So I thought I’d try something new today. I’ve been holding off vlogging but I needed to practice my speaking skills! Enjoy 🙂
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No rest for the wicked
As usual for me there is no rest, no stopping just keep going,going,going. After yesterday I’m still feeling happy although obviously a little let down that I haven’t passed, it’s only normal. After last night though and some lovely tea with the boys (I’m slowly making Rhys more and more English mwhaha!!!) I had a little relaxing time and then back to fast fast fast!
Today was also another day of waking up as a bag full of nerves, it was presentation day. I’ve been dreading it for weeks my thought pattern has been driving test, presentation, driving test, presentation on and on and on. I also had my last intro to creative writing class, finally although the seminars are the only part of my course I enjoy so I was sad to see it go, you’ll be pleased to know all my course work is now done for the module, onwards and upwards. Either way one of the members of my group is in the same class and had to sit while I freaked out do our points even match? Have we done what they wanted? Do we know the book enough? Serious overdrive in my mind.
I’ll cut it short and say that the presentation went well, despite my nerves we all pulled it off and it seems to have gone down well even with a joking and slightly cheeky response to a lecturers question at the end (it was what he wanted, don’t worry!) before watching a few more and sprinting off to my first Disabled Students Network meeting. I loved it so much, there was fab people, new friends to be made and new ideas. I’ll even be helping in Disabilities awareness week next week by talking to lecturers about mental illness, such an exciting opportunity!
So must be done now your thinking? Nope one more run to make before my day is finally over. Off to the staff canteen to discuss my student blogs for being a Student Ambassador, different to this one but there are big plans in the process and the best bit? I’m being paid to blog, finally! I’ve wanted this for years and I’ll also be helping people make the right choice about uni. It’s all going pretty well but all I wanted when I got back to my flat was to lie down and sleep, when I worked out that wasn’t happening I decided to wash all my bedding before settling down to eat. Apart form I ended up on a spontaneous trip to Asda with Ali.
So if you don’t mind, I think I need my bed.
10 Things I’m proud I’ve done in my first year
As I’ve come to the end of teaching in my first year I wanted to look back on 10 thing I’m really proud of. To others these things might not stand out but they meant a lot to me.
1. My Band
It means a lot to me that I met these guys, I’m closer to achieving my dream of being a musician than I ever was before. I’ve found people that took me on even with my faults. The EP might not be done yet but I’m pretty certain it’s going to be something special, here’s to lots of gigging in second year!
2. I made friends
A picture of me and my lovely Jen. I’ve made friends and lost them this year but that’s ok. I was terrified of not having friends this year and I’ve ended up with some good close friends and some more general friends. The point is that I managed to get out there and meet some people and they liked me! I don’t feel like I need more friends next year, although it would be nice. To those reading I may have only put one picture but you know who you are, I love each and every one of you, thank you for a fab year!!
3. I’m (hopefully) making a difference
And so are you! With this blog! I’ve managed to connect with a lot of people through blogging about my own experiences of mental illness and Dyslexia. From the feedback I’m getting and my ongoing work with the university disability department I’m hoping I can continue to make a change and run for disabilities officer next year.
4. I got my driving confidence
So I haven’t passed…yet. Still I’e got more confident with my driving and know I’ll pass before classes start in September and getting my license will be an amazing feeling. My anxiety and dyslexia will not beat me on this!!
5. I was shortlisted for a KU Talent Award
Out of all of the first years that applied I made it to the final 4 for my category. I had a great night with Mum. I wont lie I was gutted that I didn’t win but there’s always next year and third year…
6. I managed to go to a gig a month
I have seen SO MANY bands since I moved here to name a few Deaf Havana, Paramore, Fall Out Boy, You Me At Six, Tonight Alive, We are the in crowd the list goes on an on I’m so lucky and amazed that so far I only missed one month of gigs! I have so many memories, signatures and I’m not sure about what to do with all those gig tickets…
7. I became a Student Ambassador!
Clearly the best job you can get as a student. From 400 that applied to the final 50 that got the job! I’m so thrilled and couldn’t have asked for better. I can’t wait for the next few years of my job!
