life isn’t always easy, any idiot can tell you that. I’m writing just a little bit tonight because, again, I haven’t been doing so good. Every time this happens I feel like I’m letting you all down, myself down, the band. I’ve been slipping lately as have my relationships, attendance and general health. In short I’ve been unhappy for a few weeks and therefore all over the place.

Basically I just haven’t been myself, back to the Doctors and we’ve adjusted my plan again, it’s something I need to do but it doesn’t mean I’m completely happy about it. I just feel like these struggles are constant and I need a break, but the thing is with depression, you don’t get one. It’s an illness and as much as I hate it it’s there and I can’t just wave a wand and get rid of it, who knows maybe that would make it worse. You need to know sadness and pain to be truly happy, which means when I am happy I really appreciate it more.

Tonight and yesterday we’re a bit of a meltdown, missing my lecture because of a panic attack and then again today having a panic attack at band practice…I haven’t had one of those in well over a year, maybe two. It’s tough, it’s scary when your having one but I’m going to be ok, I hope. Also I’m not the only one stressed and worried at the moment, every one I know is a little stressed about deadlines or just life in general, it makes it a little better and makes me feel like less of a freak.

I just wanted to let you know, I might be a little bit scatty but hopefully the changes in my plan will make things better, all I ask is my lovely followers give me a bit of time.

 

I snore.

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I woke up this morning after a pretty good sleep, I crashed out as soon as we got home from the gig last night and as far as I was concerned all was well. That was the theory any way until I reached over to get my phone and noticed Ali was already awake…weird in itself. I was then informed that I had spent the whole night snoring again, now for a long time I’ve dismissed it thinking it must have been a little light snoring and Ali was just being a pain. That was until he recorded my snoring last week…I thought my Dad was bad, I’m almost as loud! My poor boyfriend has had to deal with my terrible snoring for the past few weeks because of my damn sinuses, I’m a nightmare.

This just adds to the whole Chloe is not ladylike in the slightest thing. I can be if I try, I can do the whole dresses, skirts and all that stuff but it takes a lot of effort. I have no idea if it will happen again tonight or if Ali is on the brink of murdering me over it…I know I would be!

Thank you

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After my blog post on Monday I have had an outpouring of love and support from so many people. I wanted to use this post to say thank you, for your likes, your messages and more blog follows (nearly 150 now, eek!). I think that it’s an important part of getting better if you, like me, have been living with depression for a long time or if you’ve just entered this part of the roller coster. Support really is everything in getting better and I couldn’t do it without the people around me understanding that sometimes I’ll be stressed about little or nothing, sometimes I’ll cry for days and not know why and sometimes I need to be a little selfish and there for myself more than anyone else.

The whole thing of 1 in 4 people, it’s so much more apparent to me at the moment but it’s not something you can see. You best friend could be depressed, it doesn’t mean you’ll know because you get good at hiding your feelings or avoiding situations where other people can see that something is wrong. I’ve done both and sometimes I still do because that’s just a part of this illness. I’m not going to rant and say it’s horrible, it’s unfair, it sucks. This is just something I have to live with and learn to deal with in my daily life.

I wanted to let you know I am going to be ok! I might be up and down and all over the place and I might not be super happy but being ‘Ok’ will do for now. I think I actually appreciate feeling happy more than other people, being happy makes me feel even better I can take over the world in a good mood. I’ll learn to deal with this but the support I’ve had over the last few days has made me feel better, I’m still very up and down but it helps.

Thank you to all of you

Being honest

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I always want to be honest with you all about how I am. This blog isn’t just about university but also about mental health. At the moment the pressure is building from assignments, readings and getting half way through second year already. It’s not that things are going badly, not at all but I just haven’t been feeling like myself. Lows can last anything from a few hours to a few weeks and the past week hasn’t been my best, it’s been tough and a lot of things have suffered because of it but I’m going to be ok. I have great people around me and I can get back on track once this is over and done with. I have been hurt recently, I’ve doubted myself and the people around me but hey, it’s great song writing material haha.

If I want to do anything I want to make this blog honest. Today is where things have picked up a little talking to friends and feeling a little more in control, as well as knowing I’m not the only one who’s stressed out right now. We’ll get through this, together. I also got to laugh today, a lot and have another gig to look forward to. I’m trying to take this one little step at a time.

Oh and my interview with The Guardian made it in too, check the link here 

COME ON COUGARS!

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Today I witnessed my first live rugby match the Kingston University Ladies team, featuring my beautiful best friend Eleanor doing her thing!!! It was something fab to watch and even though towards the end it was pouring down I didn’t mind standing in the rain, she was in her element! Although it seems like they may have recruited Dani, I won’t be trying out any time soon! The girls won too which was brilliant!

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The day was followed by a nice meal with Eleanor, Daniela and Eleanors brother. This weekend has been relaxing and I had some much needed quiet time. So there will be a lot more Rugby pics of Eleanor’s great legs and maybe Daniela too!

Waiting for the end of the week

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This week has been mostly stress, worry and anxiety and I can’t wait to see the back of it! Goodbye, seeya, over, done. I’ve felt really all over the place this week, although I thought Monday was going to be fine but I ended up just feeling exhausted. It’s been a damn long week full of ups and downs and trying to carry on, hence why there are blogs up, blogs missing. That said you lovely people are still following me, still reading and for that I am eternally grateful. I’m hoping that as tomorrow is the start of my weekend I can relax a little, get things done and just enjoy the company of some good friends oh and my first Rugby match!

So off you go this week, I’m glad to see the back of you and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for next week!