Kids and Christmas

Dec 23, 2015Leave a comment

Lexi with one of her presents

Today one of my FAVOURITE parts of Christmas celebrations happened. Every year me, my sister Summer, my oldest friend Lucy and little Lexi meet up to see each other and exchange presents. Summer plays with Lexi and Lucy and I get to catch up while they run around. Every time I see Lexi she’s shot up even more and she’s the funniest and cutest little kid ever (at one point picking out an Auntie card and handing it to me, so freaking cute).

I’ve written about how amazing it is to be a Godmother/Auntie many times. I’ve documented Lexi’s life through pictures on my phone and I will be doing that for many years to come. She loved the presents she got from everyone (the Belle soft doll in the picture is from the US, my Mum got it when she went earlier in the year) and this is the best reaction to presents. Kids being excited is one of the most awesome parts…I also get excited on a kid level….whoops.

As you all know I don’t have any human children of my own. BUT I do have hamster babies which I may have, sort of, spoilt when I went to the pet section of Wilkinson today. I have heard though from everyone I know with sprogs that when you have them christmas gets even more amazing because seeing their faces makes the day magical. I have to say just by seeing how Lexi reacted today I can understand how people say that, it was adorable.

My fur babies

Even though I’m 21 now and my sister is 14 we still get stockings and sent to our rooms early on Christmas eve so the house can be decorated for the day. We still wake up at stupid o clock in the morning, but now we take selfies while we wait, oh and we still get filmed opening all of our presents. Spending time with my sister, seeing Lexi and Lucy and just being home has got me so excited for Christmas now! I’m going to enjoy however long I have of being young, childless and acting like a big, excitable kid!

10 Reasons to Keep Smiling

Oct 6, 2015Oct 5, 2015Leave a comment

We all have days where we need a little pick me up, sometimes for no reason. I decided to write 10 reasons to keep smiling, even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing. The days are getting shorter and I for one know I have had a bit of rough time lately so I hope you enjoy!

1. Smile at others

This really does make you feel better! I usually like smiling at old people because you just see their whole face light up and it makes me feel good as well as them! Just one smile can change another persons whole day as well as yours!

2. Do something you love

We all have loves, hobbies or just little things we enjoy doing. Since I’ve had to give up horse riding (which is really, really hard but not worth the risk to my health) I’ve had to find other things to do to unwind. Now I’ve started to write and draw more.

3. Be around people who make you feel good

There is nothing worse than being around people who put you down or make you miserable. If your having an off day then staying away is a must! Stick around the people who make you smile just from their company and you’ll feel much better.

4. Write a list

Write a list of things you need to do, things you’ve done, anything! If your struggling breaking it down can make you go ‘oh okay that isn’t as bad’. If you’re feeling happy anyway why not write a list of things you enjoy, places you want to visit etc (my top tip write in funky colours!). If I’m really down I try and write down things to be grateful for.

5. Think of 5 things you are grateful you have

I used to do this on the way to school to cheer myself up, it would make me focus on the positives in my life and then the negatives didn’t seem so bad at all. There are really simple thing to be grateful for for me they’re things like having a family to love and support me, that I can make music, that I have my education and a strong and solid relationship.

6. Comfort food IS OK!!!!

I hate fad diets, if you want to eat then go eat. I can’t stand people talking to me about calories or trying to make me feel bad. Don’t let others dictate to you what you should eat if I want to go to McDonalds or get some chocolate I will, regardless of anyone else!

7. Turn the music up and dance like nobody can see you

This is great especially when your cleaning just dance around like your bonkers and make yourself laugh. I like doing this with my sister when we agree on music 🙂

8. Give someone a hug

Hugs are great, I love hugs.

9. Read a good book 🙂

Oh come on could I really leave this out?! Reading just takes me away to an entirely different place.

10. Laughter is really the best medicine

I will watch funny Youtube video, stand up comedy and movies. That or I’ll be around people I know I love to laugh with.

Laugh lots. Laugh while you love. Laugh while you live.

What are your reasons to keep smiling?

I survived second year! – 10 best bits

Aug 31, 2015Leave a comment

I did it! I’ve reached the end of the second year of my blog and second year of university. As of tomorrow it will be September again and I’ll be heading back to uni at the end of the month to take on my third year!

