It’s no secret that I’m passionate about mental health, nor is it a secret that through my life I have had to deal with bad lows. I’ve watched friends as they hit self destruct and have people close to me who came through after a suicide attempt (and I am thankful for every day I spend with them…you know who you are).

I’m using today’s blog to raise awareness and I know lately my blog has been full of mental health but I want to make a difference. Today has been the first day this week that I’ve felt 100% again after meeting with mentors, going over my plan and carrying on.

Suicidal feelings are not as uncommon as we’d like to think, it’s different from thinking about death. It’s a terrible sense of hopelessness and feelings of everything just being too damn much. It can take a little or a lot to shift a person out of this, for some it’s an attempt that didn’t work, for others it someone to help them or a change in their life. It’s not a set formulae, there’s no magic cure, each case is different because we, as people are different.

There is something we can all do, it’s simple but it could save someone’s life. We need to talk and be open. If any thing losing the great Robin Williams last month has shown that even the brightest people can be hiding the pain they really feel. A person doesn’t suddenly wake up and think ‘I’m going to kill myself today’ listen to the people around you, recognise anything you think unusual and talk to them. You have no idea how much someone just saying ‘how are you really doing today?’ can change someone’s life. 

Some people believe that suicide is a selfish thing. ‘How can they do that to the people who love them!’ people often exclaim. Think about it. Really think about it. These people mostly believe there is nothing they have left to offer the world, they see themselves as worthless and their loved ones would be better without them and their burden. They’re not selfish, they are ill. It is an ILLNESS and I’ll scream that at the top of my lungs if I have to. Some of the most famous suicide notes ever written talk of the love for family, children in particular and feelings that they would be better off without them. This is not selfish behaviour.

All I ask is that maybe today you call someone who’s been feeling down or let someone going through a rough time know that you are there for them, you have no idea the good it could do. I’m not saying everyone is suicidal but as someone with depression a little light can make a world of difference. Just talk.

Rest in Peace to all of those who cannot be with us today.

Thank you for reading,

Chloe

Second year is approaching and not as fast as I would like. Everyone I speak to is so eager to get back to uni and I’m no different. It has been a long 5 months off, I’ve been bored, I’ve been busy. Now I’m ready to get my teeth stuck back into being academic. I’ve been doing my Independent Research Project over the summer research pages, criticisms, novels anything. Books have been brought, papers printed and emails going back and forth.

The boys will all be back by the end of the week, my other friends are slowly coming back and it’s birthday week next week. I’m going to be so busy and I can’t wait for it all to start. For now, I’m struggling through my Victorian Literature reading list, we’ll see how long that’ll take me!

After the birth of HRH Prince George ( I do not own the rights to this photo).

Clarence House has announced this morning that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their second child, a little brother or sister for one year old Price George. The couple (pictured above) have been the source of pregnancy rumours for the past year.

The young couple are ‘very pleased’ to announce the news, however, as with the Duchesses’ last pregnancy she is being treated with morning sickness. Although morning sickness is common in pregnancy  Hyperemesis Gravidarum is an extreme case where women are regularly monitored in hospital as they find it hard to keep down fluids.

Once again the couple will find themselves in the middle of a media storm, back in 2013 the media camped for weeks outside the hospital to catch a glimpse of future King, George. As the count down begins, I wish William, Catherine and George congratulations!

I’ve taken the plunge and challenged the motorway alone! I did it! I drove to Kingston without panicking, totally safe and if I say so myself I did great! There isn’t much to report today apart from coming back to Kingston, I picked up the bands stuff from Ali’s house after spending time just mooching around mine. It wasn’t a big farewell or anything, I’ll be back in Basingstoke next weekend and I’m now going to be seeing my amazing GodDaughter next weekend, yippie! 

I want to focus now I’m back, get back into some routine get focused and know what I want. More than anything I want to get myself settled and feel better. I even have a goal, by May I want to be able to be on my own and feel completely comfortable with it. I want to be able to go on some travels next year, with friends and alone. I don’t want to be too scared to leave Ali or my Mum, I want to have a little adventure. 

Driving today, Athens tomorrow. 

While I’m having fun being at home I don’t feel like writing tonight. I don’t always get to chose how I feel and that in itself annoys me. I want to be happy, have the time of my life whenever I’m with my family but apparently that isn’t happening today. I need to sleep and hopefully feel better tomorrow and spend time with my family.

When I feel this bad I think of these lyrics:

It’s just a spark, but it’s enough to keep me going

and when it’s dark out, no one’s around, it keeps glowing

People will think it’s dorky, stupid even for posting song lyrics in a post but what you need to understand is that when I was at my absolute lowest lyrics got me through it. I’d listen to music all night long when I couldn’t sleep, I’d listen when I was scared and anxious and the words meant more to me than anything.

I don’t know if it’s the tiredness or the fact that I’ve been around over 100 people a day for the past few days. Today I welcomed the quiet, calmness and having some control over things. I got things done when I got up and spent half the day ticking off my to do list and let Ali sleep, really revealing in the quiet and not having to talk to anyone.

You all know I love my job and it makes me happy, every shift that I do. I’ve never had a ‘bad day’ in this job because I feel appreciated and I’m making a difference. This brings my mood up, which I’m always grateful for. The only problem is that I will from one extreme to the other. I’ve spent a good amount of the last month or two alone or with small groups of people, then I go to huge bustling groups, then back to the quiet of our flat. I try as hard as I can to carry on but I do get overwhelmed and frankly exhausted.

I fell asleep this afternoon and when I woke up I didn’t want to answer my phone, I didn’t want to tweet or reply on Facebook. Even my friends I just didn’t want to talk with anyone. So when Ali suggested going to the shops to pick up some bits and pieces we needed I wasn’t up for it. More than that I felt a little terrified. Something in me just shut down, I didn’t want to smile, I didn’t want anyone to touch me, I wanted to stay in the flat.

I’ve had these kind of days before I’d have weekends in my halls room where I would avoid anyone and everyone, listen through the door to check my flatmates weren’t in the kitchen. Towards the end of the year I got better at going out, talking myself through the anxious feelings, so today was a bit of a shock. After an hour of persuaing me, making sure I had a shower and got dressed Ali got me out of the house. I’m nothing but thankful, all that patience and I did feel a benefit. It took quite a while but when I came back from town I was ok and bought some chocolate and magazines partially to pick my self up as well as reward myself.

Now I’m at home with Ali, I’m ok and I’ve eaten. I think he knows how much it means to me that he cared enough to spend so long making me face the world and be ok with how I felt.

Little steps and someone with a very big heart are two of the most important things in beating mental illness 🙂