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Back to Basingstoke :)

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Last night I took a train back to Basingstoke. After a lovely catch up with Eleanor I was in a good mood to head home, even if it was just for the day. I woke up this morning and actually forgot where I was for a second, that was until my dog and then my sister came to wake me up, although I’m pretty sure Lottie’s reasoning was to steal my bed (see the sleepy pup picture? She stayed like that for a good hour).

The reason I’d come home was to see Lexi for her 3rd Birthday! I had a small suitcase full of presents with me. Before that though I spent some time with Mum and with Sums before she went to school. Dad had already gone to work so I decided to persuade Mum to go to the horse riding shop to get some more Jodhpurs, not the kind of clothes shopping she looks forward to. I ended up leaving with two new shirts, Jodhpurs and a chew toy for the dog…spending more than I intended to…oops!

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Then off to my grandparents, who are always pleased to see me, and were impressed with the pink shirt (my Mum and Nanna have been trying to get me to wear pink since I was about 14…it was a slight shock that I picked these out).

When it got to seeing Lucy and  baby girl though I was just so excited. I haven’t seen them since before Christmas with both of us being so busy. So as usual it took Lexi a while to get used to me again and we had to open her presents (the cheapest turned out to be her favourites at first!), as soon as she was though she took off. We had to ‘hide’ in the library and she seemed to forget Lucy was with us. We played and she showed me all the books she liked…including a childs version of Charles Dickens. I told her she wouldn’t like it (known that at 3 years old even a children’s version wasn’t going to be fun), but Lexi being Lexi (and definitely her mothers daughter) was stubborn ‘I like Dicken’s!’ she said and refused to let them go….maybe I should take her to my Victorian to Modernist Lectures?

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Lex with her stack of Dicken’s books, you can see the stubbornness in her smile! 

It was a great afternoon full of cuddles and giggles and hand holding. The love I have for her I really can’t explain, she’s just incredible and so smart. She loves her Mum too, she’s so protective and sweet. Although once she loves you she really does, I know this when she got very concerned I’d disappeared when I went to get my food.

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With Salt the rabbit and Woo the Dog. Both noisy, squeaky birthday presents the rabbit from Lucy’s brother and the dog from me….sorry Luce! 

It’s safe to say I’ve had a great day with family, all of them. I was excited to go home and excited to come back to Kingston. Now I’m in recording listening to Rhys beat the crap out of drums, hopefully it goes well after all I’m feeling pretty damn happy right now.

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Cuddles with baby girl 

Why I love being a Godmother

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Today is Lexi’s 3rd birthday! It’s been three years since I was both terrified and in love for the first time. Let me tell you about the first time I met her, I was absolutely desperate, when Lucy was up to it she asked if I wanted to meet her in town and of course I said yes. This teeny tiny baby girl all wrapped up in her buggy was so, so beautiful and after a while I was able to hold her and she started screaming, and screaming some more. Terrifying. I knew I loved this kid already and I was used to kids but her little roars made me panic, all of which Lucy found hilarious when I told her later.

I’ve been able to watch this little girl grow and become her own little person she’s sweet and funny, she loves pink (which was a huge surprise) and once she gets to know you will talk and talk.

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I love being a Godmother for more than just the normal reason of being able to have them for the day and give them back, although that part is pretty great. I love that I get to be involved in someones life from day one, I get to help out and be there for her mum and also get an idea of what it’s like to have kids myself (if I ever find myself getting broody I’ll ask to see/have Lex for the afternoon and I’m so tired at the end of it I remember why I said not yet). I love when I get text updates about what she’s been doing and what her favourite film is this month.

Basically being a Godmother is the best! Happy Birthday Lexi, I love you so much xx

Picture of the day!

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10407210_10153613102758206_918236493107446324_nI’m off out this evening after a full afternoon of mucking out, riding and assignments! So I just wanted to share my picture of the day (thanks to Laura for taking it). This is Jemima, the first horse I have ever ridden, she was so good today and I’m even closer to being able to go out on a hack!

10 things that helped get me out of a low mood (and hopefully can help you!)