This year has been pretty special I’ve learnt a lot and changed a lot. I’ve lived with Ali for over a year now, I was finally allowed to join full field English Literature, made more friends than I thought I possibly would, made a good dent in my mental health recovery, been generally happier, played a load of shows with the boys, took up a sport for the first time since I was 9, won a KU Talent Award, got another job that I love, travelled for uni and broken a part of my back. If that isn’t a crazy year I don’t know what is. I’ve absolutely loved second year. I’m not going to say there weren’t point when I really struggled, because I did but the difference is that I had more people to support me through this year than I have in a long time.

I could write so much about every aspect of second year because it’s been one of the greatest, no matter how it ended. I’ve made new friends and stayed in touch with some others and the thought that I’m going into my last year of undergrad is scary! So for you all tonight I’ve put 10 of my best bits of second year and I’ll remember it with warm memories for the rest of my life.

I finally got my two little adorables this year, Noodle and Hamski. Even if they have had to be separated now I’m so in love with both of them ❤

2. No People Club played a lot this year. We spent a lot of our weekends loading up my little car and driving to shows in London, Kingston, Basingstoke and Portsmouth. I’m gutted we had to take a break while my spine healed but we’ve got more stuff planned for the next year and it’s going to be awesome. We also have our awesome fan and sticker guy, one of my best friends Joe, who’s stuck around too.

3. My second tattoo finally happened! When I found out I wouldn’t be going to Foo Fighters because they’d sold out of disabled tickets I was heartbroken so I got this tattoo instead. I’ve been very up and down this year and not as stable as I’d like but I’m assured that most people would have lows after a big break and spinal brace let alone someone with depression.

4. I got to go to Athens. I was so, so thankful to be given the opportunity to go to Athens and not have to pay the Creative Writing course fee. Although I was supposed to be going on my own initially, Ali got to come with me because I was still using my wheelchair and not able to move as much. A fab first holiday and it got my creative brain going!

5. I got my KU Talent award for Overcoming Adversity to Achieve, awarded to be by Sir Trevor McDonald who I actually had a great conversation with while we were sitting at the same table. I’m still gobsmacked I won as there were so many amazing people. I’m so proud that I now work for KU Talent and will get to attend this years awards too!

6. I started Horse Riding! In October I had my first ride and I was hooked. I had a great 6 months before my fall, including meeting this cutie who really stole my heart. Even though I still have a long way to go in terms of recovery and I don’t know if I’ll go back to riding, but I’ve been voted to run the society this year so I’ll be around the horses anyway. I also made an amazing friend in Laura, who’s been with me every step of the way.

7. I gave a speech about living with mental health for the university’s diversity conference. It was a great way to connect with people and share my experience and if you want to watch you can click here to watch.

8. I finished second year with a 66% average, a 2:1. I’m slightly bummed out that I dropped a few percent from last year but I surprised myself with some assignments. It’s made me even more determined to get what I need to get a first this year.

9. I had some absolutely amazing friends by my side through everything. Here’s a picture of me and the girls as Alissa’s birthday meal, my first outing in my wheelchair which they managed to make fun!

10. I got to live with a boy, and I still kind of like him.

Oh and a sneaky 11, I’m still working and awesome job and I’ve got another one, always fun!

Who’s that girl?

Aug 18, 2015Leave a comment

Who’s that girl I see looking at me from a magazine? She’s perfect, she has flawless skin, bright eyes and not a hair out of place, she’s thin, there are no hips, no cellulite, although despite her skinny frame her breasts are fantastic. She’s not real. Tonight I spent a good amount of time watching the above and this afternoon I was reading my normal monthly set of women’s magazines.

Now I’m not going to use this article to bash women’s magazines because I know some who really do support women, although I can’t claim to understand some of the articles. I do have a problem with advertising, because it promotes an image that none of us can achieve. I’ve said many times on this blog that I’m not always happy with my body, especially as of late. I fractured my spine, I put on some weight and I wish I could say so what but I’m surrounded by images of thin and beautiful women.

I’m not saying we ban an idea of beauty, I mean who hasn’t used a good filter on Instagram? Or been happy with a little touch up here and there? Of course we do. I also want you to think about any time you’ve felt a little bit sad looking at pictures or thought I wish I looked like that, because I know that as an impressionable teenager I had these fleeting thoughts but they wouldn’t damage me right? Wrong. In part these images added to my feelings of self consciousness and comparing myself to other women.