8. I got more than one first!
2 so far and hopefully more to come….watch this space!
9.I’ve got the confidence to want to do a masters
Not my best English but I’ve gone from saying I wont go to uni a few years ago to actively saving for my masters degree at Kingston. I nevver thought I’d get this far so I better make the most of it…
10. I survived
This is a huge thing back in September I was terrified. How would I live, handle money, have time with Ali, do all the reading, pass, learn how to cook. I might be exhausted at the moment but I’ve survived and I know I can live away from home now. I wont go as far as saying I’m a grown up but I’ve surprised myself.
So there is just 10 things. I wrote this because I know how up and down I’ve been feeling lately. Writing this blog isn’t always easy when my moods are against me, which in the last few weeks they have been. I’ve been feeling bad lately meaning that thinking of these positive things hasn’t been easy, it’s been a huge struggle. I think overall though I’m doing better, I’ll have blips just like anyone but I’m starting to get better. As a note to you all, I promised an entire year so I will continue writing for fresher until August 31st, then you will be pleased to know I will start ‘Surviving Second Year’ a whole more year for you all! Here’s to a fab summer and the rest of my degree!
Last day but still so much to do
Today was my last day of first year! All my classes are over and technically apart from submissions online I’m on my summer holidays, what a weird feeling to have in March. Unlike my fellow students I am back at Ali’s flat by midnight, not because I didn’t want to party but because I wanted to just curl up and sleep and get away from very rude boys at the SU (although I’m sure if Rhys had caught them they wouldn’t have been so cocky).
To put it lightly for a last day it’s been stressful I hate being a downer but I didn’t enjoy myself today. I’ve been feeling up and down all day and the downs have slightly taken over, it didn’t help that only one person in Creative Writing wished me a nice summer, and I did him, he’s a nice guy. I do wish I’d made more friends in those classes but at the same time it doesn’t matter. I made it through a year of the classes and now if all goes to plan I get to switch to English Lit and the stress will be worth it… I hope. So why so sad you ask? Well housing is driving me mad and I’ve had both some positive and negative responses about the blog lately. People are saying its a world wide web diary. It’s not. It’s me trying to share my experiences and help others through their own with what has worked for me. If this was a diary it would be a lot more angry haha!
So between feeling a bit lonely about my CW course, confused about what I’m meant to do now classes are over and generally tired and stressed about housing and second year all I really want right now is to curl up in bed with a nice cup of tea and try not to worry about one looming deadline in particular…
Here’s to tomorrow, my first day of summer…apparently!
Fall Out Boy!!
Tonight will be a quick post about tonight’s concert, Fall Out Boy! I was lucky enough to get my sister and I tickets for her christmas present, as if that wasn’t enough my Nanna surprised me at the station with my Mum, it was lovely to see her as I don’t as much now I’ve moved up to Kingston. It was also amazing to spend some time with my baby sister and see her enjoying similar music to what I do, we still have a long way to go (even if I beat the One Direction out of her, I’m kidding!) but for tonight we got to rock out. Opening up was New Politics, a damn crazy band from Denmark who I really enjoyed actually then The Pretty Wreckless which I have to say for a band I’ve wanted to see since I was 14 I wasn’t that impressed the singer kind of either stood still making sex noises or crawled around the stage or up the other members…it was interesting. For the main event, Fall Out Boy! You could definitely tell the old fans (me) and the newbies (my sister) by the resonses to different songs. I knew all the words to the old stuff and went pretty crazy and my sister did that to the new album. It’s good I suppose, different fans but it was once concert when I didn’t feel a sense of togetherness and Pete speaks, a lot, a lot, alot.
So here are some picture from tonight! Although not the best I’ve taken but I took them with my sister, which was amazing. Hopefully it’s the first of many gigs together.
