Star Wars: The Force Awakens


After weeks of having Star Wars constantly on the brain today I got to put on my new jumper and head into a galaxy far, far, away. Yes, I got to go and see Star Wars: The Force Awakens today with Ali after booking what seems like a lifetime ago. I’ll say now this WILL NOT have spoilers, because I think that’s cruel to all the people who haven’t seen it yet. That and someone ruined a big plot point for me on Twitter and I have a special hatred for them that will last a lifetime.

Did I like the movie? Yes, of course I did. I was apprehensive before going in and kept reminding myself that this was a new film, new characters and just to enjoy it for that but as soon as the music started I had a chill down my spine and squealed. Of course it’s common knowledge that the original heroes are back and of course they were incredible (there’s no question about that) but I need to focus on the new trio.

Rey, Finn and Poe are going to be incredible through the next set of films, I’m calling it now. All three actors were absolutely phenomenal and were working with an incredible script that made you fall into the story seamlessly. The boys both had a brilliant on screen dynamic and really gelled I felt but it’s Daisy Ridley that I have to give a special mention to. She’s had minimal acting experience but there is no way that you would know, her performance of Rey was flawless and I’ve fallen in love with both Daisy’s character and her acting.


The only thing I’m still not sure about as I write this is how I feel about our new Dark Side. Despite all the promo Captain Phasma didn’t seem to be that much of a big deal to me, she looked cool but I don’t know how vital she is to the story. Additionally I’m not 100% on Kylo Ren as a villain at this point, I have a feeling that as the movies continue our new villain will be one of the greatest but I’m just not feeling it yet.

So I’ve left the theatre feeling a spectrum of emotions and my overwhelming feeling is that I need to see it again as soon as possible. The Star Wars franchise is very much back and I’m already obsessed over theories for the next film. Only a year and a half to go!

The world and my mind

This will only be a short post. Yesterday I didn’t write, I slept until 1pm and spent the rest of the day switching the news on and off every other hour to see updates of the situation in Paris, reading about other events that caused destruction in the world and trying to distract myself with tv shows and work I had to do.When something like this happens you realise that you need happiness in your life, you need to appreciate the little things, because if the attacks on public places in Paris taught us anything it’s that no one knows what’s going to happen day to day.

It’s been no secret that I’ve been struggling for the last 6 months or so and while I was upset about Paris there were other things that were bothering me. Things that, while they might not mean a lot to anyone else, meant a lot to me and I was having lows. That said I felt like I couldn’t speak about how I felt because there was so much suffering in the world and while normally I’d spend the weekend or any time alone I had working through things, what has been happening meant I felt uncomfortable to even think about.

Today I got to see my mental health team and they understood what I wanted to say and why I didn’t feel I could say it. Those old words ‘everyone is fighting their own battle’ is true and I could finally talk without feeling like the most selfish and self absorbed person ever. I cried tears for the people lost across the world over the weekend but for today I needed to focus on myself again.

I made some important decisions today and while I don’t feel that I can talk about them on here yet, I hope that in the near future I can write about them. I never expected something that didn’t even happen to me to have such a big effect on me, if that makes sense. What’s been going on has just reinforced that life’s too short to spend it unhappy, especially for someone who cannot always have happiness.

I hope this blog made some kind of sense and I promise it will all be more coherent when I’ve had a proper night’s sleep.

Night guys, stay safe.

We need to talk about Refugees


The majority of the western world was shocked into silence this week as a picture of a child, washed up on the shores of Turkey, was plastered across the media. From that point onwards we are all questioning why and how this has been allowed to happen, how a toddler and wind up thousands of miles from home dead on a beach. The image shocked us and it made me sit and research and understand these people and their stories and I just wanted to sit and cry and do anything I could to help.

It would be too easy to just say the parts of the media lie, we know they do. The majority of British papers have recently been talking about the ‘migrant crisis’ the mere words are a lie, they also lied about a recent train my friends were delayed on from Paris, it was issues with the train. These are not people risking their lives, risking the lives of their children for free money and healthcare that the UK can offer.We cannot call them migrants, they have not left because they want to or it’s preferable for them, they have fled from their homes, from what they know because otherwise who knows what they’ll face or if they’ll survive it.