In the video about I heard about young women who took on teen magazines to limit the use of photoshop. This gives me so much joy and hope. At that age you don’t always know that these images aren’t real, that you can’t look like that. I remember posing like Paris Hilton (I was a young teenager, and it was the early 2000s, give me a break) in a holiday snap to try and look thinner…I wasn’t fat to begin with. Children and young people are very impressionable, especially as you hit the teenage years your body is doing things you have no control over, your spotty or greasy or whatever.

Now for most of us who are bullied and teased we grow up and shed that awkwardness, even just a little, but at the same time we didn’t have the glare of social media. I just want to educate young girls that this isn’t real and at the same time. I want the media to stop sexualising everything they can, to not cut a model like a pumpkin, carving what they want out of you.

Just preparing for a project I’m going to do and looking at the words used in women’s magazines and they’re almost as responsible as the pictures. I want to do something positive. I want to shout it for the roof tops as I remind my little sister that she is the most naturally beautiful person I know and my little cousin that just because we’re a different shape to my sister doesn’t mean were not beautiful too. I want to make people not feel ashamed to wear makeup or want to get fitter but to know that there are so many different types of perfect and not just the models in a magazine.

Harry Potter Haul – Primark have done it again

Jul 20, 20156 Comments

Primark, I have a bone to pick with you. Why, why must you have everything to do with Harry Potter and make it affordable.

Now you all know I’d rather spend £100 on books than clothes, well most of the time anyway. You can wear a jacket for 100 days, but a book can be loved for more than 100 years…that got a little deeper than I intended. Anyway, back to the point. I’m no fashionista. I could never do a ‘today’s outfit’ Instagram post, because there would be a lot of pictures of the same 4 pairs of jeans, just with a different t-shirt or vest top. Don’t get me wrong in my head I can strut down the street pretending that I’m Kim Kardashian, but I’m obviously not.

This weekend I planned to buy maybe one or two things in Primark. Hah. Nice try, there is a reason I completely avoid going into the shop because I know that I’ll see something, it’ll be cheap and I’ll end up taking it home with my poor card weeping in the corner. My constant obsession is nearly anything with Harry Potter on, especially the PJs. I think I have about five pairs now… I ended up buying the following:

– Marauders Map print lounge bottoms £7.00

– Grey Hogwarts Logo top £7.00

– Long sleeved Hogwarts Logo PJ Top £7.00

– Grey ‘H. Potter’ lounge bottoms £7.00

– Gryffindor Quidditch team knickers £2.50

– Hogwarts phone case £3

Oh and last week my Mum bought me the AMAZING Harry Potter raincoat in the Primark sale….I have no regrets.

I’d love to hear about any other potterheads out there. I’m a huge fan I have boxes and boxes of collectables, clothes, cups, 3 sets of the books (hardback, paperback and new covers, duh), stuff from the studio tour, stuff from the theme park in America and even my car is called Harry…it might have become a little bit of an obsession. So let me know about you guys!

I’m meltinggggggg

Jul 1, 20151 Comment

Now I may not be the Wicked Witch, although damn I wish I could be every night in Wicked, but I’m pretty sure I’m melting right now. I know, I know, how British of me a few days and I’m complaining. BUT! I am not someone who wishes for extreme heat, the only time I can hack it is when I’ve paid to go to another country and have access to a pool and preferably some juicy cocktails. Even in that situation I need to be able to sit under some shade.

This morning saw me putting on factor 30 in an effort to keep myself from turning lobster red. All hail the pale kids, we are the warriors in this fight, the sun is definitely not our friend. My friend phil has decided all he wants for christmas is some melanin …maybe I should put that on my list too. While I love warm weather, enough to go out in jeans and a t-shirt, maybe a cheeky pair of shorts this is more like walking into a sauna complete with lots of nipples in the street (seriously guys put. them. away. I don’t need to see your man nips).

Luckily I found some happiness in the beautifully air conditioned rooms at uni whilst working today. All in all though it’s been a pretty awesome day, despite the heat. I got to do some amazing work for the uni, get some questions answered about dissertation, have a gorgeous frappachino with the amazing Mr Phil Brookes (who also saved me from not having any tea this morning, what.a.babe.), go book shopping again *cough* book haul *cough* and have a catch up with Joe which always makes me smile.

So I’m afraid that is as much creative juice as I can give right now, my brain is turning to mush and my bed is calling me! BUT as always I love to hear from you guys so drop me a comment below with how you’re coping with the heat where you are! And coming up tomorrow a review of Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman.