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Ok so I disappeared yesterday because of a pretty crappy low (yay, depression). Now I’m back and I’ve been looking after myself for the past 2 days now I want to share 10 ways to help when you’re on a low. These help for me, hopefully they will for you as well!

1. Take a shower or bath

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When I used to have a REALLY bad low, before I was diagnosed my Mum would always send me to the shower to calm down. Now when I have a low it’s always the things she recommends first. I don’t know why but water has always made me feel calmer.

2. Be comfortable

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When you’re feeling particularly rough you do not need to wear super tight skinny jeans. Today and yesterday were comfy jumper and jean days. Also at night make sure your comfortable with some good PJ’s and an early night, even if you can’t sleep being able to relax will help.

3. Take some time to think about what YOU need right now

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Do you need sleep? Do you need to go for a walk? Be around friends? Work out what it is you want and need to make yourself feel even a little bit better. I’ve had plenty of days where for the morning I had to be alone but later my friends made me feel a lot better. It’s a personal thing and taking baby steps if you need to.

4. Talk it out or write things down

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Some of my best songs have come from horrible moments. Writing or talking, generally just getting it out of your system is healthy. Of course there are other ways too, some people do art or sport, whatever works for you.

5. Eat some good food

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Screw the diet. Comfort food is the best. For me a bit of chocolate and a good cup of tea can really make all the difference.

6. Get some natural light

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10 minutes of sunshine is proven to boost Serotonin levels, even if it’s overcast try and go outside. I know what it’s like when all you want to do is lie in the dark and forget everything. When I feel like that and just want to be alone I walk to my local shop, it only takes 5 minutes and I don’t talk to everyone

7.Exercise

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When I used to hear this I used to get irritated, why if I didn’t want to get up would I want to exercise? I know by now that just being around the horses lifts my mood and going riding is great to make me have a more stable mood, it gives me something else to think about. I can’t ride every day though, so Sunday I decided to head to the pool (the only other exercise I can stand) I only done half an hour but felt much better.

8. Put yourself around people who make you feel happy

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It usually takes me a little while to get to this part. For the first part of my lows I normally want to be alone but gradually I’m ok being around people. Moving in with Ali was a hugely positive part of getting better since moving to uni, sometimes I’ll see friends or text my mentor to see her but I almost always phone my Mum to talk things over. Support is always key.

9. Have a little treat

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If I’m sad and go wandering I usually buy myself a little something partly to cheer myself up and partly because I left the house, because sometimes that’s the absolute worst part. It’s usually just something small, a bar of chocolate, cupcake or a book, whatever money I have spare really.

10. Don’t be so hard on yourself

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Everyone has good and bad days, depression or not. Don’t blame yourself if you’re out for a day or even longer, just work through as best you can and don’t beat yourself up!

My Big Mouth: If it’s not your body, it’s not your decision.

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After watching the BBC3 Documentary on abortion in Ireland this week I decided that it was right to write this post. Despite abortion becoming legal in the 1960s in Britain, Northern Ireland decided that they did not want to partake in this. Getting an abortion in Northern Ireland is illegal, meaning many women resort to either trying to induce an abortion themselves or paying out to travel to England for the procedure.

When I was younger I didn’t understand why anyone would get an abortion, who didn’t want a baby? The older I got, however, I realised that the issue wasn’t as black and white as it seemed. For any woman getting pregnant brings anxieties, for someone who was desperately trying not to get pregnant it can be heart breaking because no matter how careful people are there is always a chance, which some people seem to forget. More often than not there is a stigma of an accidental pregnancy even though we’re all aware that condoms split, pills fail and there can be defective implants and yet women are still judged and in some parts of the world treated like criminals.

I’ve never had an abortion, I hope that I never have to. I do, however, have friends who have gone through a lot I’ve had friends who felt the only option they had was to have an abortion: I have friends who have had miscarriages and have to deal with that heart break, I have friends who continued with the pregnancy and others who can’t get pregnant at all. My point is that each woman is individual, they have their own thoughts, plans and having a child should not be forced upon them. I did research into the idea that it is ‘killing’ a child, apart from the foetus cannot feel pain at this point.