If we’re going to decide, let those who need the help most receive it, children and the elderly. Extend our arms and hearts like Germany has because what happens is it will be remembered. People are not looking for 5 bedroom houses, luxury meals and gastric bands, they are begging for clean water, enough food to keep them alive and medicine for their children. Can we really deny a child the right to a life because they were born into a war zone?

I don’t know what I can do right now, I don’t have money to donate or things like that but I know that I have this little corner of the internet where I can show my support for the refugees and plead with British officials to help them. I will happily give my taxes in this time of need. I know there are children in this country suffering and I wish I had the answers to help everyone and it makes me so heartbroken and frustrated because I just want to help.

I stand with you refugees. I hope the rest of my country do too.

I miss fitness! My thoughts on ‘being brave’ and keeping going.


Now I’ve said before that I’m not a health and fitness fanatic. If there was an option between a healthy snack and something covered in chocolate I’d bite your hand off for the chocolate. I made some healthier choices this year, I walked to uni most days (unless it was a Thursday morning, early starts after a late night are not a good idea), I swam occasionally and for the first time in my life I embraced a sport and did it every week. I’m also stubborn and have a rebellious streak. Normally if someone told me that I wasn’t allowed to ride I’d prove them wrong and get on, going twice as fast. I can’t do that right now.

To say that all this stress hasn’t been easy is an understatement. It’s not in the way that people see it. I keep getting told that I’m brave, that I’m so inspiring. To be honest I find it incredible that people are so sympathetic to me fracturing my spine but 6 years of mental health problems didn’t get any cards or bravery speeches, but that’s another blog post. I mean yeah I suppose to other people they really can’t imagine just getting on with life after breaking a vital part of your body, but do I feel brave? No. I just feel like I’m getting on with it. It’s something I spoke to my parents about the other day after people were told about me and just were amazed. It was nice and they were lovely people but I just said to my parents, wouldn’t everyone just get on with their lives? Apparently not, but I was raised to just battle on through.

So after yesterday’s post it’s clear that I’m still up and down, still getting there. Today a low decided to hit. I think it’s post festival blues, combined with stressing about the future and being tired from my back pain. It was relatively normal stuff and I wasn’t miserable or ‘meh’ all day, it was more when I was alone. I realised that the things I’d normally do when I feel bad, I couldn’t do and it just made me want to curl up under my duvet and cry. I didn’t. I finished the book I started reading last night and spoke to a few friends.

I never realised that exercise was something I’d miss, but then again I suppose you don’t until it’s something that you can’t do. I want to do some sit ups to get rid of a little excess weight, I want to sign up to gym, run around with the kids at work, swim without worrying I won’t be able to get out of the pool. Hell I’d like to be able to have a bath without worrying that I will get stuck!

The one thing I have though is writing, writing this or songs or fiction. I have to get out of the clouded stage before I can write anything but I can feel it lifting more and more as I type this. I am struggling a little bit with my exercise and little walks to clear my head. I suppose it’s one of the biggest challenges to my mental health it’s all the things I’d usually avoid. If I try and search for a positive in all this I suppose I can see that I’ve been there once and even though I’ve spent a good amount of time on my own, I’m currently missing my friends like a limb and I deal with physical pain every day I’m getting through it one day at a time.

I know this is a long blog but I can almost bet anything that someone out there will read this and understand. That someone will understand the both freeing and unnerving feeling that I have to go through this low without my normal strategies. I’m ok though, really. I have a good few days lined up and for once I can remember that these lows don’t last forever.

Thanks for reading guys, as usual I’d love to hear from you. Oh! And thank you to every single one of you following me on twitter, another 100 followers in the past few weeks! It really put a smile on my face!

100 questions – get to know me!

I became aware of this from Lazarus and Lithium. I’ve realised how many new people there are to this blog, welcome! I’m so pleased that each and every one of you have chosen to follow my blog, nearly 250 of you now and over 400 on Twitter 🙂 So I’ve decided to let you all get to know me a little better with 100 questions. Have any more after? Leave it in the comments.