Letting go and getting on with my life

Jun 22, 2015Leave a comment

Let it goooo, let it goooo! No, I’m not writing a post about Frozen, although I’ve been known to burst into song with more than one of my friends in random locations, have sung it to my hamsters and to horses while brushing them….yep. I’ve had a lot of time to think lately, it does that to you when you’re stuck with nothing to do but analyse your own thoughts. I realised that I’ve been holding on to all these old grudges, anger and just letting it eat me up from inside. I’ve overanalysed everything in my life and wondered if I’m a terrible person, wondered what’s good for me and what’s not.

Take today for example I stayed in my flat for most of the day, I sulked around, ignored my phone and was just miserable and angry and frustrated. I then met up with Joe, we both let ourselves rant for a bit before I was violently sick (a lovely occasional side effect of all my medication) and went home quite poorly.

I was laying there after falling asleep and being sick again (so attractive, I know) and I just thought why am I letting myself get so worked up? Why am I holding on to so much and caring about what everyone else is thinking, saying, doing? I just need to let go and focus on getting better and being more relaxed, more positive like I have been during the year. I miss just laughing and spontaneous trips with friends. I know now isn’t the easiest time, of course I’m going to be pissed off, I have a fractured spine.

So I made a promise to myself, to try and see the positives again, to try not to get so frustrated when I can’t do things. As Ali said to me the other day, I’m carrying on with education, I’ll have more summers to mess around and I have all of final year where hopefully I won’t be stuck in a brace and having to sleep for most of the day. So this is my pledge to try and let go of the frustrations in my life and embrace the good things because life is really too short.

Taking note from Elsa of course 😉

100 questions – get to know me!

Jun 17, 2015Leave a comment

I became aware of this from Lazarus and Lithium. I’ve realised how many new people there are to this blog, welcome! I’m so pleased that each and every one of you have chosen to follow my blog, nearly 250 of you now and over 400 on Twitter 🙂 So I’ve decided to let you all get to know me a little better with 100 questions. Have any more after? Leave it in the comments.

1. How are you, really?
I’m in between a lot of emotions right now, part of me is happy and proud of what I’ve achieved, another feels a little lost and misses my old confidence and part of me is a bit sad and in pain in my back.
2. How do you feel right now? What are you thinking about?
I feel ok, I’m thinking about the pain my back (as usual), hamsters and a new video game that’s going to come out.
3.What’s your favorite color?
Baby Blue
4. What’s your favorite food?
Italian is the best
5. What’s your favorite dessert?
Chocolate brownie with ice cream but it has to be made right
6. How old are you?
20
7. What have you learned today?
My band can always make me smile
8. What was your favorite subject in school?
English
9. What do you do?
I’m a student, Social Media Coordinator, Freelance Writer, Musician and Student/ International Ambassador
10. What are some of your favorite books?
Nineteen Minutes – Jodi Picoult, The Storyteller – Jodi Picoult, The Colour Purple -Alice Walker, The Fault in Our Stars – John Green, The Art of being Normal Lisa Williamson, All of the Harry Potter Series, I could go on…
11. What are some of your favorite movies?
The Fault in Our Stars, The Devil Wears Prada, Love Actually, The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Harry Potter. I watch more sitcoms than movies to be fair.
12. What kind of music are you into?
SO MUCH! I’m mainly into Rock/Alt Rock/ Pop Punk but I love a good deal of Pop music, 90s Club music, 80s pop. Also love a bit of 1950s Rock n Roll, 1960s too, The Kinks, The Beatles. Also can’t go wrong with some good acoustic tunes to chill out to. Ah love, love, love music, I’ll give anything a listen.
13. If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?

I’m working on a book at the moment, it doesn’t have a name. I don’t want to give too much away but it’s how a couple handles terminal illness along with their teenage daughter.

14. What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?

Go to uni, I was terrified.
15. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

So hard! Umm Right now doing well at uni and the accomplishments within that.

16. Are you married?

Nope, I am happily cohabiting for now 🙂

17. How did you meet your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend?

We met at school 🙂

18. Do you think it’s better to get married when you’re young or better to wait a while?

It think it really depends on the person.Marriage is more to show the rest of the world, you can have the deepest commitment and have a good time without being married. At the same time if I had the money for a good wedding now I’d get married.

19. Do you have any kids?

Nope

20. Have you ever thought of adopting?

Yes, it’s something I’m interested in.

21. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A Pop Star.
22. How did you get into health care?
I’m not in health care! But I do raise awareness for mental health!
23. Would you recommend healthcare for other people? Why / Why not?
I think if you can stand things like blood and needles (I can’t) and like caring for people then it can be the best job :).
24. What do you do for fun?
I hang out with my friends/band, I read a lot, I write and I blog.
25. Do you like traveling?
Yes! I like seeing other places but I am a home bird!
26. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?
Hmmm Australia!
27. Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?
Emma Blackerry and Cherry Wallis, J.K Rowling, Alice Walker, Dave Grohl, all of Paramore… there are so many more.
28. If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?

Do what you want to do, not just what you’re told to do.

29. What’s one of your favorite habits you have?

Blogging, if that’s a habit?

30. What are some things that make you really happy?

My boyfriend, my hamsters, family and friends, performing and writing oh and academics, because I’m a geek
31. What are some things that make you really sad?
Suffering, low days, pain, when people are treated badly.
32. What are some things that scare you?
How close I’ve been to losing the ability to walk, dead fish (I know, I’m weird), losing the people I love.
33. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?
I’m a planner! I can be spontaneous though!
34. Are you a religious person?
Nope, Atheist.
35. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?
Sylvia Plath.
36. Would you rather live in the country or in the city?
When I’m writing, the country, when I’m working, the city.
37. What was your life like growing up?
It was full of people who loved me at home and people who despised me at school.
38. What were you like in high school?
I lost myself for a little while, Ali kept me steady but the age of 15 plus was where I was at my most poorly unfortunately. I always tried and worked hard but I wasn’t the most popular kid.
39. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?

1 sister, she’s pretty cool.

40. What’s your favorite part about today so far?
Laughing, smiling, catching up with people I’ve missed.
41. Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?

Honestly, I think Ali. A year into being with me I got sick and lost a lot of hope, he turned me around showed me why uni would be a good idea and just unlocked this confidence.
42. What’s your favorite joke?
I don’t think I have a favourite…
43. Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)

No, no, no,no! Raw Fish? Never.

44. Do you like spicy food?

Nope, give me my Nandos plainish please!

45. How do you like your steak cooked?

Well done
46. Do you have a favorite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?

18 – my birthday 🙂
47. If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?

I’d be a horse, strong, powerful, intelligent.

48. What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?

Been able to shock the nurse by telling him exactly where to take blood from and been right…not that wild.
49. What kind of vacations do you like?

Ones where I can relax or go out and find something interesting to do, where I have the option.

50. What are some of your major goals in life?

To write a book and get my PhD

51. What are some of your smaller goals in life?

Be a good person, try and smile at least once every day.

52. What do you like least about yourself?

That I let other people’s opinions get to me too much

53. What embarrasses you?

When my dyslexia makes me either misspell or completely miss words.
54. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?

Voice Actress

55. What’s your earliest memory?

My aunt taking me to her college library, I was 2.

56. What’s the best decision you ever made?

Going to university, definitely.

57. Who’s your best / closest friend?

My sister.

58. What do you think people think of you?

Haha who knows? In Kingston most people think I’m a nice person, back in Basingstoke not so much.

59. What were your grades like in school?

Good! I left with a Distinction star, a few As, few Bs and a few Cs.

60. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?

Calligraphy.

61. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I really don’t know. On a low day I’m an introvert but if I’m happy I can be an extrovert

62. Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)

Yes and it was really accurate!

63. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

The way they act around others

64. Do you think people can control their own destiny?.

Yes, definitely

65. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others?

Yes in certain situations some people are more important. Like if it was saving children or adults from a fire, I’d save the children so they could experience life.

66. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?

I think people are basically good, it’s what happens to them that can make them bad. Not an excuse but environment has a lot of influence.

67. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?

Very dependent on the environment and culture you’re in.

68. Do you think God exists?

No.

69. Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?

Sometimes, I’d like to think so but I think it’s mostly human wishing.

70. Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?

I do vote because I’d like to try and make a difference and as many people told me before the last election if you don’t vote you can’t complain.

71. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

No, I think it’s in us from birth. It’s just the way we are.
72. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?

My gut instinct says no.

73. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?

I’d be interested to know what situation this was in but if everyone else was innocent too, I’d rather just the one die…I really don’t want to kill anyone!

74. What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?

I haven’t given money away, I’ve lent a fair bit though to people I trust.

75. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?

Letting myself be happy and be a little selfish when I need it

76. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Listen to my bullies rather than the people who loved me

77. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?