Do I think the limit should be lowered? Yes. I think that 20 weeks is too late for an abortion in my personal opinion, just because of the rate in which we can premature babies alive, this is one of the grey areas. That said, the majority of abortions happen way before this point when there is no change a foetus could have life as for a long time it is not a ‘baby’ as we see it, but cells. As harsh as I know that sounds it is the image of this perfect baby from conception which can lead women to reacting in a way they otherwise wouldn’t. This needs to be handled from a medical perspective, not one of emotions.

Which is why when I see protestors outside of abortion clinics or standing in the street yelling abuse and holding horrific pictures to women ,who frankly have enough going on without it, I get angry. Who are THEY to impose their beliefs on another persons body? I doubt there are any women who are happy to go through an abortion, it’s not pleasant and it’s nothing someone sets out to do. I don’t care what your religion says, it is that woman’s choice and often they are thinking of the implications of the sort of life a child would have at that time.

So yes, I am pro choice. I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business quite frankly and we do not need to shame a woman but let her live her life without shame, embarrassment and stigma.

Harry Potter Book Night – London

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Tonight I was lucky enough to be a part of Harry Potter book night! A whole night dedicated to the Harry Potter books and magic. For a nerd like me I was beyond excited after getting tickets a few months ago. I have to admit though when I first put the uniform on I looked about 14…which came in handy later when I got children’s prices for things, hahaha.

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I met Joe in central, getting no strange looks as of yet, that was until I had my cloak on going up the escalators to get to the street then there were a few laughs and giggles. It seemed weird that there weren’t more people dressed up, the closer we got the more I started to laugh, surely we couldn’t be the only ones dressed up?

Luckily we weren’t, nor were we the oldest there, in fact there were only a few kids at all (but they did have the best costumes). The evening itself wasn’t bad apart from being read to, one of my biggest peeves even when I was a kid. Unless you’re JK Rowling you can’t read to me and expect me to enjoy it. That said after a bit I warmed to the idea. Then the competitions started, of course I wanted to win and even the girl next to me agreed my hand was shooting up so fast it felt like Hermione was sitting next to her.  My Hermione-like ways won me a copy of Harry Potter with the new cover! Free books are always the best fun for me.
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I also managed to make a friend below is Pepper, an adorable 7 year old who is finding Harry Potter for the first time. She chatted, had made her own owl and won a prize for best costume (the hat was also pretty cool). I loved talking to her and her Mum because it reminded me (and Joe) that there are kids still finding harry for the first time! It seems so long ago since I did. It is amazing and I hope that I can pass on the love of that world to my own children later on.

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Pepper with her prize! 

I was also fortunate enough to meet and get my book signed by the new illustrator and hear how he created the covers after NEVER watching or reading Harry Potter! I couldn’t believe it! That said, I think that it made the covers better, he wasn’t influenced by anything. The covers are truly based on the words, which is pretty incredible.

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Original artwork on display! 

All in all it was a great night even if it didn’t last long and it ended after I’d managed to fall on my face, before going for cocktails! I had a great catch up with Joe and got to celebrate some of my all time favourite books 🙂

Evening thoughts

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I want to write every day. I’m not as good at it as I used to be, partially because I spend time outside doing things rather than staring at the same four walls nearly every night. I don’t know how I feel right now. I don’t feel great but at the same time I don’t feel depressed, just deep in thought about anything and everything. Ok that’s not strictly true, I’ve thought a lot about depression tonight.

I can’t go into detail, nor would I want to, but hearing about a young girl who is being bullied and even slightly thinks about ending her life isn’t ok with me. Ok so she might not be serious about it, but you never know. My sister’s at an age now where a lot of her friends have issues, at the age where people are very likely to develop things like depression, self harm and eating disorders. Being a teenager is so confusing and worrying and really bloody stressful.

It’s known on this blog that I have depression but I suppose on here I don’t go into detail about some of my history, it doesn’t hurt any more but I guess I want this to be a positive blog and well, it’s a very long and negativemy part of  past. I had Ali who I’m sure already knows how important he was to me in helping me carry on in some of the worst times. I still have times when I completely break down, where I scream and I can’t breathe and everything just gets a little too much… He picks me up and let’s me cry until I’m ready to talk about it.