1. How are you, really?
I’m in between a lot of emotions right now, part of me is happy and proud of what I’ve achieved, another feels a little lost and misses my old confidence and part of me is a bit sad and in pain in my back.
2. How do you feel right now? What are you thinking about?
I feel ok, I’m thinking about the pain my back (as usual), hamsters and a new video game that’s going to come out.
3.What’s your favorite color?
Baby Blue
4. What’s your favorite food?
Italian is the best
5. What’s your favorite dessert?
Chocolate brownie with ice cream but it has to be made right
6. How old are you?
7. What have you learned today?
My band can always make me smile
8. What was your favorite subject in school?
9. What do you do?
I’m a student, Social Media Coordinator, Freelance Writer, Musician and Student/ International Ambassador
10. What are some of your favorite books?
Nineteen Minutes – Jodi Picoult, The Storyteller – Jodi Picoult, The Colour Purple -Alice Walker, The Fault in Our Stars – John Green, The Art of being Normal Lisa Williamson, All of the Harry Potter Series, I could go on…
11. What are some of your favorite movies?
The Fault in Our Stars, The Devil Wears Prada, Love Actually, The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Harry Potter. I watch more sitcoms than movies to be fair.
12. What kind of music are you into?
SO MUCH! I’m mainly into Rock/Alt Rock/ Pop Punk but I love a good deal of Pop music, 90s Club music, 80s pop. Also love a bit of 1950s Rock n Roll, 1960s too, The Kinks, The Beatles. Also can’t go wrong with some good acoustic tunes to chill out to. Ah love, love, love music, I’ll give anything a listen.
13. If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?

I’m working on a book at the moment, it doesn’t have a name. I don’t want to give too much away but it’s how a couple handles terminal illness along with their teenage daughter.

14. What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?

Go to uni, I was terrified.
15. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

So hard! Umm Right now doing well at uni and the accomplishments within that.

16. Are you married?

Nope, I am happily cohabiting for now 🙂

17. How did you meet your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend?

We met at school 🙂

18. Do you think it’s better to get married when you’re young or better to wait a while?

It think it really depends on the person.Marriage is more to show the rest of the world, you can have the deepest commitment and have a good time without being married. At the same time if I had the money for a good wedding now I’d get married.

19. Do you have any kids?


20. Have you ever thought of adopting?

Yes, it’s something I’m interested in.

21. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A Pop Star.
22. How did you get into health care?
I’m not in health care! But I do raise awareness for mental health!
23. Would you recommend healthcare for other people? Why / Why not?
I think if you can stand things like blood and needles (I can’t) and like caring for people then it can be the best job :).
24. What do you do for fun?
I hang out with my friends/band, I read a lot, I write and I blog.
25. Do you like traveling?
Yes! I like seeing other places but I am a home bird!
26. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?
Hmmm Australia!
27. Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?
Emma Blackerry and Cherry Wallis, J.K Rowling, Alice Walker, Dave Grohl, all of Paramore… there are so many more.
28. If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?

Do what you want to do, not just what you’re told to do.

29. What’s one of your favorite habits you have?

Blogging, if that’s a habit?

30. What are some things that make you really happy?

My boyfriend, my hamsters, family and friends, performing and writing oh and academics, because I’m a geek
31. What are some things that make you really sad?
Suffering, low days, pain, when people are treated badly.
32. What are some things that scare you?
How close I’ve been to losing the ability to walk, dead fish (I know, I’m weird), losing the people I love.
33. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?
I’m a planner! I can be spontaneous though!
34. Are you a religious person?
Nope, Atheist.
35. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?
Sylvia Plath.
36. Would you rather live in the country or in the city?
When I’m writing, the country, when I’m working, the city.
37. What was your life like growing up?
It was full of people who loved me at home and people who despised me at school.
38. What were you like in high school?
I lost myself for a little while, Ali kept me steady but the age of 15 plus was where I was at my most poorly unfortunately. I always tried and worked hard but I wasn’t the most popular kid.
39. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?

1 sister, she’s pretty cool.

40. What’s your favorite part about today so far?
Laughing, smiling, catching up with people I’ve missed.
41. Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?

Honestly, I think Ali. A year into being with me I got sick and lost a lot of hope, he turned me around showed me why uni would be a good idea and just unlocked this confidence.
42. What’s your favorite joke?
I don’t think I have a favourite…
43. Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)

No, no, no,no! Raw Fish? Never.

44. Do you like spicy food?

Nope, give me my Nandos plainish please!

45. How do you like your steak cooked?

Well done
46. Do you have a favorite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?

18 – my birthday 🙂
47. If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?

I’d be a horse, strong, powerful, intelligent.

48. What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?

Been able to shock the nurse by telling him exactly where to take blood from and been right…not that wild.
49. What kind of vacations do you like?

Ones where I can relax or go out and find something interesting to do, where I have the option.