We can stop throwing away food and give it to people in need!

78. What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?

Later starting, more freedom from a younger age and projects as a way of testing. In the real world after school how many tests do we need to take to achieve? Experience is everything, not ticking boxes!!

79. In general, what do you think about art?

It’s expression and something we need in life.

80. What are some of your favorite websites?

All social media sites so Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram. WordPress, obviously. Amazon, Boohoo, Waterstones.

81. What’s the biggest turnoff in a man/woman?

Bad smell *gags*
82. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?

That I was ok, when I really needed someone around.
83. What’s something most people don’t know about you?

When I was a kid I told everyone I wanted a Tots TV tattoo (its a kids show, google it). My Dad had just gotten one, I blame him for my love of tattoos.

84. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

I don’t bite and love to talk!!!

85. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

Check notifications on my phone, kiss Ali while he’s asleep, check my hamster and make a cup of tea.

86. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?

…I don’t know about the worst ever, probably the lowest my depression was at.

87. Do you cry easily?

*sigh* Yes.

88. How do you feel about public speaking?

I actually really like doing it

89. Do you like to talk on the phone?

I talk to my family on the phone all the time when I’m walking places
.
90. How many emails do you get each week, roughly?

Anything up to 500 a week

91. If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

Emma Stone

92. What’s one of your favorite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?

What books/music do you like?

93. Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?

I like the idea, don’t know if I’m brave enough!
94. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Yes, a few at school.

95. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?

I’m not really a prankster!

96. What did you do on your 16th birthday?

Had a big 16th birthday fancy dress party!
97. What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?

Mental health workers

98. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

Try to smile, but don’t be afraid to cry.

99. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?

Hated, I don’t want to be forgotten,

100. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?

Yes I would, I’ve got so much more to do yet.

There we go! Have you got any more questions for me? Let me know in the comments

Beating the lows! Tattoo time and making happiness happen.

Jun 16, 20154 Comments

I’ve been writing to you all a lot about how I’ve been feeling and I’ve had overwhelming support from you all, thank you! So I decided to do something about it today after getting yet more bad news this afternoon about the Foo Fighters concert (it’s now been cancelled but this afternoon when I called they told me I couldn’t change me ticket and questioned whether I really need my wheelchair for an event like that. Yes, unfortunately I do. Either way I was feeling a little down and overwhelmed about the whole thing, as well as getting my head around a new job. I mentioned yesterday that I’d be getting my new tattoo at some point and that was today! I hobbled off the bus to go into the two good tattoo places I know about in Kingston. The first, although known for it’s service I just didn’t get the right feelings from, it was too dark and I just felt uncomfortable. So I headed home disappointed, sulked a little and ate a lot of chocolate while trying to make some work plans. After that I thought screw it, I’ll go to the the place across the road. I fell in love with it, the atmosphere, the staff and the tattoo artist. They quoted more but it just felt right this time, more so than I did about my first tattoo.

I wanted something simple, yet meaningful. My first tattoo I got when I failed my driving test the first time (well I didn’t know there would be another 4 times to go until I passed). I wanted to remember that it’s ok to fail, because I’m a perfectionist and I don’t take failure well (ask the poor wall at my parents house that I threw my shoe at). This one was different though, I’ve toyed with a lot of ideas, lyrics, symbols thinking of what I wanted to represent getting through, getting better and to motivate me when times are really hard. I found the idea on Pinterest and fell in love with it instantly and I knew that’s what I wanted. I waited though, to make sure.

I had the words ‘One day at a time’ tattooed on my left wrist. If I ever need help, reminding that I’ve come through before or just some comfort it’s there now forever. I’ve sat here staring at it all afternoon, it just fills me with happiness. Before I get it in the comments, yes it did hurt, no I wont regret it. It’s something so simple but means so much to me.

Now I wouldn’t recommend that every time someone feels really low they get a tattoo, it would be super expensive but this is something I wanted for a long time and it felt right to do it now.

Yes it has been a rough past few days but now I’m more determined than ever to make the next few great. Tomorrow will be one of my last times seeing Eleanor before she goes off to New Zealand (sob) so I’m making sure there is lots of laughter, going back to band practice, before our acoustic show in Guilford and celebrating Laura’s 21st at the weekend :). And if I need any extra help? I just need to look down.