No rest for the wicked
As usual for me there is no rest, no stopping just keep going,going,going. After yesterday I’m still feeling happy although obviously a little let down that I haven’t passed, it’s only normal. After last night though and some lovely tea with the boys (I’m slowly making Rhys more and more English mwhaha!!!) I had a little relaxing time and then back to fast fast fast! Today was also another day of waking up as a bag full of nerves, it was presentation day. I’ve been dreading it for weeks my thought pattern has been driving test, presentation, driving test, presentation on and on and on. I also had my last intro to creative writing class, finally although the seminars are the only part of my course I enjoy so I was sad to see it go, you’ll be pleased to know all my course work is now done for the module, onwards and upwards. Either way one of the members of my group is in the same class and had to sit while I freaked out do our points even match? Have we done what they wanted? Do we know the book enough? Serious overdrive in my mind. I’ll cut it short and say that the presentation went well, despite my nerves we all pulled it off and it seems to have gone down well even with a joking and slightly cheeky response to a lecturers question at the end (it was what he wanted, don’t worry!) before watching a few more and sprinting off to my first Disabled Students Network meeting. I loved it so much, there was fab people, new friends to be made and new ideas. I’ll even be helping in Disabilities awareness week next week by talking to lecturers about mental illness, such an exciting opportunity! So must be done now your thinking? Nope one more run to make before my day is finally over. Off to the staff canteen to discuss my student blogs for being a Student Ambassador, different to this one but there are big plans in the process and the best bit? I’m being paid to blog, finally! I’ve wanted this for years and I’ll also be helping people make the right choice about uni. It’s all going pretty well but all I wanted when I got back to my flat was to lie down and sleep, when I worked out that wasn’t happening I decided to wash all my bedding before settling down to eat. Apart form I ended up on a spontaneous trip to Asda with Ali. So if you don’t mind, I think I need my bed.
I didn’t pass, but that’s ok!
I’ve been keeping something back from you all, something that has had me going up and down more times than a yoyo. I had my driving test today, I’ve been hinting at it on the blog for a few weeks but luckily none of you noticed. Before I start this blog I have to thank my best friend Jen, Ali, my parents and my sister. They’ve had to keep me calm for the past few weeks and it hasn’t been easy, there have been a lot of tears.
Jens been at my flat for 8am for the last 2 days running to keep me calm and just talk me through things, my driving instructor has dealt with various panic attacks and tears for the past week. As I said before driving tests wind me up to no end but something amazing happened. After warming up before and constantly stalling, panicking and being sick I started talking to myself. Sounds crazy, right? I’m pleased to say despite not passing I’m very proud of myself. I got in the car and had one panic moment where I started losing control but other than that I talked myself through, I encouraged myself like I was talking to someone else. I thought I failed before I actually did but I got through and it didn’t matter. I even said to the examiner ‘before you tell me can I just say for me getting through that was enough, I’m happy’ which is a huge achievement for me. I’m terrified of failing, I don’t handle it well in the slightest but today it didn’t matter.
What did I fail on you may ask? I didn’t overtake a cyclist and therefore held up traffic for a few minutes. That’s all. So my actual driving? Well enough to pass that damn test! That’s what I’m thinking now, I finally feel safe enough to go out alone in my car, obviously wont but I know I can now once I get that certificate in my hand. Also it passed so quickly and I got my manoeuvre near on perfect even though I had to do it backwards and up a hill.
I would have loved to have passed today, for a moment I thought I had. In a way though failing on something so silly made me more confident. It means I’m a good driver, I am a safe driver. So I got out of the car smiling ran into the flat and gave my instructor the money to book my test again for after the Easter break. I know I can do this now and it took me 4 times of failing to realise that I can do this! I hope it will be next time, I really want to finally have the weight off my shoulders. If it isn’t I’m pretty certain that I will pass before my birthday when my theory certificate runs out.
Either way today meant a lot for me and I’ve been happy ever since, I never thought failing would make me feel so good! So here’s to next time!! Oh and here’s to kicking Depression and Anxiety’s butt!
Nerves.
I don’t handle nerves well.
Ever.
Hopefully I can tell you more tomorrow!