50. What are some of your major goals in life?

To write a book and get my PhD

51. What are some of your smaller goals in life?

Be a good person, try and smile at least once every day.

52. What do you like least about yourself?

That I let other people’s opinions get to me too much

53. What embarrasses you?

When my dyslexia makes me either misspell or completely miss words.
54. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?

Voice Actress

55. What’s your earliest memory?

My aunt taking me to her college library, I was 2.

56. What’s the best decision you ever made?

Going to university, definitely.

57. Who’s your best / closest friend?

My sister.

58. What do you think people think of you?

Haha who knows? In Kingston most people think I’m a nice person, back in Basingstoke not so much.

59. What were your grades like in school?

Good! I left with a Distinction star, a few As, few Bs and a few Cs.

60. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?


61. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I really don’t know. On a low day I’m an introvert but if I’m happy I can be an extrovert

62. Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)

Yes and it was really accurate!

63. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

The way they act around others

64. Do you think people can control their own destiny?.

Yes, definitely

65. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others?

Yes in certain situations some people are more important. Like if it was saving children or adults from a fire, I’d save the children so they could experience life.

66. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?

I think people are basically good, it’s what happens to them that can make them bad. Not an excuse but environment has a lot of influence.

67. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?

Very dependent on the environment and culture you’re in.

68. Do you think God exists?


69. Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?

Sometimes, I’d like to think so but I think it’s mostly human wishing.

70. Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?

I do vote because I’d like to try and make a difference and as many people told me before the last election if you don’t vote you can’t complain.

71. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

No, I think it’s in us from birth. It’s just the way we are.
72. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?

My gut instinct says no.

73. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?

I’d be interested to know what situation this was in but if everyone else was innocent too, I’d rather just the one die…I really don’t want to kill anyone!

74. What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?

I haven’t given money away, I’ve lent a fair bit though to people I trust.

75. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?

Letting myself be happy and be a little selfish when I need it

76. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Listen to my bullies rather than the people who loved me

77. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?

We can stop throwing away food and give it to people in need!

78. What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?

Later starting, more freedom from a younger age and projects as a way of testing. In the real world after school how many tests do we need to take to achieve? Experience is everything, not ticking boxes!!

79. In general, what do you think about art?

It’s expression and something we need in life.

80. What are some of your favorite websites?

All social media sites so Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram. WordPress, obviously. Amazon, Boohoo, Waterstones.

81. What’s the biggest turnoff in a man/woman?

Bad smell *gags*
82. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?

That I was ok, when I really needed someone around.
83. What’s something most people don’t know about you?

When I was a kid I told everyone I wanted a Tots TV tattoo (its a kids show, google it). My Dad had just gotten one, I blame him for my love of tattoos.

84. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

I don’t bite and love to talk!!!

85. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

Check notifications on my phone, kiss Ali while he’s asleep, check my hamster and make a cup of tea.

86. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?

…I don’t know about the worst ever, probably the lowest my depression was at.

87. Do you cry easily?

*sigh* Yes.

88. How do you feel about public speaking?

I actually really like doing it

89. Do you like to talk on the phone?

I talk to my family on the phone all the time when I’m walking places
90. How many emails do you get each week, roughly?

Anything up to 500 a week

91. If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

Emma Stone

92. What’s one of your favorite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?

What books/music do you like?

93. Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?

I like the idea, don’t know if I’m brave enough!
94. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Yes, a few at school.

95. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?

I’m not really a prankster!

96. What did you do on your 16th birthday?

Had a big 16th birthday fancy dress party!
97. What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?

Mental health workers

98. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

Try to smile, but don’t be afraid to cry.

99. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?

Hated, I don’t want to be forgotten,

100. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?

Yes I would, I’ve got so much more to do yet.

There we go! Have you got any more questions for me? Let me know in the comments

Paid Internships Exist! Starting my job as a Social Media Coordinator

We all know the problem with finding a job right? To get the job you need experience, to get experience you need a job. Now I know like the rest of the student population it can be ridiculously hard finding any kind of work experience/ internships. Today I was lucky enough to start mine!

Before getting super into social media I thought about going into teaching or magazine journalism. Now most of the time you need to ‘volunteer’ in schools so I did that under a scheme which luckily made sure I got a bursary payment as I was promoting the university. As for magazines, I am get to find a paid internship that are above minimum wage (seriously try travelling into central London and living on minimum wage while looking good enough to work at a magazine, nope, not happening). So I’ve always been a little cynical about becoming an intern, it’s something that more well off people seemed to be able to do, not people like me. Not any more!