10 things I’ve learnt in the last month

May 25, 2015May 25, 20151 Comment

Yesterday was 1 month since I fell off Rose, I couldn’t believe how quickly one month had gone. Although I still have a month until my next spine appointment, I will have hopefully made some more improvements. Where am I at the moment? I’m still taking very strong painkillers and have trouble getting up but I can walk that little bit further than before. I was quite poorly yesterday night (hence no blog) but I wanted to use today’s to think about some of the things I’ve learnt this month while I’ve been resting. Enjoy 🙂

1. Fear of falling is never a good thing

When I fell from Rose, I wasn’t scared. I knew that I had to just let go, it was only a fall. Ok, yes I ended up with much more than just an initial bruise BUT I want to get that feeling back. I want to get that feeling where I’m not scared of falling because I can’t just go around scared whenever I ride. I kind of want to apply it to other areas of my life too. I’m a total perfectionist, I’m absolutely terrified of failing, especially academically. So maybe I can relax a little? Just enough so I’m not a huge ball of stress all through third year.

I will get back to being this fearless on a horse!

2. How lucky I am

I am walking. I am not permanently in a wheelchair and I’m so grateful. The lack of finding the fractures meant I went back to my normal life, I could have very easily ended up paralysed. I’ve been cared for by the people who matter and I’m still getting there but it looks like I’m going to recover from this, for that I am so,so lucky.

3. I want to be financially secure so I can afford private healthcare once I’ve graduated

I don’t want the NHS to be privatised because for most of my life it’s been there and I’m glad we can rely on a National System. That said, I wasn’t treated well with this serious injury, I’ve had to wait and push and be in extreme pain for appointments and I still don’t have my back brace never mind that the fractures were missed. It’s one of my goals in life to have private healthcare because I know I will be treated with the best possible care, it’s sad but true.

4. I have lots of wonderful people around me

My family is incredible and so are my friends. I’ve had this outpouring of love from all of my friends and family. Cards have been sent, I’ve been accompanied to hospital, Ali’d had to help me move, I’ve been pushed in my wheelchair and made to smile about it, comments,presents and messages. I feel so loved and appreciated everything so, so much.

5. Sometimes it’s ok that things don’t go to plan

As you all know I was meant to go to Prague with Eleanor and Dani this month. I’d been counting down for so long and I couldn’t go. I was devastated to say the least and I cried, a lot. The thing is although I didn’t get to go to Prague, I got invited to the Society Awards instead and saw my society win an award, as well as another one of my best friends win an award. Am I still sad that I missed out on time with El and Dani? Of course I am but at least I still got to smile with two of my other best friends.

6. You can always embarrass yourself in front of your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together

Ali and I have been together for seven years and yet I still find ways to embarrass myself. I’ve been taking showers as I can stand up in the warm water, it helps the pain. I decided my legs NEEDED shaving so I sat down in the bath…then realised I was stuck. Ali then had to come and lift me out of the bath, it was a beautiful moment. I was so embarrassed, love huh?

7. There are other ways to let out pain and frustration

In the past when I was in the darkest parts of depression I didn’t know how to let my pain and frustration out in a positive way, now it’s a lot better. I write a lot or I draw sometimes. There are so many things that you can do to let it all out, I’ll be writing a post in the future about it.

8. Friends are priceless

I couldn’t have kept my spirits up the way I have without my friends, they’ve been incredible. They’ve visited or messaged me and kept my spirits up with I’ve been very low and they haven’t gotten frustrated when it takes me so long to walk anywhere.Thank you to all of you, I love you so much.

9. A lot needs to be done for people who are permanently in wheelchairs

I’ve gone out in my wheelchair twice and I’ve noticed this. While the majority of people have been nice and helpful I’ve been moaned at my people in cars for not being off the road the second the light turns green for them, I’ve been sighed at when someone needs to change their path because of my wheelchair and I’ve been walked in front of. This is where angry Chloe happens who doesn’t give a monkeys, I usually shout after them. It’s been so hard getting about in the wheelchair, to get up the pavement is a major issue, getting into shops, getting around in general! More needs to be done for people in wheelchairs to make their lives easier!

10. Pain doesn’t mean the end of happiness

I’ve been pretty low through all this but I’ve still managed happiness. I can stil laugh with my friends and I’ve adapted things. I’m not saying I don’t get upset, frustrated and angry, but I can still achieve happiness even if it’s harder.

Still smiling

Chloe Metzger

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Beating the lows! Tattoo time and making happiness happen.

10 things I’ve learnt in the last month

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