It’s not just Ali that have seen these meltdowns (which used to be a lot more frequent), my family did and I worry the most about my sister. I wonder how she would have turned out if she hadn’t experienced me being so ill and I think that’s the hardest thing to face, that she was so young when I was so ill. I have to say though I’m so proud of her, she’s growing up to be an amazing person, she’s caring and intelligent and knows she can talk to me about what’s going on with her or her friends.

The older she gets the more she’s exposed to and that terrifies me. I wish I could just wrap her up and run so she doesn’t have to know about how hard people hurt sometimes and what can come of it. I’m as honest as I can be with her, she’s still only young, and I answer any questions she has best as I can. My main thing is that I want her to be happy and to be ok, I never want her to hurt like I did. I know my family are great, she’s in good hands but I don’t know it’s a sisterly protection thing I think. She has our parents and family but it’s like I need to know she’s ok, I need to know when she’s sad and how to help. We’ve got a good relationship, great even, and I couldn’t live without her, when I moved I think she was the person I was most worried about leaving home and part of that was out of fear and panic, all I could think is What if she turns out like me? Like in some way I’d be responsible and yes to a point I do panic that her seeing me the way I was is going to affect her in some way.

It’s not only her it’s my family, Ali. When you’re really ill you just feel guilt all the time and the better I get the easier it gets to not blame myself, to actually believe that I was ill, not horrible. I was difficult and upset, but to them all I’m eternally grateful. I like to think that with every little triumph for me my family are there with me and now the friends who I’m opening up around.

So there are my thoughts for tonight. I don’t know if they make sense, I don’t care about the grammar, the punctuation. Sometimes you just need have to write.

A little message to my friends

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There is something about song lyrics, especially those other people have written that makes it so much easier to express myself. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately and so instead of writing a funny post or a list I wanted to write, well, straight from the heart. There are many amazing people in my life, people who are not my family but I know they’re there for me, I like to take the time sometimes to tell them this. So here we go, if February is the month of love there are a lot of people who I’d like to declare it for, so in no particular order.

Jordan

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       Next year it will be 10 years,I think, since you moved all the way to Australia packed with a teddy and drawings. I remember the tears, the worries, the long emails as we started to grow up without being next to each other. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard. From ‘stealing’ you when we were 7/8 to now when we’re both in our 20s (gulp), you’re now as much of an old woman as me! You’re always there, even when we haven’t spoken in weeks, we don’t need to. You were always proud of everything I achieve and for that I’m eternally grateful. I love you and I’ll come see  you as soon as I can, Happy Birthday. 

Lucy P 

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Hey Frizz, god what an awful nickname. You gave me one of the greatest things in my life a beautiful goddaughter who I can’t help but love and reminds me of you so much. We’ve fought…a lot, time and time again but somehow we always end up stuck with each other, even more now that the princess is involved. We get to freak out about getting all old and laugh at everyone who used to pick on us at school (oh what fun!). Thanks for not only sticking it out but helping to give me a reason not to give up when things get tough, someones got to be a bad influence on your daughter 😉

Lucy B 

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Fellow emo, fellow panicker, fellow MCR addict. Out of our entire group at school you’re the only girl still around and we tend to turn into 15 year olds again whenever we’re around each other although by now we’ve replaced the eyeliner and lace skirts for jeans and vodka. You’re crazy, as much as me and I love you for it, next time we’re both around it’s a noodle date.

Eleanor

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Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor. I don’t even know how I can begin to explain how much I love you, you’re my partner in crime. You just seem to understand and most of the time you’re just on the same page…the other times I can count on you for a good debate. You give me a kick up the ass when I need it and then other times you’re the hug that I need. Oh and we laugh, we laugh so bloody hard when we’re together, even when we’re supposed to be being deadly serious, but I guess that’s what makes the library sessions so great. You’re my cheerleader and I hope that I’m the same for you. I love you so, so much.

Daniela

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‘I can’t even’, just can’t even imagine my life without you in it. It’s thanks to you that I now have some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my entire life. You’re so sweet and thoughtful as well as being my favourite dizzy blond and always there for a cuddle. I can’t thank you enough and I don’t think I ever will for inviting me out last year even when I was so quiet and probably a little bit weird. Now you’ve got me going out, doing shots and actually being a little social butterfly like you! If you hadn’t guessed by now I love you so much.