Ready to start this morning, trying out my new lipstick too! 

I applied for the position because firstly, it was paid, secondly, it’s something I’m interested in and thirdly I thought I might as well. I felt like I had a good build up and some experience that would get me an interview, but did I think I’d get it? No. I really didn’t. Although the interview went well I hadn’t had a proper sit down interview for a few years (they’ve all been group interviews for my last few jobs) and there were some questions to make me think. I left and tried to put it out of my mind, knowing that I would know by the end of the day. Then I got an email saying it would be at least another day, maybe more. At this point my spine was still making me sleep almost all the time so I didn’t think too much but the longer it got, the more I thought I hadn’t gotten it. So imagine my surprise when I got the email offering me the job and it would pay a little under what I’m earning as a Student Ambassador.

It was decided I’d start after going to Athens, fine by me seemed like aaaaaagggggeeeeesss away. Nope. Today rolled around and I had everything ready, woke up early, played with the hamsters but I was SO nervous. I couldn’t remember what medication I’d taken and didn’t want to take it again so I was flapping about that. I ended up going with just paracetamol for my back (in hindsight a BAD, BAD idea.) I was worrying, what would people think of my brace? Could I really do this job when I only have 400 followers? I was so nervous/ daydreaming once I got on the bus I nearly missed my stop altogether.

I shouldn’t have worried, I was very well looked after. I was introduced to everyone in the office, a lot of people happened to recognise me from the KU Talent Awards. I’m slowly learning peoples names but I think it will take me a while. I’ve been set up with a staff account, I’ll be getting a staff ID card and can use the canteen…god I’m such a dork. Everything was gone through slowly and my new boss is fab, she’s open to ideas as long as I have reasoning! I’ll also be able to meet some of the fab guest speakers we have coming up (beyond excited).

So I’ve really landed myself a great opportunity, doing something I love. I will still be a Student Ambassador and International Ambassador too! This is just something that is more specific to a career path if I decide that I want a break from academics. I can’t wait to tell you all about it!

I wrote a post a while ago about being brave. This is it. If there aren’t any opportunities for what you want to do then go make some. Start a blog about your interests, do research just because and don’t give up. I never, ever thought I could be an intern and be paid a decent amount, whilst being treated like one of the team. People think that I just get given these opportunities sometimes but, I really don’t I work very hard and stay connected with people, it works!

I hope you all enjoyed reading today ( I know it’s been a long one!) and if you have any questions let me know below!

Banishing Body Blues

Honesty time, I have spend this evening wallowing in my own self pity feeling awful and wanting to cry. Why? You ask? Not the injury, I haven’t failed anything (that I know of), nope I couldn’t fit into last years summer clothes. That’s it. Seems silly right? I’ve spent all evening trying to pal na blog but blocked by this big dark cloud of feeling worthless. So I write a blog (it sucked) and put on my iTunes to Emma Blackery, my favourite Youtuber, her song Perfect sits there. I’ve put it above because it’s such an uplifting song. I started listening to it and I was like yeah you know, I’m okay.

I might not be a size 8 any more and it sucks that some of my clothes don’t fit but right now I’m recovering. I can hardly walk but I’ve been crying over putting on weight? No logic there, right? My family, Ali and Friends tell me that it’s the least of my worries with a fractured spine, if there’s any time not to feel guilty about weight gain, it’s now.

I don’t want to be this critical of myself, if anything I think it’s just wanting control back of my body. It’s just letting me down and I hate it and there is nothing I can do, which hurts the most. Since I’ve been getting better from the depression I’ve wanted to be so positive and do things but I fall down sometimes and want to go back to bad habits. I’m still fighting and I wanted to share this song with you because I know that everyone has their own struggles, something I wrote about a couple of months back.

Am I completely happy and fine and cheery? No, that’s why I wrote this because if any of you are going through the same thing I want you to know it’s ok. I don’t want it to become this big disgusting secret and I might get crap for this but guess what I PUT ON WEIGHT. Just like all of us will at some point in our lives, I might put it on, lose it, I might never reach a size 8 again and I’ll never be the same size as my tiny sister. I’m trying to focus on the positives though, I’m smart, I’m going on a course in ATHENS for my work and can travel with my lovely boyfriend. It’s all about trying to put it in perspective and hopefully I can keep listening to the music until this cloud decides to go.

