Evening thoughts

I want to write every day. I’m not as good at it as I used to be, partially because I spend time outside doing things rather than staring at the same four walls nearly every night. I don’t know how I feel right now. I don’t feel great but at the same time I don’t feel depressed, just deep in thought about anything and everything. Ok that’s not strictly true, I’ve thought a lot about depression tonight.

I can’t go into detail, nor would I want to, but hearing about a young girl who is being bullied and even slightly thinks about ending her life isn’t ok with me. Ok so she might not be serious about it, but you never know. My sister’s at an age now where a lot of her friends have issues, at the age where people are very likely to develop things like depression, self harm and eating disorders. Being a teenager is so confusing and worrying and really bloody stressful.

It’s known on this blog that I have depression but I suppose on here I don’t go into detail about some of my history, it doesn’t hurt any more but I guess I want this to be a positive blog and well, it’s a very long and negativemy part of  past. I had Ali who I’m sure already knows how important he was to me in helping me carry on in some of the worst times. I still have times when I completely break down, where I scream and I can’t breathe and everything just gets a little too much… He picks me up and let’s me cry until I’m ready to talk about it.

It’s not just Ali that have seen these meltdowns (which used to be a lot more frequent), my family did and I worry the most about my sister. I wonder how she would have turned out if she hadn’t experienced me being so ill and I think that’s the hardest thing to face, that she was so young when I was so ill. I have to say though I’m so proud of her, she’s growing up to be an amazing person, she’s caring and intelligent and knows she can talk to me about what’s going on with her or her friends.

The older she gets the more she’s exposed to and that terrifies me. I wish I could just wrap her up and run so she doesn’t have to know about how hard people hurt sometimes and what can come of it. I’m as honest as I can be with her, she’s still only young, and I answer any questions she has best as I can. My main thing is that I want her to be happy and to be ok, I never want her to hurt like I did. I know my family are great, she’s in good hands but I don’t know it’s a sisterly protection thing I think. She has our parents and family but it’s like I need to know she’s ok, I need to know when she’s sad and how to help. We’ve got a good relationship, great even, and I couldn’t live without her, when I moved I think she was the person I was most worried about leaving home and part of that was out of fear and panic, all I could think is What if she turns out like me? Like in some way I’d be responsible and yes to a point I do panic that her seeing me the way I was is going to affect her in some way.

It’s not only her it’s my family, Ali. When you’re really ill you just feel guilt all the time and the better I get the easier it gets to not blame myself, to actually believe that I was ill, not horrible. I was difficult and upset, but to them all I’m eternally grateful. I like to think that with every little triumph for me my family are there with me and now the friends who I’m opening up around.

So there are my thoughts for tonight. I don’t know if they make sense, I don’t care about the grammar, the punctuation. Sometimes you just need have to write.

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