Sunshine can’t solve everything
I’ve written in posts before about the power of sunshine and nature when it come to my depression and anxiety. Lately I’m starting to work out what can calm me moving on from having to sleep or jump in the shower every time. Today has been beautifully sunny but not my my head. It might as well have been rain and thunder. To me this just reminds me of the ups and downs and what things can trigger one of my low days. As I’m writing this, however, I am pleased to tell you the low lifted a few hours ago.
Despite the sun, having breakfast and generally doing all things I should have today I still had a near on hysteric phone call with my Mum and started my driving lesson in tears. As you all know driving is the one thing that really, really gets me down. I’ve tried and failed 3 times and the thought of taking another test makes me feel very sick. That said I need to take it, I have until September to pass before I have to take my theory test again and that’s something I want to avoid at all costs. So I drove and luckily I have a good instructor who says I can drive but my panic moments are where I start to fall apart. There are so many things to remember for the test that you stop doing once you actually pass that it makes my brain hurt. On top of that Kingston and the surrounding areas are HARD to drive in.
I left the car feeling ok but in minutes I was in a state again. Crying and lashing out, I’m not always the easiest person when I’m on a low. With Mum and Ali on the phone as well as my little sister and Jen at the flat I eventually calmed out enough to go wait for a bus. I didn’t observe as much as I normally do, I didn’t smile at people I just wanted to concentrate on getting to Ali’s and just let things go. The bus journey actually helped, I listen to my music, cleared my head and managed to have calmed down a lot once I got to the flat.
Ali managed to do what he does best. I had some quiet time and then we talked things through and cuddled and it was nice to have some time just to ourselves to talk and laugh and he cheered me up. After making sure I was few and watered I came back happier and calmer and had some time with Jen. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better although I know it’s when the pressure really kicks in with everything going on at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
My first day at work
We have a walking talking Banana and Orange….Come to KU!
I’ll admit getting up at 6 and being on a bus by 7.20am was not my ideal way of starting a new job. After Mum and I managed to see the clock at both 2 and 3am I was genuinely surprised I woke up feeling okay apart from a little sick from a lack of food. It was pretty calm for 7am, quiet and not that cold either which felt very nice when I’d had little sleep (although I’m glad I went with jeans instead of shorts).
I ended up being at work early and planned to grab a drink and something to eat but everything was shut, food would have to wait. I got stuck in straight away though and chatting to the other ambassadors, the worries of last night seemed to be behind me thank goodness. We started putting banners up, helping anywhere needed before being assigned our roles for the day. I was going to be on accommodation tours…damn! I was nervous not knowing how they were run and not have the best experience all the time but because I was new I was placed with another ambassador Beth who I already knew and luckily shares the same love of books and certain lecturers. I didn’t need to be worried as after leaving our second tour another coach came and I had to take over….in front of my new boss.
This burst of energy just came out of me, I loved the people and I loved them asking me questions. It was like being on stage working the crowd, making them feel at ease and making them laugh. I done the same tour from 9-3.30 and at one point took a group of 43 people with a fellow ambassador to make sure I was ok. I made a difference! By the end of the day after long conversations about 3 people decided they were going to make Kingston their first choice, one girl after asking what negatives I experienced. I told her that 90% of things like timetable issues would be sorted and said that I found the university brilliant. I wasn’t lying when I told them that coming to university was the best decision I ever made.
The day went very quickly and I made lots of friends and felt like I belonged almost instantly. This is something I CAN do, something I know I’ll enjoy until I leave, hopefully after my masters in 2017! I told people today I was staying for my masters and that’s true I am now more determined than ever to get that scholarship and study!
As work came to a close I was asked to go to the pub with Beth (trying to hide my childlike excitement that I had been invited to the pub by people!) we took a stroll through town after free pastry and then she took me to a lovely pub right on the river and we talked about everything from books to our own lives. Beth is very special, I want more than anything to see her go on to do well because she is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.
The view from the riverside 
Although not at our most glam, Beth and I after a hard days work
I now have a chart on my wall with how many Ambassador things I do, I’m hoping to beat my friend Adams who is a SA celeb around here! With meetings planned ahead and more days work planned I don’t think I’ll ever want to give up this job. Ever!
Chloe Metzger 