As always I’d love to talk to you guys so leave a comment! If you want to hear more about Emma Blackery you can also check out her YouTube channel, it’s brilliant. What are you waiting for, click the link here for her regular channel and here for lifestyle and advice!

Evening thoughts

I want to write every day. I’m not as good at it as I used to be, partially because I spend time outside doing things rather than staring at the same four walls nearly every night. I don’t know how I feel right now. I don’t feel great but at the same time I don’t feel depressed, just deep in thought about anything and everything. Ok that’s not strictly true, I’ve thought a lot about depression tonight.

I can’t go into detail, nor would I want to, but hearing about a young girl who is being bullied and even slightly thinks about ending her life isn’t ok with me. Ok so she might not be serious about it, but you never know. My sister’s at an age now where a lot of her friends have issues, at the age where people are very likely to develop things like depression, self harm and eating disorders. Being a teenager is so confusing and worrying and really bloody stressful.

It’s known on this blog that I have depression but I suppose on here I don’t go into detail about some of my history, it doesn’t hurt any more but I guess I want this to be a positive blog and well, it’s a very long and negativemy part of  past. I had Ali who I’m sure already knows how important he was to me in helping me carry on in some of the worst times. I still have times when I completely break down, where I scream and I can’t breathe and everything just gets a little too much… He picks me up and let’s me cry until I’m ready to talk about it.

It’s not just Ali that have seen these meltdowns (which used to be a lot more frequent), my family did and I worry the most about my sister. I wonder how she would have turned out if she hadn’t experienced me being so ill and I think that’s the hardest thing to face, that she was so young when I was so ill. I have to say though I’m so proud of her, she’s growing up to be an amazing person, she’s caring and intelligent and knows she can talk to me about what’s going on with her or her friends.

The older she gets the more she’s exposed to and that terrifies me. I wish I could just wrap her up and run so she doesn’t have to know about how hard people hurt sometimes and what can come of it. I’m as honest as I can be with her, she’s still only young, and I answer any questions she has best as I can. My main thing is that I want her to be happy and to be ok, I never want her to hurt like I did. I know my family are great, she’s in good hands but I don’t know it’s a sisterly protection thing I think. She has our parents and family but it’s like I need to know she’s ok, I need to know when she’s sad and how to help. We’ve got a good relationship, great even, and I couldn’t live without her, when I moved I think she was the person I was most worried about leaving home and part of that was out of fear and panic, all I could think is What if she turns out like me? Like in some way I’d be responsible and yes to a point I do panic that her seeing me the way I was is going to affect her in some way.

It’s not only her it’s my family, Ali. When you’re really ill you just feel guilt all the time and the better I get the easier it gets to not blame myself, to actually believe that I was ill, not horrible. I was difficult and upset, but to them all I’m eternally grateful. I like to think that with every little triumph for me my family are there with me and now the friends who I’m opening up around.

So there are my thoughts for tonight. I don’t know if they make sense, I don’t care about the grammar, the punctuation. Sometimes you just need have to write.

On the inside

It’s been a while since I’ve written about mental health, one of the many reasons I started this blog. I haven’t really had much to complain about lately, a job I love, a course I love, friends, my boyfriend and everything else I’ve been writing to you all about. Sometimes you can get swept up in all the good things and get a little over confident, something I’ve dealt with a few times in my life.

I spoke to a friend tonight who thankfully understands this, she’s one of the nicest people I know and also deals with mental health on a daily basis. It was a relief to talk to someone who understands. So much is going right in my life that people don’t understand that the depression doesn’t just go away, if only it was that easy. I’m dealing with a lot of new things and although everything is great sometimes I’m still sad. There are times where it’s for no reason what so ever I get ill, I’m angry ,irritable and teary. I got overwhelmed at a work training session today, it was lovely to see everyone but it just felt too much.

Sometimes I get angry with myself over this, especially when it influences other people, Ali in particular. It isn’t his fault I’ve had a long day and I’m tired and irritable but I unleash this monster, stomp around and I’m not very pleasant to be around. It takes a special kind of person to willingly live with a person with a mental health problem especially when things can change so rapidly.

I’m ok I can promise that but sometimes no matter how well everything is going I have dips, it’s only natural.