Amy

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Amy! You’re crazy enough to get onto a horse with me. You may be quiet but that doesn’t mean I forget you, you always make me laugh with some of the things you say and I can always rely on you for long term relationship advice. You share my old soul too, loving books and tea, although I have to say you’re damn brilliant when we go out together, those moves are damn fab! I loves yoooou

Maisha

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I swear I lose you every week titch. The only human being I know who is so small, which I think is why you disappear but it doesn’t matter because when we are together we are always laughing at the most stupid things. I love you!

Laura 

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I don’t have a picture of us but this is my first lesson! 

Who else would let me near their horse and trust me not to race off and get lost! We’ve only been friends this year but I’ve learnt so much from you. You’re definitely my coach when it comes to riding and just the sweetest person I’ve ever met. You always encourage me, even when I just can’t get a lesson to go how I wanted it to. I can’t wait to go on a hack together, let’s hope I don’t fall off! I love you!

Summer- Rose

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Ok so I cheated with this one, she is my sister, but she’s also my best friend and the one person I can rely on without question for the rest of my life. I’ll keep this short due to the cheating but you’re cute and a madame and when I grow up I want to be just like you.

Rhys, Dan, Ben, Ali

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You’re all special to me, individually but it’s as a group that I feel most at home. We drive each other crazy and spend so much time together now, and well it looks like we’ll be spending even more together. Before I was in this band the thought of heading out on tour and playing every single month was really nothing more than a dream and then I met the four of you. So let’s,you know, take over the world and stuff

Joe 

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You drive me insane. Literally insane. Sometimes I don’t get you and other times I understand perfectly what you want to/ are trying to say. You’re miserable and grumpy but really you’re not, you’re damn soft…sorry I guess I just let that out! You were the first friend I had in this place and hopefully we’ll still be stuck together at the end of it. You’re my favourite art geek and definitely a Harry.

Ali

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Do I have to even write this? I’ll say it simply you’re probably my favourite human so I think I’ll stick around if that’s ok?

The Pier.

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From time to time I write stories, I wanted to share this one with you.

Walking along the pier she could almost imagine that nothing had changed. She could still feel the sand under her toes, the sun prickling on her skin and through her t-shirt, although by now she’d stopped pretending she was a princess. Of course things had changed, she’d swapped a bucket and spade for a camera and notebook, her fathers hand for a pair of dark sunglasses. The Ocean was something that caught her in the middle, of course it changed but it stayed the same.

She listened to the waves before looking up towards the sky, throwing her head back she listened. The seagulls circled, calling to eat other about the nearest bit of food. The children screamed and ran while the water chased them, destroying their castles, it didn’t matter they’d soon make another. The plink of the amusement park and the whirr of the candy floss spinning. She followed the sounds she used to squeal over, being silent now.

Her feet took off up the banks and closer. She pushed the glasses up her nose and pulled her hat down a little more. The boards creaked beneath her and she let herself look below, to the waves gently lapping it was almost inviting. There was a time when she would scream, not wanting her feet to touch the ground, she was certain she was going to fall. As soon as the thought ambushed her, her fingers found the pole and gripped almost involuntarily. They used to carry her, taking it in turns, so she could just bury her head and listen without being scared.

She wasn’t scared as much now, not that she would admit it anyway. Of course most things were how she always wanted them now, more than she could ever imagine but with that came a tightness in her chest. She wanted to come here whenever her body threatened to out her, but it would be months before she came again. She picked up the camera and began clicking again at anything, everything, until she found it.

It wasn’t significant to anyone else, just one of the many benches along the Pier. Even on this busy day it was free, call it destiny or whatever you want, she didn’t really care. She lowered herself, lifting her face so that the sun caught her freckles.  This is where her fortune was told, not by someone magical, well not to you or I. They told her about the future while she craned her neck to see the sea, they held her hand and told her just what was to come because no one but her could do it.

A tear escaped and she doesn’t wipe it away. The notebook opened and her hands craft what they were meant to. The Pier, the same, different and a part of her all at the same time.